STELLA
The moth-eaten curtains swayed in an eerie gesture in the semi-dark room. It was depressing. The Sun was to be feared and to be begged for mercy from. The piercing gold shone through the rips in the ancient curtains. I raised my hand to shield my eyes from the blinding light.
I was tired of living this miserable life.I wanted to stride into the light for once, but I'd instantly be exiled. My name was already considered a curse from all of the rumors; if I did one more 'unacceptable task' they'd probably celebrate exiling me.
"Mistress?" I called. I heard a faint sigh of annoyance.
"What do you want of me, smart-aleck?" she droned, a tone of irritation in her voice. I hung my head in shame for bothering her.
"May I take a walk, Mistress?" I inquired hopefully. I could almost imagine her shaking her head and scolding me-it was her nature. For a couple of minutes, it was so silent that you could hear the curtains swaying back and forth.
"You've worked here for eight years and you've never asked me such a thing. Perhaps you are too ambitious for your own good, for the sun is a scalding wrath that blinds," she stated tiredly, reminding me of the "scalding wrath" that was our Sun. But I was Stellar. I was named after the stars that shone in the sky at night. Disappointment and sorrow dragged me underwater over the years that I have served her.
Yet I still had to respect her, even though she gave me none, and even though I was forced to serve her like a slave. "I'm going, and you know what? At this point, I don't really care anymore. All my life I've had to work in the shadows, and now that is going to change," I stated coolly, even though rage bubbled inside of me like a savage beast.
"Fine. Remember my words when you're blind and begging mercy," A grin tugged at my lips as I daydreamed my future, unless of course, I became blind; but I was willing to take the risk. Everybody was cowardly and feared the Sun, even though we used to act like normal, civil people instead of acting like people from the 18th century.
"I'll mark your words, coward." I whispered to myself. I walked towards the dusty door, a toothy grin on my face. "Sayonara!" I yelled as the door slammed shut behind me. I gasped, taking in the alluring scene called nature. Lush green trees swayed in the breeze, the sky was an azure, endless void and the sun radiantly shone over the landscape. Mountains' silhouettes loomed in the distance.
As I was about to take another step, I tripped. I winced as my head hit the pavement. "Stupid me," I groaned. A unfamiliar noise reverberated across the landscape. I literally jumped the moment I heard it. What the heck was that?
A wolf? I scrambled into a sitting position in alarm. I'd heard tales of those creatures before, slavering beasts with jagged teeth, and matted fur. A sorrowful howl resonated again, almost like the wolf was taunting me. I struggled to pull myself to my feet, but I managed.
I heard a faint rustle in the bushes behind me, I instantly turned to meet eye-to-eye with a cowering wolf. It was a snowy white wolf, with one aquamarine eye and the other gold. It stared at me in fear, whimpering slightly, it's fluffy tail tucked beneath it's legs. I reached out a cautious hand; turning my gaze away from the stunning wolf.
I glanced out the corner of my eye and saw that the wolf was tentatively approaching. Its eyes darted around with fear, yet also glazed with grief. It halted in its tracks and stared at me, almost like it was trying to tell me something.
It bolted away from me; leaves and twigs crunching under it's paws. I swiftly jumped up and began to sprint after it in pursuit of the wolf. It gracefully ran in immense bounds like a Mountain Lion. I was already panting and my legs ached. I collapsed from exhaustion; I lay there for a couple of moments, catching my breath.
Then it hit me; where would I live? In the untame forests with the creatures of the wild? Maybe my choice was rash, but how could I be a lowly slave for the rest of my life? I sighed, looking up at the sky.
I was so worn out that I didn't even realize that I was slowly dozing off. My eyes drooped and I yawned. Moments later, I fell into a deep sleep.
***
"Looks like we've got dinner tonight." snarled a wolfish voice. I could barely hear the voice; I was only half conscious. Another voice growled menacingly in agreement. I tried to wake myself, but I was in some type of daze. Please let it be a dream..
I literally heard myself thinking that. Or did I say it aloud? All I could see was a black abyss.
"Poor creature," the voice said in false sympathy, pausing for a moment, "what if it's one of Echo's spies?"
A couple moments of silence. "So what? Would you rather starve?" snarled the other voice. "No, imbecile," snorted the other voice, "but The Rogue would want her, then, would she not?" Another moment of silence. I faintly heard a deep growl of.. frustration?
