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goodbye.

by Magebird


goodbye.

I’ve never been in a relationship.
I’ve never held another person’s hand
tightly in my own as we strolled down
a path with our fingers and souls entwined.
I’ve never dealt with a break-up in the
traditional version of the word.

But I’ve felt like
eating tub after tub
of vanilla ice cream
after my first group of friends left.
I just wanted to curl up
underneath countless blankets
in a dark fortress
for the rest of my life.

And I felt hot, passionate anger
when the second group
decided I wasn’t worthy.
I knew I was the one
who sent the fatal text
and felt an endless cycle of guilt.
But I still ultimately blamed them
and the drawing of our group
that didn’t have me in it.

Now I’m the one who
severed the ties.
I left and said you weren’t worthy.
Part of me knows
that friendship is never simple.
I might have been the one
to hit send and block,
but you were the one still
treating me like the child I was
when we first met years ago.


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Wed Jan 22, 2020 3:02 pm
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Softballgirl333 says...



This poem really hits hard for me, especially in this current moment in time. Because I never really have been in a relationship or any sort. I think you have given me some inspo for my next poem ^^




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Tue Jan 21, 2020 3:09 pm
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teamwsmf wrote a review...



This poem hits home from the first stanza. It really does portray the complicated nature of betrayal in a simplistic way, but I think that adds to the general attitude of the poem. In the lines following the first stanza, the details that help the user visualize the loss of a friend might be just a tad too cliche, but the prose is good nonetheless.

Because it covers a subject matter that can be understood by nearly any human being on the planet, this poem cuts a few corners, but I think that the author really does have a good story to tell here.

If I were to give any suggestions from a personal viewpoint, I would say that the author should give the poem a more personal touch. Whether it be with more evocative imagery or more emotional exclamations, the poem could be slightly improved. The author still wrote a fantastic poem, and it really did bring a swell of emotion to my mind.




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Mon Jan 20, 2020 3:17 pm
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CassieList says...



I like how well this flows together! Even though ive never had a breakup ive had people back stab me and betray me before. I can see how the person feels in this poem. I really like this work and will show this to my friends. Good job Jaybird!




Magebird says...


Thanks for your comment and compliments! :)



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Mon Jan 20, 2020 3:16 am
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DarkWeb says...



This was nice but you need to put something to drawl them in.




Magebird says...


Thanks for your comment! Do you have any suggestions on what I should throw in?



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Sun Jan 19, 2020 6:19 am
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MeherazulAzim16 wrote a review...



HI JAYBIRD!

In a way, the poem attempts to answer the age-old (kinda) question of "What's worse than a break-up?" The speaker has never been through one. But I suppose the speaker wonders whether it compares with the pain of losing friends. Maybe it doesn't matter, because when you lose friends it hurts like hell and it's a different kind of hell. It's always complicated when friendship ends, I like that the poem explores all the different ways it can happen.

I may have an issue with the tense.

I just want to curl up
underneath countless blankets


It sounds a little off to me (as the previous part in the stanza seemed to be in present perfect). But mainly because of what it does to the meaning of the stanza. I think "I just wanted to.." works better. Unless it's actually implied the speaker wants to curl up under countless blankets when the speaker remembers the time that first group of friends left.

Now I’m the one who
severed the ties.


It's an interesting place to end the poem on. Bit of a nod to the "you're a villain in somebody's story" notion. Gives the poem more perspective. People leave us, sometimes we leave people too. The perspective shift will make one wonder if the friends who left had good reasons for doing so (at least in their head.) Overall, I like the conclusion: friendship is never simple.

That's the review. You have a wonderful day.

Excelsior!

~MAS




Magebird says...


Thank you for your review! The line was supposed to say "wanted" instead of "want", so also thanks for pointing out that typo. :)



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Sun Jan 19, 2020 5:05 am
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tgham99 wrote a review...



