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12+ Violence

Taken (revisited and edited)

by KaeRae88


The thunder cracked and roared as we stood there by the water's edge. I’m not sure which droplets of water were my tears or the rain. I remember I glanced at you occasionally when I thought you were not looking.

'Beautiful,' I thought.

Perfectly beautiful if I was being honest with myself. Your green eyes reflected in the sun and your blonde hair stuck up. I remember it was high tide and I stuck my feet in the water. You were at least 30 feet away and not paying any attention to me.

Or so I thought. You told me later that you were watching me, just when I wasn’t. The beach wasn’t very crowded since the sun was barely coming up. I took my jacket off and put it on the ground, making a small patch to sit on so I didn’t get sand on me. The rain soaked through my hair, making the curls go away and me shiver.

I turned towards you once more and saw you staring at me this time. I turned away quickly as my silver eyes filled up with tears again. I was never enough. I remember thinking of what had just happened the day before with Dominic and Isabelle even though that just made me cry harder.

I felt your gaze burn a hole straight through me and could hear your quiet steps behind me just before you put your own leather jacket on my shoulders. I remember turning my head quickly trying to figure you out. Your piercing green eyes held me there for a moment before I blinked, coming to my senses.

You were a stranger, sure you were handsome, but I was nobody. I remember feeling helpless and lonely as I lowered my eyes and pushed the jacket back into your hands.

“I’m fine thanks,” I spluttered out.

You didn’t say anything, just plopped down beside me, staring at the horizon in front of you. And I think you understood at that point how I felt. I turned my head to the sky and let the rain run down my face. I had no idea that you would ruin my plan tonight and that my life would get worse, but I kept sitting beside you.

I wonder what would have happened if I pushed you away or even walked away. I remember shivering some more and regretting I didn’t take your jacket.

“It’s beautiful isn’t it,” you said, surprising me.

“Y-Yeah,” I stammered. “I mean not as beautiful as you.”

My cheeks flamed, and I quickly turned my head so you couldn’t see. You laughed and I remember thinking that it was like butterflies dancing in the wind.

You reached for my chin with your thumb and forefinger and pulled gently at it, making me look into your eyes. As soon as I did, I was lost in a forest of emerald, green. You carefully let go of my chin and swept your thumbs over my face, wiping away my tears.

“Well, your hair reminds me of the sand and its beauty,” you said.

My eyebrows flicked up in response. Were you complementing me? I couldn’t place your accent. It was British sounding but maybe a bit of Australian too. 

I blinked. You had both hands placed on either side of my cheeks and it looked as if you were going to kiss me. I pulled back, deciding to brush it off and use a sarcastic comment in response to your careless flirting.

“And your eyes are as big as the zeros I get on my math tests,” I muttered.

It wasn’t entirely true. Sure, math wasn’t my favorite subject, but I still managed to get passing grades. You laughed again, throwing your head back.

In that moment, I marveled at the way the light hit your face and made it shine. I allowed myself to smile a little. My phone vibrated then, and I pulled it out of my pocket sighing as I saw it was mom. She wouldn’t be happy with me.

'Later,' I remember thinking as I shoved my phone back into my pocket.

“You not going to answer that? It may be the last time you do,” you said with a surprised tone in your voice.

I raised my eyebrows again but turned away and didn’t say anything. Little did I know it would be true.

He bit his lip and then continued, “My parents used to say... Silence is an expression of pain. I guess what I’m asking is if you are okay...?”

I licked my lips ready to say that I was fine. Like I always do. But I hesitated. I’m not sure what made me do it, maybe the easy way we talked, or the fact that I would never see you again anyway.

“I’m not sure. I mean yeah, but every time I blink someone hurts me. It’s like I don’t matter to anyone anymore. My parents never listen to me, and my brother makes fun of me. My best friend's laugh at me secretly and my crush dates my best friend just for the fun of it. I guess what I mean is that I don’t think that this world is meant for me you know?”

