Well, here we have another chapter! Not bad at all, I thought your magical artifacts seemed interesting and original, and I really like your characters and world. I think it’s really clear that you care a lot about this story and the people in it, and I’m glad I have the chance to help you polish it up.
As for the actual writing, once again, nice work! Though I still had to do some grammar edits on this, a lot of what I edited was rephrasing awkward sentences or things of that like. In other words, basically I was able to get past your grammar problems and really look at the actual writing, so congratulations! You’re still making progress.
My inserts are, as always, in bold. You might want to read this one through, because I removed a few really redundant phrases as well:
Chapter Five
Future Meeting, a Power Switch, and a Cold Cave
The Canaby sisters started to descend from the sky around midday, diving to the ground below. As they descended, they could see a seemingly small lake with fields of grass surrounding it. They also saw a small mountain that was shaped like a rigid tooth sticking out from the ground.
The Canaby sisters landed by the lake and took out their trunks and made them to size to change their clothes. Madeline took off her bloodstained tunic from the day before and changed into a white and blue tunic that lay at the top of her trunk.
Rose changed into a red jumper suit that made her look big and inflated and Sarah just changed her tunic from a dark green one to a light green one. Sarah then took out all of the gifts that the witches had given them in the night before and laid them out on a towel that lay on the ground.
“What are you doing?” Madeline asked
“Well I just think that we should learn how to use them,” Sarah said, “and since these are our only tools to ward off any danger, I think if we know how to use them right, then we can increase our chances of survival.”
“You’re right,” admitted Madeline.
They sat in triangular form on the ground surrounding the pile of miscellaneous objects. Madeline picked up a palm-sized glass ball that seemed to have a blue smoke swirling in it, and then it started to swirl faster.
“What is this?” Madeline said.
“I don’t know, but I think we should all hold on to it so we can all experience what it will do” Rose said.
The Canaby sisters touched the glass ball as it swirled faster, so fast that it was one solid color inside instead of a few strands of blue. Just then, a blinding yellow light expanded from the glass ball, engulfing them. They all screamed as a swooshing sound surrounded them, they felt as though they were in a vortex that was spinning out of control. Then it all stopped and they were right where they were before; but now they weren’t alone. They came face to face with themselves.
The past Canaby sisters stood up from the grass quickly, in shock, wondering why they were looking at their selves.
“Who are you?” Past Madeline said.
“Apparently, you,” Madeline said.
“But how….” Past Sarah said.
“We were going through the gifts that we got, and Madeline came across a glass ball that just started to swirl and glow, so we all held on and now we’re here, five minutes in the past.” Rose said breathlessly.
“Oh, well, how do you get back?” Past Rose said.
“I don’t know, maybe if we all hold on to it again it will reverse itself?” guessed Rose.
The future Canaby sisters held on to the glass ball, and, like Rose guessed it started to swirl and make a swooshing noise around them. The past Canaby sisters watched the future Canaby sisters get engulfed in the blinding, yellow light, then vanish. As the Canaby sisters traveled through time chills went up their back, they were shot through a portal five feet in the air and landed with a thud.
“Ouch!” shrieked Madeline, “I don’t want to do that again.”
“It was weird, wasn’t it?” Sarah said.
“It was, and I never noticed that I was so pale,” Rose laughed.
The Canaby sisters went back to the gifts and put the time ball, as they called it, away in the trunk. Sitting around the objects again, they picked up a metal, flat triangle that had power insignias on each point and the word “power” engraved in the middle. They each instinctively pinched a corner of it, and as they did so, the power insignias glowed. In fright, they dropped it on the other gifts making a metal-to-metal clanking sound.
The triangle started to levitate in the air slowly and spin as the Canaby sisters stood up, it rose in the middle of them until it reached the center point of their heads.
The triangle started to spin slowly, then faster and faster until it looked like a circle disc floating in the air. Then the Canaby sisters felt dizzy and slowly went down on the ground, just then the Canaby’s magic came out of their stomachs in a swirling blue, green, and red sparkling light.
Each power went into one of the corners and with that the triangle began to spin even faster, making a buzzing noise in the air. The Canaby sisters laid half alert in the grass, feeling sick to their stomachs, wondering what was going to happen to them.
The triangle’s tips shot out each of their powers, but in a different person’s body, giving each of the sisters the other sister’s power, not their own. The triangle came to a halt and fell on the ground, and the Canaby sisters were knocked out.
A couple of hours later, when the moon started to rise and the sun started to go down, Sarah woke to find her sisters still asleep. She went over to them and shook them and called out their names until they woke with her.
“What happened Rose?” Madeline asked. “ Use your power to tell us what that thing did to us.”
“Hold on,” Rose said.
Rose closed her eyes, as she usually did when she looked for an answer, then she opened them with a scared look on her face.
“What’s wrong, what did it do to us?” Madeline asked.
“I… I don’t know,” Rose said shocked, being that her power was knowing.
“I think I do,” said Sarah, “that thing is called a power switcher, and it swaps the powers of witches for twelve hours. I think I have Rose’s power because I don’t know how I would know that without the power of knowing.”
