Prologue
The little red-headed girl sat alone with her paintbrush, with peaceful silence humming around her. Her mother would return soon. But before she did, the girl waited. And as she waited, she would paint.
She would paint because it felt as though painting ran through her bones; she would paint because it kept her going; she would paint because it made her feel as if she wasn’t alone anymore.
So there she sat, on the stool that lifted her to a proper height so that she could reach the canvas, which was colored with the happy tones of her young mind. Her mother's imperfect, yet still beautiful face smiling down at her had a calming effect on her mind... as if she was actually in the room; as if she was not away. The girl had painted on her mother's trademark yellow "kiss the chef!" apron to remind her of those few days when she woke up to steaming pancakes and a house that was no longer empty.
A hinge creaked from outside and immediately the girl's little hand dropped the brush into the jar of water. She darted out the door, her bare feet slapping against the groaning wood floor. “Mommy!”
“I’m home!” Sila cried out to her daughter and opened her arms. The little girl ran into them and snuggled for a moment, then withdrew.
“Come see what I’ve done! I’ve finished!” She pulled her through the halls until they came to her open bedroom door. She toted her mother, who still carried a rolling suitcase, up to the canvas and gestured proudly.
“Wow,” Sila said and smiled. She pushed away some red hair that had fallen into her face and stepped closer. “You’re getting much better.” She picked the little girl up for a kiss. The girl screamed and kicked and giggled, but Sila only continued to swing her around in big circles and kiss her rosy little cheeks. She didn’t put the girl down until the phone rang.
“Duty calls,” the mother said with a sad smile and plopped her somewhat disappointed daughter back on the ground.
"But Mummy..." the girl started, but cut herself off. She knew it was no use. “Duty calls,” she repeated glumly.
“I’ll tell you when the call is done. Then you can help me cook dinner, okay?”
Sila's smile said that it was okay, but they both knew it wasn't.
“Fine,” said the girl at last. The phone still rang incessantly in the background.
The girl knew that dinner would be late tonight.
* * * * *
The aching of hunger had started in the girl's stomach long ago. She knew she was forbidden to disturb her mother while she worked, but what authority did Sila have to tell her rules? Sila's business trips were so frequent that she could barely call herself the girl's mother anymore. The girl's tipping point should've been long ago.
She hopped off the stool and landed lightly on the floor.
The home that belonged to the mother and the daughter was a little cluttered, but not so much so that things couldn’t be found. It was a little creaky, but loved dearly. To the person who didn’t know their way around the corridors, the house could be foreboding. But most people who entered it knew their way. And so the little girl loved her home; she loved the occasional paint splatters on the walls and the paintings that greeted her around every corner.
There was one place, however, that was somewhat unknown to the young girl: a forbidden place. It was the place where her mother went. Of course, the girl knew where the entrance was and how to get to it, but she didn’t know exactly how to go about finding her mother once she had opened the door. The problem was that it wasn’t just one room, but a series.
She walked as quietly as she could through the first room. There was no furniture, but only strange paintings on the walls. The people in these paintings looked weird and shadowed, with their hair done up in odd ways and their clothes hanging around them in strange fashions. They weren’t scary, only unfamiliar.
The girl went through two more rooms of the like before she began to hear her mother’s voice. It came from one or two rooms over, and its whispers carried an underlying urgency.
The girl tiptoed to the doorway from which her mother's voice wafted and peeked through. The room behind the door was different than the one she was standing in. It had been furnished fully in glittering, ruby-inlaid furniture of grandiose but rather queer style. Unlike the other rooms in this labyrinth, this one was crowded and messy; strange golden and ruby objects were strewn about the floor, reflecting a bright red light that came from nowhere. But somehow, the room was still cloaked in shadow.
From inside, Sila’s voice was becoming more urgent. The girl peeked around the corner, and what she saw pushed her heart up in her throat so it became harder to keep a quiet breath.
She could see the red hair of her mother, who sat in a tall-backed, throne-like chair opposite the doorway. It appeared that her mother was looking at a large painting hung directly in front of the chair, depicting a cloaked figure sitting in a dimly lit room.
“Sila, if those rapscallions get what they want... if they manage--” the man's harsh voice made the girl jump. Where had it come from?
“But they won’t manage,” Sila assured her invisible company. “I’ll personally make sure of that."
“You’d better.” the man's voice said.
The girl could have sworn she saw the figure in the painting move slightly.
“I promise.”
In a moment's pause, the girl was sure her breath would be heard. But miraculously, her mother remained fixated on the painting and didn't turn to see her daughter.
“Sila, how can you expect that we’ll be able to keep them under control... with all that’s been happening.”
"What?”
Again, the girl though she saw the figure in the painting shift his weight.
“They'll succeed...” the man's voice continued. “They'll succeed because he wants them to.”
“How could he even know?”
“He knows everything.”
Another silence.
