Chapter Two
The Witch Hunter’s Town
The midnight air was cool and crisp as the Canaby sisters flew high above the clouds. They had been flying silently for at least an hour when Madeline broke the silence “sisters” she said “I think we should rest a bit, let’s go down and find somewhere to sleep.
“Are you kidding Madeline, witch hunters are about this time of night, finding and torturing innocent witches.” Said Sarah
“I know that but if we keep flying like this we may not make it, we have to take the risk” Madeline debated
“
agree with Madeline, Sarah lets go” Rose retorted
Madeline and Rose dove through the thick layers of clouds descending fast, Sarah reluctantly followed. Going through the clouds was bad judgment because it made them wet with rain water and as they descended they became cold. Finally reaching the dusty ground the Canaby sisters looked around seeing a dusty road, an old breaking down barn on a hill, and a couple of old houses with torches around them, giving enough light to let them see where they were going.
“
I think we should get ourselves dried off before we get sick” said Madeline
“Oh wait, I have a spell in my spell book to do that” Sarah said
Sarah took the shrunken trunk and made it normal size with a wave of her hand and reached through her clothing and got her spell book.
Flipping through her book she looked for an instant drying spell that could dry them off so they could be warm again. “Ah here it is” Sarah exclaimed concentrating on the spell she started to say it:
objects that are wet
Where clothing and water met
Take the water away
And dry the clothes will stay
A mountainous, bright yellow light engulfed them for a moment and then vanished, leaving all of the Canaby sisters dry and warm.
“That was that” said Sarah conceitedly “now to find somewhere to stay for the night.”
“Look” said Madeline “over there, that barn”, Madeline had her finger in the direction of the barn that looked ready to fall apart.
“
In that?” “Asked Sarah” “look at it”
“
I know, but it will have to do until morning” said Madeline
The Canaby sisters started to walk up the hill, getting their feet wet from the cold dew that had formed on the grass. They were all in a line, marching up the hill to get some needed rest for the next day of travel. In finally reaching the barn the Canaby sisters found an old oil lamp that had a brass bottom and a dirty glass top. Also they found a bale of hay, which they could sleep on during the night that they were there. Other than a few stray bottles on the ground, the oil lamp, and the bale of hay the barn was completely deserted.
“Are there no blankets?” Whined Sarah
“Like I said it will have to do” said Madeline
The Canaby sisters scattered the hay across the dirt ground to make it a little more comfortable to sleep on. All three of the sisters laid on the ground trying to go to sleep when Madeline gasp, making Rose and Sarah stand up. Madeline was having another premonition, which in this case was not good because at this time of night the witch hunters were out preying on unsuspecting witches. Sarah who just wanted to be precautionary took the trunk from the pocket of her green tunic and made it to size with her hand. If she was right about what type of premonition Madeline was having she and her sisters would need help, magic help. With an exploding potion in her hand and a few healing potions in her deep pocket Sarah would be ready for anything. Madeline came back into reality and was very frightened, sweat poured down her face.
“What’s going to happen Madeline?” Said Rose frantically
A few seconds passed without a word from Madeline, she was speechless
“Madeline!” Rose held onto both of her shoulders and looked her straight in the eyes “what is going to happen?” Rose said calmly
“The, the witch hunter!” “Madeline screamed” with her finger pointing to the end of the barn where a man in brown, torn pants and a torn blue shirt stood.
“Sarah control him” yelled Rose “now!”
Sarah let out a green, sparkling beam from her eyes this time, which was where her power of control was strongest coming out of. The beam of green light hit the man then bounced off like a rubber ball hitting a wall. The man started to laugh as he pulled out a medallion from underneath of his shirt that was a silver circle with a black gem in the middle of it.
“Filthy witches, your powers don’t work when I’m wearing this little beauty, I got it from a witch I killed about a week ago who dared to come here.” Retorted the man “now it’s your turn filthy scum!”
He took out a dagger, about five inches in length, and whaled it toward Madeline, penetrating her chest.
“NOOOOO!” yelled Sarah, she took the vile of exploding potion and threw it, hitting his leg, blasting it off.
The hunter lay on the ground bleeding and knocked out from the blast, blood was strewn everywhere.
“Sarah, the healing potion, hurry!” Rose shrieked
Sarah took the vile and pulled the cork off within a seconds notice.
