Oh my Heart is Bleeding-A Lovers Blues

Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.

That having been said:

Thanks for sharing this poem about how the speaker feels concerning the inconsiderate way that a person speaks and is causing the speaker great anguish. The poem did convey the hurt feeling and the frustration of trying to convey feelings to this other person who seemed aloof. The speaker puts on a calm face while seething with hurt feelings.

The speaker describes the offender as caring and loving but lashing out with the tongue. Tells us that the other is unaware and does not really realize the hurt being inflicted. That a sincere effort at expressing love is being made. Describes the offender's tongue as evil, Then tells us that unless the offender controls the tongue then insincerity will be considered. It is either one or other other. Or are the speaker's views constantly shifting?

The impression I get is of someone who wishes things were different and who tries to ignore evidence which indicates a detrimental relationship with a person who has fun inflicting suffering and who will not change because it is considered entertaining?,


suggestions

I enjoyed reading the poem and the incessant pleading was very convincing. However, I was distracted by the use of the cliche’ "bleeding heart". Otherwise the poem is great, If it were mine I would search for ways t replace the cliche’ of bleeding heart part with an equivalent phrase that isn’t considered a cliche.

Cliches to Avoid in Your Creative Writing
http://www.be-a-better-writer.com/cliches.htm

I do to [too]

....boiling anger wells.... [....that wells....]
If you where have aware of the impact [....were aware....]

....hypocritical, say [....saying....]


A very intense and interesting read. Looking forward to reading more of your work.

Hi! Adele here

I definitely appreciate the tone and message behind this piece - I have certainly felt similar emotions toward one I loved very deeply. Just a few thoughts:

- Try to be consistent with whether or not you put a period after "Oh my heart is bleeding". Since the words are exactly the same, the punctuation should be, too. (You could even consider putting an exclamation point after it to give it more of a punch.)

- Pay attention to grammar, such as comma splices, lack of commas where they should be, and then vs. than.

- This is a completely subjective note, but I'd love to see more figurative language in this piece. I totally understand how writing this as a sort of first draft while your heart is bleeding, how making it less lyrical is what you needed to get everything out. Still, I think you could go back and use either similes/metaphors or more varied word choices (instead of using "bleeding heart" inside the blocks of text, you could vary your wording some) in a second draft to make your writing even more compelling and heart-wrenching than it already is.

All of that said, I really like the way you've structured this piece. The repeated interjections work very well, in my opinion.

Good job with this and I look forward to reading more of your work!