Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,023 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hey there
. I would say something. It's more specific.fellow nerdKara,It's MJ, here for a quick review. It's a great start, but like everything in life, improvements could be made. So I'm here to show you some areas where I think some different wording/other ideas would make the story better. Feel free to ignore any of these suggestions; you're the author.
1)
2) Romance involves a relationship between two or more people, so it wouldn't really be romantic for the MC to walk down a street by his/herself, no matter the conditions.
3) Why would she look for someone to talk to? I understand that she is panicking due to the color of the moon, but in that situation wouldn't it make more sense for her to go home faster, to research it or ask her family?
4) How does she know that the woman has a broken leg?
5) I would recommend setting this to 16+, just because of the horrific descriptions at the end. There are some younger writers on YWS, and they and their parents might not appreciate this. It's just always good to have a warning.
Overall thoughts:
Great job on this piece. Overall, we know that this event traumatized her but we're not quite sure why. Obviously, she witnesses something horrible, but you foreshadow to something quite worse happening further on and end on a cliffhanger of sorts. Again, this is well-written and there were only a few comments I had, which can be found above. Keep writing!
Best wishes,
MJ
Thanks!
I need to fix the "talk to" thing. I'll make it more specific. I'll also make it 16 , and I'll change the "broken leg" part.
The review was very helpful otherwise. Thank you!-- Kara
Sorry that I didn't help that much. I started to but then got side tracked and forgot about it. Sorry
It be okay
That was really good! I've never read horror before, so it caught me a little off guard, but I think you did a really good job with it. I really like how you have the main character writing about it from a mental hospital. Also, your description of the woman and her baby was really freaky, but I mean that as a good thing. The part about the woman being reborn makes me really want to know what happens next. Keep up the good work!
Hello--
I finished the second part if you want to look at it! Entry 2-- The Mental Hospital for the Traumatized: The Woman
Sup KaraStevens - I'm here to review, as promised!
So, this was an interesting read! I really enjoyed the dark atmosphere and the way these supernatural encounters are almost normalised - it reminds me a little of Welcome to Night Vale in that respect. I like the strong voice that you've give Jeanine (how is that pronounced, just so I know?) and how she addresses the reader to keep them engaged. It's a nice touch! All of it really adds up to make a pretty strong tone and feeling in your story. On top of that, I couldn't spot any grammatical errors (but then again I'm really bad at grammar sooooo) so that made the reading really smooth and chill.
One thing I noticed almost right away was how you almost entirely tell rather than show. The conversational nature of your narrative means it reads more like a conversation than a piece of writing, which is a negative in my opinion - it leaves the reader without any kind of image of what's going on - we don't even know what Jeanine looks like! Nor what her school is like, or the city. We only get descriptions of the mother and her dead baby - these were actually very good descriptions, but we just need more of them sprinkled throughout to help us get a feel for the setting and even get more information about Jeanine.
I also noticed her kind of stunted reactions to everything. It's my understanding that she's looking back on this and retelling it to the reader, but even so she should be able to recall how she reacted and recall it to the reader. Frazzled isn't exactly the word I'd use to describe a normal Charleston high-schoolgirl coming into contact with horrors like the ones she saw. The fact that you wrote she was a normal girl and then show her extremely abnormal reactions threw me off - I would have turned around and sprinted like my life depended on it if I saw something like that, and so would most people I know (even the really manly men on the school rugby team would have run).
Now for the nitpicks:
Closing in what way? Shutting for the day or closing for good? Context! And why is Jeanine so calm about it? More explanation would be good, I think, because that confused me quite a bit.
Editing error?
Show, don't tell. Show using descriptions and metaphors 'n other fun stuff rather than just telling and leaving the reader confused and devoid of an image of the scene.
How does she know this? Show, don't tell!
A bit frazzled? I would be terrified if that had happened to me. I feel like her reactions all the way through are a little unrealistic - but they could be made to be more realistic if you add a little more information about her backstory to show why and how she's so unshakable.
So, that's it from me. This was a good read, and I hope none of my feedback came over as harsh : ) I hope the review was helpful!
-regismare
Here's to clear things up:
I used the 'deer-in-the-headlights' effect on her. That's why her reactions were kind of abnormal. She also lives in a city, so she sees quite a few strange people in her life.
Normally, I use a lot more description but I needed to do a different point of view for Jeanine (Pronounced: Jean-nine). That's why I did more of a narration for her.
This was not a harsh review compared to some of the ones I do.
Hope this helped!--
Kara
: )