Whoops, sorry there, time got away from me. ^^; This has been sitting, almost done, for days, but I just now got it finished.
Anyway, another well done chapter! Your characterization was much more consistent in this one, and I’m interested to see how the plot develops! I also thought the trick with the staffs was really cool.
Wow, your grammar has gotten a lot better, give yourself a pat on the back! I’m impressed at all the progress you’ve made. You still need to watch those full stops at the end of sentences and such, but you’re getting a lot better, and as such, this was a lot easier for me to read and edit! Once again, my insertions are in bold:
Chapter Three
The Witches, The Gifts, And The Staffs
The Canaby sisters stood looking at the witches, and the witches looking at them.
“Who are you?” asked one of the witches.
“This is Rose, Madeline, and I’m Sarah,” said Sarah. “You won’t have to worry about the hunter, we took care of him.”
“You did what?” said one of the witches “How?”
“It wasn’t easy,” said Rose, “we almost died”
“Yes, but how did you find us? we’ve been here for at least two months” said a witch.
“We’ll my sister, Madeline, had a premonition that made her see you guys in here, trapped.” said Rose.
“But everything was locked, how did you get in?” one of the witches inquired.
“Um, we said an unlocking spell” Sarah retorted.
“You mean to tell me you three have the gift of magic voice!”
To the Canaby sisters, this was a very odd question.
“What do you mean ‘magic voice?’” said Madeline.
“I mean, when you say a spell it comes to be,” said the witch.
“Doesn’t every witch have that?” inquired Madeline.
“No, only the very gifted witches, like the prophesized Canaby sisters,” retorted the witch.
“We’ll I knew we we’re prophesized but…..” Rose tried to say.
“You are the Canaby sisters!” said another witch.
“In all my days I never thought I would live to see the great Canaby witches,” another witch said.
“I don’t know if we’re great but……”
“Oh but you all will be you do great, great things,” said the witch, cutting her off again, “I know it to be so.”
Wanting just to get off of the subject of how great they would be and the great things they would do, Madeline interrupted.
“Where are all of you from?” said Madeline. “You must be far from your homes.”
“We’re from all over the place, we’ll never make it home without dying from some other witch hunter,”said a witch.
“That’s not true. Remember, you said we would be great, right?”
“Yes, but how….” the witch tried to say.
“I have a plan to get you all home within a minute’s time, don’t worry,” said Rose, cutting her off this time “Sisters, let’s go in private.”
The Canaby sisters went by the steps and left the witches in the darkness, carrying their orbs of light with them. They talked of how they would get the witches home, and they decided, just like
Ruby, they would transport them all in an orb.
Walking back to where the other witches were, they told them of their plans to transport them all in an orb.
“Is that safe?” questioned a witch “What if something goes wrong?”
“We don’t know what will happen,” said Rose, “but it’s your best chance of getting home safely.”
“Have you even done this before?” said the witch.
“Well sort of, we sent our cousin to another dimension,” Sarah cut in.
“Another dimension!” shouted a witch. “We just want to get home”
“I know that,” Rose said, “but there is a risk in doing this, do you want to take it?”
“Hey,” said another witch, “ we should have faith in the Canaby sisters. After all, they are the ones who saved us in the first place,” retorted the witch.
“ And on top of that they are the chosen ones, the ones of destiny!”
“You’re right,” said another witch, “I’m ready to go, and thank you, beloved Canaby sisters, thank you for my life. I am forever indebted to your cause, and as a token of my gratitude, I present to you a wishing stone: it enables the carrier to use one wish, no matter what the wish may be.”
“Thank you, I’m very sure we’ll be using it soon,” Madeline chuckled.
Just then, all of the witches started to empty out their pockets and pouches full of trinkets and magic items and laid them on the floor before the Canaby sisters.
“This is the least we can do for you for saving our lives,” the witch said. “These things should help you on your long, difficult journey.”
“It is much appreciated,” Madeline said, “and now I think it’s time to get you home.”
The Canaby sisters shot out their auras on the witches as daylight began to break through the underground dungeon. Their powers, as usual, started to grow and electrify, making an orb around the witches, raising them in the air.
“Let’s start the spell,” said Madeline.
Energies in the orb
Travel to where you belong
Travel with safety and song
Travel through time and space
To get home this is the path you take
The orb didn’t vanish, make a cracking noise, or glow this time; it broke up into separate orbs like floating bubbles; then they glowed, made a cracking noise, and vanished.
“That was different,” said Madeline.
“It was probably because the orb had to transport to different locations” said Sarah.
The Canaby sisters left the dungeon type prison and went outside to the dusty road. The sun was shining, giving a warm - cool effect as the breeze blew and the sun shone upon them. They started to walk up the hill to the barn to retrieve their belongings. Only this time, there was no dew on the ground to get their feet wet. Reaching the barn, a strong odor from the body
surrounded them, making them nauseous.
“Hurry, get the trunks and put the gifts we received in them,” shrieked Madeline.
As the sisters went through the barn, scavenging for their possessions the odor seemed to get stronger. They split up the gifts in separate trunks so it would be equal weight, they also took the oil lamp that lay on the floor of the barn just in case they ever needed it.
