Chapter Ten
Childhood
“Hey maddie, Maddie!” Sarah played “Look at Ruby’s wand, come look!”
“I don’t want to, I want see if I can get another dream thing!” Madeline whispered. “I have to be quiet I think, shh.”
She sat in the grass with a blue and white-frilled dress, sitting quietly. She put her little hands in her lap and closed her eyes, squeezing them.
“Give it up Maddie, Mom says you’ll get it soon enough.” Rose retorted
“Shh!” Madeline vocalized, still quiet in concentration.
Rose’s red locks fell to her shoulders and she walked away in a tattling stride.
“Mama,” Rose yelled. “Tell maddie To stop trying like you said!”
Madeline opened her eyes and stood up, 3 feet and all.
“No!” Madeline cried “Don’t tell!”
“To late to late,” Rose taunted
“Now, girls.” Helen, their mother said. “Let’s not fight, And don’t taunt Madeline for not being able to use her powers yet.”
“I knew you would say that.” Rose teased, looking shyly at Madeline as if to taunt her right under her
mother’s nose.
“Mom!” Madeline Whined “She did it again!”
“Hey, I said stop it.” Helen warned. “You know that Mommy is sick, right? I would appreciate your help.”
“Okay, were sorry.” They apologized
“Come look at Ruby’s new wand!” Sarah shouted again
Giving up, they walked to where Ruby was at, playing with her new, jet black wand. She laughed an innocent laugh and she waved it in the air, making golden sparks fly out of the end.
“Isn’t it cool?” Ruby Giggled
“Mine’s cooler.” Madeline reassured, lifting up her light blue one.
“Really?” Ruby Glared. “Well if yours is so much cooler, can it do this?”
She raised it straight in the air and yelled, “Greenio transformio!” The end of her wand glowed green. She walked slowly, her eyes narrowed on the tip, She went to a tree and tapped it’s trunk.
It began to crack and fall towards Ruby and the Canaby sisters. They all screamed.
“Oh!” Helen shrieked, lifting out her hands.
She started to wiggle her fingers rapidly and shouted, “Levitatu Maximus!” A yellow pair of large hands shot from her hands and grasp the tree in mid fall. Helen’s hands were in a grasping motion and then she lifted them up, lifting the yellow ones. An electrifying sound crackled through them and she threw
the tree with a grunt, away from them.
She looked at the children in anger, her eyes flamed in terror. Ruby cowered on the ground in shock, beginning to cry.
“Ruby,” Helen shouted. “What did I tell you about using magic? What did I tell you all about using magic?”
She started to walk to where they were cowering. Madeline was standing up and she wanted to run, but didn’t. Rose stood wide eyed, afraid of her mother’s wrath. Sarah, who had some control over her powers, surrounded herself in an orb of weak green light. Ruby was petrified, she didn’t mean for it to happen.
“I-I’m sorry Aunt Helen, I didn’t mean too.” Ruby cried. “Are you going to send me away?”
“No Ruby, I would never do that,” Helen reassured. “You’ll always be safe here. I just need you, all of you, to listen to me. I’m not long for this world and I need to be strong for you guys.”
“Are you going to take my wand?” Ruby questioned.
“No, I won’t take your wand.” Helen said “But…”
She motioned the girls to gather in a circle and sit.
“You guys have been using your powers very un-responsibly, you don’t listen to me, and so I will have to take them until you can.” Helen Said
“No! They shouted.
“Mama please,” Madeline begged.
“There is no use in pleading.” Helen said “Now gather around”
“Sarah!” Madeline yelled “Surround us in your light!”
Helen looked at Sarah with wide eyes. She started to move for them and they screamed.
Sarah surrounded them in her force field and they looked at the seemingly Green world around them. Their mother was shouting and telling Sarah to put it down. Sarah didn’t dare release her power, she was afraid of what her mother would do.