I took a deep breath and looked at where the sky met the ocean, too afraid to look you in the eyes. Too afraid of what I would see. You grabbed my wrist, and I tensed waiting for the yelling or anything to signify you being upset.

But it didn’t come. And like a hit dog I sat there and cried again. You just held me. Honestly, I’m thankful for that one moment. But what if it stopped there? What if I pushed you away and never looked back? But it didn’t happen like that. It never is a happy ending.

Once my tears dried up and I had no more left in me, I sat up and dragged myself out of your arms. But you didn’t let me. You twisted my arm so hard I gasped, pain sparking down my arm and into my back. I stopped moving then, knowing that if I so much as twitch, it would break.

You brought your mouth so close to my ear that I could feel the hotness of your breath as you said, “now that I know you feel that way, I can’t let you go.”

I remember feeling your arms go inside my pocket and pull my phone out. I knew if something bad was going to happen my best hope would be my phone. I screamed, kicked him, and reached for my phone. I heard a bone in my arm break, but I kept reaching.

I heard you curse and felt your arm tighten as you threw the phone far into the ocean. You only had me by one hand and I knew that I should strike now. But you took something out of your pocket and slipped it into my mouth.

It tasted bad and I tried to spit it out, but you pushed your hand against my jaw. Hard. You were a lot stronger than you looked. I let you do it. It wouldn’t hurt me. would it? I let my head flop trying to glimpse any other people on the beach.

“Don’t bother. I checked,” you growled.

Water ran down your face and onto mine. Now your eyes looked like green slime and algae. I couldn’t believe that I had once found you charming. I screamed again but your hand muffled it, and I bit down, hard. I remember you hissing and saying a word in a different language. I got up and ran but I felt dizzy.

Everything was so fuzzy, and I could barely keep my eyes open. You were on me a second later, tackling me to the ground. Sand got in my mouth, and I tried to protest but you put your weight on me and suddenly I didn’t have any words left in me.

I tried to tell you that I was okay and that I wanted to go home but nothing came out. You duck-tapped my hands behind my back. And then nothing. Nothing but darkness and icy, icy cold.


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Tue Jun 04, 2024 12:33 am
LucidNightmare says...



Hi! I am here to inspect this piece of writing. Now let me see... ah! I understand now! This is not merely some little story. This... is art.

First of all, what just happened? I thought this was going to be a sweet love story. Wow! Was I wrong! This twist in the plot really had me baffled and I love it.

Next, I would like to address the elephant in the room. Did the person telling the story die? Also was the emerald, green eye person trying to kill the main character or were they just trying to subdue this character? I have many questions.

Overall I really loved your work keep it up!




KaeRae88 says...


Hey! The second part is up which will answer your questions. If you feel like looking at it, it should be in the same folder with the name taken (2). Thank you for the review%uD83D%uDE06



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Sun Jun 02, 2024 8:15 pm
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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well this was quite the piece here, I love the start out on the classic romantic meeting thing just lulling us all into that sense of calm and security and then boom as soon as the life story is out the pouncing happens. Very realistic and very powerful piece there.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The thunder cracked and roared as we stood there by the water's edge. I’m not sure which droplets of water were my tears or the rain. I remember I glanced at you occasionally when I thought you were not looking.

'Beautiful,' I thought.

Perfectly beautiful if I was being honest with myself. Your green eyes reflected in the sun and your blonde hair stuck up. I remember it was high tide and I stuck my feet in the water. You were at least 30 feet away and not paying any attention to me.


Ooh well this is quite the little start here, just someone talking about someone it looks like they mostly admired from afar there, judging by what we're saying here. Let's see where this is headed here.

Or so I thought. You told me later that you were watching me, just when I wasn’t. The beach wasn’t very crowded since the sun was barely coming up. I took my jacket off and put it on the ground, making a small patch to sit on so I didn’t get sand on me. The rain soaked through my hair, making the curls go away and me shiver.

I turned towards you once more and saw you staring at me this time. I turned away quickly as my silver eyes filled up with tears again. I was never enough. I remember thinking of what had just happened the day before with Dominic and Isabelle even though that just made me cry harder.

