Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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130,098 Literary Works • 671,511 Reviews
Hi Jabber, I will only review the effect / impact of the poem because it seems you have a problem to break the lines (problems with the formatting) of your poem to be like what you want. I have a little tip for this, it's a simple way but effective in some cases. Maybe you can try to paste it your poem into google translate or etc before paste it into YWS site.
Turning to the poem, I can see the visual impact you are trying to give to the reader. The imageries are also looks quite good with
an effective diction.
I see how beautiful is it to describe the setting/scene. It draws the reader's attention while providing a clear visual through the information you provided. Well, I need to admit, if you fix the formatting, the impact will be more powerful.
And in the end you have bring the white wolf character in the poem. It's such a dramatic effect here. I already interested to read further but you end it up there. Maybe just describe the white wolf with the the environment, which is equally amazing.
I like how you use metaphor to compare the subjects in the poem. Overall, this is actually a nice poem to read. Good job! Keep it up.
Keep writing and reviewing in YWS. Kudos, cheers.
This is written very well. I love the imagery you used in this. It's beautifully written. The only thing that really bothered me was that you didn't break up the lines. I actually almost didn't read it because of that. I think the spacing would give it a lot more effect, and more structure. I love your word use. Keep up the good work!
Hullo Jibber,
There's something susurrus in the use of the present-progressive -- though with the way you've got it formatted, it's difficult to gauge the form quite.
The rushing water, The white-capped mountains.
The glistening lake, The gurgling creek.
A rushing wind, And so he appears,
Halting, suddenly, greatly.
A leader. A master.
The hunting shadow, The white fur bristling, The sun reflecting, The river sparkling.
A rushing wind, And so he calls.
Howling, gently, kindly.
A hunter, A master.
The black shadowed wood, The silvery water, The silent padding, The white-tipped myst'ry.
A rushing wind,
And so they appear.
Following, silent, certain.
A beauty, A white wolf.
Did you want it like so?
I'd suggest toying with the form, and fine-tuning your punctuation -- consider each punctuation mark and line-break like a cliff you're about to step over, da? Consider where it'll fall. ^_^ It makes all the difference in the world in poetry.
I'd also like to see what it would do to it to break landscape-descriptive lines into their own stanzas, punctuated by the short-declarative statements relating to the wolf (ex:. Glistening lake...gurgling creek, etc. in one stanza. Then a transitional line. Then the present progressive verbs, halting, etc. Then stanza of statement: Leader, master.)
As it is, it's a wonderful conglomeration of descriptive language. But it hasn't got the form or the purpose of a poem yet. Poems are aimed like arrows, and each line needs to be as well-balanced and whittled as the shaft.
If you re-post, let me know, yes?
IMP
No. I did not want it formatted the way it was when published. I'm a little new to how everything works on YWS that sometimes when I publish a new work, it doesn't format the way I wrote it.
Sorry! It didn't break it up like I wanted it to....