Hi there!
Not a bad chapter. This one had a lot more work in character and plot development than the others, and I must say I’m enjoying this. Your characters are starting to take clearer form, and I’m immensely grateful that you’re not making us hang out with Baby Chosen One yet; it gives you major originality points.
Well, you just keep getting better at this! Your grammar is much better this time around; glance back at that first chapter and look how far you’ve come. This let me focus more on phrasing and even *gasp* plot and characterization in my critique, rather than just sticking in your commas for you. So once again, congratulations!
Okay, my insertions are in bold as always.
Chapter Four
The Village With a Mystery
The Canaby sisters landed in a shanty village, a village like they’ve never seen before. Witches and wizards roamed the cobblestone alleys without care, because it was a village made up of only magical people. The sisters saw a shop with a wooden sign which read Mary's Witchcrafting Needs.
The window was dirty around the sides and had cobwebs that had formed around the corners. Inside, a few scented candles burned on pedestals, witches and wizards looked at the merchandise that lay on tables covered with red velvet cloth. The witch who ran the place, Mary, was a thin older woman around forty, who wore a green and white robe with a pair of thick, half-moon spectacles perched on her long, pointy noise. Mary stood behind a wooden, medium sized desk that came to her waist, and she started to walk around to where the Canaby sisters were.
“I don’t believe I recognize you three. My name is Mary” she said “Is there anything I can help you with?”
“No, but thanks,” said Rose, “my sisters and I were just looking around and
this shop looked interesting.”
“Well thank you, I try.” Mary blushed. “You know, you guys look like you could use some good eating, why don’t you and your sisters go across the street to The Witch’s Tentacle? Just go on over and ask for a lady by the name of Gellie, she’ll serve you something mean and delicious.”
“Thanks, but we haven’t any money” said Madeline.
“Oh well that’s just fine, go on over and say it’s on me,” Mary insisted.
“Really?” Sarah said, “We couldn’t.”
“ No no no, you just go over and go get something to eat,” Mary ordered.
“Are you sure?” inquired Madeline.
“Yes, I mean what I say and I say what I mean, I’ve got the money by the handfuls, don’t you worry.” Mary said.
“Thank you so much Mary, how can we repay you?” said Rose.
“You three wonderful young witches just come over and say goodbye when you’re about to leave.” Mary said.
From that, the Canaby sisters walked outside, breathing in the fresh air that surrounded them. Being there, in that village, the Canaby sisters felt like they belonged there, liked they fit in. They walked across the mismatched cobblestone road that led to a building that had a sign hanging off the side reading The Witch’s Tentacle.
As the Canaby sisters opened the door a bell from above dinged, making all of the people inside stop to look who was there.
“Is there a person by the name of Gellie in here?” Madeline said bravely.
“Yeah, who wants to know?” said an older witch.
“Well, Mary from the store across the road said to come over, and a person by the name of Gellie would serve us,” said Rose.
“You were correct,” said Gellie “I just ask because I didn’t recognize you and you never know what strangers these days can do, you know.”
“We know what strangers can do these days,” Madeline said.
Gellie laughed, as if to say, “You don’t know what people can do unless you’ve lived as long as I have.” She went back into the back room as she told the sisters to have a seat. The Canaby sisters found an empty table with a white cloth draped over it, and they sat down. As they talked of how nice the village was, Gellie walked towards them and waved her arm making three glasses pop in front of them, frightening them.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” laughed Gellie. “I thought you would be used to magic just popping everywhere.”
“Oh, it’s fine, Gellie,” said Madeline, “It just startled us is all.”
“Well o.k., what can I get you three to eat?” said Gellie.
“Is there some type of menu that we can look at?” inquired Madeline.
“A menu?” said Gellie, “We don’t have menus.”
“Then how…” Madeline tried to say.
Gellie took her hand and waved it across the faces of the Canaby sisters as though she had scanned their taste buds.
“I’ll be right back with your meals,” Gellie said.
