In which Emmaline first pretends

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Once upon a time, there was a princess named Emmaline. However, she was not always a princess. One day, when she was wandering the world alone and friendless, she came across a strange land filled with strange creatures and an even stranger power. But she was unafraid of that strangeness and wandered farther into that strange land until one day, she met a creature named Rothur who asked for her royal assistance in lifting a curse.

Emmaline was quite surprised since lifting curses was not a very princessly thing to do, and when she asked why Rothur had asked for her help, Rothur replied that no one in the land could lift the curse, and as she was obviously from a different land, she obviously could lift the curse.

Now, Emmaline had no experience in lifting curses, and she informed Rothur of such. Rothur simply told her that she obviously must learn, otherwise the land would be doomed to remain without a ruler forever, and that obviously the Princess Emmaline understood how terrible a state of affairs being without a ruler was as she was obviously a princess.

By this point, Emmaline had grown quite tired of how obviously obvious everything was to everyone else but her, especially since she was obviously not a princess and obviously did not understand how terrible it was for the land to be without a ruler. However, she had always wanted to be a princess, and she knew very well that if you pretended hard enough that other people believed, what you were pretending became real.

And so Emmaline bore herself in the most dignified manner she had seen in storybooks and declared, “Very well. It is most obvious that I, Princess Emmaline, must aid you.”

Rothur knelt and bade Emmaline ride upon his shoulder, and together they set off for the strangest parts of that strange land.

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Sun Mar 29, 2015 6:14 pm

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steampowered wrote a review...

Hello, steampowered here for a Review Day review!

First of all, I really enjoyed reading this intriguing beginning, and I'd love to read more. It's also a really good length to read and review! So I'll get started...

she met a creature named Rothur

A creature? What kind of creature? Even if you're trying to keep a spoken feel to it, and don't want too much detail (and I know this is set in a strange land filled with strange creatures) most storytellers would probably embellish a story with their own additions, turning Rothur into a dragon, a strange genie-like spirit, or a talking pig or something. I personally feel this is a minor yet important detail, so maybe you could offer the reader some clue as to what kind of creature Rothur is, and this may in turn influence certain actions. For example, can he fly? Does Emmaline fly on his shoulder? He can obviously talk, and I'm assuming he's huge if she can ride his shoulder, but that's all I've managed to deduce about him.

her royal assistance

I'm confused. Is she a princess or not?

princessly

Hmm, would "princessy" or "princess-y" be better? Just a thought.

I don't have much else to say about this first part, other than the fact I really liked it and want to find out what happens next. I'm interested to see how Emmaline manages to break the curse (if she does at all) and whether or not her pretence will be discovered. You said your target audience was for ages 10+ (a little older than the usual readers of fairytales) so the moral side of it probably isn't so important as if you were writing for very small children, although perhaps there could be some negative or tricky consequence of her lie?

Sorry this review is so short, but I think I've picked up on everything I noticed. Hopefully it was still helpful, and keep up the writing!

Kale says...

Thanks for the review.

Rothur gets described a little later on in the story, namely when he reveals the curse to Emmaline.

"Princessly" has the benefit of being an actual word. It's not very common, but talk of princesses isn't very common. ;P

Not all fairy tales have morals, and some of the morals of older tales are quite questionable nowadays. While there are definitely consequences to Emmaline pretending to be a princess, there aren't any intentional moral judgements tied to them. Morals are a bit simplistic for what I have in mind, and while they do have a part to play in both Emmaline and John's stories, they're more incidental than the main focus.

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Fri Mar 20, 2015 1:49 pm

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Pretzelstick wrote a review...

Heya Kyllorac, pretzelsing here for a review, this story intrigued me (yes i do like your writing style )because you said that you were working in no particular order, which is kind of sometimes like I write. Anyway let's begin, shall we?

Once upon a time, there was a princess named Emmaline

That's such a cliche beginning that I almost cringed. I know that this is like a storybook for little children, but hook us at the beginning. Make it more creative, interesting, or unique so that the kids want to turn to the next page.

she came across a strange land filled with strange creatures and an even stranger power.

Strange, strange, stranger. I feel that this was a to much repetition. What if you just wrote: "came across a strange land, creatures, and an even stranger power."
That eliminates one strange (although I'm not sure that flows better)
I also wanted to this vital thing: Why is it strange? I know that it seems foreign to her, but explain a little bit.

Emmaline was quite surprised since lifting curses was not a very princessly thing to do,

She wasn't a princess so why does she care how she acts?

Rothur replied that no one in the land could lift the curse, and as she was obviously from a different land, she obviously could lift the curse.

Okay so this is indirect quotation. For dialogue I think that direct quotation seems more natural and realistic. So I works write it like this:(indent here)Rothur replied,"No one in the land could lift the curse, and as she was obviously from a different land, she obviously could lift the curse"

Princess Emmaline understood how terrible a state of affairs being without a ruler was as she was obviously a princess.

