z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Painted: 1.0.1

by Kaila


Part 1: Pictor Terra

Chapter 1

The large house hadn't changed much in those six years, and neither had the people. Kassi had aged, and now she was taller and her hair was longer. Now she lay in peaceful blackness--not the type that creeps in on you or hides monsters underneath the dresser, but the heavy sort of type that sits calmly around you. It was the type of blackness that made you sleepy.

Although her room was familiar and her bed warm, she couldn't seem to fall asleep. Thoughts crowded her head. She thought of sitting in the lunchroom, eating her sandwich all alone; she thought of the painting that she worked on for hours a day, but that still wouldn’t come together; she thought of her mother, who kept all her promises, but made them rarely; she thought of Jame: his hands, his laugh, and his friendship. All her thoughts kept circling back to those three things about Jame.

There were only a couple of things that freed Kassi from insecurity: her mother (but she was only around occasionally), painting (but that had been less and less satisfying lately), and Jame. Jame invoked a different kind of awkwardness--a sweet awkwardness that was only there since the shell of normal awkwardness was forgotten.

Kassi rolled over and sighed. With the thought of Jame near her heart, sleep muffled her conscience.

* * * * *

Sila was home when Kassi woke up in the morning. She was making her usual ruckus in the kitchen, dancing about with various frying pans and muffin tins.

“Morning,” Kassi mumbled as she shuffled into the kitchen.

Sila looked up briefly at her daughter and smiled. “Morning, sweetheart. Sleep well?”

“Yeah.”

Kassi slowly scooted up onto her stool. A timer beeped, making her jump. Sila was over at the oven, opening it and fanning the steam that billowed out of it all around the kitchen.

“Say good morning to your dutch baby!” Sila exclaimed and whirled Kassi’s plate over towards her. On it was a half-baked muffin of a thing apparently called a dutch baby. It was probably french. Sila had had a strange obsession with french food lately, so that Kassi always knew she was home when the smell of freshly baked pastries wafted over to her bedroom.

Kassi sniffed in the sweet scent of her breakfast and sighed; it smelled like home. She picked up her fork and made as if to cut off a piece of the dutch baby, but Sila put out her hand and stopped her.

“Wait just a minute. It’s not quite ready yet...” Sila said and reached over to open a drawer.

“Oh, right.” Kassi smiled. “You’ve got to add the ruby!”

“Of course,” Sila said and drew a bottle of sparkling red powder out from the drawer. It was ground ruby particles, homemade by Sila, who insisted they be eaten as a topping to every meal but did not seem to be able to find them in the grocery store (such an outrage).

Sila lovingly unscrewed the top to the small glass bottle and took out a pinch of the powder. She sprinkled it on Kassi’s dutch baby and stood back to admire the shimmering effect.

“You can never forget your ruby,” Sila said as she re-screwed the cap. Kassi joined in, and together they chanted, “It adds 77% nutritional value!”

Kassi laughed a little to herself and cut off a piece of the dutch baby.

Her mother really did seem to think that ruby added (77%) nutritional value to a meal, so Kassi went along with it, even though it seemed that nobody else in the world did it... nobody else, that was, except Jame. His family had the same tradition. But of course, Kassi’s mother and Jame’s mother had known each other all the way back into foggy history, so perhaps one of them had transferred the tradition to the other.

Kassi moved the buttery muffin around in her mouth and recalled how she and Jame had first met: through their mothers. No, Viata and Sila weren't friends; they knew each other better than that. They hosted a more complex relationship. Theirs was a mix of caring too much about each other and knowing too much about each other to properly protect them in their conscience (and it seemed they did—Viata was always quite annoyingly referencing “what Kassi didn’t know” about Sila).

The clank of a plate on the counter signaled that Sila was sitting down next to Kassi.

They ate in silence. When Kassi was done, Sila stood and took both their plates over to the sink. The tap turned on and water crashed onto the dirty dishes.

After a moment, Sila turned the water down to a drip. “I should tell you, honey...”

Kassi knew what it was. Her mom had to leave again.

