Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.
A barrel full of rocks on his back
Wasn't there in the beginning.
Barrel: yes. Rocks: no.
Added up over the years;
One for every time he got called a "loser"
or "idiot", "retard", "freak", "fuck-up", "worthless".
One rock doesn't do much,
Just shrug it off at the time.
Into the barrel it goes,
Nesting stolidly with the others.
Another two for a hateful glance,
Five for a betrayal.
Nobody and Anybody. The only people he knows.
Nobody sees the barrel.
Nobody takes out the rocks.
Nobody is his friend,
Anybody is his enemy.
Years pass,
the barrel fills.
His back aches
From the increased weight that he carries.
He doesn't see the weight
Contained in everyone else's barrels.
They're invisible to him,
just like his is to them.
He starts wondering why
He's the only one with a barrel.
He resents it;
Why should he be the only one with a barrel?
Fuck this barrel.
"I'll pour it out on someone else."
But he's carried it for years,
Slowly building up this weight.
They have barrels too,
They don't have strength for two.
They snap,
He snaps.
Front page news:
"couple commits suicide"
But up above it all he knows
That it wasn't suicide, it was an implosion.
After you're dead you see
Everyone's barrels.
He asks for a second chance,
But you only get one barrel.
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139,278 Literary Works • 672,524 Reviews
wow i love this one ;p go write songs now you would be good at that
Shush about the songs
shushs
i am openly underwhelmed.
this is a simple poem and that's not a good thing. you cover a topic that's a dead horse, you're beating it with a baseball bat. i imagine that you're trying to evoke an emotional catharsis out of your readers but this fell flat for me. i didn't quite get the point of this poem, either. i think it would be anti-bullying, but it does nothing to fully utilize that. instead it's like "oh look at him others judge him so they're all going to commit suicide don't be mean be understanding". the barrel analogy was interesting, so that's a good thing.
thanks.
Thanks for the great review!
If you take a look at my other works, I don't have a theme, it's just what pops into my head to write about.
I'm glad you found your way to my poem, read it, and decided to leave a review. However,
1. "an emotional catharsis" is redundant, as a catharsis is an emotional experience. Just wanted to point that out
2. The topic isn't a dead horse. Black Beauty is a dead horse. So is The Secretariat. This is a real issue, and something I've known people to struggle with. A girl, friend of mine committed suicide because her whole life her family, and her peer group told her she was lame and boring and there was no point in her being around if she couldn't just suck it up and succeed. By the time I met her, there wasn't much I could do to help her bring up her self-esteem. If I'm beating it with a baseball bat, then I think someone should beat that horse a little more often.
I wasn't trying to convey that if you get judged you're going to kill yourself, but anybody who constantly gets snubbed and verbally abused is going to explode and lash out, or implode and hurt themselves. Everyone needs friends who remind them they aren't just a piece of crap, and they're doing something right. (Everyone needs everyone to do that, but that's just me being optimistic)
And no, it's not an anti-bullying poem. It's just a poem that I felt compelled to write
Thanks about the barrel analogy! My dad uses it all the time.
If you're going to write a review about how you don't like something, maybe leave me some tips on how to make it better? Otherwise you'll probably go on not liking it.
I was getting a real strong "Your poem sucks you should just delete it because you didn't say anything original or funny" vibe off your review which makes me sad as a writer.
But I appreciate you taking the time to let me know that you feel it's not the best it could be! Feel free to talk to me more about it
you really didn't have to act sassy and disrespectful to me. i mean, it shows that you are just as hypocritical.
actually, sorry, that came off as disrespectful. but i never said delete it, i said that viewing it under a different light would help. i apologize that my review doesnt milk the work like it seems like you want it to.
o_0 that was my face while reading it! Dude seriously this was awesome! you have got a great imagination! "Barrel " amazing use of metaphor... and the ending was really mind bobling!
P.S.- you know what i just now noticed that I've reviewed 3 out of your 4 works and am planing to review the forth one too.
Feel free to! I appreciate the reviews, and I'm glad you got something from my works.