“Fine, have it your way.” Helen smiled. “Shatia Maximas”
Her fist glowed a metallic silver and she warned the children once more. She then put her fist in the air and blasted it against Sarah’s force field, shattering it.
She said another spell, “Tininio” And clear ropes shot from her hand. The ropes tied themselves to their hands and bind them. They fell to the ground, their legs bound too.
“What am I going to do with you guys, you’re too mischievous. You girls are out of control, you’re always into something! Frank, Get out here!” Helen shouted.
He appeared in a puff of blue smoke right next to Helen, scaring her.
“You have to stop that!” Helen gasp.
The girls giggled.
“Take their powers away.” Helen said.
“Why?” Frank questioned.
Helen told him of the tree and how it almost crushed them, how they are too mischievous and unworthy of them.
“Girls, listen to your mother.” Frank, their father, Ruby’s uncle said. “She needs you to behave, and if you can’t then…”
“Just take them!” Helen said
The girls lay on the ground, still bound with rope.
“No, dad, don’t!” Sarah pleaded
Please Uncle Frank, Don’t take them, I don’t even know what mine is yet!” Ruby cried
“Sorry girls.” Frank Said.
He waved his hand over them and absorbed their little powers in his hand, all shining different colors.
He closed his hand and they vanished.
The ropes that tied them up, vanished and they stood up in shock that their father had actually did it. They ran to his leg and pleaded for him to give them back.
“You guys don’t even know how to use them correctly, However now that I have them, I can teach you.
When you are ready for it, I will give them back to you.” Frank said
“Okay.” Madeline agreed, only because she didn’t know how to use hers yet.
“Oh,” Helen said, putting her palm to her forehead. “I don’t feel well.”
“Here, sit down, I’ll summon a healer.” Frank said
“No, I’m sick of the little potions that let me go for one more day, Just…” Helen tried to say.
Helen fainted and fell, but Frank caught her.
“Girls, go in the house and get me a healing potion,” Frank panted. “Hurry!”
The Canaby sisters and Ruby ran into the house as fast as their little feet could take them. They knew where to go, this was no rare experience. Helen had been sick for almost a year and the Canaby sisters knew that she was dying. She wouldn’t tell them why or how, just that she was sick.
Frank just tried to hide his pain by not saying much or spending time around them. He didn’t want to show that he was sad, angry, or dying a little more inside each day.
Madeline ran up the creaky, wooden steps that she would be running down ten years in the future. She darted right down a corridor that was lavished in white crystals and purple drapes. The walls showed pictures of Ruby’s parents, who were now dead, and pictures of the family as a whole.
She ran into her parent’s bedroom, magic potions and candles lay on tables and books flooded the shelves. Madeline grabbed the vial that read : Healing, and ran back down the hallway, nearly knocking her sisters and Ruby over.
She ran down the stairs and outside, the sun glaring in her eyes.
She yelled, “Here it is, here it is!”
She handed it to her father who then drained the remaining ounce or so down Helen’s throat. blue smoke rose from her mouth and dissipated in the sky. Helen regained consciousness and, from the weakness, fainted again.
“We must get a Healer, now,” Frank shouted. “Hurry!”
Madeline started crying, “Is mommy going to die?”
“No, and here, take your powers back.” Frank panted, carrying his wife in the house.
He held out his hand and said, “Return!”
The little balls of color swirled into the sky and came down into the Canaby sisters and Ruby. Frank didn’t know that they would pass-out from this, but they did, glowing.
~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*
When they woke up they saw Frank in the grass, hovering over their mother, crying.
“Is mama…?” Madeline said
“She’s gone, she’s gone,” He cried.
Madeline started crying to, Sarah, Rose, and Ruby followed.
Helen’s body glowed and her spirit rose from it. Her spirit looked just like her, but golden. She looked around and said, “My girls, do not cry, I am free. Frank, look after the girls and be safe. I love you.”
With those final words, she ascended into the sky, golden sparkles following her.
