The Old Irish: Chapter 2

Hey there! So this review I'll warn you is going to be a bit long, because I'm doing a lot of micro editing. But first, let me start more general. I like where this is going, I'm excited about what'll happen next. You've created really interesting characters that I'd like to get to know more, so definitely do all of your characters justice by properly introducing them and giving them detailed descriptions. For instance, you did a good job showing us the differing personalities of George and Grong. Try doing something like that with more characters like Wiggery, or Leti's father, or really Leti himself. A lot of this is action, try slowing things down a bit and describe in more detail the surroundings, or Leti's emotions, or really anything! So there's that. Alright, on to the next part.

Whenever I get a review that mentions spelling or grammar mistakes but doesn't specifically point out where it is, usually I kind of ignore it and move on. So to prevent that, I'll actually show you where I'm catching mistakes, from top to bottom, probably paragraph by paragraph or something.

One day as Leti was walking back to his home he saw a large number of people running about a post with a small white piece of paper the said.

The British armies are coming to take Ireland and Sweden, beware of the king of Briton.

This does not sound very threatening to you, but to these Irish people who had lived a long time in peace and plenty it had a sinister meaning but many of them were asking one another who had put this evil creed up and is it was just a hoax.

But there were a few who had known of war and knew a bit about fighting and battle they were told by their elder son who was very excited and wanted to fight these British just as his father had done.

His father on the contrary did not like this at all he said “The British scoundrels, before they attacked us in my time they spread fear by doing the same thing that they are at this moment” he paused for a moment to catch his breath.” they will not actually attack for a few weeks but everyone will be sleepless and tired from staying awake all night waiting for the sound of the tramping feet of the British.”

The whole family paused, then came a knock on the door and after entering the Irish family that stood from their chairs and saw who their gests where they saw that it was two men and that they were some of the older settlers of the village and the younger said “Well let’s talk about the news” and at once everyone had something to do some were helping their mother and others were going up into their beds to leave the grownups to talk alone.

after entering the Irish family that stood from their chairs and saw who their gests where

and at once everyone had something to do some were helping their mother and others were going up into their beds to leave the grownups to talk alone.

But the young boy went out of the house and walked toward the cold lake that was now just a huge slush run with a few larger pieces of ice sliding down to the lake which was half frozen as he walked eh heard a familiar voce yell “Leti” he looked up and saw two of his friends one named George the other named Grong the later was a huge boy about six feet six inches with huge muscles as they drew near they began to talk even though they were a good fifteen feet apart and this was I think normal because if you are really excited and want to talk to someone Leti said “I have not seen you for a while. Have you heard the news?”

“Yes we have” Grong said.

“Is that an answer to the first thing I said or the last?” asked Leti.

“Both” said George through a smile, he was always the one to think of some kind of silly answer.

“So have you seen the way people have been acting?” Said Leti “My father says that they will probably attack in a few weeks so don’t go hiding in one of you fathers oak chests George.” George was looking kind of pail.

“Well I am going to ether run like most of the people are going to do or we can stay and fight like we should.” Said Grong emphasizing the last word.

“I think we are going to stay and fight” said Leti looking down at the dead grass that looked like men on a field of white.

“George!” cam an old woman’s voice at these few words off went George toward the sound of the voice and Grong looked at Leti and said “Well I should be getting back to my folks too.”

Leti said bye and walked hurriedly back to his house and went up into his room which he shared with his smaller brother named Wiggery which was a strange name for and Irish boy, Leti fell asleep and had dreams of armies of the British and the town on fire.

He woke to the sound of a huge bell going ding dong ding dong ding dong.

He laid back down and pulled his pillow over his head so that he would not have to listen to it anymore.

About a minute later he heard the voice of his father calling him to come down.

Leti got up grumpily and walked down the stairs and saw his father talking to a man outside the door the man had a shovel over his shoulder and another smaller one stuck in the dirt when Leti’s father noticed him he said “Ah, here is my son.”

The other man looked at Leti studying, Leti’s father leant over and said “Son everyone is going to go and do some work on the town… he will explain on the way.” And at these words nudged me out and said aloud for the stranger to here “I will be down in a minute Agoden.” And he stepped back into the house and the man gave Leti the smaller shovel and an axe that he had sat in the snow.

As they walked the man who appeared to be about 30 years old explained what they were going to be doing for the next week it ran along the lines of “We need to make some defenses for the town.”

When they got to the line of people standing in a line with a various array of pickaxes shovels and other tools (Very old fashioned they are.) Just then Leti’s father came running up he was evidently going to be directing the proceedings.

He stood up and gave a long speech about the British coming and they would be about a week in getting to the town because they will have to get at least a portion of their army unloaded from the boats that had carried them from Britain to Ireland.

Leti so happened to be in the last third and everyone there wanted to be on a different job.

