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“John Daniel, get back here immediately!”
John ignored his father and kept running. He ran out the front door of the house, around the rickety porch, through the backyard, and into the woods. He heard the back door slam as his father stomped onto the porch.
John ran faster.
He ran until both his sides stabbed his lungs with pain, until his legs wobbled with every stride, until he could no longer see straight, but still kept running until he tripped over a rock and came crashing down in a pile of mildewed leaves.
John lay there for a long time, straining to hear his father’s footsteps over his own labored breathing. He didn’t hear anyone following. Once he caught his breath, John sat up, his legs feeling like jelly. He decided that sitting for a while was a good thing, so he looked around.
Next to the pile of leaves he’d landed in was a tall post built of stone mortared together. It was old, the mortar having rotted and crumbled away in many places, and stones lay scattered around the post where they’d fallen and rolled away. John had tripped over one of these fallen stones, and he was lucky he hadn’t hit his head on another.
John kicked one of the stones, the one he’d thought he tripped over. It rolled over and revealed a face grotesquely carved and clotted with dirt.
John was surprised, but not afraid. He looked thoughtful a moment and began examining the other stones lying nearby. Most of them had faces, all of them in different expressions. Some were peaceful, some were angry, some were happy, and some were pained, like the first stone he’d turned over. There were even a few faces still embedded in the post, and when John stood up, he saw that at the top of the post was a large four-faced head, with each face looking in a different direction.
John wanted to get a better look at those faces, so he went to climb the post.
“Please stop, child. You will dislodge more stones.”
John jumped and looked around for the person who’d spoken. He saw no one. He looked up and saw one of the faces looking down at him. It was the sad face of the head at the top.
“Sorry!” he squeaked, backing away from the post.
“There is no need,” said the sad face with a sigh. “No harm has been done.”
The head of the post spun around, and a thoughtful face peered at him. “Indeed, you might be able to reverse the harm.”
The head spun again, and an excited face looked down at him. “Yes! Boy! Put the fallen stones back!”
“But, they’ll just fall out again,” said John. “The mortar is all gone.”
The thoughtful face reappeared. “Use the mud from the stream just beyond. It should hold the stones in place long enough for you to find mortar.”
The sad face returned. “Even a temporary reprieve would be of great aid to us. To be so incomplete is unbearable, even for a moment longer.”
“You can do it!” said the excited face.
“We refuse to take no for an answer,” said a rather formidable face as it glared down at John.
“Intimidation is ill-advised in our current situation,” said the thoughtful face.
“Well, what else can we do?” The tone of the formidable face’s voice was bitter. “We can’t move ourselves.”
“We can help him!” The excited face looked John in the eye. “We can help you find a safe place!”
John felt uncomfortable. “Why do I need one?”
The formidable face scoffed.
“You have run yourself to exhaustion, child,” said the sad face.
“None would run so hard without good reason. What is it you are fleeing?” asked the thoughtful face, peering intently at John. It felt to him like the face was analyzing his every movement, as if it could read his mind by reading his body.
“Perhaps we should not pry. The poor child is growing discomfited.”
“Perhaps.”
“Anyway! We know a safe place! And we’ll tell you how to get there if you help us!”
“You’d better help us.”
“Again with the intimidation…”
The faces began arguing among themselves, shifting between so quickly that John became dizzy watching them. He thought he might have seen a few more than just four. The faces grew louder and louder until suddenly, they stopped spinning and speaking, and it was the sad face that looked down at John again.
“Please, child. Will you help us?”
The face looked so sad, and John felt a little bad about almost hurting the post before, so he nodded.
“Thank you, child.” The sad face smiled, which somehow made it look sadder.
The thoughtful face spun into place. “The stream is fifty strides from here in the direction of the peaceful side. There are dry grasses along the way which you should combine with the mud to better hold the stones in place.”
“Now go!” snapped the formidable face.
The excited face reappeared. “Don’t mind that one! That one’s always rude to everyone! See you soon!”
John walked around the post, found the side with peaceful faces, and set off towards the stream, counting the steps in his head.
It took him more than fifty.
End of chapter
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Heya Kyllorac, pretzelsing here for another review, I see that you have introduced another character-nice.
And of course the dialogue is soooo interesting, because it's spoken by inanimate objects. I love that idea.concept.
Now,let's begin,shall we?
I fell like there could be a couple of little words added here to make it flow more smoothly. I have put them in parenthesis(just so that you can differentiate.
I don't know about this repetition of some were... some were... in this sentence.In fact it was kind of straining to look at so I actually skipped this and didn't read it(for some reason) and so I think that I would change that a little bit to make it more presentable.What about?
Some were peaceful and happy, and others were angry and pained like the first stone he'd turned over.
If you also noticed I paired to emotions to be together(the first pair is happy and good mood and the second pair is sad and foul mood). I think that you could consider changing it to that if you wish.
This is just another thing that I noticed(I don't have to write it but) are these stones or rocks? I am wondering because for me they paint two different pictures. I watched actually yesterday my favorite show which had talking rocks pictured and they looked like ordinary rocks but when they rolled out the faces appeared. Stones for me are the smaller version. So go back and check for inconsistency for that specific thing <,<
I was wondering, how does a rock face sigh? I am trying to imagine that but I honestly can't. Can you imagine it? If you can, keep it, of you can't, strikeout it.
I have a question about this. Why did that stop arguing suddenly? Did one if them yell stop and did they come to an agreement? Maybe expand a little more on that.
I really really liked your last sentence because it left us wanting for more.BTW as a kind of side note what measurement does fifty strides mean? Is that like steps or...???