Ruby gasp, “It was all my fault, if I hadn’t been bad, She might still be alive!”
No Ruby, you are a good girl, She has been sick for months now, you know that.”
The rest of the night was filled with tears and regrets. Each one of the girls cried themselves to sleep in their shared beds. Ruby was with Madeline and Sarah with Rose. Frank, however, stayed awake.
Ruby woke up and saw the full moon out of the big, dusty window in the room. She looked at the ceiling and then to her cousins. She thought, I must go, they won’t love me anymore, how could they?
She slowly slipped out of bed and stepped onto the cold floor. She packed some bags and shrank them with a shrinking spell she learned and opened the window. A cold gust of wind entered the window and she quickly closed it, waking Madeline.
“Ruby, where are you going?” Madeline whispered.
“I have to go, I must.” Ruby said.
“You don’t, you don’t have to go.” Madeline said.
“Yes I do.” Ruby said. “I…”
“Where would you go?”
“I-I don’t know, but I can’t stay here.”
“Its freezing outside, You’ll die!”
“Maddie, I’ll miss you, tell Sarah and Rose I said bye.”
“No!” Madeline yelled.
Frank heard the noise and came in the room.
“Dad, Ruby is going to leave!” Madeline panted
“No Ruby, you stay here.” Frank loudly whispered
“No, I don’t.” She said
She thrust her hand to the ground and her body shook, mustering all the power she could. A small white portal opened on the ground, illuminating the room and making wind swirl all around. She jumped into the portal and Madeline tried to stop her, she was too late.
Madeline stood in the dark room shocked at what just happened, she loved Ruby, they all did.
The next ten years flew by, everything changed.
End of chapter
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140,541 Literary Works • 673,411 Reviews
Put a comma after 'played'.
What do you mean, she played? It seems like she's shouting excitedly to me. From the speech, I get an image of a young girl bouncing in excitement. 'playing' doesn't fit.
Retorted? Retorted suggests she was answering an insult, or arguing. She was doing neither.
...if she vocalised, she wasn't being quiet. Deep in concentration? Concentrating diligently?
A tattling stride? What is a tattling stride? 'Tattling' is used out of context here.
Madeline opened her eyes and stood up, 3 feet and all.Replace with 'all of three feet'. Also, in literature, I strongly encourage you to use the written form of a number, with exceptions for phone numbers and addresses.
Put commas after cried, and don't capitalize 'don't.'
'Too'. Fullstop.
"Now girls," Helen, their mother said, "let's not fight. And don't taunt Madeline for not being able to use her powers yet."
Huh? She knew she would say what? That doesn't make sense.
Don't capitalize whine. Capitals are for names, starts of sentences, and possible for emphasis. Comma after whine, don't capitalize 'she'.
'We're.' Say the sentence out loud. If you can substitute 'we are' into it, you need an apostrophe. Full stop.
Weren't they all in the same place? I don't know, you haven't described the surroundings at all, nor their actions. This has mainly been dialogue. I don't know what Rose was doing exactly, where their mother was or what she was doing when they went to talk to her, or have an image in my head at all.
A story cannot be solely based on dialogue.
Choose your words economically. Don't make a sentence longer for the sake of it. 'She laughed innocently' would just as well, with the same effect.
Also, why would she make sparks fly out of her wand? They serve no purpose. It reminds me of those kid's cartoons, and is a pointless waste of magic.
Don't capatalize 'giggled'. Fullstop.
No apostrophe on 'its'.
You only use an apostrophe if a) it is separating the word from a shortened word, such as 'is' Eg The cat is= the cat's
Or it is a possessive= the cat is playing with the dogs toy= the cat's playing with the dog's toy.
The only exception is 'it', where the possessive rule does not a apply. Eg the cat is playing with its toy.
The mother keeps saying 'you guys'. I find it's a modern and rather teenage phrase. It doesn't seem quite right for the mother to keep saying it.
irresponsibly
Helen said.
