Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
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125,023 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hey Kara, it's me, outvaders. I'm here with the review I promised. I'll cover both Entry 1 and Entry 2 in this review. Strap yourself up, cause unlike my previous reviews, this one is going to be a little more disorganized than usual. It's gonna be a pretty rough ride of ideas. Let's get right into the beef.
Alright, so I said in my comment below that this was extremely similar to Bongcheon Dong Ghost. Now, after reading both entries a few times and giving it a lot of thought, I can now say this about your story: it's pretty much Bongcheon Dong Ghost. This story's villain is the villain of Bongcheon Dong Ghost, and the plot of this story is the plot of Bongcheon Dong Ghost. In your story and the original webtoon, the villains are both women who committed suicide by jumping off a tall building because they lost custody of their respective chilren. In both stories, they both ask the main character where their baby is. And when the main character lies to them about the baby, they both chase after the main character. How similar is that? Although you could say that there were modifications, like the villain is kind of like a zombie instead of a ghost, it just still feels the same. As someone who read the original webtoon before, I can't help but feel like this story is just Bongcheon Dong Ghost, but it's way less cooler and without its famed jumpscares. This for me is a very big minus.
This story would have been better if its writing was actually scary. But it's not, because there is little attitude and emotion to the main character. The main character is confined in a "Mental Hospital for the Traumatized." The fact that she's literally in a padded cell would mean that this event she's narrating must have damaged her mental health. Like, the PTSD screwed a hole in her head really hard or something. But for the most part as she writes this story, she's so calm. She doesn't break off from the story and rant about what she did She just tells the story in clear, proper fashion. Overall, her writing isn't shaken enough to sell the idea that this event was really traumatizing for her.
Edgar Allan Poe adds personality to his characters' writings very well. In "The Black Cat," the main character digresses from the story he's telling and spends an entire paragraph telling the reader about "the spirit of PERVERSENESS." He explains in horrifying detail that he did this horrid thing to his cat precisely because he knew that he wasn't supposed to do it, because this cat had done nothing wrong to him, because this cat had been loyal to him for many years. The very thought of it is unsettling, but what sold that scene for me was how terrified he was of this spirit of perverseness. When I read it, I felt as if I was reading the work of a shaken character who poured out all his feelings and fears. However, this story has none of that. It just settles for doing what it needs to do, which is tell the story, then gets out. There's little emotion and attitude to it.
Anyways, that's my review for today. I hope I was able to communicate my ideas pretty nicely in here. If you want to know how to make some top-class journal-entry-like horror stories, I recommend reading Poe's short stories. He always writes in first person and conveys his characters' psychologies very well, so maybe you'd be interested there.
I'll see you around.
-outvaders
I'm having doubts about this work, but all I know for now is that this is extremely similar to Bong Chong Dong Ghost, except that it has none of the clever elements that made it so infamous. I'll write a review sooner or later.
Hi there Kara (again),
It's MJ, here to continue my reviewing spree. So without further ado, let's jump into it.
1) You had a pretty significant jump in time between your first entry and this continuation. It almost feels like a separate plot with the same characters. I would bridge that gap a little to make the transition more fluid.
2)
It seems kinda strange that she would immediately make that jump between not being able to find the woman in any sort of directory and being a ghost.
3) Two nitpicks- first, saying both 'occasional' and 'here and there' is a bit redudant. I would recommend taking one of them out. Secondly, this is a small town, so I would say 'filled' rather than stuffed.
4)
Twenty dollars seems overly generous. I would say something smaller, like maybe five dollars.
Other than that, amazing job! Again, this was a little on the gorier side, so I would make it 16+ again. I can't wait for the next chapter! Keep writing!
Best wishes,
MJ
Hello!
The date and time thing was to show that she needed to put her mind into writing her story. Jeanine being traumatized, she probably didn't want to tell the story maybe because she didn't want the woman to come after her again? That would be my guess.
The story on the internet that Jeanine could find was a woman who killed herself. That's why she immediately went to "is the woman a ghost?"
To correct something that you said, Jeanine lives in a small city, not a small town.
Thank you for the review! It was really helpful!--Kara
Excellent, I love the suspense. I can't see anything wrong with it.
Next chapter soon please!Thanks!