“I need to pull the dagger out Madeline, it’s going to hurt, I’m so sorry” said Rose
Rose took a firm grip on the handle and ripped it out of Madeline’s chest; she let out a horrid scream that could pierce a soul. Blood was spilling out of the large gash in Madeline’s chest, staining the dark blue tunic she wore.
“Give me the potion, hurry” said Rose
Sarah rushed her the potion, Rose poured the potion on Madeline’s seemingly lifeless body where the wound was. Madeline’s chest, from the potion, started to bubble and release a blue gas that vanished in the air above them. Slowly Madeline’s chest started to close and mend itself shut,
“Come on, come on” yelled Rose, as hot tears ran down her face, Madeline started to stir.
Madeline slowly opened her eyes and sat up “what just happened, is everyone alright?” Madeline said
“We should be asking you that, you almost died” said Sarah
“I did?” Madeline said “well what became of the hunter?”
“Over there” pointed Sarah, she was pointing to the lifeless corpse on the ground, that was surrounded by a pool of blood.
“How did he even find us?” Madeline said
“My guess is that when Sarah did the spell, he saw the bright light surrounding us, then from there he followed us until we were most vulnerable.” Rose said
“Well now he’s taken care of, we won’t have to worry” said Sarah
Sarah’s words couldn’t be more wrong in that moment, Madeline let out another gasp with her head looking straight up, to the roof of the barn.
“Another premonition! Please let it be good” whined Sarah
A minute passed and Madeline came to normal and told her sisters what a horrible premonition she had.
“It was horrible” said Madeline” “at least a dozen witches trapped in the house we saw, I think in a dungeon of some sort, we have to help.”
“Yes” said Sarah “we must”
“How would we go about it?” said Rose “and what if there are more hunters there?”
“We’ll have to make it up as we go, we can’t just leave them there to die” said Madeline
Going down the hill made the Canaby sisters feel as though they were on an important mission, getting the dew on them from the grass. Reaching the dusty ground at the bottom of the hill, the Canaby sisters pondered which of the three old houses kept the witches imprisoned. They chose the one that had a cellar door on the side because Madeline’s premonition showed the witches in a dungeon type area, under lock and key.
Once at the cellar door the Canaby sisters saw that it was locked with a big iron lock.
“No matter” said Sarah “I know a spell from the top of my head to get this unlocked”
Concentrating, she started the spell
Unlock the lock
Break the boundary
What keeps us out
Now lets us in
Make this lock turn to tin
The lock rattled and turned bright red making clanking sounds as it did so, with that the lock settled back to normal only this time it was opened.
Sarah opened the cellar door to find a stairway made of light brown dirt that led down into the ground for at least twenty feet. The Canaby sisters without knowing what was at the bottom, started to descend into the darkness.
“
It’s very dark” whispered Madeline
“Yeah, I know” said Rose
“Hello we’re witches duh” said Sarah “let’s use our auras to lighten this place up.”
One by one the Canaby sisters formed an orb of shining light around their hands, the result was good, but the sight was bad. The dozen witches lay behind the bars, some bleeding, some bruised, and all famished.
“Oh my goodness” cried Sarah “look at what that man did to them”
Rose and Madeline along with Sarah were speechless, they felt so helpless.
Sarah from nowhere started to say the unlocking spell one more time:
Unlock the lock
Break the boundary
What keeps us out
Now lets us in
Make this lock turn to tin
As what happened before all of the locks glowed red and began shaking, then they settled and made a thud as they hit the ground. Sarah flung open the bars and took out two vials of healing potion and uncorked them. Putting a vial in each hand she sprinkled the potion over every witch in the cage type prison. The skin of the witches bubbled, making the bruises, and cuts go away, the air from two vials of that potion, in such a confined space, turned the air blue. A minute or so passed clearing the air and with it the witches started to wake up, and the first people they saw were the Canaby sisters.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,643 Literary Works • 672,638 Reviews
Okay, good things first:
Your protagonists remain interesting, I like their personalities and the dynamic between them.
I’m really admiring your continued willingness to talk about the Canaby sister’s journey. I must say, I’m not really all that interested in Baby Chosen One, but the witch’s journey isn’t dull or cliché at all. It’s nice to see, especially since most fantasy authors wouldn’t be able to resist that pitfall, but you seem able to.
