~The Middle Fate

Ivory
She sprinted in the dark forest's landscape; bounding over stones and uneven parts of land. Panting, she came to a full stop, swinging her head behind her. Dappled was in pursue of her, one of those that had turned. It was all a nightmare-her pack could attack their land any day now. It all began with The Crying Wolf, also known as Trickery himself. Ivory slunk into the shadows, remembering the day everything had gone wrong.
The wolf was bounded in chains in the dark forest, the tree's looming branches curling towards the demon-wolf. A ragged girl with a torn cape worn around her shoulders skillfully crept through the depths of the forest, halting as she saw a wolf in the clearing; black fur running down from it's eyes like tears and white, snowy fur. That ragged girl is now known as The Rogue, she became a shape-shifter, taught by Trickery.
And to the Leones, she also became one of their most skilled enemies they'd met since Trickery, whom they'd chained him for eternity. Apparently, though, The Rogue was able to free him of his "enternal" chains. And how the heck did she do that? That's the problem-we don't know how she did it. Since the rumors spread, though, this is mostly what the Leones thought, to sum it up:
Trickery eyed the ragged, lost girl, considering her worthy of his presence. "Come," he said so simply, yet his words were almost hypnotizing. The girl reluctantly came out of the shadows, making full-eye contact with the wolf, wavering under his persistent glare.
"So." the wolf stated flatly, "you're lost,"
The weary girl nodded slowly, scrutinizing the wolf's chains that bounded it to the ground. "And you are chained." said she valiantly. The wolf bared it's teeth tauntingly. "I am fully aware," it snarled, tilting it's head menacingly.
A sudden mist enshrouded her vision, making the flashback dissipate from her thoughts. Ivory scrambled back, wincing as she realized making noise wasn't such a good idea. "Crap," she murmured, getting up sluggishly, scanning the pitch black forests before darting into the back of the woods.
A shriek like a mutated bird reverbarated behind her. Dappled, The Rogue's pet, the terrioizer. Thin, scorched trees blurred behind her as Ivory sprinted among the forest's depths. Caught up in the moment, she didn't even realize that a boulder was pratically right in front of her.
Sharp pain lanced up her leg."Ughhh, why do I have to be clumsy when I'm running for my life," she complained, stating it as a fact, since she already knew the answer to that question. Nonetheless, it took less than a minute to stand back up. Another bloodcurling shriek echoed in the forests, piercing the air abruptly.
It was horrifying that a normal, ordinary human had turned into a.. demon, basically-that didn't have any emotion. Dappled used to be a ordinary fourteen year old, but The Rogue was able to hynpotize him and put him in a trance so powerful that he obeyed her-at least that's what she told her. It seemed hard to believe, she was practically defying physics. She was still skeptical.
That was what was so sinister about her; she seemed like she had no emotion. If she rose to any higher amount of power, it was likely she would plunge everybody into World War III--Unless the Middle Fate decided the apocolapyse or revival of the world before her. It was a good and bad thing to have the Middle Fate, because without her, the entire future would be nothing, because fate decides future.
AAAAAWWCC! Ivory jumped a couple feet when she heard it. It was Dappled. She barely dared to breathe, ever so slowly turning to face what may be lurking in the shadows. A colossal monstrosity faced her, a skeletal dragon with claws so jagged and long that could impale you with mere effort. It rose to about nine feet, with glowing eyes that burned shadowy flame. Curved horns protruded from the creature's head.
How could such a creature formerly be a human..? How did The Rogue even do this cruel, horrible things without at the very least, gagging? It watched her with deadly ease to the point it was eerie. The creature hesitated, approaching her with ease. It's eyes suddenly flashed, reflecting her in them. It crouched low to the dirt, it's legs bent, as it bellowed a deafening shriek, pouncing towards her.
"AAAAAHHHHH!" she screeched as she dodged, barely missing a fatal impact by only a couple of inches. Her mind began to race with options to avoid certain death-fleeing, fighting, or.. deceit. It's claws lashed out at her, snagging on her shirt and ripping it. She scrambled to her feet, panting, facing the creature. Maybe I could get it's horns stuck in a tree like those cheesy movies..
Ivory ducked behind a tree, knowing it was risky, but what else could she do? It was obvious it'd catch up with her if she fled. She tensed, poising herself in case she got impaled by it's keen, crimson-stained claws.
The creature let out a deafening roar, pitch black flame with a tint of sapphire blue emitting from its jaws. The scorching flame reached out towards the tree, nearly smoldering it--that is, before the 'force field' blocked it. The flame was reflected off by it, the tendrils of the flickering flame spreading around the dome. Ivory stood there dumbfounded, gaping. The flame flickered out, it's last breath fading away.
