Chapter Three
The Witches, The Gifts, And The Staffs
The Canaby sisters stood looking at the witches, and the witches looking at them. “Who are you?” asked one of the witches.
“This is “Rose, Madeline, and I’m Sarah” said Sarah “you won’t have to worry about the hunter, we took care of him.”
“You did what?” said one of the witches “How?”
“It wasn’t easy” said Rose “we almost died”
“Yes, but how did you find us, we’ve been here for at least two months” said a witch
“We’ll my sister, Madeline, had a premonition that made her see you guys in here, trapped.” Said Rose
“But everything was locked, how did you get in?” one of the witches inquired
“Um, we said an unlocking spell” Sarah retorted
“You mean to tell me you three have the gift of magic voice!”
To the Canaby sisters this was a very odd question,
“What do you mean “‘magic voice’” said Madeline?
“I mean when you say a spell it comes to be” said the witch
“Doesn’t every witch have that?” inquired Madeline
“No, only the very gifted witches like the prophesized Canaby sisters” retorted the witch
“We’ll I knew we we’re prophesized but…..” Rose tried to say
“You are the Canaby sisters!” said another witch “In all my days I never thought I would live to see the great Canaby withes” another witch said
“I don’t know if we’re great but……”
Cutting her off again, “oh but you all will be you do great, great things” said the witch “I know it to be so” said a witch
Wanting just to get off of the subject of how great they would be and the great things they would do, Madeline interrupted
“Where are all of you from?” said Madeline “you must be far from your homes”
“We’re from all over the place, we’ll never make it home without dying from some other witch hunter” said a witch”
“That’s not true; remember you said we would be great, right?”
“Yes, but how….” The witch tried to say
Cutting her off this time “I have a plan to get you all home within minute’s time, don’t worry” said Rose “sisters, let’s go in private”
The Canaby sisters went by the steps and left the witches in the darkness, carrying their orbs of light with them. They talked of how they would get the witches home, and they decided, just like ruby they would transport them all in an orb.
Walking back to where the other witches were, they told them of their plans to transport them all in an orb.
“Is that safe?” questioned a witch “what if something goes wrong?”
“We don’t know what will happen” said Rose “but it’s your best chance of getting home safely”
“Have you even done this before?” said the witch
“Well sort of, we sent our cousin to another dimension” Sarah cut in
“Another dimension!” shouted a witch “we just want to get home”
“I know that” Rose said “but there is a risk in doing this, do you want to take it?”
“hey” said another witch “ we should have faith in the Canaby sisters, after all they are the ones who saved us in the first place” retorted the witch “ and on top of that they are the chosen ones, the ones of destiny!”
“Your right” said another witch “I’m ready to go, and thank you beloved Canaby sisters, thank you for my life I am forever indebted to your cause, and as a token of my gratitude, I present to you a wishing stone, it enables the carrier to use one wish, no matter what the wish may be.
“Thank you, I’m very sure we’ll be using it soon” Madeline chuckled
Just then all of the witches started to empty out their pockets and pouches full of trinkets and magic items and laid them on the floor before the Canaby sisters.
“This is the least we can do for you for saving our lives” the witch said “these things should help you on your long, difficult journey.”
“It is much appreciated” Madeline said “and now I think it’s time to get you home”
The Canaby sisters shot out their auras on the witches as day light began to break through the underground dungeon. Their powers as usual started to grow and electrify, making an orb around the witches, raising them in the air.
“Let’s start the spell” said Madeline
Energies in the orb
Travel to where you belong
Travel with safety and song
Travel through time and space
To get home this is the path you take
The orb didn’t vanish, make a cracking noise or glow this time; it broke up into separate orbs like floating bubbles then they glowed made a cracking noise and vanished.
“That was different” said Madeline
“It was probably because the orb had to transport to different locations” said Sarah
The Canaby sisters left the dungeon type prison and went outside to the dusty road. The sun was shining giving a warm - cool effect as the breeze blew and the sun shone upon them. They started to walk up the hill to the barn to retrieve their belongings. Only this time there was no dew on the ground to get their feet wet. Reaching the barn a strong odor from the body surrounded them making them nauseous.
“Hurry get the trunks and put the gifts we received in them” shrieked Madeline
As the sisters went through the barn scavenging for their possessions the odor seemed to get stronger. They split up the gifts in separate trunks so it would be equal weight, they also took the oil lamp that lay on the floor of the barn just in case they ever needed it.
