z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

In which Rothur reveals the curse

by Kale


This story is being written and posted in whatever order I write it in. Wondering why?

Visit this thread for more information.

- - -

Rothur had once been a great stag. His antlers once branched like a graceful wisteria, his withers once rose as tall as a man, and his legs once lent him unmatched speed over all the many lands he traveled. When he first came to the strange land, the king of the time had been so moved by Rothur’s grace and grandness of bearing that he had seen fit to entertain Rothur at his court, giving to Rothur his greatest favor.

In time, Rothur rose among the ranks to become the first King’s Steward, and in time, the king saw fit to grant Rothur a great boon: the power of transformation.

Until that time, of all the creatures in the land, only the king possessed such a power, for the king was tasked with ensuring the changing of seasons, the passing of time, and the diversity of creatures. However, his other duties were many, and so the king saw fit to grant his most trusted companion with the power of transformation, so that the King’s Steward might aid him in averting the accursed Stagnation.

And so Rothur gained the ability to change the seasons, to direct the passing of time, and to transform the shapes and natures of all the creatures in the land. And so Rothur used the power of transformation to fulfill his new duties, and he fulfilled his duties well.

And all was well within the land until the king died and the prince failed to receive his duties, for on that day, the seasons perished, time halted, the creatures twisted, and the land warped in the face of the accursed Stagnation. All that had been fair became foul, and all that had been foul became fouler, and all in the land despaired for, without a king to serve, even the King’s Steward had lost the power of transformation, and there were none left in the land who could undo the Stagnation.

And so Rothur left the shattered court to wander, his once grand figure half beastly and half rotten, and he searched for one who could lift the curse that was the Stagnation from the land. But there were none in the land with the power of transformation, and there were none in the land able to leave, and yet Rothur never stopped seeking one who could lift the curse for he knew of lands beyond this one, and so he waited for another to find the land as he once had.

All this, Rothur told Emmaline as she rode upon his shoulder.


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Sun Mar 22, 2015 12:19 am
Pretzelstick wrote a review...



Heya Kyllorac, pretzelsing here for a review of the next part of your story. Let's begin, shall we?

In time, Rothur rose among the ranks to become the first King’s Steward, and in time, the king saw fit to grant Rothur a great boon:


I would really like to know, what span or lapse of time did this occur? I assume a longer time because the long needed to trust Rothur enough to give him that strong power, which no one else possessed.And what exactly position is a steward.Care to explain,Kyllorac?

giving to Rothur his greatest favor.


The king was giving himself the greatest favor or was he giving Rothur the greatest favor? How you worded it makes it sound like he gave his favor to Rothur.Do you see what I mean,Kyllorac?

And all was well within the land until the king died


I personally think that you could make this much more epic and bring a little bit of emotion. The Royal Majesty just died, this should be flashing headlines. How did Rothur feel? How did the commoners feel? How exactly did the King die?What reason:?:

All that had been fair became foul, and all that had been foul became fouler, and all in the land despaired for,


Okay so here, I didn't really understand what you meant by the phrase:and all in the land despaired for. Are you trying to say that the land was in despair? But isn't despair only a human emotion? Just something to think about,Kyllorac.

yet Rothur never stopped seeking one who could lift the curse for he knew of lands beyond this one, and so he waited for another to find the land as he once had.


You could really build some anticipation here and again show us how desperate/dedicated he was, or how he searched for this person for an extreeeeemely long time,or how he felt when he first saw Emmaline. Then it builds up kind of and then we realize that there is relief.
"Never fear, the Princess Emmaline is here" (I just had to say that ;))

All this, Rothur told Emmaline as she rode upon his shoulder.