Overall, this is still a really interesting story to follow, and I’m enjoying your plotline a lot. Your protagonists are well-written, your storyline is at least now original, and your world and magic system are both very well done. There’s enormous potential in this story, and I hope I can help you bring it out. ^_^
And now for some problems….
Grammar Stuff:
On one hand, I'm glad to see you've spaced out those paragraphs and are putting some effort into your punctuation, however, you've still got a bit of work to do. Mostly, you need to remember to put a full stop at the end of your sentences, put those pesky commas in where they belong, and know where to end a sentence. You have, however, gotten much better with quotation marks and capitalization, so give yourself a little pat on the back.
Okay, once again, not perfect, but it still makes for a huge improvement when you make the effort to learn how to use punctuation properly.
Okay, paging the Department of Redundancy Department! XD ‘That would dry them off” and “that they were there” are both kinda redundant phrases, since the reader should be able to figure out that a drying spell is used to dry someone off or that they’d be sleeping on the bale of hay the night they are there, but not any other night. Never underestimate your readers, we aren’t dumb, I promise. ^_^ Well, I’m kinda dumb, but the rest of your readers aren’t. XD Also, during the scene with healing Madeline, you said “Madeline’s chest” and “the potion” waaay more often then necessary. I changed that in my grammar edit, but you might want to take note.
This is just a personal preference thing, but I think “rummaged” would be a stronger verb than “reached.”
I think the other readers have mentioned this too, but… “whaled”? I really don’t think that’s the word you’re looking for.
There were, though, kind of a lot of odd plot related problems, sorry to say. The biggest, glaring-est one is one of characterization.
From this chapter and the previous one, I get the impression that Madeline is kinda aggressive, loud, maybe a little bossy, fond of being in charge. Rose seems soft spoken and gentle. And Sarah… Sarah comes off as being quite intelligent and having good common sense behind her, but being a little immature and impulsive.
What’s wrong with these characters? Well, nothing, really. They are all very good characters with interesting traits and believable flaws. The problem is, they don’t match at all what you told us they were like in chapter one.
I’ll let you off the hook with Madeline, because the chapter didn’t say anything about her personality, but you told us Rose had the most confidence and that Sarah was the most mature. This is a dangerous pitfall with telling us a character’s traits, actually, and a good reason for you to just go back and get rid of that paragraph in chapter one. It wasn’t the best-written part of the story, anyway. Telling like that is discouraged, really.
Another thing about characters that kinda dates back to chapter one… frankly, your antagonists aren’t very strong characters at all. Both Ruby and random Witchhunter McJerk in this chapter are really one-dimensional. It’s kind of disappointing, because your protagonists are all very believable… Once again, I know you can do better. Why would developing the antagonist be important? Well, believe it or not, it is. I can’t list the number of stories I’ve gotten an interest in and kept reading because the opposition against the heroes was an interesting character. (Actually, a good third of the reason I’m watching the show I’m watching right now is because one of the second-string antagonists is interesting, well-developed, and smart.) Antagonists are people too! XD
This sentence made me realize… they didn’t bolt the door or have someone stay up to guard or anything. With or without the premonition, they’re sitting ducks. Not very smart…
How did the other witches not see him standing there?
All very well, but I thought you said she didn’t like to use it?
Wow, for someone who just had a violent near-death experience, don’t you think she might be a little too calm?
Now, I’m no doctor, but Witchhunter McJerk bled to death awful quickly and quietly, don’t you think?
Other than that, I don’t think there were any big problems.
Once again, I hope I’m not being too harsh here. Like I said above, this story has a lot of brilliant potential, but frankly, the grammar, the telling, the small plot holes… they’re all burying it. It just needs a bit of polish, that’s all.
So with that thought, I take my leave. Hopefully I’ll get a chance to work on chapter three in a little more timely a manner. ^_^
Very interesting story!
The first thing that struck me was your bad writing of the dialogue. Sorry.
The best way to learn how to do this properly is by looking in some of your favourite books and seeing how its done there. But i'll try to explain.
After the dialogue in the speech marks, you put a comma if you are going to name who said it.
E.g. "I like pie," said Xavia hungrily.
However, if the conversation is fast and you don't need to name the person, then it's a full stop (or exclamation mark) instead of a comma.
E.g. "I like pie."
If you pause for description in the middle of a person's dialogue, you put a comma before continuing.
E.g. "I like pie," said Xavia hungrily, "but sometimes it gets stuck in my teeth."
