In which Emmaline sees the Court

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Rothur’s strides were long, and the land sped by. For the most part, the journey was filled with sameness to Emmaline: the grass was ratty and gray, the trees were stunted and gnarled, and thorns stook out without warning, but Rothur dodged all of those terrible spears with such grace that Emmaline never feared she would fall, and he leapt over trees as if they were low bushes, and the grass parted in front of him from the force of his passage.

A long time passed, though how long, Emmaline did not know because the murky sun never moved from its spot in the sky. It hovered over a distant peak, a silhouette of grand spires perched on top of the mountain. She wondered if that was Rothur’s destination, but she did not ask until he had slowed and come to a rest beneath the branches of a large pine.

Rothur told her that those were the towers of the Court, which now stood crippled by the countless thorns that wound their ways throughout the land. No one lived there, for no one could live there anymore. Many had been lost when the thorns first burst forth, and many more had been lost since in attempts to reclaim the throne.

Rothur warned Emmaline that she must never go there, even as she suspected that, one day, she would have to.

Once Rothur had rested, he lifted Emmaline back onto his shoulder and set forth once more, the land speeding by with the sameness of before.

Emmaline had just begun to wonder if all the land looked the same when Rothur came to a sudden stop and set her down. They had arrived at the edge of the Swamp, he told her, and from that point on, she would have to walk lest they both sink into the mire.

Emmaline did not like the thought of walking through mud and muck, but she liked the thought of sinking into them even less, and so, with a heavy sigh, she gathered up her determination and followed Rothur, stepping daintily all the while in an attempt to keep as much mud off her favorite pair of shoes as she could.

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Points: 37216
Reviews: 346

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Sun Mar 22, 2015 10:45 pm

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Pretzelstick wrote a review...

Heya Kyllorac, pretzelsing here for a review. I see that you only have two short reviews on this piece Never fear pretzel is here! I have gotten used to your short sections so just for your novel I am writing short reviews~~I usually write longer ones~~
Anyways, let's begin,shall we?

For the most part, the journey was filled with sameness to Emmaline: the grass was ratty and gray, the trees were stunted and gnarled, and thorns stook out without warming, but Rothur dodged all of those terrible spears with such grace that Emmaline never feared she would fall, and he leapt over trees as if they were low bushes, and the grass parted in front of him from the force of his passage.

That is all one sentence? I think that this is waaaay too long and that you could divide it.Here is how I would do it:

For the most part, the journey was filled with sameness to Emmaline.period hereThe grass was ratty and gray, the trees were stunted and gnarled, and thorns stook out without warming, but Rothur dodged all of those terrible spears with such grace that Emmaline never feared she would fall.period hereHe leapt over trees as if they were low bushes, and the grass parted in front of him from the force of his passage.

I just divided this into three separate sentences to make it all shorter.

No one lived there, for no one could live there anymore.

I would just skip the repetition(although I understand why you are using it-you have plenty of other instances to do so,Kyllorac;)) and I would just write: No one could live there anymore.

Rothur warned Emmaline that she must never go there, even as she suspected that, one day, she would have to.

How was Emmaline supposed to take Rothur's warning seriously if she already knew that she would probably have to go there anyway. It's like your mom is saying:
"Don't go into the woods, but I suspect that you will have to bring firewood to camp from there."
That just contradicts the whole statement and purpose.Do you see what I mean,Kyllorac?

and thorns stook out without warming,

I think that this is a typo and you meant to write warning, not warming. Also I think that stook should be stuck. Two typos

I think that it's quite obvious that the thorns were sticking out without warning, they can't give a warning, do you see what I mean?

the land speeding by with the sameness of before.

The land was speeding? Maybe Rothur was speeding quickly through the land, but how can the land speed?Do you see what I mean?

Overall I like how you are describing the setting more here

Good job! I got a better feel of the landscape that is surrounding Emmaline.You painted a dreary mood here, but I have a question. Maybe you could show the sad emotion from the character's facial expressions and how they feel.Since this is a sad mood, isn't it fit for them to be sad? I know that Rothur but I want to see more of his grief over losing the whole kingdom and the king. What about Emmaline? Doesn't she feel sympathetic?

The last sentence:

stepping daintily all the while in an attempt to keep as much mud off her favorite pair of shoes as she could.

