We were young when we met in the shade of a tree,
I laughed with you and you laughed with me.
A friendship we started that was so true,
down in the field were the amaranth grew.
~
Summers did pass as we soon grew fonder,
watching every sunset that passed on down yonder.
Then one day, you kissed me and I kissed you,
down in the field were the amaranth grew.
~
Not before long you went east, I west
we both believed it was for the best.
We kept walking, keeping our pace true
away from the field where the amaranth grew.
~
After ten years of my half-hearted roam,
I turned my head east and traveled back home.
Then I saw you there as the warm breeze blew,
down in the field where the amaranth grew.
~
We basked in the joy of our sweet embrace,
as we were wed outside in a unique place.
We said our vows in the morning dew
down in the field where the amaranth grew.
~
Not fore long we found a home so rustic and cozy
I smiled at your smile, buoyant as a posy.
We settled down where we had quite a view,
down in the field where the amaranth grew.
~
Our minds soon turned old and our bodies were sore,
we then watched the sunset just as before.
Silently watching the shadows there strew,
down in the field where the amaranth grew.
~
Soon days passed quickly and the nights were too rough,
each stretch was a struggle, each breath was a puff.
Then one day, the angel took what was due,
down in the field where the amaranth grew.
~
I still endure the isolation without our true love,
No beauty could defy you, you were far too above.
I will soon rejoin once again with you,
down in the field where the amaranth grew.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
Hey! Cello here! Or should I say... 'Ello, it's cello! *Mumbling to self* Yes, I'll have to use that one again...
Okay, on to reviewing. This was a beautiful poem with a beautiful story and I couldn't help but imagine my Otp. *Cries for a bit* And let me tell you, when I relate something to my Otp, it should be taken as an honor. (Like seriously, this was great)
A few edits...
Okay, this is just a matter of opinion thing but I thought I'd point it out. I would take out the 'then'. It flows better without it and is still grammatically correct.
Again, matter of opinion, but I would replace the 'and' (in the first line) with a comma. Again, it just helps the flow. Additionally, you need a comma after 'walking'.
A lot of smiling here! Maybe change it up to something like 'I adored your smile...'. Just put in a different action for the speaker.
Maybe change this to something like 'Again at last, in a home with a view'. I don't know... it just feels... off.
This was a really beautiful work. Keep up the amazing writing!
-ChocolateCello
Hey there!
Retro here to do a review. So my style is I point out some suggestions and nitpicks and then at the end i'll talk about what I liked, okay?
Okay so I'm just going to basically say that there are one or two forced bits of vocab in this where it doesn't seem to fit in within your piece. For example "Decent and cosy". Decent just doesn't have the same resonance as some other vocab you could use here. For example "Rustic". Something like that would fit in with the language and style you've used in the piece. There are a few other ones like this. I'd read it out loud and if you have to pause or something doesn't sound right that means it probably isn't. That isn't to say it is bad at all, just could be improved upon.
"Cheeks up and a rosy" - This might just be me but that doesn't make sense in my head. If i'm wrong please ignore me but it just doesn't seem right to me!
"we had both believed it had been for the best." - Personally, I would change the tense of this sentence. Maybe something like "We both believed it was for the best." Just because that tense through me, but that is just a personal thing if you like it like that then keep it!
Onto what I liked. Overall I was impressed, it is very difficult to write a poem with a strong repetition and keep the reader engaged. And the unusal use of vocabulary makes it even better, it really pops! I love the cliché love story it works well here and you've done well to appropriate it and made it your own!
Overall a great little poem!
Keep up the good work,
here if you need me!
~Retro