I felt your gaze burn a hole straight through me and could hear your quiet steps behind me just before you put your own leather jacket on my shoulders. I remember turning my head quickly trying to figure you out. Your piercing green eyes held me there for a moment before I blinked, coming to my senses.


Ooh well this continues to get more intriguing, the two of them just wanting to look at each other but making sure its only when the other isn't looking. That's quite neatly done there I think establishing exactly what they thought of each other even though it seems our protagonist doesn't think of themself as worth that attention.

You were a stranger, sure you were handsome, but I was nobody. I remember feeling helpless and lonely as I lowered my eyes and pushed the jacket back into your hands.

“I’m fine thanks,” I spluttered out.

You didn’t say anything, just plopped down beside me, staring at the horizon in front of you. And I think you understood at that point how I felt. I turned my head to the sky and let the rain run down my face. I had no idea that you would ruin my plan tonight and that my life would get worse, but I kept sitting beside you.

I wonder what would have happened if I pushed you away or even walked away. I remember shivering some more and regretting I didn’t take your jacket.


Well this is quite the little start, the two of them just being adorably awkward together with our protagonist really having trouble processing everything. Quite a cute little moment here.

“It’s beautiful isn’t it,” you said, surprising me.

“Y-Yeah,” I stammered. “I mean not as beautiful as you.”

My cheeks flamed, and I quickly turned my head so you couldn’t see. You laughed and I remember thinking that it was like butterflies dancing in the wind.

You reached for my chin with your thumb and forefinger and pulled gently at it, making me look into your eyes. As soon as I did, I was lost in a forest of emerald, green. You carefully let go of my chin and swept your thumbs over my face, wiping away my tears.

“Well, your hair reminds me of the sand and its beauty,” you said.


Ooooooh the cuteness is ramping right the way up on this, the classic accidental compliment going on there but then the cute moment there coming right in with the reverse compliment to make the person more comfortable. I think that's a lovely moment here.

My eyebrows flicked up in response. Were you complementing me? I couldn’t place your accent. It was British sounding but maybe a bit of Australian too.

I blinked. You had both hands placed on either side of my cheeks and it looked as if you were going to kiss me. I pulled back, deciding to brush it off and use a sarcastic comment in response to your careless flirting.

“And your eyes are as big as the zeros I get on my math tests,” I muttered.

It wasn’t entirely true. Sure, math wasn’t my favorite subject, but I still managed to get passing grades. You laughed again, throwing your head back.


Ooooh classic moment once again, I'm just loving this scene, its so adorablee and its just hitting all of those classic awkward first meeting moments so well here. Looking forward to seeing how this goes down here.

In that moment, I marveled at the way the light hit your face and made it shine. I allowed myself to smile a little. My phone vibrated then, and I pulled it out of my pocket sighing as I saw it was mom. She wouldn’t be happy with me.

'Later,' I remember thinking as I shoved my phone back into my pocket.

“You not going to answer that? It may be the last time you do,” you said with a surprised tone in your voice.

I raised my eyebrows again but turned away and didn’t say anything. Little did I know it would be true.

He bit his lip and then continued, “My parents used to say... Silence is an expression of pain. I guess what I’m asking is if you are okay...?”


Oh dear, flags be waving in that wind there. That is not a comment that can be ignored surely even though we've got something of an excuse coming up there. Let's see how that pans out here.

I licked my lips ready to say that I was fine. Like I always do. But I hesitated. I’m not sure what made me do it, maybe the easy way we talked, or the fact that I would never see you again anyway.

“I’m not sure. I mean yeah, but every time I blink someone hurts me. It’s like I don’t matter to anyone anymore. My parents never listen to me, and my brother makes fun of me. My best friend's laugh at me secretly and my crush dates my best friend just for the fun of it. I guess what I mean is that I don’t think that this world is meant for me you know?”

I took a deep breath and looked at where the sky met the ocean, too afraid to look you in the eyes. Too afraid of what I would see. You grabbed my wrist, and I tensed waiting for the yelling or anything to signify you being upset.


