Sharp like a thousand feathers
Slicing through the dark
The light caresses me violently
Muted tones turn a vicious white
Beating upon me invisibly
If my eyes were weapons the world would be dead
Crying out in my pain
Throwing the only thing on hand
I rise, ready to unleash terrible vengeance
Oh hi dad sorry for throwing that pillow at you when you turned on my light, pleasedon'tkillme
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey there! Just coming around to review your stuff.
I think that you did a great job with making this seem serious and humorous at the same time (somehow, I don't know how, but somehow).
I think that instead of saying
"Muted tones turn vicious white"
you should have said "turn a vicious white"
I feel like it needs that in there.
The part at the end when you apologized for throwing the pillow at dad is great. xD
I think you should write humorous poems more often.
Happy writing!
fandomsnmusic
Hey there!
That was so good! I completely agree to the fact that "light " sometimes seem as an enemy. lol. I loved the way you ended it. Like in your mind you are getting ready to kill the one who disturbed you with light and when you actually see it's your dad. Like seriously. I really couldn't help but laugh at that.
You should write more humorous poems. Your are really good at writing them.
Fangirl~
I used that sentence, "The light caresses me violently"
Because one light bulb isn't THAT much light. and light loves people, it just wants to touch everything and make it better, but in the morning that little bit of loving light is SOO painful... I didn't know how else to phrase it.
Thanks, I'm really glad you like it. I'll write them as often as they'll escape my brain ^-^
GAWD! that's wonderful way to express such a feeling!
LOL! keep writing mate...
Thanks lol, glad you like it
I'll be sure to hahah
Hey, there, bro!
WOW! I love the poem so much. *kisses the poem*. It's really interesting and amusing how you have written the poem on such a common topic. That's why the poem sounds so uncommon. Well done with that.
Criticism ~
Grammatical mistake. Write - "thousand feather", no "a".
This is something that I like. Still, I wanna remind you that, "caress" actually means to touch lovingly. Now, how can it take the adverb "violently"? This is an important thing to consider. If you don't use the right words, a beautiful poem may just get ruined.
Still, I love this line cus of the contradiction of those two words - Caress and Violently.
And, you should have used some punctuation. Otherwise, all the different moods tend to become the same, which becomes something like Hotchpotch.
And, bro, the last line. EPIC. Osthir.
That's all from me. Thanks for the poem. I really enjoyed.