“Hey Rose,” said Madeline, “look, the medallion.” she pointed to the hunter’s neck “Go and get it, it could be useful.”
“I really don’t want to do that, the man stinks and he’s all bloody and dead” said Rose.
“Fine, I’ll do it,” said Madeline.
Madeline walked over to where the body lay and grabbed onto the medallion and ripped it off the chain, making a snapping sound as it did so. She walked over to Rose and said,
“Here, you have the power of knowing, you’ll know what to do with it.” Rose took the medallion and examined the black gem in the center, then put it in her trunk. The Canaby sisters did the spell to shrink their trunks, and then they put them in their pockets. The morning sun was almost halfway up in the sky when the Canaby sisters decided to leave.
“Where are the flying staffs?” Madeline questioned.
“They should be by the body somewhere,” said Sarah.
“O.k., I’ll look again,” said Madeline.
Madeline went over to the decomposing corpse and found nothing but ashes. The ashes were in three lines and ironically had the same length and width as their flying staffs.
“Sarah, Rose!” Madeline yelled, “Our flying staffs are… are dust!”
“WHAT!” Rose and Sarah said, “HOW?”
“Oh wait,” said Sarah guiltily, “I think when I threw the exploding potion they must have caught fire, sorry.”
“Sorry?” Rose mimicked, “It was our only way to get to Topia,” she yelled.
“Look, I’m sorry, there has to be some way to get others,” Sarah whimpered.
“Wait, the wishing stone!” said Madeline.
Madeline got into her trunk and got the wishing stone.
“I wish for three indestructible, crystal, flying staffs,” Madeline said.
The rock in her hand started to get hot, so Madeline dropped it, it began to glow hot red, then blue as it spun wildly in circles, making a colorful vortex at their feet. They all watched as it began to slow, leaving three magnificent crystal flying staffs with their first initial on them. There was one with the letter S for Sarah, one with the letter R for Rose, and one with the letter M for Madeline. All of the Canaby sisters smiled as they picked up their very new and improved flying staffs. They walked out of the barn, and each of them had their staffs in their hand. When they heard galloping, they looked and it seemed to be a man on a horse. The man got off about seventy feet away from them and began to reach for something. Just then, the Canaby sisters heard a shot from a gun and they knew in that second they were dead.
But the flying staffs put up a force field, unexpectedly, and blocked the bullet from getting to them.
“Goodness,” said Madeline, “I guess if these are indestructible, then when we hold on to them, we are too.”
“Yeah, but I think we should go,” said Rose. “Now!”
And with that, they took off into the air, leaving the witch hunter in the dust.
I've also got a few, more general critiques:
“It wasn’t easy” said Rose “we almost died”
I thought Madeline was the only one who was even injured at all.
The sun was shining giving a warm - cool effect as the breeze blew and the sun shone upon them.
I don’t really understand this sentence. I mean, I know what you were trying to say, it’s just… it could be phrased better. In any case, you shouldn’t have to mention the fact that the sun is shining twice in the same sentence, so at least edit that.
Reaching the barn a strong odor from the body surrounded them making them nauseous.
Frankly, this sentence seemed a little random to me. First, it’s talking about the dew and the barn and the pretty sun… and then the rotting corpse. I think it could be built up to a little better.
“I really don’t want to do that, the man stinks and he’s all bloody and dead” said rose
Uh… I could be wrong, but isn’t Rose the one who pulled a bloody dagger out of a person’s chest about a chapter ago? This seems rather out of character…
There was one with the letter S for Sarah, one with the letter R for Rose, and one with the letter M for Madeline.
This seems a little… unnecessary. I suppose you can never be sure how smart your readers are, but I can assure you that most, if not all of them, will know their ABC’s.
The man got off about seventy feet away from them and began to reach for something. Just then the Canaby sisters heard a shot from a gun and they knew in that second they were dead but the flying staffs put up a force field unsuspectingly and blocked the bullet from getting to them.
“Goodness” said Madeline “I guess if these are indestructible then when we hold on to them we are too.”
Woah. This whole bit seems really, really rushed to me, and there was too much telling. I suggest you show us the sisters’ panic at realizing what trouble they are in, their relief at being alive, etc.
“Um, we said an unlocking spell” Sarah retorted
“No, only the very gifted witches like the prophesized Canaby sisters” retorted the witch
“ we should have faith in the Canaby sisters, after all they are the ones who saved us in the first place” retorted the witch
I… don’t think that’s what “retorted” actually means. According to dictionary.com:
Retorted: v. tr.
1.
a. To reply, especially to answer in a quick, caustic, or witty manner.
b. To present a counterargument to.
Meaning, as far as I can figure it, that retorted is, like answering in an argumentative way. So, really, I don’t think this is really the word you’re looking for. Try “replied” or “answered” if you really want to, but remember not to be afraid of “said.” It’s not a bad word, really. In fact, it’s a good word: it doesn’t draw attention to itself.
Also, frankly, while reading this, I spotted a bit of a plot hole: Why can’t the sisters just wish they were in Topia? I suggest giving that some thought and coming up with a reason.
Other than those small things, you’ve done a good job wit this chapter. You’re making huge improvements, give yourself a pat on the back. ^_^
I’ll get to chapter four as soon as I can! ^^;
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