She's already asked them to gather around, and because you did not state otherwise, I assumed they had.
'gasped'.
I would rather see it stated in a different way. For instance-
Helen explained what had happened. "And frankly," she glared at the children, "I don't think the deserve such power."
Fullstop, fullstop, fullstop.
No capital.
Remaining? This implies that the rest was used. I would assume the potion would be separated into portions to prevent overdosing and waste.
the 'she learned' is redundant. She had obviously learned it if she could do it.
Fullstop, fullstop, fullstop.
How does a small child possess such power, and be able to control it? It seems rather unrealistic.
Overall, you need to work on your imagery and descriptions. This is a flashback, so describe the girls as children. Did one have dirt smudged on her nose?
What was their house like in this earlier time?
Describe their actions. How did they stand, or sit? Did they figit, or sneer?
Also, please watch your fullstops and capitals. I spotted a lot of simple mistakes that could be avoided by proofreading.
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me. I'll be happy to help.
-Nutty
Hey, thanks for replying to my topic thing
still quiet in concentration.
sorry.” They apologized
Ruby was petrified, she didn’t mean for it to happen.
.” Ruby cried. “Are you going to send me away?”
The ropes tied themselves to their hands and bind them. They fell to the ground, their legs bound too.
sisters and Ruby ran into the house as fast as their little feet could take them. They knew where to go, this was no rare experience. Helen had been sick for almost a year and the Canaby sisters knew that she was dying. She wouldn’t tell them why or how, just that she was sick.
Madeline grabbed the vial that read : No need for : here Healing, and ran back down the hallway, nearly knocking her sisters and Ruby over.
The way your characters speak to one another is very realistic, which is great. There wasn't much to correct except maybe a few typo's but nothing that can't be fixed easily. I loved it, pm me when you post more so I can read more 
“Hey maddie, Maddie!” Sarah played “Look at Ruby’s wand, come look!”
“I don’t want to, I want to see if I can get another dream thing!” Madeline whispered. “I have to be quiet I think, shh.”
She sat in the grass with a blue and white-frilled dress, sitting quietly. She put her little hands in her lap and closed her eyes, squeezing them. I love your description here
“Give it up Maddie, Mom says you’ll get it soon enough.” Rose retorted
“Shh!” Madeline vocalized, Good word, unusual in comparison with the usual said etc I like that
Rose’s red locks fell to her shoulders and she walked away in a tattling stride.
“Mama,” Rose yelled. “Tell maddie To stop trying like you said!”
Madeline opened her eyes and stood up, 3 feet and all.
“No!” Madeline cried “Don’t tell!”
“Too late too late,” Rose taunted
“Now, girls.” Helen, their mother said. “Let’s not fight, And don’t taunt Madeline for not being able to use her powers yet.”
“I knew you would say that.” Rose teased, looking shyly at Madeline as if to taunt her right under her
mother’s nose.
“Mom!” Madeline Whined “She did it again!”
“Hey, I said stop it.” Helen warned. “You know that Mommy is sick, right? I would appreciate your help.”
“Okay, were Should be we're here
“Come look at Ruby’s new wand!” Sarah shouted again.
Giving up, they walked to where Ruby was at, playing with her new, jet black wand. She laughed an innocent laugh and she waved it in the air, making golden sparks fly out of the end. I just love that piece of description there
“Isn’t it cool?” Ruby Giggled
“Mine’s cooler.” Madeline reassured, lifting up her light blue one.
“Really?” Ruby Glared. “Well if your's is so much cooler, can it do this?”
She raised it straight in the air and yelled, “Greenio transformio!” The end of her wand glowed green. She walked slowly, her eyes narrowed on the tip, She went to a tree and tapped it’s trunk.
It began to crack and fall towards Ruby and the Canaby sisters. They all screamed. Again, I am strangely fond of that sentence
“Oh!” Helen shrieked, lifting out her hands.