"AAAAWWCH!" it shrieked again, pacing the small clearing, furious that it's flame had vanished. Dappled spewed flames on the nearest tree, burning it into molten wood. Ivory stepped out in the open and called out, "HEY, STUPID! OVER HERE!" It turned around instantly, focusing on it's target intently. Dappled crouched low to the ground, it's haunches brushing the dirt covered with wilted roots. It bounded forward, it's limbs moving like a cheetah.
She ducked behind the tree just as the beast was about to pounce; it swerved to left, ramming it's curved horns into the tree. The beast moaned, emitting creaking noises as it's entire body went limp as jolts of lightning coursed over it. She cautiously came out from behind the tree, realizing that it was not blood that was running down the creature, but gasoline. This wasn't a living creature; it was a mechanical dragon. Than the realization hit her. Dappled was still alive-and somebody was trying to kill her.
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Me again. Hopefully you're not sick of me yet
Is turned supposed to be capitalized? I'm thinking note, but I could be wrong.Is there a reason it's all bolded? I guess it doesn't really matter, I'm just wondering if it serves a purpose.
I like this thought, but this a little cliche. I'm not entirely sure how to fix it. Maybe something about, "Memories overtaking her, or to think that one day changed, everything. I don't know...My brain's not really functioning...
Or, you could just delete it, and replace it with something that still tells us she's hurting...
Enternity is spelled eternity.
First, that last comma should be a period. Second, be careful of ly ending adverbs. If possible, either delete them or find a way to describe what your character is doing or saying without them. For example, may mention what the wolf is doing physically to show he's in bored, or mention that his tone of voice is flat and dull like he's bored, or something else. Sometimes, for the sake of clarity and brevity, you have to use them, but if you avoid using them, do.
Couple things here. Be careful of the illfated thought verbs. Thought verbs tell, instead of show. Furthermore, they pull the reader out of the story, because it brings you, the author, into, and reminds them that this is fiction. Like ly verbs, you sometimes have to use them, but often not. Here you could just take knowing out of it, and this it's own sentence. It was dappled.
I'd also like to comment on your screams. I like them, they make me laugh, but if you're looking towards publication, they're not generally appropriate in that length, I would ten characters maximum for any scream, but preferably five. Also, putting things in all caps. Sometimes author's do use it, but rarely more than once in an entire book, and you've used it several times. Here it's not really a big deal, but publication was they would probably say once or twice in a novel is all you get.
Last note, you do something interesting things with narration. First, it's a third person from Kiera, but then it becomes a sort of omniscient, first/second person, with the use of word we and our. I'm not sure how I feel about this. It definitely made the story interesting, but it also made it a little hard to follow sometimes... It might help focus in a bit more if you just get the chapter to Kiera running from dappled.
Still though, I loved it. It was fun. Would you mind sending me a message when you have the next chapter posted?
-Art
Thanks for the review, and sure1
Oh-and to answer your question, I really just love bolded font xD
Hi there, Kat! Happy review day!
Please stop reviewing, you're beating me.Ok, so when reading this, you seem to have a ton of one error: it's. You would think that with a possessive, it would be it's. Actually, a possessive it is its. I really hate that rule though, but is a rule and us writers have to follow them.
That was the only grammatical error in the entire story.
Ok, so I haven't read the other two chapters but judging by this, I need to. By the bottom, I'm guessing this Dappled was suppose to be dead? I'm also going to guess that Dappled and this girl knew each other. Poor Dappled, apparently now he's some sort of demon pet?
Kiera is being chased by a... giant, mechanical Dragon? Ok, I don't even The Rogue can transform a human into a giant Dragon. There are certain rules of physics, you know?
Well, keep writing!
~lost
She claimed she did, but she actually didn't, she lied and said that she turned him into a mechanical dragon, even though she didn't, but somebody is out to kill her. I will fix all those "it's" I always forget that it's means it is
So the Mechanical Dragon was it there to scare her? That's what ran through my mind. I may have skipped a part here so i'll look through and see if this question has been answered.

The Rouge is a wolf and the wolf is trying to kill her? Or is he there mearly to stop her from doing whatever it is she's trying to do?
As far as I an see there isnt any Grammatical errors that caught my eye. This is a very interesting story and I'm most likley going to stalk your portfolio
I hope to read more soon. Keep up the great work
~Sam
Thanks xD
Yes, The Rogue can become a wolf by shapeshifting, and thanks for that wonderful advice there, that twist plot I can use.. your genius! Thanks!