[/quote][/quote]

I really liked this "princessy" ending, you showed Emmaline caring about her favorite pair of shoes, but it is realistic because even I or you could relate to this. Very well done,Kyllorac

But it is quite wordy as Paprika said.What if you just wrote: "stepping daintly, attempting to keep as much mud off her favorite slippers." (P.S. it's spell t daintily)

I liked it overall, it was great(just like all of your other pieces) Anyways, that's it from me. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me! I hope that this review helps you improve your writing and i truly encourage you to keep on writing!

Kale says...

Thanks for reviewing again. There are quite a few things I disagree with, though:

About the long sentence: long sentences are only an issue when they become so long, they lose themselves and stop making sense. Unless that sentence stopped making sense to you, I don't see the length as an issue, especially since breaking it up in the way you suggested changes the flow and ruins the repetition of structure I had going in there.

Regarding the repetition you pointed out, it's not as redundant as you might think. Places can be abandoned for multiple reasons, especially if a terrible event has happened at that place, even though the place itself is still habitable. The second half of that sentence is there to make clear that no one lives in the Court anymore because it is impossible to live there, and not because of other reasons.

It's like your mom is saying:
"Don't go into the woods, but I suspect that you will have to bring firewood to camp from there."

Except it's not. Rothur is saying "Don't go there." Emmaline is the one going "But I probably have to go there." There's no contradiction between they're two different people with two different views on the matter.

Good catch with the "warming" typo. "Stook" is not a typo, however, as it means a violent, stabbing motion, which is what the thorns are doing.

"Speeding" is being used in the same sense that you can say that "the scenery flew past the window". Objectively-speaking, the scenery isn't doing the moving, but to someone on a train or in a car, or riding on a magical creature's shoulder, it seems that way.

I'm not sure what you were trying to say about "daintily" since I do have the correct spelling.

As for showing the emotions, it doesn't fit in this part, and I'm not going to try to make it fit here when there are other places for it (like when Emmaline finally meets the Prince).

Points: 890
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Thu Mar 19, 2015 8:39 pm

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Paprika wrote a review...

Hallo hallo.

First and foremost, let me say that I love your writing style. This passage reads so easily. It's like a refreshing drink of literature.

Though not much happened in the scene here, I feel like I could read a whole other page of simply walking as long as you were the one writing it. I read in your thread that this is meant to be a children's story, but it doesn't behave like one entirely, which I appreciate. I feel like adults and children alike can enjoy this (Harry Potter, anyone?).

To keep from gushing, I digress.

I do have one piece of complaint, however.

stepping daintily all the while in an attempt to keep as much mud off her favorite pair of shoes as she could.

Something about this sentence simply doesn't fit well with the rest of the story. I mean in terms of fluidity. It reads a little too wordy.

I've highlighted the parts that appear the clumsiest to me and I'm leaving the rest up to your discretion.

As a side note, your decision to post as you write, is brilliant. I myself have been tearing out my hair over my novel's timeline, trying to get things to come to me in chronological, but seeing what you're doing here has made me realize that it doesn't have to initially be that way. And that's rad as hell.

I'm really glad I read this today. Keep on keeping on, dude.

-Papri

Kale says...

Thanks for reviewing. I'm glad you enjoyed reading this, and I'm really glad I helped you find a different way to go about writing things. :3

Also, you are awesome for actually reading the thread.

I'll keep the sentence you pointed out in mind when revisions come around.

Points: 504
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Thu Mar 19, 2015 6:10 am

akimble1 wrote a review...

Interesting start, but there are a few things that could be changed. First, I would like to see some dialogue between the characters. Exposition is good but there needs to be some characterization. Also, unless the extreme mystery is done on purpose, you should probably include some more information to give the world more life. Even if it is only a little, there also needs to be some description of the characters to give the reader some idea of what they are dealing with. There was a point where I wasn't sure if Rothur was giant or just super strong. I do like the description of the landscape and the actions of the characters.
Like I said, good start, just some things to fix.

Kale says...

Thanks for reviewing.

This part of the story isn't actually the beginning. It's a little further in, and there's description of the characters in other parts.

The lack of dialogue is also deliberate, since I'm aiming for an older style of writing in Emmaline's parts of the story. John's parts have regular dialogue, though.

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In which Emmaline sees the Court

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