She started to wiggle her fingers rapidly and shouted, “Levitatu Maximus!” A yellow pair of large hands shot from her hands and grasp the tree in mid fall. Helen’s hands were in a grasping motion and then she lifted them up, lifting the yellow ones. An electrifying sound crackled through them and she threw
the tree with a grunt, away from them.
She looked at the children in anger, her eyes flamed in terror. Ruby cowered on the ground in shock, beginning to cry.
“Ruby,” Helen shouted. “What did I tell you about using magic? What did I tell you all about using magic?”
She started to walk to where they were cowering. Madeline was standing up and she wanted to run, but didn’t. Rose stood wide eyed, afraid of her mother’s wrath. Sarah, who had some control over her powers, surrounded herself in an orb of weak green light. I like that idea
“I-I’m sorry Aunt Helen, I didn’t mean tojust one o here
“No Ruby, I would never do that,” Helen reassured. “You’ll always be safe here. I just need you, all of you, to listen to me. I’m not long for this world and I need to be strong for you guys.”
“Are you going to take my wand?” Ruby questioned.
“No, I won’t take your wand.” Helen said “But…”
She motioned the girls to gather in a circle and sit.
“You guys have been using your powers very un-responsibly, you don’t listen to me, and so I will have to take them until you can.” Helen Said I guess that's just a typo there, having a capital at said
“No! They shouted.
“Mama please,” Madeline begged.
“There is no use in pleading.” Helen said “Now gather around”
“Sarah!” Madeline yelled “Surround us in your light!”
Helen looked at Sarah with wide eyes. She started to move for them and they screamed.
Sarah surrounded them in her force field and they looked at the seemingly Green world around them. Their mother was shouting and telling Sarah to put it down. Sarah didn’t dare release her power, she was afraid of what her mother would do.
“Fine, have it your way.” Helen smiled. “Shatia Maximas”
Her fist glowed a metallic silver and she warned the children once more. She then put her fist in the air and blasted it against Sarah’s force field, shattering it.
She said another spell, “Tininio” And clear ropes shot from her hand. Again, I really love your description
“What am I going to do with you guys? you’re too mischievous. You girls are out of control, you’re always into something! Frank, Get out here!” Helen shouted.
He appeared in a puff of blue smoke right next to Helen, scaring her. I love that image !
“You have to stop that!” Helen gasped
The girls giggled.
“Take their powers away.” Helen said.
“Why?” Frank questioned.
Helen told him of the tree and how it almost crushed them, how they are too mischievous and unworthy of them.
“Girls, listen to your mother.” Frank, their father, Ruby’s uncle said. “She needs you to behave, and if you can’t then…”
“Just take them!” Helen said
The girls lay on the ground, still bound with rope.
“No, dad, don’t!” Sarah pleaded
Please Uncle Frank, Don’t take them, I don’t even know what mine is yet!” Ruby cried
“Sorry girls.” Frank said.
He waved his hand over them and absorbed their little powers in his hand, all shining different colors. I absolutely love that thought of all the colours glimmering
He closed his hand and they vanished.
The ropes that tied them up, vanished and they stood up in shock that their father had actually did it. They ran to his leg and pleaded for him to give them back.
“You guys don’t even know how to use them correctly, However now that I have them, I can teach you.
When you are ready for it, I will give them back to you.” Frank said
“Okay.” Madeline agreed, only because she didn’t know how to use her's yet.
“Oh,” Helen said, putting her palm to her forehead. “I don’t feel well.”
“Here, sit down, I’ll summon a healer.” Frank said
“No, I’m sick of the little potions that let me go for one more day, Just…” Helen tried to say.
Helen fainted and fell, but Frank caught her.
“Girls, go in the house and get me a healing potion,” Frank panted. “Hurry!”
The Canaby I like that as a surname, it's lovely
Frank just tried to hide his pain by not saying much or spending time around them. He didn’t want to show that he was sad, angry, or dying a little more inside each day. Aw, that thought is so bittersweet.