She vanished behind the kitchen doors and left the sisters with everyone else that was in the pub. In the far corner, there was a young boy making his fork levitate with his fingers, he had blond hair and blue, innocent-looking eyes. Someone who looked like he could be the young boy’s father snapped his fingers, making the fork vanish in thin air as he told him he shouldn’t play with his powers because he couldn’t control them fully.
In the middle, an old man with long white hair ate his food silently, looking blankly to the wall. Next to him was a round table at which sat a group of young witches, they giggled and blushed when a wizard, by the name of Xander, according to his name tag, came over to serve them their hot drinks and salads. Xander was around twenty, Madeline guessed, and she, too, blushed a little when he came near.
Madeline’s instant attraction to Xander was very unusual, her sisters thought, but as they began to talk about it, Gellie came out with a platter of food starting in their direction.
“Here we are,” said Gellie. She sat the platter in midair, took the steaming hot plates off of it, and put them on the table. Gellie sat in the empty chair next to Rose and started to talk with the Canaby sisters.
“I haven’t seen you three use any magic?” questioned Gellie.
“Well I, we, don’t like to use them unless we need to,” said Rose, “that way we don’t become dependent on them.”
“Oh,” said Gellie, “well, what are your powers?” she questioned.
“I have the power of premonition,” said Madeline.
“I have the power of knowing,” said Rose.
“And I have the power of control,” said Sarah.
Gellie began to giggle and smirk, looking at the Canaby sisters.
“What’s so funny?” Madeline asked.
“Ahh,” she breathed out, "If my prophetical brain is right, you three would have to be the Canaby sisters,” she laughed some more “But you three couldn’t be, because the legendary Canaby sisters are said to be great and…..”
“Are you saying that we are lowly witches?” Madeline inquired harshly.
“Oh no no no,” Gellie apologized quickly, “What I meant is that the great Canaby sisters, at least by what is said in the prophecy, are told to have been extremely powerful witches, having those powers.” she said, “Also, in this prophecy the Canaby sisters die from giving up their powers, just like any witch or wizard who would give up their power. {b]Anyways,[/b] it’s probably just coincidence that you three have that power. I mean, what are the odds?”
“We would die from giving up our powers?” asked Madeline.
“Why would you worry? I said the Canaby sisters.”
“Whether you believe it or not, we are the Canaby witches,” said Sarah, “The Canaby blood runs strong through our veins,” she shouted, getting impatient.
“Oh my goodness,” Gellie said, “you three are truly the great ones?”
“Yes, Gellie, we didn’t think it was big deal to be the Canaby sisters, we don’t even know what we’re doing half of the time.”
“I’ve read all of the prophecies on the Canaby witches and...” she paused “...and I just can’t believe I met you three, I am sorry for doubting you, please forgive, me your greatnesses.”
The Canaby sisters watched as Gellie bowed and got on her knees, begging for forgiveness. They were shocked and embarrassed as people stopped eating to look at them, even the old wizard looked up from the wall to see what was going on.
“Gellie, get up, its o.k.” said Madeline.
“Yes your greatness, whatever you wish,” Gellie said.
“Gellie stop acting like this, we're no different from you,” Rose said.
“You’re just being modest,” Gellie cried.
“No, no we’re not, Gellie,” Madeline hoped that she would stop.
A crowd had formed around the outside window and a couple of people came in to see what the commotion was. The Canaby sisters stood shocked at what their presence could do. Sarah regretted making Gellie believe that they truly were the Canaby witches; frankly, they didn’t even know how popular they were.
With Gellie bowing down to them and everyone looking at them, they just wanted to leave. They made their way to the door, dinging the bell as they opened it up and walked out. The crowd outside engulfed them, asking, “Is it true? Are you the great Canaby witches?”
Mary came up to them and said, “Here, come with me, in my shop. Hurry now.”
The Canaby sisters followed Mary into her shop as she closed the door and did some magical enchantment to make a barrier of white light shoot from her hand. They stood there, watching until she was done.
“So it’s true, the great ones have started their great journey,” Mary said, “but I must keep you safe, you don’t understand right now.”
“What don’t we understand?” said Madeline.
“You three aren’t ready to hear just yet, but you will be,” said Mary.
