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Chapter 1:Leti's life before

by Jonathan

Chapter 1: Leti’s life before.

Leti had been born the son of a wealthy Irish clan leader in the 1980’s he his two younger brothers and a sister were there only children and had been well risen and taught, he was a very popular boy at school and was liked by all around him his best friends were two boys one named the George the other named Grong he liked them equally and they had many frolics but that year was one of the coldest in 100 years and it snowed all year around and there were very few occasions when they could meet.

And in this time he stayed indoors as did every sensible boy that had a mother and father that is if they were smart (“They” are the parents.).

So instead of the cool Sumer turning into the cold winter it went from cold to very cold a number of the houses in the village were altogether smashed down by the cold and very windy blizzards that set in late in the month of December but Leti’s father had said that after a great cold came a great warmth and also said that when the warmth came he would wish that it was gone.

But Leti hoped that the warmth would come soon because he was freezing every time he went out of the house to stretch his arms and legs with a short walk he would come back cold shivering and numb from the intense cold that was always bombarding anything or anyone that was out doors.

He only saw his friends in the warmest part of the cold day which was normally in the middle just before it starts to get cold and just after it has warmed up enough to go outside, then they only had time to talk for about a minute before George’s mother called him (She was very protective over him) and after that Grong always said “I should be getting back to his folks too” and Leti would go back to the house looking down at the cold white snow.

That winter he learned more about his history about his family and that his grandfather had been a leading general in a major war his own father did not know which war and his other grandfather had been a major in the same war.

His sister was taken sick one day and he was sent to get a doctor he did this but when he came back he found out that his toes had frozen and he had not even noticed and the proses of unthawing them was very painful.

The doctor that he had fetched helped in this quite a bit and almost got his own feet frozen but he had a sled sort of thing and hitched a ride with an ice boat that was going at about 50 miles an hour and the slay slowed him down only by 10 miles an hour this is still a magnificent mileage.

Their house door was in fact ripped right off of its hinges and replaced within the next hour and a good deal of things were loosed to the deadly blizzard.

Then after a while to him it seemed to be years the snow began to lessen and the heat was so great in February that he would go down to the river and bath every day and so did his family and many other family’s .

Those days were terrible that you would always wont to stay in the shad and many fires were fought a house right next door to their house was burnt to the ground and almost burnt their house to the ground too.

These days they were sent to do school and learn about things Leti liked these times but he grew tired of them in about a week, his father and mother would not let him go out and play with his friends like he used to do.

The long months passed so slowly that Leti did not even know when the cold would come again this time was not far off and it began to rain and then the snow came and the day that Leti wok up and saw the thin layer of snow on the ground outside was one of the happiest days of his life he was out running and playing with his younger brothers

[quote]The next chapter starts about a month later.[/quote]

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1125 Reviews

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Reviews: 1125

Mon Jun 03, 2013 11:12 pm
StellaThomas wrote a review...

Hey there Jordin!

Okay so my main issue with this chapter was I couldn't see where it was going. It felt like the beginning to a nice little short story where the weather played a critical part. But I couldn't understand what it was doing at the start of your novel.

Your sentence structure could do with a little work, right now a lot of your sentences are run-on sentences, which means they don't stop where they should. Deanie covers that pretty well, but do pay attention to it.

Your chapter in many ways suffers from the same fate as those sentences. This sort of trundles along and each paragraph bleeds very quickly into the next one, but there's no real direction to the story right now. A lot of writers believe that every word that doesn't contribute directly to the story should be chopped out straightaway. So what do you think they're going to think about full chapters of backstory that, as far as I can see, isn't contributing much to either plot or character?

The other little thing I have to say is the Irishness of it all isn't cutting it for me. Ireland doesn't get weather extremes. At all. If there was that much snow it would be the coldest winter in all of eternity. The same goes for the heat. I also wasn't really convinced by the "wealthy Irish clan" thing because... what clan? Why are they wealthy?

So overall this was okay but I didn't really understand why it was your first chapter!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

jordin says...

Thanks for the review. The reason I did it like this was because I thought it needed some more telling to it. I made it so that it would be before the prologue.