“I’ve been asked to go on another work trip," Sila continued, verifying Kassi's assumption. "I’m really sorry, sweetheart, but I have to go.”

Kassi sighed. Her mom had only just gotten back after a week away, and who knew how long this next one would be. There were never designated times, and often Kassi would be alone in the house for a while. Once, it had been three whole weeks. That wasn’t so long ago. Sila had been leaving more and more often these days.

It wasn't right that Sila left Kassi all alone; Kassi knew that. Sometimes it made her angry, sometimes so angry that she almost felt like reporting Sila.

Almost.

But even after these mistreatments, Sila was her mother, and she had her own little corner in Kassi's heart. And, even though they were few, Kassi loved the moments they had together. She loved them so much that she couldn't bear to lose them.

“I really am sorry, Kassi,” Sila said.

Kassi looked up. Her mother had tears welling in her eyes and a lump rose in Kassi’s own throat in response.

“Mom, please don’t worry about me,” she assured and got up from her stool to hug her mother.

In the background, the water dripped slowly onto the plates.

“But I feel terrible,” Sila cried into her daughter’s shoulder. Sometimes it felt like their roles were reversed. "You're a teenager; you should have more support from me."

“Really, Mom.” Kassi was getting slightly annoyed. She didn’t like the idea that she couldn’t take care of herself. For god’s sake, she had practically been independent since she was six!

“Well, I thought I owed you something,” Sila said timidly and drew back out of Kassi’s arms. “So I got you this.”

From her back jeans pocket, Sila pulled a small giftwrapped box. Confused, Kassi took it from her hands and unwrapped it. Inside was a tiny black box.

“I hope you like it,” Sila burst out a little too soon.

Kassi felt around the box for a moment and found a hold. She popped it open and blinked. Inside, a small red stone glinted. It was ruby, suspended on the thinnest golden chain. Beautiful.

“It’s a smaller version of mine.” Sila reached inside her blouse and pulled out her own ruby necklace. It was a bit larger than the one she had given Kassi, a bit more regal. “I had it custom made for you to match mine,” she explained.

Kassi looked down at the necklace again and, at a loss for words to return to her mother, she pulled it from its casing and latched it at the back of her neck. It fit perfectly.

The first thing that came to Kassi’s mind was that such a piece must've been awfully expensive; it was custom made with ruby, which was a very expensive stone. She couldn't help think that maybe, if Sila hadn't bought it, or any of their fancy furniture, or any of the antique paintings on the walls... then maybe she wouldn’t need to go on this work trip. But Kassi kept her thought silent, for she knew that her mother’s job had less to do with earning money and more to do with something else.

“Thank you, mom,” Kassi said simply, then added, “It’s beautiful. Really.”

They stood there for a moment, both holding their necklaces in their hands.

After a moment, Sila said, “I’d better go and get my things.”

Sila shuffled out of the room to her quarters. She would not pack, because she left so often that she never unpacked in the first place. She had been toting the same bag away and back again without once changing its contents since Kassi could remember. The funny thing was that it wasn't a large bag, and sometimes Sila would need more than it could contain. Because of this, Kassi had a theory that Sila went to the same place time and time again—a place where she had a stash of other clothing.

Sila reentered the kitchen and placed a kiss on Kassi’s forehead before heading for the door.

“Stay out of trouble. Okay, honey?”

“I always do.” Kassi sighed. Although she was in no hurry to find herself in trouble, Kassi couldn’t help but wish that there was something exciting in her life.

Sila still lingered. “Ask Viata if you need anything, okay?”

Kassi smiled at the thought of Viata, Jame's mother, and (for all practical purposes) hers as well. “I will."

“Good. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

Sila opened the door and made as if to step out, then paused and stuck her head back in.

“I love you, sweetheart.”

Kassi looked up from the necklace and smiled at her mother.

“I love you, too,” she reminded. When Sila closed the door there was a smile on her face.


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Sun Feb 28, 2016 3:16 pm
HolographicLadybug wrote a review...