Really? She was a princess already? I thought that she was becoming a princess because you wrote before that she wasn't always a princess.

Okay another thing is, what is this curse and and how is Emmaline supposed to break it? Why is she so confidant that she can break it? And how could Rohur trust a total stranger to actually complete this vital task?

Rothur simply told her that she obviously must learn, otherwise the land would be doomed to remain without a ruler forever

Didn't they have a ruler or a heritage/family of rulers in their land? And why did everything depend on her learning? I really don't understand this part. Maybe they already had a ruler but they were evil or not meant to rule? Just some things to consider,Kyllorac.

Rothur knelt and bade Emmaline ride upon his shoulder

This kind of seems unbelievable. An adult man would carry an adult heavy Emmaline on his shoulders. He would probably literally break his back after some time,Kyllorac. Why don't you put that they maybe ride horses or something?

That's it from me! I got that this review helps you improve your writing! If you have any questions feel free to PM me!

~(pretzelsing)~

Kale says...

Thanks for reviewing.

Emmaline's parts will not have any direct dialogue. This is part of the style I'm aiming for, and I'm not likely to change it.

A lot of your questions and issues are answered and addressed in other parts, so I'll leave you to read those parts and see for yourself. ;P

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Fri Feb 13, 2015 3:48 pm

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Monsters wrote a review...

Hey, Kyllorac.

I'm going to walk you through your own story to make a point.

However, she was not always a princess. One day, when she was wandering . . .

So you hinted to your readers that she wasn't yet a princess. However, most are confused because you are not clear on that. Some might decide she is and some might decide that she is not a princess. Complete clarity is not here but I would assume most would decide that she is not yet a princess. After you establish this you talk about-

Emmaline was quite surprised since lifting curses was not a very princessly thing to do,

So what? She is not a princess? Why at this point would she be thinking ' why is this dude asking me to do stuff when I'm a princess? ' Is she playing pretend? Is she actually a princess at this point in time? If so then the ending makes no sense at all.

obviously from a different land, she obviously could lift the curse.

Except there is nothing obvious about it. Total misuse of the word and you do it multiple times. Not only is it awkward to say the same word it is confusing your readers. Why is it so obvious that the land she comes from can lift the curse? How would one lift the curse in the first place? WHAT IS THE CURSE?

otherwise the land would be doomed to remain without a ruler forever,

WHAT? So far we have a soon to be princess helping a creature overcome a curse. Then you say; 'if she doesn't then there will be no ruler in the new land'. Sense when was the creature the ruler or on the other side of this ambiguity why does helping this creature make her a princess? Complete and total lost-ness.

very well that if you pretende

she*

Rothur knelt and bade Emmaline ride upon his shoulder, and together they set off for the strangest parts of that strange land.

What is strange about it? You have yet to give us content.

_

Now, this is a gloss over of a story were you take all of the meat out of the story. Notice how I had to ask you what the curse was? Even in a brief outline of a story that is unacceptable. There is no imagery here and no content what-so-ever. I'm not saying the story is bad but we are lost. You need to get into the character and the story; don't even bring up the princess part if it's not part of the story yet. Go through the story sequentially. And to make the point for her need to be princess, get into her head. This is a perfect time you could explain why she is drifting from area to area with no purpose (or a purpose that you have yet to tell us). Where is her family? What is she wearing? How would people believe a princess is walking to places with a bunch of creatures alone? This story is rubbish because there is no meat.

Also, there is no hook. If you want to write well one day you should read brain rules; the chapters on attention. Our brains need to change relevant ideas every 10 minutes with a relevant hook to keep good attention on something. Perhaps that is why there is such a thing as chapters. You defiantly do not need chapters with no content here but you need a hook if at-least for the beginning.

hope I helped.

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Thu Feb 12, 2015 4:15 pm

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LadySpark wrote a review...

I know i said to remind me this weekend but I started reading and I just couldn't resist reviewing it right away.

Let's dance, darlin.

However, she was not always a princess.

Personally, I would rather this be "However, there was a time when she was not a princess". It feels incomplete without some extra words in there.

One day, when she was wandering the world alone and friendless,

This line needs a different introduction. The story is going back in time, for lack of a better phrase, but we don't catch it right away. It needs something "Before she was a princess" or "On the day Emmaline became a princess" to show us exactly where we are in the story.

~~until one day,~~

one day, again? Why can't it be the same day? She's wandering and wandering, and then she happens upon this strange creature.

Rothur who asked for her royal assistance in lifting a curse.