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Sun May 26, 2013 6:06 am
Deanie wrote a review...

Back again, Jordin.

This chapter with give us more of an understand for Leti's character later on.

There were a few misspells. You said " wok" instead of woke, "shad" instead of shade and "wont" instead of want. But I think these were just typos. And you wrote "to do school", but that doesn't make grammatical sense. I think you just mean to school.

Once again, the sentences here are too long. They need breaking up into little sentences, or to be split with commas. For example, I'll do the first paragraph for you:

Leti had been born the son of a wealthy Irish clan leader in the 1980’s. His two younger brothers and a sister were their children. (I think the "only children" wasn't relevant because that is quite a substantial number of children) They had been well risen and taught. He was a very popular boy at school and was liked by all around him. His best friends were two boys, named George and Grong. Leti (it's nice to use the name every now and again so the reader still knows who you're talking about) liked them equally and they had many frolics. But that year was one of the coldest in 100 years, and it snowed all year around. There were very few occasions when they could meet.

If you could go through and do this to all your paragraphs, it would be a lot easier to read. But I really like how we've dug into Leti's history so we can know more about him.

Hot sauce: If you can't take the heat, get out of the fire! Deanie x

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80 Reviews

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Sat May 18, 2013 7:18 pm
Picklesole wrote a review...

Hello there again! I like how you're giving background information on Leti, though you've seemed to have forgotten to give him a physical description and age, unless that was in the prologue and I just forgot it. Either way, I like that you're introducing Leti more. I find it funny that at first he was saying that he wanted it to be warm, and then when it was sweltering hot, he just wanted it to be snowy again. :) Very extreme weather in Ireland, I see. I'm still noticing a lot of run on sentences, I see now it's because you're forgetting to put in commas and periods where they should be. Other than just quoting and showing you exactly where they need to be put, I don't really know how else to help you fix that, so I guess I'll do the first paragraph as an example or something.

"Leti had been born the son of a wealthy Irish clan leader in the 1980s. He, his two younger brothers, and [his] sister were *their only children and had been well risen and taught. He was a very popular boy at school and was liked by [everyone around him.] His best friends were two boys; one named George, the other named Grong. He liked them equally and they had many frolics, but that year [happened to be] one of the coldest in 100 years. It snowed [continuously] all year, so there were very few occasions when they could meet."

You see what I mean? It flows much better and makes a lot more sense. Oh, by the way, [ ] means I changed a word or added something in, and * means I fixed the spelling/grammar mistake in a word. I think you should go through the entire piece doing what I just did with the first paragraph, so it can flow a lot better.

With the concluding statement, I do recommend editing as well, but to make it more clear. I assume "chapter" means that chapter of his life? If it does, I recommend saying something more concise about that, and ending with a cliffhanger. For example, say something to the effect of "That carefree season of his life abruptly ended when..." and end with something with just enough detail to make the reader sit on the edge of his/her seat, thinking "What happened?" but don't give it all away. You know? Because with the concluding statement you have now, it sounds like your that person who says "this paragraph is over now." or "and that is the end of this paper." And that, believe me, is the absolute WORST way to end ANYTHING. So yeah.

Other than those things, I still really like it! I'll read Ch. 2 when I can. For now, keep writing!

jordin says...

Thanks for the review.

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9 Reviews

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Reviews: 9

Fri May 17, 2013 10:58 pm
freezingwreck wrote a review...

Hi there!

Quick review for you! Hope it helps

Firstly good work, I liked the setting and the descriptions, as it really made me picture what was going on clearly!

I spotted a few grammar mistakes, such as "Family's" should be "families" and "wok" instead of "woke" but these are pretty common mistakes which I'm sure you can fix by reading it aloud.

Another thing to work on is the plot? At the moment there isn't much for the reader to hang onto, to lead the into the next chapter. I think you should try to add in more mystery to captivate your reader's attention!
The last line confused me a little? "about a month later this chapter ends" ? Again try to build up more of a gripping conclusion to the chapter. This will lead the reader nicely into the next

Overall good job and keep working on it!

jordin says...

Okay you need to read the prologue, then is would be clear.

If a million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.
— Anatole France