“Hey Rose” said Madeline “look, the medallion” she pointed to the hunter’s neck “go and get it, It could be useful”
“I really don’t want to do that, the man stinks and he’s all bloody and dead” said rose
“Fine I’ll do it” said Madeline
Madeline walked over to where the body laid and grabbed onto the medallion and ripped it off the chain making a snapping sound as it did so. She walked over to Rose and said “here, you have the power of knowing, you’ll know what to do with it.” Rose took the medallion and examined it’s black gem in the center then put it in her trunk. The Canaby sisters did the spell to shrink their trunks and then they put them in their pockets. The morning sun was almost halfway in the sky when the Canaby sisters decided to leave.
“Where are the flying staffs?” Madeline questioned
“They should be by the body somewhere” said Sarah
“o.k. I’ll look again” said Madeline
Madeline went over to the decomposing corpse and found nothing but ashes. The ashes were in three lines and ironically had the same length and width as their flying staffs.
“Sarah, Rose” Madeline yelled “our flying staffs are, are dust!”
“WHAT!” Rose and Sarah said “HOW?”
“Oh wait” said Sarah guiltily “I think when I threw the exploding potion they must have caught fire, sorry”
“Sorry?” Rose mimicked “It was our only way to get to Topia” she yelled
“Look I’m sorry, there has to be some way to get others” Sarah whimpered
“Wait, the wishing stone” said Madeline
Madeline got into her trunk and got the wishing stone,
“I wish for three indestructible, crystal, flying staffs” Madeline said
The rock in her hand started to get hot so Madeline dropped it, it began to glow hot red then blue as it spun wildly in circles, making a colorful vortex at their feet. They all watched as it began to slow leaving three magnificent crystal flying staffs with their first initial on them. There was one with the letter S for Sarah, one with the letter R for Rose, and one with the letter M for Madeline. All of the Canaby sisters smiled as they picked up their very new and improved flying staffs. They walked out of the barn and each of them had their staffs in their hand when they heard galloping, they looked and it seemed to be a man on a horse. The man got off about seventy feet away from them and began to reach for something. Just then the Canaby sisters heard a shot from a gun and they knew in that second they were dead but the flying staffs put up a force field unsuspectingly and blocked the bullet from getting to them.
“Goodness” said Madeline “I guess if these are indestructible then when we hold on to them we are too.”
“Yeah but I think we should go” said Rose “now!”
And with that they took off into the air leaving the witch hunter in the dust.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Whoops, sorry there, time got away from me. ^^; This has been sitting, almost done, for days, but I just now got it finished.
Anyway, another well done chapter! Your characterization was much more consistent in this one, and I’m interested to see how the plot develops! I also thought the trick with the staffs was really cool.
Wow, your grammar has gotten a lot better, give yourself a pat on the back! I’m impressed at all the progress you’ve made. You still need to watch those full stops at the end of sentences and such, but you’re getting a lot better, and as such, this was a lot easier for me to read and edit! Once again, my insertions are in bold:
I've also got a few, more general critiques:
I thought Madeline was the only one who was even injured at all.
I don’t really understand this sentence. I mean, I know what you were trying to say, it’s just… it could be phrased better. In any case, you shouldn’t have to mention the fact that the sun is shining twice in the same sentence, so at least edit that.
Frankly, this sentence seemed a little random to me. First, it’s talking about the dew and the barn and the pretty sun… and then the rotting corpse. I think it could be built up to a little better.
Uh… I could be wrong, but isn’t Rose the one who pulled a bloody dagger out of a person’s chest about a chapter ago? This seems rather out of character…
This seems a little… unnecessary. I suppose you can never be sure how smart your readers are, but I can assure you that most, if not all of them, will know their ABC’s.
Woah. This whole bit seems really, really rushed to me, and there was too much telling. I suggest you show us the sisters’ panic at realizing what trouble they are in, their relief at being alive, etc.
I… don’t think that’s what “retorted” actually means. According to dictionary.com:
Meaning, as far as I can figure it, that retorted is, like answering in an argumentative way. So, really, I don’t think this is really the word you’re looking for. Try “replied” or “answered” if you really want to, but remember not to be afraid of “said.” It’s not a bad word, really. In fact, it’s a good word: it doesn’t draw attention to itself.
