Positive Passions

The joy in my heart,
Is like a berry fruit tart.
This is not bad. Combined with the jelly moon pie one, you have a nice, delicious, sweet love poem. I actually would say get rid of all of them except for this one and the jelly moon pie one and then maybe add one more cooking simile and you could have a cute little sweet poem.


The spit in my soul,
Is like a wave of warmly goal.
Spit in your soul? Warmly goal? What? These don't make sense and don't fit the theme of love. It confuses your reader. Get rid of it.


The sift of my skin,
Is like my shredded winner's fin.
The first line is okay, though if this is a love poem, I'd suggest changing "my" to "your," but the second line is not okay. It's forced, "shredded" doesn't fit with the tone, and what the heck is a "winner's fin" anyway? If you can find something else to rhyme with skin and not be forced, you can keep the first line, but otherwise... eh. (also shredded and skin just makes me think of replacing shredded mozzarella cheese with skin. yech.)


The glow in my eye,
Is like a jelly moon pie.
I've already stated my approval for this.


The emblem of my sense,
Is like a tower of mighty lens.
"A tower of mighty lens" doesn't make sense, and lens should be pluralized to lenses anyway. What is an emblem of someone's sense anyway? Nothing here makes sense, and it doesn't even rhyme that well. Delete.


The hood of my leisure,
Is the basket of every pleasure.
This almost works, but what the heck is a "hood of leisure?" I'd rethink this or delete it.


The map of my mind,
Is every one's quiet find.
every one should probably be everyone. This doesn't make sense in the poem, but it sort of makes sense if the poem was about something else. This is close to being right. It just needs tweaking in some direction or another. How can you make this about love?


The dusk and the dawn,
Is like a dreary little fawn.
This is also almost right, but "dreary" means sad. That doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the poem. Maybe a sleepy little fawn? Also, One thing that's been bugging me about all of these: you introduce the simile, and then you move on. You don't explain how it is like the thing. That works for some things, like the pastry ones I liked so much, but for this? HOW is the dusk and dawn like a fawn? I can't even imagine. These sorts of things need to be explained.


The nature and the sky,
Is like a big bowl of hi.
"A big bowl of hi?" What? What is "hi?" This is almost okay but you need a different word to rhyme with sky. There are tons of them. Look up "rhymes with sky" or something and see what pops up. Also "the nature" sounds wrong. I'd vote for something like "the clouds and the sky" or "the stars and the sky" or even "the sea and the sky."


The ocean and the sea,
Is like a quiet little epiphany.
The second line has too many syllables to fit with the rhythm. You could say "the ocean and the sea/ is a quiet epiphany" and that would work, but you can't really say "is like a quiet little." This is actually okay too though, aside from the rhythm thing.


The universe of knowledge,
Is like a sweet little college.
This is also almost right but it just doesn't fit. I never think of either colleges or universes as "sweet" and "little" more like "grand" and "intimidating." But those words don't really fit your tone.

And here I am at last,
Poised to remove the mask.
So suddenly there's a change. What mask? And why are we removing it? And why doesn't this rhyme like everything else? Otherwise, if you tweak the story to make this make sense, it could work.


Of the yin and the zing,
Ready to sing a ding!
Makes no sense. Delete.


Speak Latin and Greek,
And I'll give you a strawberry crepe.
Doesn't rhyme, doesn't make sense, (although I do like the pastry thing again haha). delete.

So I ask you with coy-
"Will you shower with thy joy?"
What? Delete.

Thus let us join hands,
And dance unto the lands
This is okay, but suddenly you became all old-style of speaking with thy and thee and "unto" and "thus". I say just change it to say "So let us join hands, and dance to the lands." Although this isn't quite right either. What lands? You need to explain more things in here without it being awkward rhyming.

For the rising of the sun,
Shines the lantern of thee fun.
"thee fun" doesn't fit, but everything else does. If you can find some other word to rhyme with sun that makes sense, go for it, but good luck with that.