Authors Note::: So this is part/chapter 5 of my story taken, feel free to review it even if you haven't read the other parts, and if you like it, go check out the full story so far.
(Previously on Taken 😎: A mysterious guy named Torrin kidnaps the MC(Aurelia) and takes her onto a boat in the middle of nowhere. Trying to figure out a way out, Lia has several arguments with her captor. On one of such occasions, Torrin reveals there is a secret in which he cannot speak of. After their argument, Lia storms off to her bedroom to fume when suddenly a stab in her head makes the boat disappear and is found in a strange world. What will happen next? Check it out (:
I scrambled into a fighting stance, turning my head around surveying the foreign area. The walls were a dingy blue, almost grey and I stared at them, trying to figure out where I had seen them before.
There were little lampshades on the sides of the walls casting shadows. It had a creepy glow to the room. I took a tentative step towards the end of the hallway. Maybe this had happened for a reason. Maybe now I could escape from the boat horror and go back to my family.
A head popped around the corner of the hall suddenly, and I nearly jumped out of my skin. I closed my eyes preparing for someone to grab my hands and put a knife to my throat or hurt me.
After a few seconds, when nothing happened, I slowly opened my eyes. It was a guy with brown eyes and ruffled golden hair. He looked vaguely familiar, and I racked my brain for any memory with him in it.
He stood there smirking the whole time, not moving a muscle since he had popped around the corner.
“May I ask what your name is?” I asked hoarsely. I wasn’t sure what was going on, but it would be better if I had a name for this figure.
He smiled lopsidedly and said, “Rowan. Rowan Sullivan.”
I got a sense of De Ja’ Vu and my head throbbed like I had been punched. I gasped and crouched down into a little ball. What was happening to me?
I looked up thinking to ask Rowan for answers, but his eyes were looking across from him as if I had still been standing. He didn’t seem to notice that I was curled up with my back to the wall, hugging me knees.
"Aurelia, you need to understand right now that we are not going to harm you in any way.” He said, still not taking his eyes off the spot that I was standing in moments ago. I heard running footsteps thumping from the left side, and I turned my head in time to see Torrin burst around it.
Yes, Torrin. The very same Torrin that had kidnapped me, his green eyes shining with worry. He looked a bit younger but had the same little scar on his nose.
“He is lying Aurelia, don’t listen to him.” Torrin growled out.
I had never seen him like this before. He seemed so angry, and it was a completely different mask than what I had been allowed to see in my time with him.
I noticed then that Torrin also looked at the spot where I was last standing. Out of curiosity, I got up, still with my back against the wall. It felt right, standing there with the two boy’s eyes on me, but something was definitely off.
“H-Hello?” I stammered, hoping one of them laughed and admitted this was all just a joke.
None such luck came to me as the argument between Torrin and the stranger named Rowan continued to escalate.
“You are not wanted here Rowan. Go back to your leader and follow orders like a good puppy,” Torrin gritted out, green eyes blazing.
“Oh, but I am obeying my master little brother. She needs to know the truth before her world falls apart,“ Rowan said, with a smirk on his face.
Little brother! I gasped. They looked nothing alike. I would have guessed that they were once best friends. I looked back and forth between the two. I supposed I could see the similarities now that I knew.
Both had the same face shape and accents, but Torrin’s eyes remained a glittering seaweed green, and Rowans were a dark brown. Although, if I looked closely enough, they had a golden edge around them.
A little twinge in my head reminded me of the circumstances and I brought my focus back to the situation at hand.
Again, I had a vague sense of familiarity with these words, so instead of trying to figure out what was going on, I leaned my head against the wall and let my instincts guide me.
Rowan, who was staring intensely into my eyes, said to me, “Lia, come with me. I can show you everything you need to know. I can give you the world and so much more. I will help you fulfil the destiny that was set for you. “
I was about to open my mouth and answer, tell me how you know me and I will go anywhere with you. Give me the answers I need, and I will promise you anything, but something stopped me from spilling out my thoughts.
Instead, I said carefully, “What makes you think that you can control destiny? What if going through with Torrin’s plan is the right thing to do?”
