When she went out into the empty street, silenced, forlorn amid a seething noon, her steps sounded like thunder. She became frightened by her own steps. Looking back on every step she took, she retraced her journey. Her heart thudded heavy, uncontrollably in her chest. Like a bird caged behind bars reaching freedom, hopeful but frightened… Hopeful yet frightened.
But then this cage was safer than the world out.
Afraid she was that she won’t be able to return. When most of her life had been spent in midst of blood thirst, vengeance and war, she knew that each step she took away from her shelter mattered in sense of being the last or the worst. Thirst and hunger did drove her mad…but much more than her own self she feared that the tiny life back there would suffer. She was his keeper. How could she worry about herself now? That was how she had nurtured the child with her milk until there wasn’t any in her body to give while she herself burned and writhed with thirst and hunger.
There was a spring hidden behind giant boulders, farther east from the town – just a few miles away from the eastern gateway. It wasn’t frequently visited as three years ago it got abandoned: a man was found dead with his head detached from his body over there. It was such fiery news…then. Now, even if a man is found shredded into pieces before someone’s threshold, the occupants will just remove the evidence…destroy any proof of its existence that they may get involved in bigger issues. And no one would care. It was just three years later. It happened to have become such a long time.
She could have gone undiscovered at night. But the child was thirsty – he had cried so much. If she didn’t hurry, the child…she closed her eyes.
He was asleep now.
But he may wake up in her absence! If he woke up before her return he would cry…until he couldn’t. He would be thirsty…and hungry; more so now when she hadn’t fed him since the previous night. No time to lose. She could keep him alive on water.
And if on her way she happened to get her hands on some berries she could feed him their juice. He was just three months old...too young to eat anything.
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125,004 Literary Works • 672,792 Reviews
Hey there, KanekiManjushage! Happy Review Day!
When she went out into the empty street, silenced, forlorn amid a seething noon, her steps sounded like thunder. She became frightened by her own steps. Looking back on every step she took, she retraced her journey.
I love the descriptive language and beautiful imagery you've used throughout this piece. It creates a magical, folkloric atmosphere in my imagination. The only thing to watch out for is repetition. In the above chunk of text, you use 'step' three times in close proximity. Try rewording so you only use it once.
Now, even if a man is found shredded into pieces before someone’s threshold, the occupants will just remove the evidence…destroy any proof of its existence that they may get involved in bigger issues.
I was pretty shocked by this. It was a good idea on your behalf to include this bit of information. It wasn't really necessary to progress the plot, but it helped make the world the story is set in seem that much more sinister and deadly. It added an urgency to the main character's mission, too.
I thought the ending was a little sudden, unless there's a part two coming. Perhaps try ending it by emphasizing the love she feels for the young one. Think of a sentence that will linger in my memory, that will leave me truly emotional. Leave an impression on the reader. Apart from that, I enjoyed reading this. Like I said, I enjoyed the magical tone you've used. Please keep sharing your writing!
Hello hello! Happy RevMo and happy review day!
I also sensed how much this MC cares for the young child she is taking care of. You did a nice job showing that love and that this MC is going to do what she needs to do to keep the child safe despite the circumstances.
This was a very intriguing chapter! I'm guessing it's the first chapter of a story? You did a nice job creating suspense and creating sort of an eerie vibe where the reader doesn't quite know what's going on and that there could be danger anywhere. I'm not sure if that's what you were going for, but that was what I felt
One thing I think you could add in this chapter is a bit more bigger picture description about just what exactly is happening on a slightly bigger scale? Where are we? Who is this MC? What is the MC doing? And why? Is she escaping from something? Where is she going? Who is this child? Is it her child or where did the child come from? I'm intrigued by what is happening in this chapter, but I feel like I'm missing just enough of what's going on to feel confused, and you don't want your reader to feel confused at the beginning of the story. Obviously there is a fine line at the beginning of stories to give your reader enough to get by and enough to leave them wanting more, but not so much that you give away all the secrets and all the exciting stuff right away
A few grammar things and specific thoughts:
This isn't a grammar thing, but more a style thing. You've used the word "step" three times in three sentences. It's starting to sound repetitive. Is there a way to rephrase these sentences to avoid repeating the word so much?
I think you meant "the world outside"?
The way this is phrased it's a fragment. It sounds like there needs to be something after "return" - like what implication does it have that she's afraid she won't be able to return. Or, you could rephrase the sentence to make it more active and have the subject go first like - "She was afraid she wouldn't be able to return."
"in the sense of being"
And the last or the worst what? "in the sense of being the last or the worst" confused me a bit. I think what you're saying is that every single step she takes matters because it could easily be her last step? That little part is showing the stakes, or why it matters that she is getting away now, and I think you could clean up the phrasing of that a bit.
The tiny life back where? Show me a bit more here. What do her surroundings look like? Where is "back there"? Is she carrying the child? Pulling the child in a wagon? Is the child walking? Give me a bit more detail here.
I looooved in this paragraph that you gave us a sense of the world we're in and how dangerous things are. That was great. I just want more description of what this world looks like. Paint me a picture of where this person is, what she's seeing/feeling/smelling/hearing/experiencing. I want to feel like I'm there with her experiencing everything she is.
I thought the phrasing of this sentence was a little off, and I'm not sure you need this sentence. I think the sentence preceding it gives the same information that this one does.
This confused me a bit because when the child was first mentioned, she was moving and he was a tiny life "back there". Now she's thinking of leaving him to do what? Your writing style is very fluid and very pretty and I like it a lot, but in the midst of all of that pretty and fluidity, don't forget to show your reader exactly what is happening and why your characters are doing what they are doing.
This ending felt a bit abrupt to me. Is there more to this chapter? I want to see how this scene resolves!
Overall, I think you have an intriguing beginning to a story here and really hope you continue to work on it! I think you have a really nice style of writing and you're able to show emotion and create a mood an atmosphere really well. Now just carry that over to describing and you'll be golden! Let me know if you have any questions or if you would like feedback about something I didn't mention!
This was absolutely amazing! I could feel the strong sense of anxiety in this. I noticed that there is just one small correction to make, otherwise everything was all fine and dandy.
All you have to do here is change the word drove to drive. Either that or take the word did out.
Once again, great job, fantastic work, and I hope you keep it up! ^^