Young Writers Society

Hey there! Stella here to review! I got excited about this involving Irish people...

Okay so first of all this needs a bit of proofreading on things where you said "pale" where you meant "pale" not to mention your dialogue punctuation. This last one especially is something that's hard for a lot of new writers, and this article is the best teaching resource at our disposal. Once you master dialogue punctuation your piece immediately seems more polished and professional. So get on that!

I always have a bit of an issue with prologues. I don't think a prologue should exist unless it really really needs to. Maybe it takes place months/years before the story, maybe it's in a different perspective. Right here, right now, all I can tell is that this is the beginning of a story and thus better left to Chapter One.

Also, maybe you mean "Britain" instead of "Briton"? I also didn't understand a few things about geography like, why invade Ireland and Sweden? That seemed like a weird choice. And how did all Irish people see the notice if the notice was just in one small village? That's how it seemed anyway. I'll have you know Ireland is more than just one small village!

Another thing which a lot of people struggle with is the concept of "Show Vs Tell." What does that mean? Well, I'll tell you. Telling story involves saying, "Leti's best friend George was six foot six inches and really muscly." But showing us a story is writing things like, "Leti had to crane his neck to look into his best friend George's eye" and later, "George thumped Leti on the back and Leti stumbled. George didn't know his own strength despite his muscles being in plain sight." Rather than telling us things about George, show us George in action. Show us your story. This is something that takes a lot of practice but as you write more you get better at it!

Anyway, onto Chapter 1!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

Hey Jordin,

I'm just passing through so I can review some of your other chapters. But this looks good so far, and I don't know much about Irish history so this'll be something new. Careful for misspells, and lack of punctuation though.

Also, whenever you punctuate dialogue, and the speaker says a sentence, there needs to be a comma at the end (if it isn't a question or exclamation)

For example: "I would like some pie," said Deanie.

But a good start to what looks like it'll be an interesting story.

Hot sauce: If you can't take the heat, get out of the fire! Deanie x

hi there Jordin, Roxy here!

now, this could be an..interesting review, because, I'm from Ireland, live in Ireland and have studied Irish history for the last year or so... So lets see how this goes!

First of all, punctuation is deffinatly needed! some of your sentences run on and with out punctuation it gets difficult to read, so maybe look into that! Or prehapse shorten some of your sentences, as well as adding in punctuation.

When is this meant to be taking place? Are you writing a story on an actual event when the british came over, or are you just making it up? Also where is this taking place (be wary, different parts of Ireland have different attitudes towards the British, so maybe try and pick an area around the East coast just to be safe!)

In any case, if the irish are joining together to fight the British, their signs and warnings would probably also be in irish, For example, for an authentic irishness
"The British armies are coming to take Ireland and Sweden, beware of the king of Britian." (I presumed you meant Britian and not briton) could be put into irish words;
"An arm na Breataine atá ag teacht chun na hÉireann agus an tSualainn, seachain an ríogh Breatan"
You could have the English translation down below.

The names you use in the story, aren't very irish really, if you are totally making it up, thats fine, but if youre trying to make it authentic, maybe look up Irish names.

i haved to agree with GrapeNerd, a bit more emotion should be injected into this piece, we Irish are after all an outspoken and emotional people!!

I think that your concept is good, you just need to look into this more to execute it better!

Hope I didnt sound too harsh! I couldnt help it!
PM me if you need any help, and keep on writing!

Hiiii! So, I really like the concept of this story, but there were some errors and mistakes.

You misspelled some of your words, I strongly recommend that you edit this and just buff up the ruff edges a bit. However, I do like the raw feeling of this. Moving on...

I felt that this needed more detail. You could just add in some bits and pieces of Leti's surroundings or his house, or the way he feels about his city/town. However, I do like how you make everybody who is reading this curious.

Some of your sentences lacked EMOTION. Which I think you should edit. I felt that I was just reading this all in one go. Anyway, I love your title and the background, I love how old this story seems; needless to say, I think this could be a great story! Keep writing!
Hope this helped!
GrapeNerd

Hey there! So I like the idea, this could definitely turn into a great novel. (I also am in love with Irish names and their language so I got a bit excited when I saw the title and description.) But before moving on to Chapter One, I think this could use a bit of work.

Firstly, I recommend putting this through Word or Drive. You have almost no punctuation, and the grammar isn't good. I felt like my mind was racing to keep up because there were basically no commas or periods to slow down my mind. Run on sentences are probably one of the worst things a writing piece could have, I don't know any other way to exaggerate it. So yeah. Put it through Word or Drive or anything that automatically catches grammar and spelling mistakes.

Secondly, the dialogue needs to have more depth, and a realistic vernacular. This is Old Ireland, so their vernacular would be MUCH different than Ireland today, or however you speak and write. So work on accuracy on that part, and try to work on having the dialogue mean more. Every paragraph, line, statement, and sentence needs to either move the plot forward, reveal something about a character, or give setting details, which is my next topic of discussion once I'm finished with this one. If a paragraph does nothing to make the story have more depth, cut it. If a statement is said just to say it, have your characters say nothing. If there's that one sentence that detracts the reader from the story, definitely cut that. Anyway, I think you get it.

Setting. Other than knowing this is in Ireland, I really have no idea where Leti and his family and friends are, or how they feel about it. About every sentence is telling, and not showing. I think this may be as or more important than run-on sentences. Show, show, show!!! Although it's tough to do at first, it gives your piece so much more value, and it turns it into a really good writing piece. In Tolkien's Lord of the Rings, he literally spends paragraphs upon paragraphs describing a TREE. By describing things in detail, you can place emotion and beauty maybe not commonly seen. You can give your writing an emotion and beauty unlike any other writing, and have it be SPECIAL. I see so so so much potential for this to be an AWESOME novel that could be thought of as one of the greatest things YWS has seen in their years of being up. It all starts with emotion, detail, and good grammar, believe it or not. But mostly the first two, I guess.

So yeah. Hope this was helpful. I'll be impatiently waiting to see what you do with this, jordin. So keep writing!!!