Emmaline was quite surprised since lifting curses was not a very princessly thing to do, and

I assumed that this was the story of how Emmaline became a princess, or was set before. Maybe that's not the case, but if it is-- we need something here. We need Emmaline to claim that she is in fact not a princess, or to shake her head and say silly creature, there are no princesses here, or something. You know how in the Wizard of Oz, Glenda is like "Are you a good witch or a bad witch?" And Dorothy says "Why, I'm not a witch at all"? We need a moment like that.

and since she was obviously from a different land it obviously stood to reason she ~~obviously~~ could lift the curse.

Reworded. It just flows better this way.

enough that other people believed, what you were pretending would become real

I adore this. This is something that as a child, I would have eaten up faster than icecream. It's whimsical and sweet, while still being interesting to someone older than the obviously (;)) intended target.

Hoooweeeevvverrr. While I see what you're going for, and I see that it is completely deliberate that you write this way-- I think you're selling your story a little bit short by not expanding a bit. Yes, stories of old didn't have much description-- they did have some. And if you really are intending this story for kids, kids like to see what's in front of them. They like to be able to imagine the strange land quite easily. Because I'm currently rehearsing for the ballet of Cinderella, I'll use the original Cinderella as an example. It is also written in the old style, yet the author still makes room for adjectives.
Which brings me to my one and only huge nitpick.
Adjectives. You use the same ones "strange", especially, over and over again. When you're writing a story like this, an adjective goes a long way and is very important. Even using different words with the same definition as strange would had some variance to this story-- which is missing. I understand what you're trying to do. Old stories did have repetitiveness. But I think you need to find the balance between it being enough, not enough, and too much. I would say that this is too much.

As for the characters, I love your depiction of Rothur. I imagine him like a little troll, maybe like the one's from frozen, with a grumpy expression and eye rolling for days. Emmaline is also very sassy, but I'd like to see her fight Rothur on the princess thing a little more in the beginning.

Anyway, I adore it and let me know when the next piece is out. <3
Peyton

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Wed Feb 11, 2015 3:01 pm

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PickledChrissy wrote a review...

Heya, Chrissy here for a review!

Well, lets see what I can find...

However, she was not always a princess.

I didn't get that part. Is she a princess or is she not? Or is she just a girl playing at being one?

One day, when she was wandering the world alone and friendless,

I love this line. Don't you dare change it!

she came across a strange land filled with strange creatures and an even stranger power. But she was unafraid of that strangeness and wandered farther into that strange land until one day, she met a creature named Rothur who asked for her royal assistance in lifting a curse.

Okay, this part is full of redundancy. To much strange. I'd say, take out the last two, exchanging them for a different word.

Also, in the quote just above this one, the part about wandering the world, you say one day. You say it again at the part where she meets Rothur. Also redundant. You'll want to change that out.

Rothur replied that no one in the land could lift the curse, and as she was obviously from a different land, she obviously could lift the curse.

Two Obviously's, and how was it apparent that she was from a different world? Was it the way she dresses, or walked, and talked?

Emmaline had grown quite tired of how obviously obvious everything

NICE! She's tired of everything being apparent to everyone but her. I can understand how she's feeling.

Rothur knelt and bade Emmaline ride upon his shoulder,

I just noticed that you haven't described them at all. Or the land. What does Rother look like? Is he short, and fat? Tall and skinny? Are his eyes blue, brown, green, or maybe purple?

The same goes for Emmaline. How old is she? Is her hair blond? Does it have red streaks going down the side? jk.

Guess that isn't likely, is it?

Well, all I can say is, of course, KEEP WRITING!

Kale says...

Thanks for the review.

The lack of description and the repetition are deliberate. I'm mimicking the style of old tales which tend to repeat certain phrases (which I poke fun at with the "obviously obvious" bit) and not have a lot of description. There will be descriptions of the characters later on, when those descriptions become relevant to the story.

I hope your question about Emmaline being a princess was answered. ;P

PickledChrissy says...

Oh, I get it. Sorry...

Kale says...

No need to be sorry. There's lots of different styles out there, and if I weren't deliberately aiming for an old tale style, what you said would be spot-on.

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Wed Feb 11, 2015 2:06 pm

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malacrim wrote a review...

i think you could have introduced the story better and i had a hard time following the dialog but other than that it was really good the first "when she was wandering the world alone and friendless" but i think you could have wrote it better maybe more detail about the world and Emmaline but it was a good story i liked the plot and how it progressed. this would be interesting if you made more of it i would be happy to read it. if you make another one can you tell me?

Kale says...

Thanks for the review. This is just a small part of the story, so I will definitely be writing more. I'll let you know when the next bit is posted.

If you could tell me what made the dialogue hard to follow, that would be great.

As for the lack of details, that's deliberate. I'm telling Emmaline's story in the style of the old tales, and those didn't have much detail at all. There will be descriptions of the characters later on though, when those descriptions become important.

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In which Emmaline first pretends

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