“And he has decided to aid them?”
“Not exactly...”
“What has happened?”
Who on Earth was he? What was her mother talking about? The girl had imagined her mother's job, her calls, and her office for so long that it felt as if she already knew them. Now all of that--all of what she'd tricked herself into thinking was knowledge--was being swept away, replaced anew. The girl squirmed slightly under her sweaty clothes. A floorboard creaked.
Sila’s head whipped around, but her daughter had darted back behind the wall again.
Sila slowly turned back to the painting and hissed, “What has happened?”
“He has made a prophecy. He has put a scroll out by way of the scepter."
"What does it say?"
"That he defies our wishes; the princess will become queen. And worse than that: she will resolve the contract; he has said that she must."
Silence.
"Good Pictor, Sila! Don't you see?" the man hissed. "It's Kassi."
The girl's eyes widened, and she grasped the wall behind her with sweaty palms. What did this--whatever this even was--have anything to do with her?
“He has started the game, but I will not allow him to finish it,” Sila said at last.
Where they still talking about her? the girl wondered. What was all of this?
This time, there could be no mistaking when the figure in the painting moved. He grasped the arms of his chair with bony white fingertips and launched himself into a standing position. He was tall, and he loomed above Sila, who cowered in her chair. Kassi tried to calm her heart, but it was racing like mad.
“No, Sila. There is only one way we can stop him," the man said. It was the man in the painting. "The scepter."
"I didn’t want it to come to this,” Sila said. “Can’t we... can’t we persuade Kassi...?”
“Not now that her fate has been prophesied. We have to use the scepter.”
Sila opened her mouth to retort, but Kassi didn't need to hear another word.
So she ran. She ran as fast as she could away from her fate. She ran, her feet slapping on the wood floors. She ran all the way back to her bedroom, and there she curled up on her bed and took deep breaths until she forgot.
End of chapter
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Hello, Kaila, and happy Review Day. Sunset101 here to review.
For a prologue, I'd say this is off to a great start. It has a few ups and downs - I'd just like to clear out a few improvements here and there that could be made. But before I jump into minor flaws that this may have hidden in it, please know how much I appreciate a decent prologue like this to read.
You actually did somewhat of a good job starting this off. As much as it was good, I'm going to get onto the actual review. Please be aware that these suggestions and ideas may contain minor spelling changes that I just so happened to pass by while reading. And because, I think, you put a lot of time and effort into writing this prologue, my options are limited while critiquing and reviewing this piece. Anyway, I'd like to start with the easiest and most minor changes.
I accidentally read this over wrong, partly because 'were' was misspelled as 'where'.
Also, keep an open mind of adding in italics and such. If someone is thinking something, don't be afraid to use italics to emphasize that character's feelings and emotions of thought.
I believe that at the end of this dialogue there should be a question mark (?). This sentence, however, could be flexible, since it's part question, part statement.
A tip for the future: try not to load the reader with a whole bunch of information at the beginning. It's quite difficult, believe me, to display out the right information at the right times, though. If you leave a handful of (confusing, at the time) ideas and data of your story for the reader, they may lose interest from the cause of too much information. Just something to keep in mind for the future, but I think you did an okay job of that.
I loved the beginning of this prologue. You did a great job of interlocking the subject which you had written and the title, which surprised me as a first. The beginning certainly tied together, in my opinion, the best.
I'd like to hear more about the painting, about the look of the room they were talking in, the scenery, and the characteristics of that room. In that part of this prologue, it was mostly focused on dialogue (which I can understand, it's hard to switch back and forth), but what about the man in the painting? I have to admit, though, your description on the throne Sila was sitting on was superb.
So far, I can see that Kassi is energetic, curious, and likes to paint. Whether one is a flaw or not, I like how strongly you have set up her. I think she will do well in future chapters, which hopefully I will get to.
I would recommend putting apostrophes around he. That way, you can see that you referred to 'he' as a person that someone else was talking about.
As you can see, I only had a few minor recommendations, because you did quite a good job on this prologue, which I think will definitely encourage more readers to continue on with this story. I'd love to see how your characters progress throughout time, and discover new characteristics and personalities that contribute to the plot.
Thank you for writing such a wonderful piece.
~Sunset101
Hey Kaila, Hiraeth here for a review.
I have a tendency to perform this massive lecture whenever I see the word prologue but due to the fact that I haven't read the rest of this novel I can't say if you've written it correctly or not. However, I do suggest to you that you read this article. Prologues are often misused for writers, and it's best to clear up that confusion ASAP.
Anyways, onto the actual review. Because you've divided your chapter into two parts here, I think I'll do the same with my review. Let's kick off with chapter one. In it, you introduce our main protagonist who is an unnamed girl. And then she is reunited with her mother whom she seems to have a very close bond with. I have two main suggestions for this snippet, one is technical.
