(Hello, just a quick note, this was written by me on an app called Virtual Space Amino. Nobody really engaged with this piece, so I feel like people would probably like it more here. This was a quick write of 10 minute max, and this time I did look it over. And it was based off of a writing prompt, that I no longer have on me).
"But what is power?" The young woman lamented to her friend. She paced around her friend's bedroom. His art supplies all over the place, but somehow she knew where each of them was, so miraculously she didn't step on them.
He sat on his bed, while she paced around. Just watching her go. Back and forth she went, wondering what power was. He stayed quiet. She has power but doesn't realize it.
He began to think back.
When it all started. She held onto him. When he was the one who needed support, she cried to him. He watched out for her, keeping her "friends" from doing more damage, more harm to her already brittle mental state.
He thought back to when she called him several times in the middle of the night. She needed him to walk her to his house to spend the night. She had been drinking again, and couldn't let her parents find out. So he would sneak out of his own home, and bring her to his room. He'd sleep on the floor, as she slept in the bed. He would watch her carefully to make sure she wouldn't get hurt. Even if it meant sacrificing his sleep.
More memories flooded through his head. Like when she said she can't wait to leave this town. He couldn't wait either, but he knew the reality. He can't leave he's stuck there forever.
He remembered her goodbyes. He remembered keeping his thoughts about her to himself amongst his new and old friends.
He looked up. She wasn't there anymore, pacing around. It was a figment of his imagination. Years have passed. She's not coming back for him. But if she did decide to, he'd oblige immediately.
"Loyalty." He answered to no one.
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137,443 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay..right off the bat, we have something pretty interesting here in this one. This appears to be two people sort of coming to terms with something that didn't turn out too great for one of them judging from how this is going. It does immediately catch your attention as a reader because there are a few interesting details being slipped in their among the thoughts being written down there.
Those are some pretty interesting memories there. For starters, it seems these two happen to really good friends, if those descriptions there are any indicator and this is presenting a rather interesting little situation here to us, I don't quite know where its trying to go, but the idea of this person being stuck in whatever town this is one thing that caught my attention specifically although I don't quite see how it ties into the story at large. Well, lets see how this ends I suppose.
Okayy...now the ending actually does tie this together somewhat. Now we get a sense of memories flowing past here, and of this person who has long since left our protagonist clearly never to return again if that ending is anything to judge by, well, that creates a powerful touch of emotion there to end things on. I think you do a great job there. Overall, I think you've created a nice little reflective piece that once you read the full thing, does manage to get you in the feels a bit, so I think that's a job well done there.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi! Really enjoyed the story, it's short but it's also deep. It's good writing, and it has a nice flow to it. I liked the way you use the hallucination to convey character.
There are some sentences you could touch up on, like: "but somehow she knew where each of them was, so miraculously she didn't step on them." It's a little wordy, and I also think you could further convey their friendship through the way she seems to have had his apartment memorised. Also, when you say "back and forth she went, wondering what power was", maybe change this, as "wondering what power was" sounds slightly clumsy.
But, as a whole, great story - you've conveyed a lot of stuff in a very short work, which can be hard to do. But you've managed it really well. Keep at it,
Jacob
Yes, I do agree with this man!
Power can be described in many ways such as strength, physical might, mental or moral efficacy, political control or influence, etc. But loyalty? Loyalty is described as having an attachment, commitment, constancy, dedication, and devotedness. I see him as having true power. To show a person that you will always be there no matter what, to be on their side even if they're wrong.
The boy was hurt by the girl leaving him, and never coming back to even visit him. He did so many favors for her and she can't even pay him back with a simple visit. Also here is a question in the mix, did this boy love the girl? I had a hunch about it, but I wasn't sure. He sounded a bit heartbroken...
Also, I wanted to say WHAT A BEAUTIFUL STORY MAN! I felt the boy's pain of feeling left behind and abandoned. I mean oof, what a sorrowful story, yet Beautiful. I hope you continue writing stories like this one! Have Good Life, me dude.
I do like this a short story piece, it's succinct, sends a powerful message and it leaves possibility to be expanded on in multiple short stories, a novel or just left as it is. The only criticisms I have are simple grammar ones.
"He sat on his bed, while she paced around. Just watching her go." This is probably a matter of personal choice, but how you use the comma and the short sentence makes this piece of text sound just a bit choppy. Not terribly, but there are ways it could sound smoother. "He sat on his bed while she paced around, just watching her go."
The next lines "He began to think back." and "When it all started." also are similar, and could be strung together to be more cohesive. "He began to think back, to when it all started." or some variation of that.
Those were really the only two things that seemed out-of-place to me, but other than that I'd check through it just to see what to add or take away from it to make it flow better. For example, "He can't leave he's stuck here forever." needs a pause after leave.
Aside from small grammar criticisms though, I really liked the ending. It implies an effective irony, with him answering "loyalty" to no one, I don't know of that's what you were going for but it was clever nonetheless. Thanks, it was nice to read.
I love the bittersweet premise behind this, and the piece itself being short and sweet. There are a few moments where you have switch abruptly between past and present tense that are a little jarring to me, but as you mentioned at the beginning this was a quick one - I'm sure that with a little further revision these bits would be easily smoothed over. Overall, I greatly enjoyed reading this. I would love to read more short pieces like it!
Ah thank you so much! I was thinking about expanding on these two characters and their lives in a different piece at some point? I might do it, I don't know yet.
And thank you, sometimes I accidentally switch up the present and past tenses and it's so awkward. But thank you for reminding me!
Thank you again!!