Anyways this is the first time that I saw your write the dialogue and I thought that it was strong and realistic (the dialogue itself-not the talking rocks
Anyways, that's it from me! I hope that that this review helps you improve your writing. If you have any questions you can reply!
KEEP ON WRITING!
Hi Kyllorac,
My main impression from reading this excerpt was you write well and with clarity. The story was easy to follow and it held my interest. I was never confused or bored and that is a good sign. My only complaint was that this was a bit too short and without context, and I felt like I did not a good sense of what John was like. However, as this is part of a longer piece, I am willing to forgive that.
So, let's delve a bit deeper:
Who runs out the front door to go through the backyard? Why does his father slam the back door if he just ran out the front door?
I didn't like this line and didn't feel like it warranted a paragraph of its own. The following paragraph is a lot more showy and demonstrates what you're trying to say with better sensory detail. I'd remove this completely. If you wanted to keep up, I'd amalgamate it into the following paragraph and change the verb to something more descriptive.
Good, but I would remove "but still kept running". Its superfluous and after the comma you then have "until he tripped over..." which matches the rest of the sentence and allows it to flow better.
I think these are separate ideas, really. I'd prefer: "Once he caught his breath, John sat up. His legs felt like jelly."
Perhaps add "his new-found surroundings" to the end? He's obviously directing his looking at that so I think it needs some context.
"He'd landed in" is superfluous (you've established this already) and ruins your sentence. I'd prefer "Next to his bed of leaves was a tall post build of mortared stone." Giving John possession of the bed of leaves makes more sense, and I think "mortared stone" sounds better.
This sentence has a strange structure. Perhaps something more like - "It was old, its mortar rotten and crumbled away [in many places], and stones were scatted around the foot of the post where they had fallen and rolled away."
I feel like you can do better than "in many places" so perhaps use a single word which covers that description.
You have a tendency to write some sentences with a comma in the middle, when it would be better to rewrite this as one unbroken sentence e.g. "John kicked the stone that had made him trip."
This confused me slightly as I didn't realise the post was that tall. Maybe modify the original description of the post to indicate that is taller than John, and wide enough to be climbed? In my head I imagined something slim.
I really enjoyed your dialogue and the resulting conversation was good. But I wonder if you could come up with better "names" for the faces? It got a bit tiresome reading formidable face, sad face, thoughtful face etc. Perhaps call them Formidable, Sad, Thoughtful? Just an idea. I'm sure you could come up with something creative.
I also wanted more descriptions of the face. You describe their expressions but not exactly what the faces look like on the rocks. Are they human like? I had no idea how it imagine them so had cartoons in my head! I definitely think this is a priority to give this scene more life. While your dialogue was strong, the whole conversation lacked description and for the reader it's not meaty enough. Something to work on.
I think you have a missing word here - "shifting between so quickly" doesn't make sense.
I think this description was really lacking - the faces are blurring together and shifting and John thinks he sees more than the four he was talking to. But I did not get a good sense of that from this line. I think you should work on your descriptions to make them more vivid in the mind of the reader. It's probably the aspect you need to work on most in this excerpt.
Anyway, good job. I think the main aspects you need to think about are your descriptions, which are not the best. Your dialogue, however, is very strong.
A few questions to finish. I don't know John's character so they might not apply depending on his personality. I also don't know the world too well, so I am unsure how common talking stones are!
- Why does John not freak out? He's talking to stones!
- Why doesn't John question the stones, and why they are there, and why they're talking to him?
Thank you for the review!
Descriptions have always been one of my weaker points, and I'll definitely be focusing on it more in later drafts. For the moment though, I'm working on getting the story written and characters developed so I have something to work with. I've always found it easier to add description in later, rather than figure out what to keep and what to cut.
I'm glad you thought the dialogue was strong. I was worried that it wasn't going to work out that well.
I'm also wondering why I didn't think about naming the stones like that.
To answer your questions:
John is still pretty young (around ten), and he's grown up listening to stories involving lots of magic and magical creatures. He's always wanted to go on his own adventures, so talking to stones wouldn't faze him at all. If anything, he's excited and happy that he's finally encountered a magical creature. He doesn't ask any questions because he doesn't see a reason to.
I should probably put in some more mentions of how John feels about talking to the stones now that I think about it.
Hi! I really enjoyed reading this work. I think that the plot seems interesting, but you might want more exposition. For example, why was John running? Was his father abusing him, or was John just angry? Also, the grammar and spelling was very good. There was one point, however, where something didn't make sense to me. It said, "We refuse to take no for an answer," but I don't know what the stones could have done if John hadn't decided to help. The stone then said, “Well, what else can we do? We can’t move ourselves," but if it can't move, then the stones can't harm John. The most that they could do is bribe him or merely beg for help. I hope you find this review helpful.
Thanks for the review.
John is running because he just had a pretty bad argument with his father. This part of the story is pretty late into the beginning, so there will be an explanation for why John runs (once I write it).
John doesn't know what the faces could do either, but he suspects that it's pretty nasty. These are magical talking stone faces after all. Who knows what they're capable of?
The post ha ha cool title
Well this piece had allot of emotion and actually very good spacing
Dialogue is ok but it could be better but writing this novel beginning with dialogue and
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grammar and spelling also so I wouldn't worry about the minor things
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Well punctuation was very good and showed a lot
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it was good size
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It was very good so keep writing you're heart out
Love, teacake013
Hi. Thanks for the review. I have a few questions, especially since one of your sentences seems to have lost half of itself somewhere.
I was wondering how you think the dialogue could be better? Also, I'm not sure what you were trying to say about beginning with dialogue? Were there any issues with the grammar or spelling? It's not clear if you're saying there were, or there weren't.
If you could answer these questions, that would be really helpful.