That night Leti slept so well that it seemed like he had only actually slept for a minute when the bells went off and woke him this time he got up and went to his work, next week the results of their work work was encouraging, they had a huge wall made out of trees thick enough for you to walk on it, they also had a huge ditch that was about 14 feet deep and 15 feet wide then there was a huge mound of dirt that had hardened from the cold.

Hi Jordin,

Okay, so this is the last chapter you have posted for this story. I like how Leti is going to have to help save his neighbourhood. It's a really good idea, and I can see how you can toy with the loss of losing love ones.

There are a few things that need correcting. I think you need to read this over and check for the few spelling mistakes, for example you wrote "herd" instead of heard. But I'm sure you'll be able to find them all after you do a quick scan over.

Also, it's dialogue again. Remember how if a sentence ends inside the speech marks you need a comma?
Like: "I don't know what to do anymore," whined Deanie. This is just for punctuation, and it didn't really disrupt or distract me from what I was reading. It was just a little thing I noticed that needed touching up on.

Again, the sentences are too long and strung together. We need to break them up! I'll do another example for you, just so I'm sure you can do it yourself.

This does not sound very threatening to you, but to these Irish, who had lived a long time in peace, it had a sinister meaning. Many of them were asking one another who had put this evil creed up, and is it was just a hoax?

I agree with Eloquent, the pace of your whole story is very fast. Slow down and give us more detail! The more research you do into this history, the more intriguing details will come up that I think you'll be dying to tell the reader about. And trust me, readers craaaaave details. I also think that breaking up your sentences will help a little with the pace.

Last but not least, I feel like you are telling me what's happening, instead of giving the reader a chance to feel it. I haven't heard any of Leti's emotions yet. Surely he must be distressed about knowing his home village could be destroyed, or people he love could be hurt. Emotions are the details a reader craves the most!

I'm eager to see whatever you write next, so let me know when you post! And I think the battle preparations for war are very realistic, a good thing there too. I'm sorry if I've been a bit too harsh. I don't mean any harm

Hot sauce: If you can't take the heat, get out of the fire! Deanie x

Elo here to review, hope I can help!

(Ooh! Historical fiction! *Rubs hands in excitement)

First of all, you seem to have an interesting idea here. Which is good! It’s always best to grab a reader’s attentions as soon as possible. And a boy whose town is about to be attacked by the British? That’s pretty exciting. Good job on the “hooking” start.

First of all, a bit of a warning here: This is historical fiction, and historical fiction takes a LOT of research. (Trust me on this one.) Make sure you are as accurate as possible, especially when it comes to describing places and people. The biggest thing I noticed was that, in the 1700’s Ireland, a person would probably not be named “Grong.” And since they’re Irish, probably not “Leti” or even “George.” The internet and the library are your best friends. Study, study, study.

Now, on to the story itself.

First of all, this was way too fast. Have you heard of a term called “pacing?” Writing is like a race---you can’t rush the whole thing or you’ll have no energy by the end. You might even trip up when going over rougher terrain. Likewise, you can’t take things as slowly as possible, going into every single little detail, but do give us, your readers, some more details about the story’s world. What kind of town is it? What does Leti’s house look like? How does the bell sound? (Besides “ding-dong,” is it clear, deep, shrill?)

So, space things out a bit here. You can spend more time writing about what it is that Leti was doing when they got the news of the British, how he and his family talked, how they built the ditch etc.

Here’s a tip: It’s better to add too much at first than too little. If you write extra, that can easily be edited out and cut when needed. But if there’s too little, you’ll end up causing yourself much more effort to brainstorm things to add. It’s like the opposite of weight loss!

Now, grammatically, you definitely need to use a spell check before you post. There aren’t as many misspells as there are “wrong-spells.” For example, in your title “herd” should be “heard.” Those homophones are tricky, but “death” is something to hear about---not a flock of animals. xD

Also, please use more punctuation!!!! A lot of your sentences tend to run on… don’t just keep adding commas. Break things up into sentences. It’ll make it easier to read too.

Lastly, have you heard of something called “the invisible author?” Think of all the books you’ve read---stories aren’t book reports. There shouldn’t be any need to “tell” the reader anything. Show don’t tell! Interjections like “now I’m going to tell you” and “This is a story about…” distract from what is actually happening in the story.

Think of a stage director. He tells the actors where to go, the set people what to fabricate, the orchestra what to play. But in the end he is invisible to the audience---hidden behind a curtain. As a writer, you too are hiding behind a curtain. Don’t ruin the story by stepping out on stage!

And finally, I’m sure you’ve heard this a lot on here: “Show, don’t tell!” What this means is that, when there is a chance to reveal something in a subtle and interesting way, it should be done that way; rather than just stating a list of facts. Here’s an example. Compare the following:

Jim climbed into the empty apple crate.

Jim hurried as he climbed into the empty barrel, banging his knee against the side with a painful thump. As quickly as possible, he reached over and fitted the heavy and waterlogged lid into place. He crouched down in the tiny, musty space and peered out through the slats in the wood. His heart pounded against his ribs, and he breathed in dust and the old, deep smell of apples.