#104E8B "> :D :D :D :D :D This review is brought to you by #104E8B ! Happy Review Day! :D :D :D :D :D

~Other Bits~

But even after these mistreatments, Sila was her mother, and Kassi loved her. And, even though they were few, Kassi loved the moments they had together. She loved them so much that she couldn't bear to lose them.

I feel like maybe you use "loved" a bit too much here. I'm not sure if you did it on purpose, just for effect, but I think that maybe using different words here like "adored" or "fondness".

Something else I wanted to mention was Jame. So far, you've mentioned him, but haven't really revealed much about him. I think that he's Kassi's friend, but I'm not too sure. Of course, you're probably keeping it vague for storytelling purposes/to keep the reader hooked, but I'm not quite understanding why I should care about him. I have developed no connection to him, really, so it's hard to understand how Kassi feels about him. Like I've already mentioned, this could be just because you want to keep up some sort of feel of mysetery or something to that effect. That is ok--great, really, because you're not telling us everything on the spot--but I just want you to be aware.

Not a lot seems to happen in this chapter, mainly just character development. However, because it's the first chapter, you can really gain or lose some readers here. If you have a boring chapter right away, most readers will not return, while a patient few will. I'm not saying that his is boring or anything (it isn't), but I'm just warning you that if someone isn't interested in your first chapter, they will not come back. Like I've mentioned, nothing much happens here other than character development, which is good for a story. But still, someone may not be interested and leave.
The solution to this is a bit tricky considering I haven't read what comes next yet, so I'm going to try to keep this as open to possibilities as I can. Ha ha, bear with me. ;)
Maybe have your characters do something interesting that will really stand out from the rest of your chapter. Maybe there's a quirk that your character has. Maybe you could use some interesting backstory (Just be careful about that).

~Good Bits~
So far, I like what you have. Considering how you have classified this as "fantasy" and there are paintings involved, I'm curious as to how those things will play out. Painting seems like a very important part of this, which could be used very creatively. Anyway, that's part of the impression I have so far, so on with the review.

I really like the language you use, especially in the first two paragraphs. The blackness and thoughts description was amazing, not only describing what has been going on, but also setting a mood for your story. There is a lot of emphasis here on showing other than telling, which is amazing. I love it when I come across a writer who can do things like that because it makes for a super interesting read. :)

Another thing I noticed was your characters. From the impression I have gotten so far, you know them very well and display them really well in your writing. This is good because it is possible (and I've seen it before, and not just on YWS) to have a pretty good story idea, but terrible characters. The characters who are bland and have no personality to them whatsoever tend to blend together so you have no idea who is who (one particular book comes to mind). Without good characters, your story will fall flat. You have good characters so far, so a big high-five goes to you.

Suspense/mystery is a thing that you're using very well here. The good thing about suspense is that it keeps your hooked until the very end when used right. You keep this up especially with why Sila is always away and what she does. Well done.

Well that's it from me. I will return because I love what you have so far.
Never stop writing!
#104E8B ">~Holographic Ladybug :)




Kaila says...


Thank you so so so much for this! I can totally understand where you're coming from with your suggestions and I will do my best to incorporate them into my next draft :)

As to the thing about it being mostly character development and not hooking the readers enough: I actually have a prologue that I wrote that I was hoping would mainly function as the hook so that then I could move on and do a little character development stuff. It would probably still be a good idea to add in a couple more intriguing details (as you mentioned) and hook the readers on who Jame is more for the purposes of getting people to keep reading.

Also, thank you for the good stuff, too :D That made me smile!



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Tue Feb 09, 2016 10:46 am
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Apricity wrote a review...



Hey there Kaila, I'm back again for an another review. Most of the points I've mentioned in regards to technical issues have already been mentioned in my previous review, so in this one I'd be mostly commenting on the relationship between the two characters.

I don't remember if I've mentioned this in the previous chapter but seeing that you tend to do it quite a bit, I'll mention it here again. Your dialogue has a tendency to lean towards talking heads, due to the fact that there isn't a lot of tagging or much indication as to how the characters are acting, their manner of articulating the sentence and so on and so forth. Your sentences thus, falls somewhat flat and lifeless.


