z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Painted: 1.0.6

by Kaila


Chapter 6

Twelve chimes from the grandfather clock announced the epitome of the night. Kassi groaned and rolled over under her sweaty sheets. Her consciousness was leaking back, and she realized that she clutched a roll of paper in her hands.

The grandfather clock was at silent at last, and Kassi pulled her arms out from under the covers. She groped for a couple moments with her free hand to find her lamp, then dove back under the blankets when the light burst from the lampshade. Eventually, her eyes adjusted to the brightness. She sat up again, the scroll in her hand. Her eyes skimmed it quickly.

Though something about the verses sounded familiar to Kassi, she couldn't recall where from. Still, they were intriguing, and she wished she could go back to Exspecto to talk to Luk, Kiki, or Trissea about them. Previously, the way she had entered Exspecto had been through her dreams (even though it felt like a clearer reality than the Earth on which she now lay) and so she would enter it again.

Kassi reached up to her lamp and flicked the switch off. The light receded back into the bulb, and Kassi rolled over onto her side, the scroll still clutched in her hand. Her muscles groaned with soreness and tire, and her heavy eyelids slid closed.

* * * * *

Sure enough, when Kassi awoke in her dreams, she found herself pressed uncomfortably against the cold floor of Kiki and Trissea's office. She stood quickly and scanned the room, but she was alone with the huge marble table.

"Hello? Anybody?" Kassi called out. No answer. Why did this keep happening?

Kassi strode across the room and reached for the doorknob, but the door swung open before she could touch it.

Kassi jumped backwards. "Oh!"

Trissea, who had just entered the room, dropped the stack of papers that she had been carrying.

"Kassi!" she exclaimed.

"Hello," Kassi said awkwardly.

"I'm so glad you came back." Trissea tucked some of her white-blonde hair behind her ear and bent to pick up the papers. Kassi joined her.

"Kiki is busy at the moment, but I will call for her. Here, put these on the table." Trissea deposited the papers into Kassi's arms and strode over to the door, where there was a small bellpull. She pulled it, and the ring reverberated through the room.

"Trissea?" Kassi asked from across the room.

"Yes?" Trissea left the bellpull and came back over to the table. Her hair fell forward and curtained her eyes as she flipped through the papers.

"When I... disappeared," Kassi started. "I woke up in my bed at home. I had a scroll in my hand--a prophecy."

Trissea sighed and looked up at Kassi. "And you want to know about it?"

"Well, yes, but I was actually going to ask about something else."

"Oh?"

"I was only in my bed for ten minutes before I fell back asleep again and woke up here. But when I woke up, you were all gone, and I was alone. And now you have all these papers, and you're dressed differently," Kassi gestured to Trissea's gauzy blue gown.

"You're smart, you know," Trissea noted before answering. "The answer is this: time works differently in Exspecto—that's where we are now—than it does in Pictor, er, Earth."

Kassi closed her eyes and breathed deeply. "So we are in a different world then... it's not just a dream?"

"Depends on how you look at it. After all, you get here when you fall asleep... but I don't think that makes us any less real." Trissea smiled at this, and her eyes twinkled in the light. They were a beautiful light blue color, her eyes. It was a color Kassi thought she had never seen before, except in paintings.

There was a knock at the door, and Trissea went to answer it.

"You rang, Miss?"

"I did. Please send a notice to Kiki saying that she has arrived again and to come immediately."

"Yes, Miss."

"Thank you."

Trissea closed the door and returned to the table, where she sat and began looking through the papers again. It seemed that she was making no move to conversation, so Kassi sat next to her and resorted to quite observation.

It appeared that the papers in front of Trissea consisted primarily of hand-drawn maps, and Kassi wondered what they could possibly be of. The occasional writing on them looked to be a mix of cursive and graffiti and was mostly illegible to Kassi.

Almost everything in this place was different than Earth. With each varying detail, the fact sunk in further into Kassi's mind: she was in a different reality. There was the handwriting, of course, but also the paper on which it was written, the clothing people wore, and the way almost everything was made of marble. There was the way the air felt, the way things smelled, and the way it was so peacefully quiet. And, above all, there was the way Kassi felt at home. She'd felt it ever since she'd come the first time, although at first, the feeling had been more of an inkling of confidence and serenity, and had been less defined.

"Trissea?"

"Mmm?"

"What is this place?"

Trissea put down the paper she'd been looking at and tucked her hair behind her ear. "I was waiting for you to ask that. Will you walk with me? I have to deliver some of these revised papers to Erko."

Kassi nodded. "Who is Erko, anyways?"

"He's part of the rebellion," Trissea said simply. She walked over to the door and held it open for Kassi.

"Are you part of the rebellion, too?" Kassi asked as they set off down the hall.

Trissea nodded. "Me, Kiki, Erko, Luk... we're all part of it."

Kassi decided this was a good place to begin to question Trissea. "What are you rebelling against, if you don't mind my asking?"

"I think," Trissea said slowly, "that I ought to explain that later. First I want to show you something. We've just got to deliver these," Trissea fingered the papers in her arms, "to Erko's office. We're almost there."

"Okay," Kassi said, glad that she would get some answers.

They stopped at a door that looked like all the others. Trissea knocked three times before turning the rectangular knob. She opened the door a little, peeked inside, and then stepped in, gesturing for Kassi to follow.

Inside, Erko sat at an angular desk, scribbling away at some papers with something Kassi thought must've been a writing utensil, but couldn't have been sure. When he heard their footsteps, he looked up and stood to take the papers from Trissea.

"Thanks for bringing these, Triss," he said. As he lifted them from her arms, his eyes caught a glimpse of Kassi lingering behind Trissea. His face became serious.

