Heya Kyllorac, pretzelsing here for a review of the next part of your story. Let's begin, shall we?
In time, Rothur rose among the ranks to become the first King’s Steward, and in time, the king saw fit to grant Rothur a great boon:
I would really like to know, what span or lapse of time did this occur? I assume a longer time because the long needed to trust Rothur enough to give him that strong power, which no one else possessed.And what exactly position is a steward.Care to explain,Kyllorac?
giving to Rothur his greatest favor.
The king was giving himself the greatest favor or was he giving Rothur the greatest favor? How you worded it makes it sound like he gave his favor to Rothur.Do you see what I mean,Kyllorac?
And all was well within the land until the king died
I personally think that you could make this much more epic and bring a little bit of emotion. The Royal Majesty just died, this should be flashing headlines. How did Rothur feel? How did the commoners feel? How exactly did the King die?What reason:?:
All that had been fair became foul, and all that had been foul became fouler, and all in the land despaired for,
Okay so here, I didn't really understand what you meant by the phrase:and all in the land despaired for. Are you trying to say that the land was in despair? But isn't despair only a human emotion? Just something to think about,Kyllorac.
yet Rothur never stopped seeking one who could lift the curse for he knew of lands beyond this one, and so he waited for another to find the land as he once had.
You could really build some anticipation here and again show us how desperate/dedicated he was, or how he searched for this person for an extreeeeemely long time,or how he felt when he first saw Emmaline. Then it builds up kind of and then we realize that there is relief.
"Never fear, the Princess Emmaline is here" (I just had to say that )
All this, Rothur told Emmaline as she rode upon his shoulder.
I really like this last sentence but it really still doesn't give us any setting. Throughout this whole story,even though this is a flashback, and I honestly see very poor-quality setting. Although I do like the story and what happened, I would really suggest that you work on your setting.
Here are just a couple of things to consider:
1. World-building is fun! Be creative and ready to explore your world. Tell us what it's about and what animals/creatures inhabit it? Are there flying monkeys, running pandas, dinosaurs? And then what is the landscape?
2.Here is an article that I found helpful: Scenery Descriptions
Anyways, to sum that up, write settings that you know how they look like, because then it's easier for you as a writer to base your description(even if vague) off of that.You can describe a place that you have been to. Or another tip in that article is to base a place off of your calendar wall picture
Another thing, through this whole story, how is it possible that Emmaline stays silent? . Doesn't she interrupt,cough,reply,ask any questions,etc.She's a human with reactions,facial expressions,feelings,emotions,voiced thoughts,etc. Think about a real little child that is listening to a bedtime story. They don't just stay silent,do they? They are just children and they will interrupt and ask questions. That's normal, Kyllorac.
I honestly have a looooot of questions, the biggest one being:why? in so many places in this section of your story.But I think that they will be answered in later chapters plus I didn't want to ramble
Anyways, that's it from me, I hope that this review helps improve your writing and remember to check out that link. PM me with any questions that you have.Always keep on writing!
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Reviews: 346
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