Madeline ran up the creaky, wooden steps that she would be running down ten years in the future. She darted right down a corridor that was lavished in white crystals and purple drapes. That bit about it being lavished in white crystals and purple drapes is beautiful. The walls showed pictures of Ruby’s parents, who were now dead, and pictures of the family as a whole.
She ran into her parent’s bedroom, magic potions and candles lay on tables and books flooded the shelves. Hahah that's exactly what my house is like, well maybe not the potions but definetly the books
She ran down the stairs Don't repeat this bit and outside, the sun glaring in her eyes.
She yelled, “Here it is, here it is!”
She handed it to her father who then drained the remaining ounce or so down Helen’s throat. blue smoke rose from her mouth and dissipated in the sky. Helen regained consciousness and, from the weakness, fainted again.
“We must get a Healer, now,” Frank shouted. “Hurry!”
Madeline started crying, “Is mommy going to die?”
“No, and here, take your powers back.” Frank panted, carrying his wife in the house.
He held out his hand and said, “Return!”
The little balls of color swirled into the sky and came down into the Canaby sisters and Ruby. Frank didn’t know that they would pass-out from this, but they did, glowing. I love that sentence
~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*
When they woke up they saw Frank in the grass, hovering over their mother, crying.
“Is mama…?” Madeline said
“She’s gone, she’s gone,” He cried.
Madeline started crying too, Sarah, Rose, and Ruby followed.
Helen’s body glowed and her spirit rose from it. Her spirit looked just like her, but golden. She looked around and said, “My girls, do not cry, I am free. Frank, look after the girls and be safe. I love you.” This is absolutely beautiful, I love the idea of her spirit coming out of her
With those final words, she ascended into the sky, golden sparkles following her. Impeccable phrasing
Ruby gasped, “It was all my fault, if I hadn’t been bad, She might still be alive!” Aw, I can just imagine her saying that
No Ruby, you are a good girl, She has been sick for months now, you know that.”
The rest of the night was filled with tears and regrets. Perfect way to conclude the last paragraph Each one of the girls cried themselves to sleep in their shared beds. Ruby was with Madeline and Sarah with Rose. Frank, however, stayed awake.
Ruby woke up and saw the full moon out of the big, dusty window in the room. She looked at the ceiling and then to her cousins. She thought, I must go, they won’t love me anymore, how could they?
She slowly slipped out of bed and stepped onto the cold floor. She packed some bags and shrank them with a shrinking spell she learned and opened the window. A cold gust of wind entered the window and she quickly closed it, waking Madeline.
“Ruby, where are you going?” Madeline whispered.
“I have to go, I must.” Ruby said.
“You don’t, you don’t have to go.” Madeline said.
“Yes I do.” Ruby said. “I…”
“Where would you go?”
“I-I don’t know, but I can’t stay here.”
“Its freezing outside, You’ll die!”
“Maddie, I’ll miss you, tell Sarah and Rose I said bye.”
“No!” Madeline yelled.
Frank heard the noise and came in the room.
“Dad, Ruby is going to leave!” Madeline panted
“No Ruby, you stay here.” Frank loudly whispered
“No, I don’t.” She said
She thrust her hand to the ground and her body shook, mustering all the power she could. A small white portal opened on the ground, illuminating the room and making wind swirl all around. Your description of colour is amazing ! She jumped into the portal and Madeline tried to stop her, she was too late.
Madeline stood in the dark room shocked at what just happened, she loved Ruby, they all did.
The next ten years flew by, everything changed.
[b]I really love some of your description. It is amazing, I especially love the way you describe colours, or you might spell it colors if you live in America
- Kirsten x
Thanks june!
---Jon---
Andy, I can see how you can be easily confused if you haven't read the rest of the story. It is, afterall, a flashback, so he can only put but so much detail in it without making it into a separate story, Haha.