I love the extended metaphor in this. Everything in this poem is solid and hard-hitting. The profanity sort of helps to drive the frustration home, and I love how the metaphors for barrels are used. I'm a little foggy on that. Are the barrels lives? Chances? The ambiguity makes for a more interesting read, I think. All in all, it's well-written and thought out while the narrative itself is gripping and somewhat relatable. Keep up the good work!
Barrels are just the place all the negativity poured on people is put.
feel free to message me and discuss it more
Some people have strong mentors and friends who take some of the 'rocks' out and throw them away.
Have you ever noticed someone get a good, real hug, or hang out with good friends and they just stand up a little straighter? Not their actual posture, but it's just one or two of those little things got erased.
A lot of people don't get that though. They just go through life receiving hate with no one to relieve any of that weight.
Hope this makes sense to you
This was actually pretty clever.
Thanks, glad you liked it!
I have a couple other 'clever' poems if you'd like to check them out!
Hey there Watchdog1324. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
First off, you need to change the rating on your piece to 18+. The YWS Code of Ratings(I guess it could be called that) basically says if you use the f-word even once you must have a 18+/Mature rating. Check out the rules yourself or ask someone else but I'm pretty sure that's correct.
I have started using a new way to review on poems and this is only the second poem I've reviewed this way. My apologies in advance if I mess up.
The use of colons seems a bit off in this piece because you usually associate them with long lists. You were only listing one thing and then coming to a full stop. Besides you want your readers to pause and really think about what you're saying. In the current format, the reader would just rush through. It may be better to use periods in this case. The semi-colon at the end also bothered me but there's nothing that can really back me up. Onto the next quote.
I think the lines would look better if you put all of the insults on the same line. It separates them emotions from each other and just gives a better presentation. That's all, move along.
The line about shrugging it off doesn't make much sense currently. I believe that you need to insert another word but I'm not sure which you should choose. "Nesting" also gives the wrong feel to the piece. Nesting applies that the rock isn't permanent and that these memories will stay for a long while and then leave. Then again he committed suicide so the insults did leave him. Crap now I'm going to have to think about that for awhile.
I think it would actually be best to separate that third line into two new little lines. Again, I think this because it gives a stronger emotion to the piece.
To follow the patterns of your other lines, a period is definitely needed at the end of the second line.
Besides that I don't have any specific line notes/comments. I did think that your poem was quite good and symbolic(is that the right word to use?) My extent of reviewing poetry doesn't go too far so I'll try not to butcher the emotions from my interpretation.
Have a nice day.
Lizzy
Queen of the Book Clubs
This is my I've stopped counting at this point review.
*sneaks in advertisement*
As always, thanks for the awesome review! Always great to see your feedback.
Apologies. I assumed if I checked the language box that was as much as I should do. Rating will be updated.
I've fixed the grammar and punctuation errors. The line breaks, I was trying to stay in the pattern of 2/4/2/4 but I will go back and make it a little more streamlined.
Hello! I've not been on this website for very long so I'm still learning how to properly write reviews. Please feel to completely ignore my advice or at least take it with a pinch of salt, I'm still learning.
First of all, I really enjoyed this poem. I like the whole idea behind it and I think the use of short, quite blunt sentences helps to create a climax. I definitely got the sense that something was going to happen at the end, that he could only hold on for so long. I really enjoyed the line "Nobody and Anybody. The only people he knows.' I think that is a really interesting way to describe his situation and outlook on life.
The only criticism I have is the last six lines. I've read them over several times, but I don't understand quite what they mean. It's a bit disorientating as I was waiting for a conclusion to his struggle, and then I was left a but confused. It might simply be because I'm not reading it in the right way or there's a hidden meaning, but it just appears quite unclear to me.
Anyway, I hope that was in some way helpful, it probably wasn't but I'm trying. I do genuinely love this, hope you have a great day!
But I did want to break it off abruptly, because that's what it is. You don't get a second shot, no chance at redemption. You kill yourself *boop*. You're dead. B-dee-b-dee-that's all folks and everyone else has to deal with it. I was trying to capture that.
Feel free to message me if you'd like to talk more about this
And of course, thank you for the review
Ah I see I understand now, thank you for explaining!
Any time