Suddenly I was able to open my eyes; I had no idea how, it just.. happened. I shrieked, and as soon as I did, I put my hand over my mouth, instantly regretting it. Standing before me were two wolves, standing side by side, one grey and one black. "Oh look, it's woken up," the black wolf said cheerfully, baring it's teeth in a not-so-friendly toothy grin. They looked at each other stealthily like they were telepathically speaking to each other.
I sat there dumbfounded, looking stupidly at the wolves.
The grey wolf leaped onto me in one bound, looming over me, snarling in delight. I started to breathe shallowly as it stared into my eyes. Run!
"Lucky you. You're going to The Rogue," it snarled, as both wolves closed in.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
It's me again. I still love your writing, but I'll skip my fangirling and move into the critique.
Here are my nitpicks:
The moth-eaten curtains swayed in an eerie gesture in the semi-dark room. It was depressing, to be honest with you.
Using second person is an interesting choice in dialogue. Sometimes it works, but for the most part it should be avoided. For example, if you delete, with you here, it still makes sense.
The Sun was to be feared and to be begged mercy from.
I like this sentence, but it's kind of weird ending it on the word from, it's easily fixed though, just make it, "to be begged for mercy."
I was tired of living this miserable life-I wanted to stride into the light for the first time in my life, except for the fact that I'd instantly be exiled.
There are two things I'd like to mention here. The first is that I'm pretty sure, grammatically speaking, that hyphen should be a period. The second, are the words, "for the fact that." If you delete them, the sentence still makes sense, it reads. "I wanted to stride into the light for the first time in my life, except I'd instantly be exiled." You have a way with words, but having these unnecessary words in your writing bogs it down and weakens the sentences. Getting rid of them makes your writing that much stronger.
"Mistress?" I called. I heard a faint sigh of annoyance. "What do you want of me, smart-aleck?" she droned, a tone of irritation in her voice. I hung my head in shame for bothering her. Yet freedom was so compelling, so irresistible..
Remember the new paragraph, new dialogue thing.
I lied there for a couple of moments, catching my breath.
Grammatically speaking, lied should be lay. I looked it up on writer's digest just to be sure.
I was so worn out that I didn't even realize that I was slowly dozing off.
That is an interesting word in the English language, because we often use it needlessly. For example, if you delete bof of the "that"s in the sentence, it reads, "I was so worn out I didn't even realize I was slowly dozing off. ." See, it totally makes sense and doesn't have that lovely word...that, bogging it down. If you can ever delete words, do, because ever word counts in a novel.
Please let it be a dream..
I literally heard myself thinking that. Or did I say it aloud? All I could see was a black abyss. "Poor creature,"
First, I really liked this. Second, "Poor creature" should start a new paragraph.
A couple moments of silence. "So what? Would you rather starve?" snarled the other voice. "No, imbecile," snorted the other voice, "but The Rogue would want her, then, would she not?" Another moment of silence.
Two things here as well. First the new dialogue, new paragraph thing. Second, "A couple moments of silence" and "Another moment of silence" both of these are sentence fragments. It's easily fixed but adding a "There was" to the beginning of both of them.
In the blink of an eye, I was able to open my eyes; I had no idea how, it just.. happened. I shrieked, and as soon as I did, I put my hand over my mouth, instantly regretting it. Standing before me were two wolves, standing side by side, one grey and one black.
"Standing before me..." Should be a new paragraph, not only for grammatical reasons but because it makes that moment more suspenseful.
And I'm done. Have I mentioned that I love the way you describe things? And I think you did a nice job of keeping the pace up throughout this chapter. I also like that the first chapter was in third person and the second chapter was in first person. it tells us that these two events are separate, and then you masterfully linked them together at the end. It also allowed your audience to really get to know Stella, which I liked.
Happy writing!
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
Well I'm sorry to say that I haven't read any of your last two chapters, but instead of focusing on storyline and the like, I will do my best to help you with grammar, style, flow, and so on. Hope this review helps you somewhat.
From what I can see you have pretty good sentence structuring, but I also am noticing that there are quite a few grammar errors. That aside I can appreciate your vocabulary, and the way you have advanced mixed in with simplified vocabulary. It's quite refreshing to see.