Then there is a fullstop at the end of the dialogue.
If you use a person's name straight after the speech marks, there should be a capital.
E.g. "I like pie," Xavia said.
But if you use the word instead of the name, it doesn't need a capital.
E.g. "I like pie," said Xavia.
Also, your use off commas and fullstops needs some work. Sometimes you put too many commas in one sentence instead of using a fullstop and breaking it into two sentences. I find this too difficult to explain, but i tried to correct it within your work.
Your description could be better developed, hence why I made changes and suggestions. Feel free to keep these, or completely ignore them.
I think the characters could also use some development. At the moment they are simply an aid for telling the story. If you develop their personalities, give them their own special mannerisms, way of speaking and voices they will seem more realistic and interesting.
Also you could research witch hunting in early modern europe of the salem witch trials. There is a text called the Malleus Malificarum which is a witch hunting guide written by hunters (inquisitors, as they liked to call themselves) of the fifteenth century. It was the bread and butter for the european hunters, it told them what to look for in a witch and how to identify them. They basically hated women and thought that they were all consorting with the devil, using their supernatural means to cause harm to others.
But overall i found this a very interesting story, if I didn't i wouldn't have spend so much time on it!!
Keep writing, and when I have time I'll read the rest. Don't rush. It's a great story but ive read other stories on here where people get a little to excited and rush it. Not giving it the time and care it needs can result in disaster.
Well done!! A great start!!!
Okay, now for the comments. One, there's a lot of grammar mistakes. I don't think you proofread this piece. Some of the sentences run-on, and punctuation and capitalization seem random. I think I caught most of those though, and they're minor mistakes, easily fixable.
Also, there's one major problem I caught. I can't remember which, but in the first chapter you said one of the witches had the power of always knowing. If that's the case, they would face no problems because she could tell them everything and they would never run into any trouble. In the story, they run into trouble a lot, and I'm not seeing much of her ever-knowing power. To fix this you either: make them not run into any problems because they are warned about all of them and avoid them (not a very exciting story, I would say), or give her a different power.
However, it still seems like an interesting story line with a lot of potential. I'm sorry if I sound harsh but I only want to make your story as good as it can be.
Ok, here I am! First, I must say that I hope you revised your first chapter with all those wonderful suggestions everyone gave you. I read it, and since you had so many wonderful reviews, decided to move onto your next chapters. Before moving on further, I suggest you go back to your first chapter and really fix it up as everyone suggested. Make it a really strong beginning that will make you feel super confident about the story.
You need to work on dialogue grammar. I know - it's a pain. I would suggest buying a book on writing and checking out the dialogue section. Study it until you're a master! To correct this:
"Sisters," she said, "I think we should rest a bit; let's go down and find somewhere to sleep." <--- you never ended the quotation.
If you want this sentence to flow nicely, I would suggest the "are you kidding" part to be a seperate sentence. Like: "Are you kidding, Madeline?"
Also, I think about is the wrong word to use here. When I first read it I thought you meant about as in "that's what they're a about". Try changing it "all over the place".
And, with dialogue, do not capitalized words after dialogue that are not proper nouns. "Said" should be "said".
Examples:
"Move over!" she said. (see?)
"Move over!" Anne said. (it's a name, so capitalized)
"Move over!" she huffed, pushing him herself. (not capitalized, since it's not a proper noun)
"Move over!" She pushed him aside herself. (okay, with this one, this is a whole new sentence unrelated to the dialogue. So you capitalize it. See?)
"I know that, but if we keep flying like this we may not make. We have to take the risk."
Period comes at the end of the sentence, even in dialogue.
“
agree with Madeline, Sarah lets go” Rose retorted
Typos. "I agree with Madeline, Sarah, let's go." Rose retorted. As for the use of retort here, this isn't actually a retort. Try a more appropriate word.
"That was that." said Sarah conceitedly. "Now, to find somewhere to stay for the night."
Dialogue punctuation! You need to work on it.
Grammar issues abound here. This is how the sentences should look:
"Look," said Madeline, "over there, that barn!" Madeline had her finger in the direction of the barn that looked ready to fall apart. (also, here, because you already mention that it's a barn, trying saying something like "destitute building" or "ramshackle building".
"In that?" asked Sarah. "Look at it!"