Hmm well it seems ignoring that little moment we just have a gentle vent happening here of how everything around this person appears to be a little turned against them. This is turning back to being mostly wholesome. Excited to see how that plays out now. It does not bode well here for how this person is coming in.

But it didn’t come. And like a hit dog I sat there and cried again. You just held me. Honestly, I’m thankful for that one moment. But what if it stopped there? What if I pushed you away and never looked back? But it didn’t happen like that. It never is a happy ending.

Once my tears dried up and I had no more left in me, I sat up and dragged myself out of your arms. But you didn’t let me. You twisted my arm so hard I gasped, pain sparking down my arm and into my back. I stopped moving then, knowing that if I so much as twitch, it would break.

You brought your mouth so close to my ear that I could feel the hotness of your breath as you said, “now that I know you feel that way, I can’t let you go.”

I remember feeling your arms go inside my pocket and pull my phone out. I knew if something bad was going to happen my best hope would be my phone. I screamed, kicked him, and reached for my phone. I heard a bone in my arm break, but I kept reaching.


Welp there we go, I was hoping that maybe I was just being a little bit paranoid there but nope here we go, things coming in hot there and our poor protagonist is definitely about to be taken here. (Pun intended xD)

I heard you curse and felt your arm tighten as you threw the phone far into the ocean. You only had me by one hand and I knew that I should strike now. But you took something out of your pocket and slipped it into my mouth.

It tasted bad and I tried to spit it out, but you pushed your hand against my jaw. Hard. You were a lot stronger than you looked. I let you do it. It wouldn’t hurt me. would it? I let my head flop trying to glimpse any other people on the beach.

“Don’t bother. I checked,” you growled.

Water ran down your face and onto mine. Now your eyes looked like green slime and algae. I couldn’t believe that I had once found you charming. I screamed again but your hand muffled it, and I bit down, hard. I remember you hissing and saying a word in a different language. I got up and ran but I felt dizzy.


Oooh really love this paragraph here especially, its right when this person reveals how evil those intentions are its just hurt and just the fact that this was clearly in planning for a bit of a time as well. Then that end of how the beauty reveals its truer uglier self is a perfect little example of how this person' character changes here.

Everything was so fuzzy, and I could barely keep my eyes open. You were on me a second later, tackling me to the ground. Sand got in my mouth, and I tried to protest but you put your weight on me and suddenly I didn’t have any words left in me.

I tried to tell you that I was okay and that I wanted to go home but nothing came out. You duck-tapped my hands behind my back. And then nothing. Nothing but darkness and icy, icy cold.


Welp there we go, just going right into the deep end there. A powerful place to end too, just a big ol' cliffhanger about what's to happen. I think I'm definitely going to head over and take a look at that part two.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall this is quite the powerful little start here, I think you've done a pretty awesome job of putting this all together here with the false sense of security leading up to the big moment. Looking forward to seeing what part two holds for us.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate

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KaeRae88 says...


Hey Kate! Thank you for the review and for the tips~



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Mon May 06, 2024 4:05 pm
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DevilBeMyDarling wrote a review...



Oh wow! That kind of took me by surprise.
Firstly, the tone of the story is amazing! almost feels a little past tense, which adds to the overall impact of the story's events. I really like how you shifted the (I'm assuming it's a guy)'s description to match the character's situation. It's almost a bit scary because it could happen to anyone who was trusting of a stranger, as people tend to be with attractive persons in particular. The only complaint I could possible have are in some technical areas of writing, such as your use of 's in places they shouldn't be and the line describing (his?) eyes in the beginning, where the author wrote, "emerald, green." which would have made a bit more sense without the comma. Still, as far as writing goes, you're already doing better than most!




KaeRae88 says...


Thank you! Sorry for my really late response, I haven't logged in for a week or so..... I will definitely change those things to clarify a bit more!




Nothing is impossible, for the word itself says, 'I'm possible!'
— Audrey Hepburn