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Taken pt 3

Authors note:: For reference to any that have not read/or need a refresher::

A girl who had been entranced by a stranger's beauty had been taken against her will onto a boat, in the middle of nowhere. Follow her journey as she discovers why he has done this and how to escape. 



I turned sharply to face my captor. For a moment we only stood there and studied each other. I opened my mouth several times but had to close it because nothing came out.

I finally managed to croak out, "What. What is this?"

He just shook his head and stepped out into the light. I have to admit, the sun did feel nice against my face. The longer I stood there, gaping, the more hopeless I felt.

I finally managed to say, "Why me? Why are you doing this to me?"

He sat the platter of food he was holding down on one of the glass tables and then he turned to face me.

Gently, he said, "You remember how vulnerable you were 2 days ago?"

My heart fluttered and sunk into my chest. 2 days ago. Well, now I know how long I was out for. At the same time, I tried to suppress the memories that came flooding back to me. My best friends, Izzy and Dom, had left me on the side of the road a few days ago.

They had abandoned me with just my thoughts on the corner of main street and I62. The next morning, I had woken up on the side of the road where I had slumped, defeated, and too far away to walk home.

I shook my head violently. I could not afford to think of all the horrible things that had happened to her. Not when this was by far the worst. I walk towards him and study the food.

He caught me looking and gestured to the plate. "I didn't poison it, you know." He took a pancake and popped it into his mouth to prove his point.

*Not asking for each others names for the first 3 chapters?? Total red flag*

Somehow, I got the courage to say, "I never really got your name. My name is Aurelia, but everyone calls me Lia." That's not particularly true, only my family and my two friends called me that--If she could still call them my friends.

His eyebrows raised in surprise. I am not sure how he expected me to respond, but it certainly wasn't to ask his name. Of course, I had another intention of asking him, not just so that I had a name to call him. I needed his name so if I got off of this boat I would know who to report. --'when'-- I corrected myself. When I get off this boat.

"My name is Torin," he said in between bites. His usual arrogance had returned as he turned to face the rest of the boat. "It's not much, but it is all that I have," he said sitting down at the little barstool in front of the counter.

I made no move to join. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs until someone came to rescue me. But there is no chance of that happening. Not when we are stuck on a boat. In the middle of nowhere.

I observed him in silence for a few more moments and, seeing that he hadn’t died from eating the pancakes, grabbed a few from the pan and scrambled back out of arm’s length from him. I had no intention of letting him touch me again. Not after he had taken me…

He raised his eyebrows in response. That arrogance made me so mad inside. I took a few tentative bites, my eyes still locked with his. They tasted so good I had to admit. Not that I would tell him that out loud. He would probably ruffle his feathers if I did.

I eagerly ate the rest and then made a grab for the orange juice sitting next to the platter. He blocked my arm smoothly and grabbed my wrist so I couldn’t pull it back.

“Slow down, will you? You don’t want to be sick and puke it all up after.” He said rolling his eyes.

I yanked my hard from his grasp and grabbed the orange juice anyway. Who knows how long I had gone without food or water, and the pit in my stomach finally seemed to ease a bit as I drank.

He just shook his head and said, “How much longer are we going to play this game Lia? I’ve already told you, everything I have done is to protect you.”

I shook my head emphatically. “I don’t believe you one bit. What are you trying to protect me from anyway?”

He hesitated, clearly unsure whether to tell me or not. I nodded slowly, making up my mind before a lie came out of his mouth.

“If you are going to lie about it, don’t say anything at all. I hate liars. While you make up your mind of what story to tell me this time, I need some time alone. To think.” I growled. To find a way out of here, I silently add.

I turn on my heal and walk back to the set of doors we had come through. That wasn’t a complete lie, but I still wanted to look around. When I opened the doors, I took a quick peek back to see if Torin was following me. He wasn’t.

Good. I didn’t want an escort so that I could take some time to explore. I walked slowly down the hallway, not sure where to start. I start down the winding hallways expecting to head back to my little bedroom but stop suddenly when I see a set of doors that are closed.

That wasn’t closed when we came through. All of the doors were open as I had noted when I first walked out of this hallway. I curiously pushed at them, and they gave way, creaking as they opened. I stepped into a generally large room with a huge waterfall in the middle.

Bath, I corrected myself. Not a waterfall, it was an elegant bath. Goodness this man must have his pockets full of money to afford something like this boat. The water sprinkled lightly into the middle of the bath making it sound like it was raining.

