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Night Whispers

by EverLight


I really wanted to be someone. There I said it. Is it strange to you that I do? I'm sure at some point in your life you wanted to be someone. Why should I be any different? Who am I? Well don't you know? I'm called the Night King. Oh yes. I'm the night terror, the vicious one that all cats fear. But you see there's more to me then you'll ever know, or understand. I suppose it's that way with all villains. The thing you must understand about we bad guys is that we aren't born that way. We reverted to that way. We turned into a villain. As I tell you my story, maybe you'll come to understand who I am. Why I did the things I did. Maybe not. Maybe I'll remain a mystery to you forever. Rather you reject it or not this is my story. I'm going to tell you who I really am. You can take it or leave it. It is my own, it stands as my own. So here it is.

. . .

I always thought I was born into the wrong family. My mother, Maisy (Mazy) never seemed to like me all that much. She refused to give me any attention, never said she loved me, and didn't seem to care about me. I remember one time I had broken my leg and was crying because I'd been bullied. It hurt like fire. I cried for her, desperately. She never came. She left me there, wounded, in pain and crying. What mother does that? I'd love to say my father, Diamond was different. But he wasn't. He never visited me, never cared to inquire if I was all right. He just treated me as though I didn’t exist. Like mom. My siblings weren't any better. They blossomed over moms love for them. They lapped her attention. But left me there in the dirt, like I was nothing. This rejection tore me terribly. I don't know how many times I sat there by the river that flowed by our garden home, wreathing in agony, because my family never loved me. They never tried to comfort me during those times; instead my own kin just laughed, and went about their lives. I can't believe they failed to see my hurt. So rejected, shredded to bits I grew up. I didn't know the meaning of love. Then that I met Alanza. That cat was as gorgeous as a flower, with the personality of an angel. I thought she was perfect. I still am haunted by the memories of those moonlit nights together. It makes me cringe remembering the things I whispered to her ears. We promised that we'd never leave each other. Then what do you know? She left my in the rain by myself heartbroken and worn out. I felt useless. I was exhausted by the endless hurt, and rejection.  As I stalked off into the night I decided I'd be heartache and terror, their worst nightmare. I scraped my claws across the dirt. Cats would pay for everything they had ever done to me. They didn’t deserve anything less. 

To be continued . . . 


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49 Reviews


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Tue May 01, 2018 5:46 pm
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lelu wrote a review...



Hey, this is good! It wasn't boring, and villains never win but they're interesting to read about. I spotted a bunch of punctuation errors but this happens to everyone; don't think it reflects badly on how the story is written. First off, "there I said it" needs a comma after "there." And "Well don't you know?" needs a comma after "well." There should always be a comma after "Oh," but not after "O." I know it's weird but I don't make these rules. "You see" needs commas on both sides, and there should be one after Maisy. The parentheses after her name are a little confusing, but they're meant to show the pronunciation, right? Should be a comma after "Diamond" too. "But left me there in the dirt, like I was nothing" is a sentence fragment. I have trouble keeping from starting things with "but." It's writhing in agony, not "wreathing." I'm assuming it's a mistake that you wrote "Then that I met Alanza." I don't mean to make you sound like a dolt; this is clever and cool. I'm going to read the next one too.




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Mon Apr 30, 2018 12:13 pm
ShootingStarzy3 wrote a review...



This is great! I can tell what your geting at. For some reason I always love these kind of stories,, the kind that EXPLAIN feeling. Especially villians feelings, why they do/did what ever. What ever started them up. I wuv it.

but alas, can any writing not have flaws? (I know mine always does.)

***becareful of grammar.***

"...about we bad guys..." -> "...about us bad guys..."

"We reverted to that way." -> "We reverted to being that way."

"Maybe not." -> "Maybe you won't."

"Rather you reject it or not..." -> "Wether you reject it or not..."

"It hurt like fire." -> "It burnt like fire." (you don't really have to do this, only a suggestion, it does't realy matter. The only difference it that you're saying "like FIRE", so you know, maybe "burnt" would work better in this case.)

"Then that I met Alanza." -> "Then I met Alanza." (This was probably just a typo but you know, just checkin'.)

Well thats all. Basicaly just some grammer mistakes, nothing out of the ordinary. you're a good writer! i loved it! keep writin'!

(You done need to use any oF my suggestions, and if you find any thig that you find offensive, know that I'm sorry, k? That was not my intensions.)




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Sun Apr 29, 2018 4:25 pm
Boluk wrote a review...



Well this is pretty neat. I'm guessing this is either the story of a villain changing or of well a villain's origin both of these ideas haven't seem to be done, at least not on this website so you get points of originality there, this story seems to revolved around cats much like your other stories which I am fine with, in fact I quite enjoy it as it isn't like Warriors..which I don't quite like, nothing against the warriors fandom it's just its always seemed kind of dull to me after "Dawn" because everything seemed to lose its charm afterwards. This story is different as it seems to have a lot morw charm an effort out into it that reminded me of the original Warriors books. The nostalgia was just to strong. I must say somehow this triggered my brain to remember the first part of the "Death Note" book where light started off as a good guy but over time he eventually becomes insane. One thing that is done really greatly about this is how you make us feel sympathy for him but not too much sympathy for him to loose his threat in the future, just enough to make us feel both sad/scared of him as to where he never loses his original function per say it just slightly changes. Just a little bit....but enough
Conclusion: overall this story is really awesome you ought to write a bit more though.

Boluk out




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Sun Apr 29, 2018 1:50 pm
Clairia wrote a review...



Hey there! Londone here to review your work.

I love this intake of a backstory--especially for a villain. We usually don't get a detailed backstory for the antagonist of the story, and I enjoyed having that. You played this very well, and your creativity is a key aspect of all your work.

