Young Writers Society

Hey, this is good! It wasn't boring, and villains never win but they're interesting to read about. I spotted a bunch of punctuation errors but this happens to everyone; don't think it reflects badly on how the story is written. First off, "there I said it" needs a comma after "there." And "Well don't you know?" needs a comma after "well." There should always be a comma after "Oh," but not after "O." I know it's weird but I don't make these rules. "You see" needs commas on both sides, and there should be one after Maisy. The parentheses after her name are a little confusing, but they're meant to show the pronunciation, right? Should be a comma after "Diamond" too. "But left me there in the dirt, like I was nothing" is a sentence fragment. I have trouble keeping from starting things with "but." It's writhing in agony, not "wreathing." I'm assuming it's a mistake that you wrote "Then that I met Alanza." I don't mean to make you sound like a dolt; this is clever and cool. I'm going to read the next one too.

This is great! I can tell what your geting at. For some reason I always love these kind of stories,, the kind that EXPLAIN feeling. Especially villians feelings, why they do/did what ever. What ever started them up. I wuv it.

but alas, can any writing not have flaws? (I know mine always does.)

***becareful of grammar.***

"...about we bad guys..." -> "...about us bad guys..."

"We reverted to that way." -> "We reverted to being that way."

"Maybe not." -> "Maybe you won't."

"Rather you reject it or not..." -> "Wether you reject it or not..."

"It hurt like fire." -> "It burnt like fire." (you don't really have to do this, only a suggestion, it does't realy matter. The only difference it that you're saying "like FIRE", so you know, maybe "burnt" would work better in this case.)

"Then that I met Alanza." -> "Then I met Alanza." (This was probably just a typo but you know, just checkin'.)

Well thats all. Basicaly just some grammer mistakes, nothing out of the ordinary. you're a good writer! i loved it! keep writin'!

(You done need to use any oF my suggestions, and if you find any thig that you find offensive, know that I'm sorry, k? That was not my intensions.)

Well this is pretty neat. I'm guessing this is either the story of a villain changing or of well a villain's origin both of these ideas haven't seem to be done, at least not on this website so you get points of originality there, this story seems to revolved around cats much like your other stories which I am fine with, in fact I quite enjoy it as it isn't like Warriors..which I don't quite like, nothing against the warriors fandom it's just its always seemed kind of dull to me after "Dawn" because everything seemed to lose its charm afterwards. This story is different as it seems to have a lot morw charm an effort out into it that reminded me of the original Warriors books. The nostalgia was just to strong. I must say somehow this triggered my brain to remember the first part of the "Death Note" book where light started off as a good guy but over time he eventually becomes insane. One thing that is done really greatly about this is how you make us feel sympathy for him but not too much sympathy for him to loose his threat in the future, just enough to make us feel both sad/scared of him as to where he never loses his original function per say it just slightly changes. Just a little bit....but enough
Conclusion: overall this story is really awesome you ought to write a bit more though.

Boluk out

Hey there! Londone here to review your work.

I love this intake of a backstory--especially for a villain. We usually don't get a detailed backstory for the antagonist of the story, and I enjoyed having that. You played this very well, and your creativity is a key aspect of all your work.

You say you're looking for me to review technical mistakes, so let's jump into that. I'll also be giving some feedback on your style/plot per request. It's honestly always good to go back and edit to see if there's anything you'd like to change after you've received feedback. I find it helps you improve in the future and quite frankly, you'll grow as a writer.
All that aside, let's begin.
{ I usually like to quote the work from the top to the bottom as to analyze it better. }

I really wanted to be someone. There I said it.

I'm sure at some point in your life you wanted to be someone. Why should I be any different?

Well don't you know?

But you see there's more to me then you'll ever know, or understand.

Rather you reject it or not this is my story.

I always thought I was born into the wrong family. My mother, Maisy (Mazy) never seemed to like me all that much. She refused to give me any attention, never said she loved me, and didn't seem to care about me. I remember one time I had broken my leg and was crying because I'd been bullied. It hurt like fire. I cried for her, desperately. She never came. She left me there, wounded, in pain and crying.

They blossomed over moms love for them.

Then that I met Alanza.

We promised that we'd never leave each other. Then what do you know? She left my in the rain by myself heartbroken and worn out. I felt useless. I was exhausted by the endless hurt, and rejection.

I decided I'd be heartache and terror, their worst nightmare.

Hey Katnes!

This to me seems like a sort of villain origin story... am I right? If so, this character certainly has good reason to have "turned to the darkside" as it seems like he/she/they've had a hard life and endured a lot of horrible things. It's especially interesting to me hearing about the mother never saying that she loved the MC, because I recently have been hearing about how a lot of negative things/habits people acquire in live (like addiction) is often caused from when the person was an infant, and what was going on in their environment. So it just felt like a very realistic touch to have those things about the mother and the MC's childhood.

At the same time, this left a lot of questions unanswered. Mainly why did the mother not love the MC? Why didn't she care for him when he was injured? What happened there? I believe you mentioned this was sort of a Warrior Cat fan-fic, so perhaps the answers are in the Warrior Cat series, but as someone who only ever read some of one of the books, I'm clueless! So I think it might be important to give a little more information in the story about why his mother acted like that. Especially since mothers are usually supposed to love their babies no matter what!

The other thing I wanted to mention was that: this was a nice bit of information, but we don't really have a reason to want to get to know this MC- we basically were just being told about this person who we're not even sure we want to get to know! We were told his past story, but what's his/her/they're current story/situation? We were given a brief insight into this- a hook at the very end to lure us into the next part. And it sounds scary, to be completely honest! What's he going to do? Nothing good, I can assume. But why do we want to follow this character? I don't particularly want to see this character rein terror on the other cats! I don't really want to root for him either, since he doesn't really have a good cause. I feel slightly sorry for him, but is that enough to make me want to see what happens? I'm only saying this as food for thought. I think sometimes it's easy for us writers to forget that our readers are often more interested in the story and what a character does rather than what they did.

The end does have a very "doomsday" feel to it and that does make me a little tense O>O

Anyways, keep it up! I hope this was somewhat helpful!

-Holysocks

Looking for comma useage mistakes or plot problems.