I could give you a heart;
If you'd like it gray like mine
I could give you a soul;
If you don't mind the grime
I could give you a brain;
It's not used all of the time
I could give you my liver, kindeys, and lungs;
For, say a quarter? Three nickels? A dime?
I'd give you all of me, even my clothes;
Prices are posted on the sign
Everything: free! Just please let me come with you
I'll chill in your backpack,
I'm a ghost but I'd never scare ya or yell out boo!
I'd hang in your sneakers,
I can't smell anyways: I gave you my nostrils too
I'm following you everywhere,
Cause even when I don't exist
I'll
still
love
you
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139,506 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Hey Jedideadpool!This poem was really sweet. I This was beautifully written and I think your flow from line to line was great, it kept me reading. I was touched by the emotion that goes with this poem. I really liked the ending it was so amazing! Overall this poem his one of my favorites. Keep up the good work and I hope to read more of your work in the future! And once again you did a magnificet job with this poem!
AshleyDashley
Hello,hello!
Raindrop finally here to review atleast one of your works before I call it a day..maybe this will be my last review for today!
So let's go on with this short but hopefully helpful for you review!
I need to be honest and say i hate ' ; ' used instead of ' , ' or something else so keep this in mind,please.
I could give you a heart,
if you'd like it gray like mine.
I could give you a soul,
if you don't mind the grime.
I could give you a brain,
it's not used all of the time.
I could give you my liver, kindeys, and lungs,
for, say a quarter? Three nickels? A dime?
I'd give you all of me, even my clothes.
Prices are posted on the sign.
Everything: free! Just please let me come with you.
Sometimes I felt the rhyme to be honest I think.But it is kind of off sometimes.I like the idea of it but it is uncomplete.I like the way you talk to the reader and that makes it more cathy.The part with the many questions is the most odd for me.But overall,I like it.
I'll chill in your backpack,
I'm a ghost but I'd never scare you or yell out "boo!"
I'd hang in your sneakers,
I can't smell (anything) anyways: I gave you my nostrils (,) too.
I'm following you everywhere,
cause even when I don't exist
I'll
still
love
you
Keep on writing!
NOTHING MUCH to say.. it was really sweet!
Thank you
Hey !
Cute, little, sweet AMD beautiful poem it is. Nice rjyming of stanzas but only thing sounds not so fit is repeatitin of
"I could give you"
but may be without this its seems not so interesting . So a nice piec you have penned IUST say. Keep up on writing . Will look forward to read many more. Blessings
I tried without the repetition and it sounded worse, so I chose the lesser of two evils I guess
Thank you for your review
Hullo, welcome to the site!
This is too many adjectives in a row and while the alliteration is fun, it doesn't roll off the tongue. I'd suggest removing rancid.I'm going to try to give you some comments about each of the poems but in future you'd be better off posting one at a time as then people will have more time/ be inclined to be more in depth for each poem. If you post them in a big group like this you'll probably only get general comments.
Poem One
1. Maybe the title should be Misdirection? Or Missed Directions could be a fun pun?
2. I don't think you should start with a list of verbs. That might work later in the poem but the first line should give the reader an image or a thought as a starting point. It should be something which grabs and holds their attention and pulls them in to the rest of the poem. One of my favourites is 'The strangest thing I ever stole? - A snowman'. Those kinds of lines just make you know this is a poem you have to read.
3.
4.
5. I'm not really a fan of this one. I don't think there's enough solid imagery to really be able to picture the scene and not enough of the persona's characterisation to understand the storyline. It's fine to be vague on one of those things but both is a little tricky and only works if your poetry is really engaging.
Poem Two
1. I don't think the repetition works for you here - chop isn't an interesting enough word to be repeated so many times and there's no new meaning to be had with each iteration. A word like 'flight' works better and could be used to mean flying free in the first stanza, then flight as in escape in the second stanza or even flight as in a person's struggle.
2. I'm not sure what the meaning of the poem is to be honest so I'm not sure that I can comment any further. Is it about someone who works as a woodcutter? Probably not but I couldn't work it out - sorry!
Poem Three
1. Okay so this one's cute and definitely my favourite! There's a story right from the start and your rhyming works with the theme.
2. This is a lovely phrase but the beat in the second line is out. It would flow better as 'It's not used all the time' and still have the same meaning.
3. This line's not working for me. I'm not sure if it's because the rhyme scheme breaks here or something else.
Hi this is JustGlitter here for a review!! let's star with the first poem! I really liked the description and the flow but the cliffhanger (ish thing) at the end kind of momentarily made me want to rip my hair out ( sorry i know slightly graphic) Were do they go where! I eventually figured it out but it can be a little confusing for readers. Overall I really liked the poem. On to the next poem!! I really liked this poem although not as much as the previous poem I don't really have much to say about this one other than I liked the repeating CHOP between the lines. Last poem!! I really loved this poem and I could really relate to it and I think that most people could. I think that this would also be my favorite poem. I hope you found this review helpful ok bye!! ~JustGlitter
Heeeello. This is my first comment in a looooong time. Recently came back to YWS and what a work! This is cool. I love it. Though MadWriter/@AliceAfternoon (WHY YOU CHANGE YOUR NAME) would prefer this more because of the first poem's reference to Alice In Wonderland.
We have got this far, so we wish us well
It's not a rabbit hole, it's the road to
THE ROAD TO? I AM SO HOOKED AND NOW YOU LEFT ME WITH A CLIFFHANGER.
THE ROOOOAD TO? Nooooooo.
Welp. Thank you for this collection-ish. This is not a review because I think I suck at reviews now. PEACE OUT
HAPPY WRITING~ (damn I miss saying this)
@AliceAfternoon whadya think
Sorry for the cliffhanger!!! I didn't mean to, thought it would be obvious ._.
The word that goes there btw is "hell"
I assumed people would infer by seeing what rhymed with "well" but was also a destination... plus the context of the previous lines. *sigh* I guess I'm too sneaky for my own good xD
Spoiler
YEAH I KNOW IT IS OBVIOUS. But it is a cliffhanger nonetheless. Don't worry though, I just wanted to know if you would choose the obvious word or not or if you meant it intentionally. I guess I'm just dumb xD. But the cliffhanger is nice. *^*
you write poems but not songs smh try writing some songs chu would probably be good
I don't write songs. Personal reasons, but I always end up being really sad when I do. Also, the whole fitting it to music isn't easy for me