“Then whose power do I have?” Rose said, frustrated.
Sarah closed her eyes and came up with the answer that Madeline now had the power of control, and Rose had the power of premonition.
“What if something attacks us?” said Rose “We don’t know how to use each other’s powers.”
“I don’t think we will have to worry, this place is completely devoid of human life other than our own” Sarah said.
“Well, its getting dark, I think we should fly up to the mountain and try and find somewhere to sleep,” said Madeline.
“Why do we have to do that?” said Rose. “Why can’t we stay here?”
“Well if your power tells me right, then it’s going to get really cold, and we haven’t any blankets or any form of shelter to keep us dry,” said Sarah. “I know there’s an empty cave is on the other side of mountain but it’s all too fuzzy to tell with your power. I know that there is one, but I can’t tell where.”
“Well, just try, think hard and visualize the cave you know is there and it will all come together,” Rose advised.
“Ok, I’ll try,” Sarah said,
Sarah closed her eyes and focused on where the cave was and what it looked like, a minute later she opened them with victorious delight.
“I know where it is, let’s pack up our things and hurry, because I think it’s going to rain soon,” Sarah said.
The Canaby sisters put all of the miscellaneous magical objects into their trunks, careful not to activate one by accident. They shrunk them down and put them into their pockets and, as they did so, a cold breeze hit them, making them get chills. The tall grass was getting wet and cold from the little sprinkles of rain that fell from the sky, which was getting darker and darker with time. The Canaby sisters took their flying staffs in hand and without them having to do anything, that put up a force field round them, keeping them dry.
They soared upward into the air, following Sarah to the cave as a bolt of lightning brightened the whole area for a moment. They were nearing the cave when Sarah stopped in mid-flight, making Madeline and Rose go past her. Madeline and Rose turned around and asked her what she was doing and she responded by saying “I forgot where it was, hold on.” So they waited and waited as thunder rumbled in the sky for Sarah to remember, then all of a sudden,
“Oh I know, follow me,” Sarah said whizzing past them.
Madeline and Rose followed Sarah all the way to the cave that was really just a hole in the mountain. They had a little landing area just outside of the cave, filled with rocks that made it hard for them to land. Huge boulders sat on top of the cave also, threatening to fall on them. The Canaby sisters walked around the rubble to get inside the small opening of the cave.
“Couldn’t you see a better cave?” Rose asked.
“Well, this is your power, and I can’t use it as well as you can,” Sarah whined.
“It’ll have to do until morning when we leave,” Madeline interrupted.
Inside of the cave, the walls were cracked and water seeped through them, the ground was cold and damp, and bugs lived towards the top, crawling around. The Canaby sisters moved the rocks to the side of the cave walls to make room for them to sleep for the night, and a cold one it would be. The sisters got out their trunks and opened them up to find something to make it warmer inside of the cave, and when that didn’t work, they relied on their magic.
“Sarah, do you know a sealing spell?” Madeline asked.
“Yes, but why?” Sarah said.
“Because you can seal off the cave entrance to stop the breeze,” Madeline said.
“Ok, here it goes,” said Sarah.
Block out
Block in
Close off
Seal in
Make the entrance
Close off within
An almost clear force shot out of Sarah’s hand and formed around the cave entrance, making the outside noise and cold stay out. And with another request from Madeline that Sarah perform a air-warming spell, they would go to sleep.
“Hurry, its cold in here, do the spell,” Madeline said.
“Yes, right away,” Sarah said sarcastically.
The air is cold
Release its hold
Warm the air
From cold to warm
Make this air
Warm with care
The air around them started to make a vortex of a gusty wind that was cold but then turned warm, making the Canaby sisters get goose bumps and feel relieved, but tired. The lightning and the rain outside were still going strong when the Canaby sisters got their first good night’s sleep in many days
I didn’t have much to say about plot problems, either, just a couple small things:
“Well its getting dark, I think we should fly up to the mountain and try and find somewhere to sleep.” Said Madeline
“Why do we have to do that?” said Rose “why can’t we stay here”
“Well if your power tells me right then it’s going to get really cold and we haven’t any blankets or any form of shelter to keep us dry.” Said Sarah “I know there’s an empty cave is on the other side of mountain but it’s all too fuzzy to tell with your power, I know that there is one but I can’t tell where.”
All very well, but how did Madeline know about this?
I was also kind of disappointed with the power switch scenario; it looked like a really great opportunity to show us the differences between the sister’s personalities and the conflicts in the way they do things. Specifically, I was thinking about the power of control; curious to see how the more belligerent and brash Madeline deals with that sort of power. You said the only reason it didn’t corrupt Sarah was her maturity, so I was wondering how it might affect Madeline, if they should, say, get into a fight with something. Would she be able to resist temptation and use Sarah’s power responsibly? Eh, just an idea.
Anyway, nice job with this, and I’m looking forward to whatever comes next!
). Pm me when the next part's done, I'll try and go over that one faster than I did this one.
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