At the moment, the relationship between Kassi and Sila feels quite inconsistent. There are moments where I wish you would expand on but was cut short, and then there are moments that doesn't quite connect with others so we get a snippet of everything and an in-depth of nothing. Which means, that you'll risk loosing the reader because we have too many things to focus on. Not only so, this also leads to poor character development. In order to develop a character, you need to let them spend an extensive amount of time with the readers. And not always in constant interaction with another character, you will have to portray their thoughts, inner emotions that may contradict what they're physically saying. You have make them bleed a little.

For example, the dutch baby. When someone coins something a specific term, there is usually something sentimental or important with that term. So, I'm very curious to know why they've decided to call a muffin a dutch baby and how it came to be that way. Character development chance, nudge nudge, wink wink. Not only so, this will also give you some chance to provide us with some context. As my literature teacher said, a book without context is not a book at all.

Same with the ruby, is the ruby a sort of powder? Why is it so prominent in their relationship? Sila has a ruby necklace, and she also decided to give Kassi a ruby necklace. Why Ruby, and not Diamond or Sapphire or some other gem? (Also, Ruby isn't the most precious or expensive gem but in Kassi's pov it could be. But you'll have to explain why.) It seems well, somewhat pointless to mention the ruby necklace without explaining the importance of why it's there in the novel.

One more thing with Sila going away all the time, we're still given no clue as to where she is going and whether Kassi is being taken care of by someone else. (I don't know how old Kassi is but if she is underage then Kassi wouldn't be able to live alone). The whole thing with Kassi being so placid with Sila leaving...annoys me a little. Has she never been angry that Sila is away so much, without any reason and without telling where she's going? Has Kassi pieced together the pieces? Who is Viata? You've thrown a lot of information on this chapter and not much of them has been explained to us.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, slow down and give a chance for your characters to show who they are before you throw them into action. I haven't seen Sila or Kassi alone since last chapter. I hope I wasn't too harsh, if you have any questions please feel free to ask me.

-Hir

Image




Kaila says...


Hi again! Thank you for this review; I really appreciate the feedback. I will try and go in and make some edits, especially with the talking heads thing. I reread this and noticed that I do have a tendency to do that. Oops!

I will also try to do some more with the characters to set a better base for character development and explain Kassi's being left alone a little better.

As to your comment about the ruby and about my throwing a lot of information at you--you've probably noticed that my writing style involves throwing a lot of information. This story is going to have a fairly elaborate plot, and trust me that all this information will lead to a conclusion. I can't really explain about the ruby right now because the explanation for that comes in later.

--Kaila



Apricity says...


Hmm I see, with the information thing. Is there any chance that you could spread it over a few chapters or not clump it into one place?



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Mon Feb 08, 2016 3:10 am
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writerkitty wrote a review...



Hi, it's writer12345 again!

This was an interesting chapter. And wow, Kassi's a teenager now. I hope things will get much more interesting as the story moves on. And you introduced a new character named 'Jame'. I can't wait to know more about him as well.

Anyway, I like how you started this chapter by saying that nothing has changed much. As I read on I found out that it's true. Kassi's mother still leads a busy life and often loses the opportunity to be with her daughter. For a moment there I thought she didn't actually love her daughter that much, but after reading the a couple of more paragraphs I found out that sillia had a much tighter bond with her daughter. The was she gave her daughter her 'dutch baby' and the part about the sprinkles really made me realize that Silia was trying to keep her daughter happy. The situation where she handed over the necklace really showed out that she really cared about her daughter. And you really did a good job there! :D

And I think that this chapter was mainly focused on the bond between the Sila and Kassi. So to learn more about what's actually going on, I think I should read the other chapters. (I'm really eager to find out more about that man in the painting!)

Overall this is a great chapter, and I hope you'll keep on writing.

Have a great day! :D




Kaila says...


Thanks for reading again!! Yeah, this chapter was mainly just to reintroduce Kassi and Sila and expand a little on their relationship, so I'm glad it sounds like I did a decent job at it :)

Yeah, I do have one more chapter and will post more soon!! :D




When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.
— Abraham Heschel