Okay, so good things! I really like the idea of three witch sisters going out and doing their thing. Very fun! I like the three girls you have here, but the problem is, I can't really tell them apart. I can't get a sense of their personalities underneath their names. And what do they look like? I don't believe you ever described them.
And it's a little fuzzy what their actual goal is. What are they trying to do? You need to clarify this in the storyline.
This was an enjoyable read.
Alright, looks like Light_Devil already got most of the mistakes. I'll just go through the rest now. But before that, let me just say that I've read what you've put up so far, and I like it, especially the spells and your description of the town.
I'm not going to go through the dialogue puntuation, since that looks like it's already been dealt with.
Just something I noticed in this that you also did in chapter one. You don't need to put quotation marks around the words asked Sarah, as well. This should read: "In that?" Asked Sarah, "Look at it!"
The last part didn't quite make sense, and you missed a couple of commas. This should read: Sarah, who just wanted to be precautionary, took the trunk from the pocket of her green tunic and (I'm just guessing here) returned it to its normal size with her hand.
Again, you don't need quotation marks around Madeline screamed.
I'm really just being pedantic here, but right now it sounds like the witch hunter's shirt is a silver circle with a black gem in the middle of it. You should change the sentence just a bit, make it more along these lines: The man started to laugh as he reached underneath his shirt and pulled out a medallion that was a silver circle with a black gem in the middle of it.
Again, I'm not quite sure what you meant here, maybe whirled or hurled?
Two things here: Firsty, in this context, it should be vial, not vile. Vile is an adjective. Secondly, it should be within a second's notice.
There's not really any problem with this sentence, just that she probably wouldn't have [i]ripped the dagger out of her chest, she probably would have eased it out or something. Ripped is a little too violent, and ripping the dagger out of her chest would have almost certainly killed her.
I'm not sure what you meant by 'as what happened', but it's not necessary here. You could just say that all of the locks glowed red and began shaking.
Again, vials, not viles. You did this a few more times in this paragraph.
One last thing, you forgot to put full stops at the end of some of the lines. Also, Sarah seemed to be the only one with proper knowledge of magic. Give the other two a turn at thinking up a spell
Aside from that, it's a good story. I can't wait to read more of it. PM me when you've written the next part.
-Billy
Okay, firstly the thing that brought this ACTUAl story to my attention was the UNCAPITALIZED title. It looked so unsuperior and naive; I realised that that was why you ahd no one else to comment.
Chapter two
Secondly the uncapitalised two of the Chapter.
The witch hunter’s town
Thirdly the uncapatilized words of the name of your first chapter. ARGHH! It burns! Please, if you capatilize things, it makes it much more easier on the eyes.
The midnight air was cool and crisp as the Canaby sisters flew high above the clouds. They had been flying silently for at least an hour when Madeline broke the silence “sisters” she said “I think we should rest a bit, let’s go down and find somewhere to sleep.
“Are you kidding Madeline, witch hunters are about this time of night, finding and torturing innocent witches.” Said Sarah
“I know that but if we keep flying like this we may not make it, we have to take the risk” Madeline debated, There is a huge space here for somereason with only a "
“
agree with Madeline, Sarah lets go” Rose retorted
Fourthly, what's is with all this spacing, it looks kind of strange, why is it so far apart? It's like reading this:
The other day I went to the park and ate a donut.
It was brown and tasted like chocolate.
Madeline and Rose dove through the thick layers of clouds descending fast, Sarah reluctantly followed. Going through the clouds was bad judgment because it made them wet with rain water and as they descended they became cold. Finally reaching the dusty ground the Canaby sisters looked around seeing a dusty road, an old breaking down barn on a hill, and a couple of old houses with torches around them, giving enough light to let them see where they were going.
“ Again with the ', what is this about?
I think we should get ourselves dried off before we get sick a fullstop or comma is needed here” said Madeline
“Oh wait, I have a spell in my spell book to do that Fullstop or comma.” Sarah said
Sarah took the shrunken trunk and made it normal size with a wave of her hand and reached through her clothing and got her spell book.
Flipping through her book she looked for an instant drying spell that could dry them off so they could be warm again. “Ah here it is Fullstop or comma” Sarah exclaimed concentrating on the spell she started to say it:
Should be capatilized, as is the beginning of a sentence objects that are wet
Where clothing and water met
Take the water away
And dry the clothes will stay
A mountainous, bright yellow light engulfed them for a moment and then vanished, leaving all of the Canaby sisters dry and warm.
