Hey there Kaila. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
Note before I begin my review, I have not read any of the previous chapters for the sake of time. I have a pretty good idea what is going on but still some questions. Also, sorry this chapters had to sit in the Green Room for so long. I'm here to rescue it now.
When Kassi woke up in her bed the next morning, her body ached from sleeplessness.
-At first, I wasn't sure of sleeplessness but I think it does need to be changed. It's just such an odd word and it doesn't fit well with the somewhat informal tone created. Perhaps just go with the definition, lack of sleep.
want to hang out today? she texted Jame.
It took only a few moments for him to respond. sure! do you want to come over to my place now?
yeah! Kassi texted. see u in a few
She wedged the phone in her back pocket, checked her curls in the small mirror that hung on the wall, and then set off.
-I think you just need to play around with the texts a bit and separate them from the other lines. It would be even better if they were in bold or italics.
-I reordered the first text just so you can see what I mean.
She dashed off a quick text to Jame.
Want to hang out today?
See the difference here.
-Even though these are texts and you can use text talk, this is another reason to separate the texts from the actions. That way it doesn't appear as if your writing will be riddled with text talk and slang.
That intro conversation between Jame and Kassi was a bit awkward but I believe that was the purpose. It was just two old friends who hadn't talked for awhile, trying to relax back into the norm. From further reading I found explanations for their hesitance and covering feelings. I might need to read the previous chapters but I'll try and read the remaining chapters. I spotted two more chapters in the green room.
Jame's bedroom hadn't changed much in the years Kassi had known him. His old paintings had been replaced with new ones and the legos were gone, but those were possibly the largest differences. His walls were still the same calming dark blue color, and the beautiful, silhouetted forest landscape that Viata had painted for him remained. The furniture was also mostly the same; a desk had been added three years ago, but that was it.
-'possibly the largest differences' doesn't work right for me because there is doubt is Kassi's thoughts. Like there is some underlying difference that no one wants to talk about but everyone knows is there. If you make it a sure thing, then the mysterious difference can be saved for later and won't be introduced too quickly. I'm guessing you were aiming for more than ten chapters. The underlying ideas sort of rushes the chapter along too quickly. If you wanted the quicker pace, you may still want to remove it to make the final event even more mysterious.
Absentmindedly, Jame's hands began working away at the wood with the pocket knife.
-I really don't think the comma is necessary here. You are starting to describe an action of a character but then we pause. The pause stops thought and then the reader has to start again. Definitely isn't needed.
So the story has a very sweet underlying mood to it. It's obvious Jame cares for Kassi but he doesn't seem to be very good at expressing. That's a pretty normal idea for stories and a little overused. Just be careful when developing the plot further.
Well that's about all I have for today. Sorry if I couldn't offer anymore
Have a nice day.
Lizzy
The Goddess of Math
Points: 650
Reviews: 766
Donate