I.
expecting
startling discoveries but
never finding
the soft moss swimming in a
dying spirit. it soothes
staunch wounds while
withered—
dried hands grasping
for purchase.
the lemonade jewel of the dusk
hangs faded in the haze
of velvet eyes and velvet soul,
a tender flame in memory
as a lost moon stumbles
on the pink shores
of shining mermaids
declining
as the dawn kisses
the ripened jewel of the day.
but where is the one the moon would kiss
and where will the moon find moss
and how will the moon then find these things
while the moon is lost?
II.
the lost moon wanders solemn
still and aimless on
the shadowed sands
of countless
shattered shells of dreams
of mermaid stars—
their light has drowned in day and moss.
blunt leaves beckon—
a forest at ease
draped in swimming softness.
she cannot breathe.
she staggers on.
she seeks a place she does not
know a place of dreams a place of
hope and prays the
thought echoes
real.
too many mermaids have died.
III.
the jewel of
day claws down her head
on ropes of flame—
withered moss wisps away
in streams and
strains.
there is no kindness in the scars.
the burning drives her
on. she falters—
velvet
torn by toil without the thread to mend
it—but gathers
the tatters one last time and
marches on for she is
close.
she can see—she has
reached—the place where
mermaids dance beneath the watch
of tender eyes
where a lemonade jewel can find her
and kiss her
goodnight.
The first stanza. I don't understand it. Ok, so you're expecting startling discoveries, as per the usual explorer, but you don't find... moss? That part threw me for a loop (which can, of course, be good or bad, depending on what you're going for). Also: why did you choose "staunch" to describe "wounds", of all things? It brings to mind staunching the flow of blood, and while I know staunch also means, ah, severe, it's an interesting choice of words.
So, it's the hands that are withered? Huh. On first read, I thought you were describing the moss, which clashed with the previous soft description. My bad, or yours? You can decide.
Incidentally, I'm not sure I have a problem with "lemonade jewel", though it's unexpected for me. My personal opinion has become that if we were to try to avoid cliches altogether, we'll never write anything at all. Life is too chock-full of them. I do see Persy's point about the repetition though, it seems redundant.
Punctuation, please. At least comma after "know", if not a separate lines and/or commas for each "place" statement.
So, you seem to be making a point with the repetition, but to be honest... I don't think it's working. It seems, as I said, redundant, rather than rhymey. (<----totally a word)
Sidenote: I wanted to add an h to "wisps", even though I know the spelling is correct.
On the whole:
CHANGE NOTHING THIS PERFECTWell, I already mentioned the repetition. It took me a while to understand the story here, and I think it's a good one. Would you like for me to pull out the dream books and look up moons and /mermaids? I know I'd like to. *eyebrow wiggle* *does so* Okay. There are too many possibilities. *abandons ship*
ANYWAY. I liked it. A lot. :3
The first stanza. I don't understand it. Ok, so you're expecting startling discoveries, as per the usual explorer, but you don't find... moss? That part threw me for a loop (which can, of course, be good or bad, depending on what you're going for). Also: why did you choose "staunch" to describe "wounds", of all things? It brings to mind staunching the flow of blood, and while I know staunch also means, ah, severe, it's an interesting choice of words.
So, it's the hands that are withered? Huh. On first read, I thought you were describing the moss, which clashed with the previous soft description. My bad, or yours? You can decide.
Incidentally, I'm not sure I have a problem with "lemonade jewel", though it's unexpected for me. My personal opinion has become that if we were to try to avoid cliches altogether, we'll never write anything at all. Life is too chock-full of them. I do see Persy's point about the repetition though, it seems redundant.
Punctuation, please. At least comma after "know", if not a separate lines and/or commas for each "place" statement.
So, you seem to be making a point with the repetition, but to be honest... I don't think it's working. It seems, as I said, redundant, rather than rhymey. (<----totally a word)
Sidenote: I wanted to add an h to "wisps", even though I know the spelling is correct.
On the whole:
CHANGE NOTHING THIS PERFECTWell, I already mentioned the repetition. It took me a while to understand the story here, and I think it's a good one. Would you like for me to pull out the dream books and look up moons and /mermaids? I know I'd like to. *eyebrow wiggle* *does so* Okay. There are too many possibilities. *abandons ship*
ANYWAY. I liked it. A lot. :3
Alrighty. So, Kyll, seeing that you asked me for this review I'm not going to hold back all that much.
this doesn't quite work. Line breaks can be difficult at times, especially when you're trying to manipulate the flow or emphasize certain aspects or words in the poem, but sometimes sticking with the basic lines where ideas flow or stop is best. Read it aloud. Edit accordingly.I didn't like this. I saw this before, decided not to review it until now, since you asked.
Kyll, m'dear, don't try so hard. With poetry not everything needs to be ~fabulously pretty~ or anything. So. Things you need to work on.
1 Flow
2 Diction
3 Voice
Alright, so the flow in this poem is shaky at best. I'd work on your line breaks first. Impact doesn't always hit on the first word of a line-- it hits best on the last. That means that in areas such as
Diction. Now. This might be a personal thing but the diction throughout your entire piece seemed like it was trying too hard. I'm just discussing the style in this review, as you might have noticed, but it's really important if you want your ideas/metaphors to hit.
Your diction was quite uniform throughout the entire poem, which is good, nice in developing a steady voice (which I'll discuss next) but it wasn't to my personal tastes. It tries much too hard. You have a metaphor for a metaphor in phrases like which seems both cliche and painfully generic to me. I mean, it's nice to stretch out and play with your descriptions but using this over and over again was not the best of ideas. Not my taste, it's a personal thing.
Another thing is the many usages of "velvet". This poem is so, so soft and plush feeling to me but it doesn't seem to carry much else in it. I mean, there are the other tones leaking in with some words like "burning" and "claws" (claws is very awkwardly used, by the way) but overall I'd suggest opting for more natural sounding language.
Lastly, voice. The voice throughout is really consistent, as I said, which is nice, but it's strained all the same. Read this aloud, see how it tastes in your mouth and maybe rephrase to make it a bit more natural. Maybe it's just the usage of mermaids and jewels that turn me off from the poem as a whole because it's honestly just not my cup of tea but your voice in this poem is... fragile. Delicate, and not in a good way. It's tattered sounding, with lots of shiny things thrown in and I just don't know how to feel about it as a whole, lol.
Anyways, sorry if I wasn't much help. Like I said, I'm not very good at reviewing anymore, lol. Lemme know if you have any questions.
Working on the review, honest. I'm waiting for the words to say.