Also, frankly, while reading this, I spotted a bit of a plot hole: Why can’t the sisters just wish they were in Topia? I suggest giving that some thought and coming up with a reason.
Other than those small things, you’ve done a good job wit this chapter. You’re making huge improvements, give yourself a pat on the back. ^_^
I’ll get to chapter four as soon as I can! ^^;
Hey wiseman, here I am again =)
Most of the punctuation is wrong here. This is how you would properly punctuate it (including the quotation marks - pay close attention!)
"This is Rose, Madeline, and I'm Sarah," she said. "You won't have to worry about the hunter; we took care of him."
Since you say "I'm Sarah" you don't need "said Sarah".
Dialogue punctuation! You need to work on this:
"It wasn't easy," said Rose. "We almost died."
"Yes, but how did you find us? We've been here for at least two months," said a witch."
"To the Canaby sisters, this was a very odd question.
'What do you mean, "magic voice"?' said Madeline.
Put the question mark at the end of the question - not the sentence.
There's so much incorrect dialogue grammar that I can't correct it all. Look at those I did correct, and try to remember the correct punctuation.
The "a witch" and "the witches" is all very confusing. I can't picture this at all, and am very confused by the scene. You need to describe these witches, and instead of saying "a witch" say "the blonde one" or "the one with the ghastly nose" or however you wish to describe them.
Another thing is that this is mostly dialogue. There's very little descriptions at all - just dialogue, and this is never a good thing. You need a reasonable proportion of description-to-dialogue in your writing. You need to go back and add much more detail and non-dialogue sentences.
Here's what I would do: I print out a copy of my story, then pick out two colors of highlighter. Let's say, blue and yellow. I highlight all the dialogue in blue, and all the description in yellow. If there is seriousy way more blue than yellow, than you know you may have to rework some things.
PM me if you have questions!
~ Clo
Wiseman - Hello, there ^_^ I’ll give you a general review, seeing the nitpicks have been pointed out by the reviewer above, and not yet taken care of. And they need to be, when you’ll work on the edits.
I see that paragraphs have been cleared up, which really makes the text easier to read. With those edits, which will be a real improvement (and if you have any general problems with them, feel free to PM me) - focus on the punctuation. Again, check out some articles, or PM me.
Apart from that - add, perhaps, more description? You have lots of dialogue, which is good, since in most cases not only description makes a good story, but I’d still go for more details ^_^ That will not only lengthen the chapter, and slow down the pace, but will also help the reader visualize all the events. Describe the setting, surrounding, the characters, their expressions, etc., among others.
Once again, this was an interesting read, and when the punctuation (which is the main problem) is cleared, it will be even better. The general concept I like, and enjoyed.
Keep writing,
Esme
Again, I liked this. I didn't expect them to have to use their wish that soon, and no doubt they'll regret using it for the staffs sooner or later, but it was a good touch. I'm not going to point out all the mistakes, because most of them were repeated. I'll just point out one or two of each.
Three things here. Firstly, you need to get rid of the quotation marks before 'Rose'. Secondly, you need to put a comma after 'Sarah', in both cases. Lastly, you need to capitalise 'you' at the start of the second bit of speech. Whenever someone starts speaking, you have to capitalise the first letter. And when you go from a sentence into speech, in this case: '...said Sarah "you...', you need to put a comma or a full stop in between the last word of the sentence and the start of the speech. You made this mistake a few more times in the story.
Again, you need a comma after 'witches'.
You need a full stop after 'died'. And you forgot to end most of the lines throughout the story with a full stop.
Witches, not withes, and you need to end with a comma or a full stop.
You might want to consider rephrasing this - try something along the lines of:
The witch cut her off again, "Oh but you will all be, you all do great, great things. I know it to be so."
You need to capitalise Ruby.
Had they taken their trinkets back from the witch hunter, or had he left them with their items and only taken the medallion?
You need a comma after 'bubbles', and after 'glowed'.
This should be one sentence, just change the full stop into a comma.
I doubt Rose would've been that angry, it's not like Sarah could have moved the staffs before throwing the potion at the witch hunter.
You need to break up this sentence more. Put a comma after 'gun', and after 'dead'.
Like I said, I didn't point out all the mistakes, just a couple of each one that was repeated. I explained how to fix them though, so you should be able to go through it and fix all of them up. It's a good story though, keep up the good work!
-Billy