I really like this last sentence but it really still doesn't give us any setting. Throughout this whole story,even though this is a flashback, and I honestly see very poor-quality setting. Although I do like the story and what happened, I would really suggest that you work on your setting.
Here are just a couple of things to consider:
1. World-building is fun! Be creative and ready to explore your world. Tell us what it's about and what animals/creatures inhabit it? Are there flying monkeys, running pandas, dinosaurs? And then what is the landscape?
2.Here is an article that I found helpful: Scenery Descriptions
Anyways, to sum that up, write settings that you know how they look like, because then it's easier for you as a writer to base your description(even if vague) off of that.You can describe a place that you have been to. Or another tip in that article is to base a place off of your calendar wall pictureI memorize my calendar landscape picture since I stare at it all the time;)

Another thing, through this whole story, how is it possible that Emmaline stays silent? :shock:. Doesn't she interrupt,cough,reply,ask any questions,etc.She's a human with reactions,facial expressions,feelings,emotions,voiced thoughts,etc. Think about a real little child that is listening to a bedtime story. They don't just stay silent,do they? They are just children and they will interrupt and ask questions. That's normal, Kyllorac. :)

I honestly have a looooot of questions, the biggest one being:why? in so many places in this section of your story.But I think that they will be answered in later chapters plus I didn't want to ramble :o

Anyways, that's it from me, I hope that this review helps improve your writing and remember to check out that link. PM me with any questions that you have.Always keep on writing!

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Wed Feb 25, 2015 3:54 pm
LadySpark says...



I'm pretty sure you're meant to write children's stories.

(I will review this later I promise).




pretzelsing says...


Ping! Reminding to to review this ( I saw this comment)



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Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:55 am
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Purnima wrote a review...



Hi there! Happy review day. :D

Ok, first off, I know this is probably just a small chunk from somewhere within your total story but I like how you've written it in a way that it's understandable and can be it's own standalone piece. I mean, yeah there are places where I'd like to know more about what's going on, but considering that this is about Rothur's story, you've done great justice to it and it leaves me intrigued and wanting to read more.

I love your descriptions in this. They aren't overdone and it flows smoothly in their simplicity but at the same time, are enough to paint a picture of the events that happen and arouse interest within the reader.

I'm extremely curious about the world you've created here. There are definite hints to certain things which I would love to understand better. For instance, what other powers does the king possess? How did he get these powers? How did he grant Rothur the power of transformation? What kind of creatures are present in the land and what creatures are the king and prince? And what's the significance of this Stagnation?

Those are some questions that definitely arise from this short piece but they didn't throw me off. Rather, my curiosity is aroused. You've done a great job writing this and I'm just going to head over to the thread you've linked to in the beginning to see if my questions will be answered.

I really like your writing, and sorry for this rambling, all-over-the-place review! :D




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Wed Feb 18, 2015 4:13 am
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Rubric wrote a review...



This will be a short one, since there's very little to pick apart.

Generally, I enjoy the piece. It's approachable for a younger audience, well paced, and gives narrative exposition in an engaging way.

Specifically:

"for the king was tasked with ensuring the changing of seasons, the passing of time, and the diversity of creatures."
This reader asks "tasked by who", but given the tone of the piece, that answer isn't strictly necessary. I like that the powers actually match the task.

"and the prince failed to receive his duties"
This phrasing is a little unclear for such a momentous event. Did things go bad because the Prince didn't pick up the royal sceptre or something, or did he fail to pick up the royal thingamabob because things went bad? I guess The Unfortunate History doesn't have to be crystal clear in one sitting, and if there are going to be surprises, it will probably relate to what went bad to begin with,

"who could lift the curse that was the Stagnation from the land"
This isn't incorrectly phrased, but seems a little clunky, particularly "the curse that was the stagnation", since you've already discussed the curse and the stagnation. Also, is stagnation a little too obvious? It doesn't seem to describe what actually happened to the land, which was a quick and violent change, but what the curse might be your metaphor for. In that sense, Stagnation isn't really characterised in the story as the opposite to the power of transformation, given it isn't a gradual decline, but a swift one.

Any questions or comments, find me via PM or on my wall.

Cheers.





Well, if I can't get this chapter to work....at least I will have exercised my fingers.
— Kaia