I looked around and spotted some towels on the side of the room. I grabbed on, slipped off my clothes, and stepped cautiously in. It was hot, but not scalding as I slipped in. My aching bones sighed, and I leaned my head back against the side.

It felt so nice to take a bath and with satisfaction, I noticed the dirt coming off from my skin that I hadn’t realized was there. I closed my eyes, not wanting to ruin this moment and the sound of the falling water lulled me to sleep.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
ToastK
Review
ToastK wrote a review · Fri Aug 16, 2024 4:54 am

Hi Kae, I didn’t review anything in the month of July, so I must’ve missed this amazing story! Anyways, let’s dive in.

First,
As we continue, it feels like mysteries start to unwrap one by one as other mysteries emerge in, creating a real sense of suspense. Even with our characters’ names finally revealed, we still have much more to ponder, and I’m excited to see what you have planned to unravel this story.

For the Story,
I really enjoyed the way this was written, having a clear and fun to follow trail of thought from our main character.
My only main point of improvement is the tense-agreement (boring i know, sry)

Well, now I know how long I was out for. At the same time, I tried to suppress the memories that came flooding back to me.

In places like here, “knew” would feel more natural than “know” because all the other verbs around it are in past-tense. Small thing, but you can catch this withe simple spell checks, or just rereading the sentence aloud.

*Not asking for each others names for the first 3 chapters?? Total red flag*
lmaooo now this is the kind of humor i live for. The narrator/author’s interruption in the story for comedic relief, you did a great job with the timing here!

All in All,
Another great addition to the story, and I can’t wait to see where it goes!

User avatar
Seoyoung
Review

Hi hi!

I'm going into this story completely blind lol, so sorry if I don't catch on to everything! I appreciate the little refresher though! That was very kind to add!

We're jumping right into the action! From what I've read, it seems like the main character has been kidnapped... oh my goodness! At least she's on a boat though hahah, that's not the worst place to be. You did a great job at humanizing her here, too! Her fears felt very real and they came out naturally. It's not the easiest task to make a character feel more than flat, so I commend you!

Though, I wish there was more about her! I'm aware she's the main character, but that's everything I know. Maybe I just need to read the previous parts to catch on to that ^-^ Still though, it wouldn't hurt to describe her more!

I'm glad we got to learn more about the mysterious Torin! I wonder what his intentions are... it's not cool to take random girls on your boat like that! Out of both of the characters introduced here, he feels the most developed. He's a little unsettling though, but that feels on point for the plotline! I'm curious how all of this part will tie into the next one, too. It left off on a dull note, in my opinion.

This was a great chapter! I think I have to read the previous parts now to truly understand lol, but I got a good general idea. This was written well!

~ Seoyoung

User avatar
gruzinkerbell
Review

Hey, it's Serrurie, here to leave a review! (I haven't read the first two parts so excuse me if I get a few things confused).

Image

The Good Stuff :smt041 icon-spin
-These characters have very distinctive personalities; the MC is cautious and Torin is arrogant. It's especially nice that his personality shows through his body movement and he isn't just some stiff, generic character.
- The story, despite not having too much action, keeps up a swift pace.
- The beginning sentence is a smooth transition from where I assume the last chapter left off (which I've noticed is pretty uncommon, so it's great to read).
-This isn't too overloaded with description but I can still get a clear picture of what everything looks like. :smt023
-Your speech between characters is seperate! This is such a big issue I see in stories, but you didn't do it. (congrats!)

Room For Improvement

-I've noticed a few times when you switch from past to present tense. Most of the story is past tense, so I'd just like to show you how to fix these few sentences.
Ex:

I walk towards him and study the food.

I start down the winding hallways expecting to head back to my little bedroom but stop suddenly when I see a set of doors that are closed.

As you can see, you've used words like 'stop', 'walk', 'suddenly', and 'see', instead of adding 'ed' to the end of them and changing them to past tense like the rest of the story. During this action, it should be past tense, as the rest of the story is. However, if we are in the character's mind and reading their thoughts, this can break this rule and change to present tense (just make sure it's italicized so we can tell it's thoughts).
Ex:
When I get off this boat.


Overall Opinion
- Great chapter! This packed a lot of emotion and had a great writing style overall. Can't wait to read the following chapters (and the ones I have yet to read that you've posted)!

Keep up the good work!

-

Serrurie

:elephant:



In a dream you are never eighty.
— Anne Sexton