“That was that Fullstop or comma” said Sarah conceitedly “A comma is needed here. now to find somewhere to stay for the night.”
“Look OKay the VERY last time I am going to write this, you need a comma or a fullstop, questionmark or exclamation mark at the end of a sentence that has been said!” said Madeline “over there, that barn”, Madeline had her finger in the direction of the barn that looked ready to fall apart.
“
Uhh there is a space here for some reason, was this unintentional?
In that?” “Asked Sarah” “NEVER FORGET to capitalize your letters! look at it”
Space?
“
Space?
I know, but it will have to do until morning” said Madeline
The Canaby sisters started to walk up the hill, getting their feet wet from the cold dew that had formed on the grass. They were all in a line, marching up the hill to get some needed rest for the next day of travel. In finally reaching the barn the Canaby sisters found an old oil lamp that had a brass bottom and a dirty glass top. Also they found a bale of hay, which they could sleep on during the night that they were there. Other than a few stray bottles on the ground, the oil lamp, and the bale of hay the barn was completely deserted.
“Are there no blankets?” You have a capital here WHEN it is not needed! ^^ Whined Sarah Don't forget the fullstops on th end of sentences, they ARE always needed.
“Like I said it will have to do . or , ” said Madeline
The Canaby sisters scattered the hay across the dirt ground to make it a little more comfortable to sleep on. All three of the sisters laid on the ground trying to go to sleep when Madeline gasp, making Rose and Sarah stand up. Madeline was having another premonition, which in this case was not good because at this time of night the witch hunters were out preying on unsuspecting witches. Sarah who just wanted to be precautionary took the trunk from the pocket of her green tunic and made it to size with her hand. If she was right about what type of premonition Madeline was having she and her sisters would need help, magic help. With an exploding potion in her hand and a few healing potions in her deep pocket Sarah would be ready for anything. Madeline came back into reality and was very frightened, sweat poured down her face. This is an extremely long paragraph, try breaking it up a bit.
“What’s going to happen Madeline?” Capitalisation is not needed here.Said Rose frantically . or ,
A few seconds passed without a word from Madeline, she was speechless . or ,
This space is not needed.
These space is not needed.
“Madeline!” Rose held onto both of her shoulders and looked her straight in the eyes “Capital.what is going to happen?” Rose said calmly
“The, the witch hunter!” Why are there speech amrks here “Madeline screamed”[/i[ and here for?[i] with her finger pointing to the end of the barn where a man in brown, torn pants and a torn blue shirt stood.
“Sarah control him . or , ” yelled Rose “Capital now!”
Sarah let out a green, sparkling beam from her eyes this time, which was where her power of control was strongest coming out of. The beam of green light hit the man then bounced off like a rubber ball hitting a wall. The man started to laugh as he pulled out a medallion from underneath of his shirt that was a silver circle with a black gem in the middle of it.
“Filthy witches, your powers don’t work when I’m wearing this little beauty, I got it from a witch I killed about a week ago who dared to come here.” Retorted the man “now it’s your turn filthy scum!”
He took out a dagger, about five inches in length, and whaled it toward Madeline, penetrating her chest.
“NOOOOO!” yelled Sarah, Proably should be a fullstop and new sentence she took the vile of exploding potion and threw it, hitting his leg, blasting it off.
The hunter lay on the ground bleeding and knocked out from the blast,[/]Should broken up with a semi-colon ; not comma[i] blood was strewn everywhere.
“Sarah, the healing potion, hurry!” Rose shrieked Never forget fullstops.
Sarah took the vile and pulled the cork off within a seconds notice.
“I need to pull the dagger out Madeline, it’s going to hurt, I’m so sorry . or , ” said Rose Fullstop
Rose took a firm grip on the handle and ripped it out of Madeline’s chest; she let out a horrid scream that could pierce a soul. Blood was spilling out of the large gash in Madeline’s chest, staining the dark blue tunic she wore.
“Give me the potion, hurry . or , ” said Rose Fullstop
Sarah rushed her the potion, Rose poured the potion on Madeline’s seemingly lifeless body where the wound was. Madeline’s chest, from the potion, started to bubble and release a blue gas that vanished in the air above them. Slowly Madeline’s chest started to close and mend itself shut,
“Come on, come on , or . ” yelled Rose, as hot tears ran down her face, Madeline started to stir.
