Published September 3, 2026
Chapter 5: Cal
At the mention of my house, Alex flinches. It's barely perceptible—just a sudden sharp intake of breath—but I catch it. My heart plummets. Calm down, she doesn't remember, it's okay. Her trauma is locked away to protect her, but her body remembers. Her body remembers that the man living in my house is a monster, even if her conscious mind can't seem to put the pieces together.
"Alex?" Lucy's tone shifts from annoyed to concerned. She reaches out, in an attempt to console Alex.
"Don't," I snap, a little too quickly, a little too loudly.
Lucy freezes, her hand hovering in mid-air, her eyes going wide with surprise. "Cal? What is wrong with you today?"
But I'm not paying attention to Lucy anymore. All my focus is pinned on Alex. The trembling in her hands has spread to her shoulders and her breath is coming in short, ragged gasps that don't seem to be giving her any oxygen.
"Alex, breathe," I murmur, leaning across the table, desperately trying to keep my voice low so we don't draw a crowd. The last thing she needs is people staring at her.
"I can't," she whispers. It's a strangled, terrifying sound. "Cal, the trees... they're too close. The sky is wrong. It's happening again."
She's slipping, her dream—the one with the skeletal trees and bruised purple sky—is seeping into her waking mind. She's drowning in the memory of the woods, and I'm the one that dragged her down there in the first place. My silence, my compliance, my absolute terror of my father has kept her in the dark, but the truth is slowly clawing itself out into the open.
"Hey, look at me," I command gently, shoving my tray aside. I reach across the table to firmly grab her shaking hands. Her skin is ice cold. "Alex, look at my eyes. Focus on me. You're in the cafeteria. You're safe."
Safe. The word tastes like sandpaper. She isn't safe. Not as long as my father is still breathing.
"I can't breathe, Cal, I can't—" her voice cracks, a gasp escaping her throat as she pulls her hands violently from mine. She clutches at the collar of my old sweatshirt, pulling at it as if it's choking her. Her eyes are wide and glassy, and completely unfocused as she hyperventilates.
"Oh my gosh," Lucy gasps finally grasping the gravity of the situation. She stands up, her chair screeching against the linoleum. "Alex? Cal, what do we do? Should we get the nurse? Is she having a heart attack? Is she breathing?"
"Lucy, sit down, you're making it worse," I say, my own panic spiking, though I force myself to keep a mask of calm.
Alex suddenly stands up, knocking her chair back, and her water bottle over. It rolls off the table and falls, spilling, onto the floor. But she doesn't notice. She backs away from the table, her hands pressed against her ears, her breath coming in short, ragged gasps. She looks like a trapped animal, searching frantically for an escape.
"Alex, wait!" I yell, abandoning all pretense of remaining quiet.
I push away from the table, catching her just as her knees buckle. I pick her up in my arms, bringing her back from the edge of a total collapse, while Lucy watches in horrified silence.
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141,046 Literary Works • 673,936 Reviews
Another good chapter. Maybe don't have Cal mention his dad is a monster and let us work that out ourselves. It is a double-edged-sword with Cal knowing what happened to Alex because it feels like he has autonomy over her memories, but he is doing this to protect her. It is a big burden. I wonder what Alex will feel when she knows Cal has been hiding this from her. Alex's panic is set up well and feels realistic. Again, it seems like it should be a part of the last chapter. Then you can remove the callback to the bruised sky because you have said it a few times already. I also wonder: what are the other students in the cafeteria doing? Have they witnessed this? Cal yells and Alex is having a panic attack, maybe some description about whether people notice or not would be nice.
Hello, Junebug! I thought I would drop by to review this chapter! c: I know I haven't read the previous chapters, but I can definitely infer what's happening!
My first thought was that you do a strong job putting me inside Cal’s panic, especially because the scene isn’t ONLY about Alex’s fear. That double layer works really well! Alex is visibly spiraling, but Cal is also spiraling internally, and that makes the whole cafeteria scene feel much more urgent and important for the narrative. I think that Cal's voice is a particular highlight for me! The way he notices tiny details, like Alex’s breathing and trembling, makes sense for someone who is hyperaware of her safety. I also like how quickly his anger flashes out at Lucy, because even though it’s unfair to her, it feels believable.
I also think the contrast between Lucy and Cal is effective. Lucy’s confusion helps show how much Cal knows that she doesn’t. Her reaction is a little chaotic, but that actually works for the scene, because she feels like an outsider suddenly realizing this is not normal stress or embarrassment. Cal, on the other hand, knows exactly why this is happening, but he can’t fully explain it. We've all been there! I believe that difference creates a lot of tension without needing a big exposition dump, since those don't tend to mesh well with prose.
I do feel that you should have more of a balance between explanation and then the action that arises from it! Cal’s thoughts are emotionally powerful, for example, but in the middle of a panic attack scene, there are moments where the narration explains a lot very directly. That isn’t necessarily wrong! I could see an argument for keeping the narration! But you might be able to make the scene even more intense by letting some of the backstory come through in through flashes or memories. Since Alex is actively breaking down, the pacing might feel more cohesive if Cal’s thoughts feel more fragmented and panicked.
Also, I am a little iffy on the realism when it comes to the panic attack. Cal grabbing Alex’s hands and later picking her up makes sense from his perspective, but since she is panicking and pulling away, it might be worth being very intentional about how this reads! Physical contact during panic can be comforting for some people and terrifying for others, and Alex’s reaction suggests she may not want to be touched in that moment. That could actually be a really interesting character conflict, for sure! Cal wants to protect her, but his instinct to physically intervene might not always be what she needs.
Smaller, but I’d also watch for repeated phrasing. I saw "Short, ragged gasps" appear more than once, and I am unsure it's the best phrasing. For a panic scene, it makes a lot of sense to keep everything feeling frantic! Though, this issue stood out enough that it took me out of the scene at times. You could keep one use and vary the other with a different physical description, maybe focusing on her chest, throat, hands, or eyes instead. That would be a nice way to explore writing new things too!
I hope this review is helpful! This chapter definitely has a lot of tension, and it makes me curious what the previous chapters entailed! Let me know if you have any questions about this review, or if you want me to check out the next part.
Aislynn <3
Thank you for the review!
#1. I get a lot of people telling me to "show, not tell." So being told that I need more balance both confuses and relieves me.
#2. As for Cal picking Alex up during the panic attack, no she's not someone who'd want to be touched in a moment like that. However, Alex is modeled after my best friend. She's someone who is only okay with being touched, especially in moments like this, by someone she trusts.
3. I understand the problem with the repeated phrasing, i'll try to work on that!
I would love if you read the other parts as well, it's something I've worked hard on and the more people who read it, the better!
Thank you, have a good day/night, and be safe!
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the ghoulish S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Cal witnesses Alex having a panic attack, so he tries to calm her down, but he doesn’t listen, so he shouts.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you would like to edit this, you may.
Chocolate Bar - I like that Cal is telling Alex to breathe and calm down, but she’s still having her panic attack. It shows how much this is all eating at her and how Cal won’t be able to reach her if he keeps secrets. Lucy’s reaction was good too, because she’s trying to help both of them but they won’t listen.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a quite sad chapter to this story. I have enjoyed reading this and I will be certain to read the next chapter tomorrow. I hope that Alex will be okay and…
I wish you a glamorous day/night! ^v^
Thank you! It makes me happy that you're enjoying my story!
Thank you, have a good day/night, and stay safe! 📚
Damn. Your story is really good. It's like I can really feel what your character's are feeling. I wish I could write an emotionally as your writing.
Thank you!