Mary stopped talking and went behind her wooden desk and began to say a spell:
Hidden secrets reveal
Time for it to unseal
Make the hidden see
My magic is the key
It seemed like a jet of blue water erupted from her hand, getting the floor wet, making a stairway to a grassy field. Madeline, Rose, and Sarah looked at it for a second with amazement, as Mary told them to climb down into it.
“Hurry, you three mustn’t stay here, I know what happens. And you three... let’s just say, you won’t be happy,” Mary said, “Here, take some of my things for your journey, here is a knock out stone, when it touches the skin of someone it knocks them out for ten minutes. Also, take these magic wands, you three might not be used to them but they help in controlling your power and they enhance them, they also help in spells. And lastly, this,” she held up a small, iron box. “Inside this box is a glass orb filled with... well, it’ll be a surprise,” she smiled, “Use it when you need to get away.”
The Canaby sisters thanked her for the gifts and put them in their trunks, when they heard a big boom on the side of the building.
“What’s going on?” Madeline shrieked.
“Hurry down the steps!” Mary yelled.
Mary went through the liquid portal way in the ground, and the Canaby sisters followed. They made it down the enchanted white stairs very quickly, putting themselves on the green, grassy field. White clouds where overhead, and the sun shone through them.
“Where are we?” said Madeline, a little calmer.
“We’re on the outside of the village,” Mary said.
“Who we’re those people trying to get to us?” said Rose.
“It doesn’t matter,” said Mary, “but you three must leave, one day I’ll explain it all.”
“But how?” Madeline inquired. “Won’t we die?”
“Hurry, there’s no time to waste,” said Mary, “Just trust me.”
With that, the Canaby sisters took off on their flying staffs, leaving Mary by herself on the ground and the village they thought they liked. Although... while in the sky, the Canaby sisters wanted to know more, more about their journey to help them along.
They wished that Mary, who knew so much about their future, could have come with them to sort out all of the enigmas that lay in their path. But, as they flew away, they knew they would have to do it alone.
The good news is, this one had relatively few plot issues. The big thing I noticed in this chapter was that I didn’t really get the sense of danger from the town you seem to want us to get. It was like… okay, they’re being attacked by their crazy rabid fangirls/boys… so? But then, you go on with everyone trying to escape, and then Rose wants to know why everyone is trying to “get” them, which left me a little baffled. I think it might help a bit if you made the crowd seem a bit more dangerous. But, eh, that’s just me.
The Canaby sisters landed in a shanty village, it was a village like they’ve never seen before, witches and wizards roamed the cobble stone alleys without care, it was a village made up of only magical people. The sisters saw a shop with a wooden sign which read Mary's Witchcrafting Needs
Also, I’m not really getting a sense of place from this. I think you should show us a bit more about the village, because right now, I can’t really see it. Obviously, you don’t want to over-describe, but I still think we could use a little more info. This would help you create a mood, too. Is this a sunny, happy village with people skipping through the streets and kids jumping rope in front of the houses? Or do the villagers have shuffling walks and keep their heads down, and look on the sisters with a suspicious glance because they don’t recognize them?
Gellie laughed, as if to say you don’t know what people can do unless you’ve lived as long as I have.
That’s… one specific laugh, right there. How about just having her say it?
“I’ve read all of the prophecies on the Canaby witches and” she paused “and I just can’t believe I met you three, I am sorry for doubting you, please forgive me your greatnesses.
Does she really have a reason to believe what they say?
Also, I think we need to talk about the word “said.”
It’s not a bad word. It’s really not. If you don’t believe me, this article from the lovely Snoink sums it up better and more succinctly than I ever could: viewarticlebody.php?t=19450. Just as a general rule, though, don’t use “apologized” as a substitute for “said.” A… certain other, published young author did that before, and “’I’m sorry,’ apologized______.” Is still a running joke among those who aren’t so fond of his story.
Otherwise, not a bad chapter. I liked how this one gave us a little more development of the sisters’ characters, instead of just random fights. It seems like your plot is developing rather well, and I’m glad that we’re still not stuck with the chosen one!
See you next chapter! ^_^
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Reviews: 260
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