He stared at me.
His eyes gleamed with certainty
His wings golden- with no misuse of detail.
I tried to open my mouth.
Nothing came out.
He spread out his wings,
Gave me a kiss on the cheek
and flew.
He crashed.
I watched him burn.
The kiss on my cheek stings.
I survived.
But at what cost?
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,382 Literary Works • 672,542 Reviews
Hey there!
I love the subject of the poem. I like how you incorporated the tale of Icarus into it; it's what captured my attention and brought me to read this. This is a lovely short poem! I have only a few things I'd like to point out since this poem is short if you don't mind. These are just suggestions, so you don't have to listen to them if you don't want to!
He stared at me.
His eyes gleamed with certainty
His wings golden- with no misuse of detail.
I'm curious, why did you put these as separate stanzas? I think they could all work as one, but that's just my opinion!
He crashed.
I watched him burn.
Ooh, I feel like this has a lot of potential. Perhaps you were going for a clear and concise approach, but I think this is a good spot for imagery. You don't have much imagery throughout this poem, and I think adding some would really enhance your poem, such as here.
I survived.
But at what cost?
What exactly did the speaker survive? Perhaps I am missing something, and if so, then pardon me, but I feel like you could give more here, and maybe even overall. What is the situation that the characters are in? Is it like the tale, or a spin off from that tale?
Overall, this a nice and sweet poem, and I hope this review helped!
Hello @JellyRose!
Reading your work was a great experience for me. It's a nice thing and has got a beautiful theme.
No special mistakes were there in your work. You could have been better with the vocabulary part. But otherwise it's a superb piece of work.
I especially love the lines:
"The kiss on my cheeks stings.
I survived.
But at what cost?"
The pain of being separated from someone whom you love unconditionally has been fabulously reflected here, in these lines.
So overall your work is awesome. But you can be much better. As for now, well done ,keep writing and Best of luck for future!
Best wishes
Mahira
Hey, JellyRose!
To begin with, your poem is short, simple, and yet has some gravity. To me, it was because of the abrupt death and the title. I enjoyed reading it, and there isn't much need for improvement, but I'll take a shot.
The second Kline is disconnected to everything else, so I'd suggest ending it with a full stop.
In the third line, the hyphen seems to break the sentence, so replace it with a comma, maybe?
I'd like a little more description of what happens to the "He" in the poem. A little detail would not go amiss.
The ending isn't strong, because the narrator doesn't actually feel anything when s/he watches the person burn. So why say "at what cost"?
But I liked your work! It shows a lot of talent, so keep writing!
-Lee
-deleted-
Hey there JellyRose,
Jaspercat here to leave you a review on this amazing night.
Nit-picks
Overall Opinions
Ok so for the most part I think this is a sweet short poem. The formatting of it is a little confusing for me though.
While poetry is one form of writing that doesn't have to necessarily follow all the rules of the trade it still makes it easier to read when you format it in a clear and distinct way. Right now it's a little unpleasing to the eye with all the extra spaces thrown in. For one, I'm confused why you have the first three lines all by themselves when they are clearly related lines. Are they supposed to be more important than other lines?
As well, the way you do have few stanzas bunched up is a little weird. Most of them are two line stanzas but then you have one written in three lines and then the few lines that are separate. My suggestion would be to try and format your poem with similar and more cohesive ways.
My second comment has to do with the concept of show don't tell. You definitely have some really great moments for nice imagery but it still lacks a bit. Like I mentioned earlier, the crashing and burning could be very interesting to read if you expanded on it. Give that detail. Don't be afraid to make your poem a little longer.
Other than that I don't think I have any more main comments. If you have any questions feel free to ask. Good luck and continue writing, always.
"He stared at me.
His eyes gleamed with certainty
His wings golden- with no misuse of detail."
I love this introduction. It really sets up the tone for the poem, and shows us as the reader that he is confident that his hard work can pay off.
"I tried to open my mouth.
Nothing came out"
Oooh. setting up for a moving, sad ending.
"He spread out his wings,
Gave me a kiss on the cheek
And flew."
The last goodbyes are always sad. Beautiful.
"He crashed.
I watched him burn."
This could be a really good song. I mean it.
"The kiss on my cheek stings."
The last remnants of love. The power behind that one sentence. WOW.
"I survived.
But at what cost?"
WOW. Just Wow.
This is an amazing end, and really wraps up everything about the poem, showing us the point to which the character would have gone to be with their love.
All in all, I think you did a wonderful job.
Well done JellyRose!
Hey,
I see you forgot to check the box that makes it a review! Next time, make sure it's Yes. For now, maybe try contacting a mod?
Hey,
I see you forgot to check the box that makes it a review! Next time, make sure it's Yes. For now, maybe try contacting a mod?
Hey,
I see you forgot to check the box that makes it a review! Next time, make sure it's Yes. For now, maybe try contacting a mod?