Madeline slowly opened her eyes and sat up “what just happened, is everyone alright?” Madeline said Comma needed here.
Space not needed
Space not needed
“We should be asking you that, you almost died” said Sarah
“I did?” Madeline said A comma is needed here “Capital. well what became of the hunter?”
“Over there , or . ” pointed Sarah, she was pointing to the lifeless corpse on the ground, that was surrounded by a pool of blood.
“How did he even find us?” Madeline said Fullstop
“My guess is that when Sarah did the spell, he saw the bright light surrounding us, then from there he followed us until we were most vulnerable.” Rose said Fullstop
“Well now he’s taken care of, we won’t have to worry” said Sarah Fullstop
Sarah’s words couldn’t be more wrong in that moment, Madeline let out another gasp with her head looking straight up, to the roof of the barn.
“Another premonition! Please let it be good Comma is needed” whined Sarah Fullstop
A minute passed and Madeline came to normal and told her sisters what a horrible premonition she had.
“It was horrible Comma” said Madeline Why are there two speech marks?” “at least a dozen witches trapped in the house we saw, I think in a dungeon of some sort, we have to help.”
“Yes Comma” said Sarah Comma “Capital we must”
“How would we go about it?” said Rose “Capital and what if there are more hunters there?”
“We’ll have to make it up as we go, we can’t just leave them there to die Comma or fullstop” said Madeline
Going down the hill made the Canaby sisters feel as though they were on an important mission, getting the dew on them from the grass. Reaching the dusty ground at the bottom of the hill, the Canaby sisters pondered which of the three old houses kept the witches imprisoned. They chose the one that had a cellar door on the side because Madeline’s premonition showed the witches in a dungeon type area, under lock and key.
Once at the cellar door the Canaby sisters saw that it was locked with a big iron lock.
“No matter Comma or fullstop” said SarahComma “I know a spell from the top of my head to get this unlocked”
Concentrating, she started the spell
Unlock the lock
Break the boundary
What keeps us out
Now lets us in
Make this lock turn to tin
The lock rattled and turned bright red making clanking sounds as it did so, with that the lock settled back to normal only this time it was opened.
Sarah opened the cellar door to find a stairway made of light brown dirt that led down into the ground for at least twenty feet. The Canaby sisters without knowing what was at the bottom, started to descend into the darkness.
“ Are these " typos?
It’s very dark” whispered Madeline Fullstop
“Yeah, I know Comma i” said Rose Fullstop
“Hello we’re witches duh Comma or fullstop” said SarahComma “Capital let’s use our auras to lighten this place up.”
One by one the Canaby sisters formed an orb of shining light around their hands, the result was good, but the sight was bad. The dozen witches lay behind the bars, some bleeding, some bruised, and all famished.
“Oh my goodness Comma” cried Sarah “Capitallook at what that man did to them Fullstop”
Rose and Madeline along with Sarah were speechless, they felt so helpless.
Sarah from nowhere started to say the unlocking spell one more time:
Unlock the lock
Break the boundary
What keeps us out
Now lets us in
Make this lock turn to tin
As what happened before all of the locks glowed red and began shaking, then they settled and made a thud as they hit the ground. Sarah flung open the bars and took out two viles of healing potion and un corked them. Putting a vile in each hand she sprinkled the potion over every witch in the cage type prison. The skin of the witches bubbled, making the bruises, and cuts go away, the air from two viles of that potion, in such a confined space, turned the air blue. A minute or so passed clearing the air and with it the witches started to wake up, and the first people they saw were the Canaby sisters.Extremely long pragraph, break it up.[i]
And that is all the mistakes I can find, if there are some repetitive ones please be sure to fix up some I have missed.
Remember speaking must be like this;
"Hello?" she called out into the dark, "Who's there?"
Just an example I hoped this helped! ^^
Hiyas!!! It's me again, well, here we go!!!
Firstly, you're still having trouble using quotes correctly, just put this into Word and go to grammar check to correct it.
Secondly, in the last paragraph, uncorked is one word.
"Finally reaching the dusty ground the Canaby sisters looked around seeing a dusty road, an old breaking down barn on a hill, and a couple of old houses with torches around them, giving enough light to let them see where they were going."
Thirdly, here I feel that you should get rid of one "dusty," It's too repetitive here.
Well, that's it!!!