Note: This is a Flash Short Story so it'll be super short.
Once, when I was young, I thought the world was white. I believed every one was innocent and pure. Then when I got older I thought the world was black, and every one was to cruel and filthy. When I had grown up I realized it was neither white or black. That sometimes purity and the filth merged. I realized life was like a war-good or evil pulling you towards one side or the other. Some people were pulled all the way to the good side. Some all the way to the bad. But some people were in the middle. When I realized all of that I changed. That's when I became Ravano R. R. Night, the dark one.The one every one dared to fear. But deep down inside somewhere in my heart of hearts, I was still the same young child I had been years ago. I had just locked that part of me. And deep down inside all I ever wanted was love and acceptance, someone to save me from myself. But no one stepped up, and if that was so, then my conquer, no wonder I turned evil.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,521 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Hello!
While I didn't dislike this piece of flash fiction entirely, I think some revision could help. Well, some revision at least, because I did already enjoy your general premise.
Even though this is flash fiction, and it's going to be short, it doesn't need to be this short. I'm saying this because I felt that a little more development could push this story a long way. There is definitely such a thing as being too brief. A main concern would be around the main character "becoming" Ravana R. R. Night, the "dark one". Who is this person? How did they earn the title? What about her is "evil". These are all questions that the reader has no answers to, which means this whole segment of the piece (which is really the turning-point) has no effect on them! A character is only as evil as they have been described to be, simply saying that they're "evil" and "dark" doesn't help. Trying to add a sense of vague mystery is fine, but it's no excuse to leave a blank slate!
Another concern is the actual aim of the story. Call it a moral, for lack of better term. What are you trying to imply? It seems that you've gotten mixed up in your message, or haven't expressed it clearly enough, and the reader can't really take anything from that. At first, you seem to want to say that the world isn't black and white, and is a mix; there's no such divide as good and evil. But then you talk about a war between good and evil, which is a definite divide, and even blatantly turn your main character evil by the end! This results in piece seeming to lack purpose and just come off as rhetoric. Try to revise your goal and keep in it mind for the entire story!
Those things aside, your writing is good. You seem to have a natural sense of good narration. I can say for certain that I didn't get bored reading this, because you have the gift of a storyteller. A little more planning could help that gift go a long way, I think
Thanks for your review! Much appreciated!
By the way you haven't read all my works, yet, so....they'll get better. Really, I was explaining why some people turn ''evil''. I just have a thing with that. You'll see that kind of theme appear often. (I guess I'm a J.R.R. Tolkien)
Oh, cool!
Oh, cool!
i have to say i loved this flash story! i found it very deep and it touched my heart having felt like this before. Your right the world is like a battle of good and evil and its about choosing which side your on or what side your forced to be on, you conveyed this really well. there was a couple things that confused me but i'm sure they are easily fixed or i'm just reading it wrong but when you said "war-good" and "then my conquer" i had to read these a couple of times to figure it out. however I think as a flash short story you did really well and i enjoyed reading this piece of work. overall well done, keep up the good work.
OH!That was sooo touching and sooo deeep. It is true that the world is like a war of evil and good.The bad side is always much more tempting and easier to follow unlike the good sides but you know the good side has more rewards.I loved how you portrayed that bad people are not born bad but they are forced to choose the wrong side by the inconsiderate society.SO overall i loved it.KEEP IT UP
Wesh! Seeing as this is so short, I'm going to give just my overall thoughts.
Note: This is a Flash Short Story so it'll be super short.
I think you should bold that then start a new paragraph. Also, split these up into one/two sentence paragraphs to help the flow. I think the message and wording is unique and I really enjoyed it. Keep writing and I can't wait to see more by you!
-Jade