You say you're looking for me to review technical mistakes, so let's jump into that. I'll also be giving some feedback on your style/plot per request. It's honestly always good to go back and edit to see if there's anything you'd like to change after you've received feedback. I find it helps you improve in the future and quite frankly, you'll grow as a writer.
All that aside, let's begin.
{ I usually like to quote the work from the top to the bottom as to analyze it better. }

I really wanted to be someone. There I said it.

Right off the bat, we've started out with a bang. This character, being a villain, is obviously not "emotionless" and "heartless" which is the typical villain stereotype. This I appreciate, because I've seen a lot of that in stories--the villain is the person we automatically hate, the person we want to lose; but you've given us something behind that stony figure to help us make a decision of our own.
On the technical side of things, there should be a comma after "there".

I'm sure at some point in your life you wanted to be someone. Why should I be any different?

Again, another insight into the character. The story actually addresses us, the readers, here. I enjoyed that and it got me thinking. I agree with the villain here, actually~ there should be nothing discriminating him from going out and being himself. Yet, what this character does is get out there in a bad way; seeking vengeance instead of willing to forgive. This sums up most villains in a nutshell.

Well don't you know?

There needs to be a comma after "well".

But you see there's more to me then you'll ever know, or understand.

There is always a bit more to a character that a reader has to figure out for themselves with their imagination. That's the magic and beauty of writing--giving the reader permission to explore.
A comma is missing after "but you see".

Rather you reject it or not this is my story.

A couple things here--"rather" is not the correct word to be used in this context. Perhaps you mean "whether?" If so, I suggest correcting it so it won't confuse future readers.
The commas are becoming a serious problem. They're being ignored left and right, and they need attention! xD In this instance, you need one after "not."

I always thought I was born into the wrong family. My mother, Maisy (Mazy) never seemed to like me all that much. She refused to give me any attention, never said she loved me, and didn't seem to care about me. I remember one time I had broken my leg and was crying because I'd been bullied. It hurt like fire. I cried for her, desperately. She never came. She left me there, wounded, in pain and crying.

This seems like a pretty horrible mother. I feel sorry for the main character. This seems to definitely be a contribution to his behavior now, and I suppose that's understandable. My question, though, has to be is there a reason? I'd be interested to know why his mother treated him like this. Was he possibly disobedient before? We don't get much information in this department--crucial information that would benefit the story.

They blossomed over moms love for them.

This is sad, how one sibling is neglected and the others are treated like royalty. Yet it does happen. It's a real thing. I do think it's good that you incorporated that element, though.
"Moms" needs to have an apostrophe. It should be "Mom's", meaning belonging to mom.

Then that I met Alanza.

"Then that" is probably just an error you made accidentally. Easy fix.
It seems the main character is falling in love here. I sniff trouble up ahead.

We promised that we'd never leave each other. Then what do you know? She left my in the rain by myself heartbroken and worn out. I felt useless. I was exhausted by the endless hurt, and rejection.

First of all--called it. I knew it xD
On the other hand, this is all very sad. First his entire family, then his girl;I wonder what, exactly, would be making them all feel this way? That leads me to my point that I made earlier--more information on that.

I decided I'd be heartache and terror, their worst nightmare.

This is the main character's breaking point, it seems. I think you played that well.

Overall, you've done well with this piece. Of course, there are technical issues and a few minor holes in the plot, but I'm glad you wrote this.

I hope this helps!

Thanks for sharing

Londone




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Tue Apr 24, 2018 6:14 pm
Holysocks wrote a review...



Hey Katnes!

This to me seems like a sort of villain origin story... am I right? If so, this character certainly has good reason to have "turned to the darkside" as it seems like he/she/they've had a hard life and endured a lot of horrible things. It's especially interesting to me hearing about the mother never saying that she loved the MC, because I recently have been hearing about how a lot of negative things/habits people acquire in live (like addiction) is often caused from when the person was an infant, and what was going on in their environment. So it just felt like a very realistic touch to have those things about the mother and the MC's childhood.

At the same time, this left a lot of questions unanswered. Mainly why did the mother not love the MC? Why didn't she care for him when he was injured? What happened there? I believe you mentioned this was sort of a Warrior Cat fan-fic, so perhaps the answers are in the Warrior Cat series, but as someone who only ever read some of one of the books, I'm clueless! So I think it might be important to give a little more information in the story about why his mother acted like that. Especially since mothers are usually supposed to love their babies no matter what!

The other thing I wanted to mention was that: this was a nice bit of information, but we don't really have a reason to want to get to know this MC- we basically were just being told about this person who we're not even sure we want to get to know! We were told his past story, but what's his/her/they're current story/situation? We were given a brief insight into this- a hook at the very end to lure us into the next part. And it sounds scary, to be completely honest! What's he going to do? Nothing good, I can assume. But why do we want to follow this character? I don't particularly want to see this character rein terror on the other cats! I don't really want to root for him either, since he doesn't really have a good cause. I feel slightly sorry for him, but is that enough to make me want to see what happens? I'm only saying this as food for thought. I think sometimes it's easy for us writers to forget that our readers are often more interested in the story and what a character does rather than what they did.

The end does have a very "doomsday" feel to it and that does make me a little tense O>O

Anyways, keep it up! I hope this was somewhat helpful!

-Holysocks




EverLight says...


Don't worry! This was helpful. Thanks! Yes this is a villain becoming story. I suppose I have some work getting Night King to be more human. Thanks to you I know what to fix.



Holysocks says...


Oh, I'm glad! ^_^



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Tue Apr 24, 2018 3:28 am
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EverLight says...



Looking for comma useage mistakes or plot problems.





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