Torrin suddenly pushed his brother to the side and got right in my face. “Finally, someone who understands truth when she hears it, “he said.
My head throbs again, but I am starting to understand what this is. It is a memory. A memory that was buried a long time ago, for whatever reason, it is now coming back to me.
“Torrin, let it go. You guys argue so much for being brothers. You wouldn’t even be able to survive if it was life or death and you had to cooperate with him. In fact, I feel like you would purposely let him jump over a cliff even if you knew how to stop destiny,” I said pushing him over gently to the side.
My hands went right through his body, and as I watched it flickered a little. But even so, he still stumbled as if I had really pushed him.
Rowan grinned and said to me, “Come on darling, let’s get you to the flight pod.”
I tentatively took his hand which was outstretched to me. He pulled me towards to right side of the hallway but called back over his shoulder, “Oh and I always win brother dear.”
I nearly rolled my eyes at the statement, and just as we were about to turn out of the corridor, I ran smack into a wall.
I gasped and clutched my body as pain swept over me. Just as suddenly as the memory had appeared, it vanished, leaving me standing back in the long brown hallways of the boat.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,742 Reviews
Hi there KaeRae! Lim here with a review.
I’ve only read the summary you’ve provided at the beginning of the chapter, but even then this looks like an interesting development to the story. Lia seems to have some repressed or forgotten memories, and perhaps Torrin kidnapping her also has some explanation related to these past events. I’m still rooting for Lia to escape and get off that boat - but I’d imagine she would also seek answers from Torrin, now that she’s had this hint.
Something I like about your writing is how you presented the memory.
I could tell from this part that Rowan probably wasn’t ‘really there’, that perhaps he was a vision or hologram of some sort. This detail helps keep me engaged with the scene and makes me eager to see what else we find out about this strange vision.
You also regularly describe how Lia is reacting to these parts of her memory cropping up, and that helps make the scene feel more believable and vivid. I also felt more engaged with it because I was engaged with the main character’s emotions.
Something you might want to expand on is the setting and character descriptions. You describe the setting a little bit in the first part, which is neat:
When I was reading the dialogue, I felt like it would be easier to picture the scene if I had a bit more setting description. We know Lia’s back is against the wall, but where are Torrin and Rowan appearing?
Another suggestion I’d have is to describe more than the characters’ faces. Are they appearing in full-body in this vision? If they are, I would imagine their clothes would stand out just as much if not more so than their eyes. For instance, do the brothers dress similarly or differently?
Something else I liked about the chapter was how Lia’s actions played out.
I like how you show her reliving the memory of what she did in the past, and how that includes her choosing her words cautiously rather than saying the first thing that runs through her mind. It makes her come across as a capable person and someone who can manage conflict well.
Overall, this chapter does a good job at conveying Lia’s discovery of her history with this mysterious kidnapper. I feel like she’d have some conflicting feelings - she may have known him in the past, but he did still kidnap her. My main suggestion would be to think about how you describe the characters in the argument scene, as well as how they’re situated in the room.
Hope this helps, and keep writing!
-Lim
Hi Kae! It's been a while since I saw you and I completely missed the update! Anyways, let's get into reviewing shall we?
First impressions
Ooh, I'm liking the plot development! We have another male lead that's here to (maybe?) entice the female lead, who turns out to be siblings with Torrin? This smells like a wattpad love story, meaning somewhat cliche but I'm all for it because I eat those up.
For the story
I see that you developed the story more, introducing new characters and adding more mysteries to what could have happened in the past that Aurelia forgot. It's super interesting, and the pacing itself is okay. However, there are some sentences that feel like they are just there purely for plot progression and it does seem to be progressing a bit fast. I know how much plot progression is important, but pacing a story to not feel too fast and actually give time for emotions to sink in as reading is a very important part of storytelling.
All in all
I really enjoyed reading this update (even though I'm 2 months late) and I do hope you continue to write this story (no pressure though! creativity requires plenty of rest and time) as I am definitely intrigued about all the mystery and romance here. Happy holidays! (and new year!)