So our MC likes painting, but what type of painting does she paint? She paints to escape loneliness does this mean that she is alone a lot? I'd like to see her painting something and her thought processes as she paints that something rather than you as the author narrating it to us. So, it boils down to the old show vs tell. Because painting is so dear to your MC, I think you could expand it a bit more and show us why this means so much to her and of course the content of the painting can also reveal something about her personality or background. When you introduce an important aspect such as this, wouldn't it seem pointless if this doesn't tell us more about the character in some ways?
Beware of talking heads here. So this is the other aspect I wish to talk about, which is the interaction between your MC and her mother. The interaction seems too short for me, your MC obviously has been waiting for her mother to return but when her mother leaves. There is no sense of disappointment? No 'mummy, why are you leaving me again?' I also feel that the mother is rather irresponsible too, she just came home and just left with the words 'duty calls?' Here, it calls for some explanation about their daily lives and you could also tell us a bit about more your MC's relationship with her mother? I mean, obviously they are close so I'm expecting a bit more emotion out of that exchange. Dialogues are great opening places for you to show the readers what your characters are really like, make them bleed a little because only then will the readers start connecting themselves to the character.
Alright, let's move onto part two.
Is the ache referring to the hunger or something else? If so, why is there no mention of it anywhere else in the novel? The second part for me, would actually would have worked better as the first part. Because in the second part, you've included the house and the forbidden room (which I think you could also tell us a bit more about). By including the house, you've gave the readers a setting so we know a bit more about where the story is taking place instead of just action-happening-somewhere. I also found it odd that your MC addressed her mother as Sila, because usually children would call their mother or some variation of that.
So here, your MC decides to explore the forbidden rooms and I'm just wondering what her motivation for exploring these rooms are. Because obviously she knew about them before, but yet she has never made an attempt to check them out or try and enter them? So why now, why this time? I know you're writing a story, but there is also a reason behind why this story is happening. So, just have a little think about that.
As noted before, I'd love to see more of this forbidden room. Believe it or not, a description of a room reveals a lot about the room itself. Its importance to the story, what kind of room it is and the way a room has been furnished can also reveal its location, status etc. For example, a room decorated with wooden toys would convey a different meaning to a room that was decorated with elaborately carved toys decorated with gold. So this forbidden room has been furnished in the style of a royal family, or at least a family with a substantial amount of family.
The last part of the story is the part where I have the most problem with actually. The plot escalated too quickly there and the readers was not given enough time to process every thing. And if this information is something private and sensitive, wouldn't it make more sense for Sila to go to a place where she knows no one can spy on them. And why didn't she close the door? She heard a creak and she still didn't close the door?
There is talk of a rebellion, a prophesy and a game? And I'm overwhelmed, what rebellion, what prophesy, what is going on here?
One minute we're talking about paintings and forbidden rooms, and the next we suddenly have a rebellion and a prophesy!? You can see where I'm going with this, the introduction of said rebellion was too sudden and abrupt. You don't necessarily have to make it obvious that it was a rebellion, you can hint at unrest or other things without spelling it outloud. Suspense isn't bad, but too much suspense will cause you to lose the reader. Avoid packing too much information in one chapter if you can, especially when you can't explain those information.
The dialogue here borders on talking heads, Sila and the mysterious man is just firing questions and answers back at each other without much emotion. Which in turn, makes the dialogue flat. Take a look at the article, it'll help.
Who the heck is Kassi?
I have trouble connecting to Sila for this reason. She started out as strong, but in a swift amount of time with no transition and good reason. She has suddenly backed down and she's whimpering like a small kid again (which destroyed my strong image of her earlier). It's important to have a concrete character early on in the novel otherwsie your readers won't know where to attach their sentiments to.
What is this scepter?
I'm bursting with questions by the end of this.
And that brings me to the end of this review, I'm sorry if this was too harsh I don't mean it so. This piece is interesting, and the talk of a prophesy is always good stuff. If you have any questions regarding this review, or just wanna test ideas out. Don't hesitate to ask me.
Cheers.
-Hir
Okay! Thanks so much! I can definitely see where you're coming from with your suggestions, and I'll do the best I can to use them--especially the stuff about the scene changing too quickly, since that's something I was sort of feeling myself.
I love it! I was searching for something to read and I chose this one because of the title. I read about one chapter and stop if I don't like a story. But this one is amazing. And it's pretty interesting too.
good job!

Your descriptions were good; especially about the house. I manage to created a mind picture of it. And the plot. I'm excited already. Usually first chapters are pretty boring. But you managed to draw the reader into your story and keep the reader hooked up to it until the end.
And my only suggestion is, it's better if you can tell the reader the people's appearance as well. Then the reader can have a better idea about them
Overall this is a great chapter and I'm really excited to read the next one.
Good luck and keep writing!!!
Thank you so much!!
I hope you keep reading!
You're welcome and I sure will!!