The room was suddenly solemn and still. Erko stood there, the papers half in his arms and half in Trissea’s, his eyes unblinkingly scanning Kassi’s face—her fiery hair, her lips, her nose, her dotted freckles, her furrowed brows, her bright green eyes.

At last he unfroze and moved to put the papers on his desk. When he turned back towards Trissea, his face was normal again, and he did not meet Kassi’s eyes.

"Alright, then," he said. "I'll see you later."

Trissea smiled weakly and turned, taking Kassi’s hand on the way out.

After a couple of moments, Trissea said, "We're almost to the place I wanted to show you."

They rounded a corner and stopped abruptly. A small marble door stood humbly in front of them. Framing it were two coat racks hung to their limit in an eternal amount of gossamer fabric.

“Here,” Trissea reached out and pulled an emerald swath from the left rack. “Its an advelo. It’s like a cape."

Trissea took a light blue one for herself and wrapped it around her shoulders, tying it in the front. Kassi tried to mimic her, but couldn’t find any corners to tie. Trissea sighed and reached out, tying it for her in a swift second.

“Now put up the hood,” she instructed, and the two girls pulled the excess fabric over their foreheads.

“They disguise us,” Trissea said shortly. Then, before Kassi could ask any more questions, she reached out to the rectangular doorknob, turned it three times, and pushed it open into the eerie light of day.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
494 Reviews


Points: 0
Reviews: 494

Donate
Sun May 22, 2016 9:47 pm
Holysocks wrote a review...



Hey Kaila! Let's get this chapter out of the Green Room for ya, shall we?

I thought this was an interesting idea, and you certainly seem to know where you're going with it, which is pretty awesome because I think a lot of people start a novel and then have no idea what they're going to do with the rest of it (I would be included in that lot :P ) I also like how your character's behave somehow. I'm not sure how to explain it, but just kind of how you have them doing things about, they felt quite real to me- let's put it that way.

Am I correct in assuming this is a early piece of this novel? Based on the title, I thought so. but reading this I felt like I had been plunked into a story that had started without me. And how you listed this "1.0.6" I find kind of confusing as well. It's a little bit disorienting because you come into the story thinking it's not too far along and then your writing suggests otherwise. Looking at the side I see that it is pretty far along, but by it's self it's rather confusing.

On to another note, seeing that this is pretty far along. I don't feel any sort of connection to your characters. And it's true that this can be partly due to the fact that I'm jumping in on this, but even so I'm not seeing what I should be seeing for how the character's interact, I don't have any sort of feel for the MC- they're just people. Give me a reason to eavesdrop on them. Because right now they're just stranger's with their own problems, and I don't feel like they're opening up to me.

I found the dream bit confusing. Is this all happening in her sleep? You had stars separating the bit between her falling asleep and then her "waking in her dreams" but there's never any ending stars that I can remember, and I don't recall her waking up?- or maybe she did. I think that part would benefit from being a bit clearer. Dreams in novels are generally pretty confusing I find, but if you can make it work, good for you!

I was certainly interested to see what they were rebelling against, and I was shocked when it turned out the MC didn't know either- I guess because I thought it was a big thing that everyone knew about, but soon realized otherwise.

Anyway, I hope you continue to write this! See you around! ^_^

-Socks




User avatar
2631 Reviews


Points: 6235
Reviews: 2631

Donate
Sun May 22, 2016 5:36 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



Hullo! Thought I'd take a look at this since it's the oldest work in the Green Room and deserves a review!

Specifics

1. I'm not sure abut the phrase 'her consciousness was leaking back' - leaking back to where? I kind of get what you're trying to say but it's a little rough and it could be covered much more simply with 'her consciousness was fading' or 'her consciousness was slipping away'.

2.

The grandfather clock was at silent at last, and Kassi pulled her arms out from under the covers. She groped for a couple of moments with her free hand to find her lamp, then dove back under the blankets when the light burst from the lampshade.


3.
Eventually, her eyes adjusted to the brightness. She sat up again, the scroll in her hand. Her eyes skimmed it quickly.
Try to avoid having so many short sentences directly next to each other. It makes the writing feel flat and spoils the tension which would be created by a single one, or possibly two.

4.
Trissea closed the door and returned to the table, where she sat and began looking through the papers again. It seemed that she was making no move to conversation, so Kassi sat next to her and resorted to quite quiet observation.


5.
Inside, Erko sat at an angular desk, scribbling away at some papers with something Kassi thought must've been a writing utensil, but couldn't have been sure. When he heard their footsteps, he looked up and stood to take the papers from Trissea.
What does the utensil look like and what make her think it's for writing? Your description's a little minimal and this is a good place you can pad it out. Does it have feathers, is it a long, thin tube of metal or perhaps a sharpened piece of wood? Your reader doesn't have many details to go on for picturing the scene at the moment anything you can give them will help absorb them into your writing.

Overall

So there's clearly something about Kassi's appearance which startles Erko but then it's not discussed by Trissea or Kassi when they leave the room. It needs to be addressed in some way, even if it's just us seeing Kassi's thoughts or that she feels uncomfortable about how long he stared at her. People generally read a lot into the body language of those around them and telling us how Kassi feels about it will help us understand her character.

I think you've got an interesting theme with the dreaming yourself into another world and the chapter is reasonably smooth though not overly exciting. It would be nice to see the dialogue be a little tighter or to touch on a slightly more personal level- it's currently quite formal ad distant and I don't feel the reader learns much about the characters or gets a strong sense of emotion from any of them. Is Kassi awed by this place? Worried? She currently seems mildly curious but that's not a very strong emotion when finding yourself in a new world!

That's all I have for this chapter but thanks for the read and best of luck with this - it seems like an interesting idea.

~Heather





Hi everyone who clicks on my profile!...Um, not quite sure what else to do here. Yup, definitely new at this! XD
— Magebird