If you read the rest of his story, this makes a lot of sense. Ruby and the Canaby sisters are against eachother later on and this speaks for how they separated. Ruby's regret and self-blame causes her to leave and then she eventually turns on them, forgetting what they went through before. If you don't read the rest of the story, you at least need to read chapter 8 and chapter 3, to understand what is going on here... it makes perfect sense to me.
I personally think it fit the story well
If I was able to be confused like that, then it shows that 1) You are not being clear enough and 2) There isn't enough characterisation to help the reader distinguish who's who. This is quite evident in the piece, everyone seemed more like whiny little kids. The parents themselves lack some of authority or love, something which one would expect from a parent. I'll edit that in my review, thanks for pointing it out though.
As for this being a flashback, it too should make sense. A flashback is when you are telling the narrative from the past as a way to reinforce a present situation or to tie ideas together. But how can this flashback even achieve that if it is lacking these vital details? What you have here is just rushed and sketchy. You can pretty much not include this in your novel and it won't change the narrative much.
The problem isn't that it doesn't make sense, it's just unconvincing.
Andy.
Thanks andy, This was a flashback so it didnt make sense if you haven't read chps. 1-9.
Madeline didn't leave! Ruby did.
Hey there Wiseman. I have not read the other chapters to this, I'm only reviewing this as a separate chapter.
Why did she do that? Explain.
Vocalized? Why not just "said". Do not use big words unless it's used in the right context. I would had accepted "vocalized" if it was for a music recording session or something like that.
I have seen many writers waste their time on describing redundant stuff like this. Ask yourself: Does this description drive the story forward in any way? Why the heck should we care about her hair Wiseman?
Expand this. Show us as to what efforts are made to comfort her.
What on earth? Is this even realistic? Can you think of anyone in real life that has that happened to them?
Why were they upset? Explain it more.
Why did she have to go? People do not randomly get up out of bed and decide to go on a quest.
Why did they love her?
Overall impressions:
I really can't take this seriously. It's so rushed and incoherent. The first half seems like a total replay of a Pokemon Battle. "Go Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" One of the problems that I have with that show is that there doesn't seem to be an awareness of how dangerous having those powers can be. A thunderbolt in real life would actually cause great harm or death if used on a certain person. Yet, we have teenage kids running around abusing this. That's dangerous!
That was the impression that I got of your first half of the piece. There doesn't seem to be that awareness. They seem to be more concerned about "no, do this instead, no...don't do that". Is there even any protection to reduce the likelihood of them injuring themselves? No armor, no helmet etc...
When Helen fainted, it happened so suddenly and randomly that the reader doesn't feel sympathy for her, but rather the need to laugh out loud. It seems more like an attempt to start conflict, but it's just so forced. There isn't that sense or hints that Helen might be feeling ill. It just happens in a snap of a finger. It's just unrealistic.
But your greatest mistake is actually leaving yourself such a large time gap, saying that Helen has been sick for a year. Well what happened in that year? What treatment did her family provide her? What were the emotions in the family? Slow your story down. If you have watched shows like "Extreme Makeover", you will see that the producers make great efforts to show all the details of a family's situation and it would take up quite a fair proportion of the show. It is done to convince the audience of their situation and to make them sympathize for what's happening.
When Helen actually died, I actually felt no sympathy for her (even though I should) due to the lack of these very details.
Your ending is very forced. Why would Ruby randomly just leave the family? You need to show more the motivations and reasons behind it. Slow it down. People would normally go through a phase where they have to debate with themselves before undergoing such a life changing task. Such drastic changes do not happen overnight.
Anyways, I hope this critique has helped. Good luck.
Andy.
Thanks June!
I will definitely take the advice about what Ruby packed!
Thank you so much!
---Jon---
I liked it alot! I think there were more things you could have added, like more about their personalities and what their interests were, but overall it was great. Chapter 8 still beats it, haha, but this is my next favorite. Keep writing! I'm eager to know what chapter 11 is about!