What I don't like though, is the way that you seem to telling and not showing. Saying that she regretted doing something, is a form of telling and not showing. Instead of just saying outright that she regretted it, is just boring! Not to mention it doesn't give us that full feeling that we should have from that. Make us feel that she regretted it! We want to understand why she regretted it and we can't do that because you simply just told us. Explain why she regrets it and show us that she is regretting it. Now I'm just using that one as just an example. This telling and not showing business is all throughout and it's really quite essential to get out of the telling. Telling bores the reader and doesn't give them any real feel for the story. Make sense?
Alright, see all the words that I put in red? Well the thing about this paragraph is that it is rather redundant. Like you have to be around three times, and light two times. The best way to avoid redundancy is to read it aloud to yourself, or just take a pen to your work with the intention of finding the redundant parts. It has always worked for me, so I think it should work for anybody else.
Here you have two parts of dialogue, that have different authors. In cases such as these, you need to split them into different paragraphs.
Here you have a word that isn't needed. If you have that it in there, then it doesn't really seem like a dialogue tag but a sort of run on that needs to be edited out. Make sense?
There is a problem here with your contractions. See the it's right here? Now there is its and there's it's. It's means It is while its is possessive. Soo your it's right here, should be its as it's possessive.
One more thing before I close up... I've noticed that you seem to start with a lot of I did this and I did that sort of thing. Try and vary it out a little and try and cut out some adverbs and spice it up with something else. Basically I think you should try and cut out some of the I did this thingy and try and focus on the overall flow. Make sense to you?
Alright, that's it from me! I hope this helps you and if you have any questions then feel free to PM me!
Keep writing!
~Cricket
Thank you so much!
It's me again. I still love your writing, but I'll skip my fangirling and move into the critique.
Using second person is an interesting choice in dialogue. Sometimes it works, but for the most part it should be avoided. For example, if you delete, with you here, it still makes sense.Here are my nitpicks:
I like this sentence, but it's kind of weird ending it on the word from, it's easily fixed though, just make it, "to be begged for mercy."
There are two things I'd like to mention here. The first is that I'm pretty sure, grammatically speaking, that hyphen should be a period. The second, are the words, "for the fact that." If you delete them, the sentence still makes sense, it reads. "I wanted to stride into the light for the first time in my life, except I'd instantly be exiled." You have a way with words, but having these unnecessary words in your writing bogs it down and weakens the sentences. Getting rid of them makes your writing that much stronger.
Remember the new paragraph, new dialogue thing.
Grammatically speaking, lied should be lay. I looked it up on writer's digest just to be sure.
That is an interesting word in the English language, because we often use it needlessly. For example, if you delete bof of the "that"s in the sentence, it reads, "I was so worn out I didn't even realize I was slowly dozing off. ." See, it totally makes sense and doesn't have that lovely word...that, bogging it down. If you can ever delete words, do, because ever word counts in a novel.
First, I really liked this. Second, "Poor creature" should start a new paragraph.
Two things here as well. First the new dialogue, new paragraph thing. Second, "A couple moments of silence" and "Another moment of silence" both of these are sentence fragments. It's easily fixed but adding a "There was" to the beginning of both of them.
"Standing before me..." Should be a new paragraph, not only for grammatical reasons but because it makes that moment more suspenseful.
And I'm done. Have I mentioned that I love the way you describe things? And I think you did a nice job of keeping the pace up throughout this chapter. I also like that the first chapter was in third person and the second chapter was in first person. it tells us that these two events are separate, and then you masterfully linked them together at the end. It also allowed your audience to really get to know Stella, which I liked.
Happy writing!
-Art
Thank you so much! Your reviews help a lot.
Hey! Great writing. Haven't read the other two entries but I might having read this.
Chapters are as long and short as you want them to be, but I felt like this was a little stunted. I'm not sure what exactly it needs, but as you write on and come back to look at this, I'm sure you'll find it.
Well... A yelp is when you step on a dog's tail and he goes "YIPE!" I doubt that was what you were going for, since a yelp is not quite so intimidating as a snarl... A snarl so close to your ear you can smell rotten breath.
Another thing I notice is you use a lot of words too close together...
Stuff like that.
So what did the mistress look like? What do the wolves look like, other than that they are grey and black? Gimme the deets, KatGirl!