I love that this poem spans across different avenues of both closeness and loneliness; rather than focusing on either romantic relationships or platonic relationships, you combine the two and delve deeper into what it means to say goodbye. I particularly like the ending because our narrator feels a sense of solidarity in knowing that this time around, they were the reason for that farewell conversation rather than the victim.

You transition well from the first stanza to the next -- you catch the reader's attention by "luring" them in with the concept of becoming heartbroken, but you quickly move into how that pain can translate easily into the loss of a friendship.

This was a very relatable poem which is something that I know a few other reviewers have pointed out, so I applaud you for effortlessly narrating an experience that so many people are familiar with. That being said, I do think that the poem would have benefited from some more intense imagery in the form of adjectives, but if I'm being honest, this is just a personal preference more than anything else. I'm a big fan of the dramatic so I would've loved to see some more metaphors and similes but again this is just a personal note.

This was an interesting and enjoyable poem that delves deeper into something we're all familiar with -- you did a wonderful job and I can't wait to read more of your writing <3




Magebird says...


Thank you for your review! I've been working on imagery, so I'll definitely try incorporating that into either future drafts of this poem or other pieces of poetry. <3



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Oshan wrote a review...



Wow, I will say I loved your poem!

Actually, I love when people use free verse to write poem as I find the traditional way (the rhyming thingy) too much constraining :)

I also loved the fact that you sent your message well as a lot of writers have a hard time sharing it to readers. The piece is either only understood by the writer himself/herself/themself or it is shared well to its audience. The latter being your case.

"Now I’m the one who
severed the ties.
I left and said you weren’t worthy.
Part of me knows
that friendship is never simple."

In this particular part, I really felt called out as I also severed ties with my old friends as they didn't treat me right... Like I said, this piece seemed to have connected with me more as I am living this moment right now (;_;)

The only "bemol" would be the fact that it wasn't longer hihi (I would've liked to know what they actually did to you)! Hope to see more of you!




Magebird says...


Thanks for your review! My poems tend to be on the longer side, so I was worried I'd make this one too long if I added onto the description of our friendship. But I guess it's alright if I add a stanza about it? :)



Oshan says...


It would be perfect :3



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Sat Jan 18, 2020 7:47 pm
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Zrillis wrote a review...



This was very interesting to me. I'm personally not a fan of this writing style, but that's not to say you didn't do it well. There is a very deep sadness behind the words and I felt that as I read this entry. the emotions of regret and sadness rang through very clearly. It made me recall some times when I felt abandoned, or my friends turned out to be fake and walked away.

the emotion behind this is something that some writers fail to set across well, but you did it really well.

keep it up. I enjoyed this a lot and hope you keep writing.




Magebird says...


Thank you for your review!



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Sat Jan 18, 2020 5:08 pm
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MadagascarMaiden wrote a review...



I love it!! you really express the pain of loss, and the guilt of rejecting a good friend. I think maybe you were trying to express something you felt, I don't know. But I feel that only someone who experienced it could have written it. Maybe i'm wrong, you tell me. Keep writing poems, there awesome. And keep up the good work. :-) From one poet to another.




Magebird says...


Thank you for your review! This was written from my own experience, so I'm glad I was able to convey that. :)



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Sat Jan 18, 2020 4:25 am
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juliannarexroad wrote a review...



hey Jaybird,

its julianna, same person, new account.
i noticed you had quite a few works in the greeroom so i figured i would check them outs

i’ll begin with what i found not so pleasant about your poem. i wanted for a more well thought out structure. we were taught in grade school that poems are supposed to rhyme flawlessly and each new sentence has to begin with a capital letter but we have strayed away from that into a more “as long as you can paint an emotional picture in someones head, you can poem” i needed more well thought out lines. as i was reading i found a few places the words could be changed and they would rhyme. my major critic is your entire first stanza is a run-on sentence and it needs to re-evaluated. another something you could work on is word choice. biggest writing cliché says to “show don’t tell”. read through you poem with someone else's perspective and picture what you’re reading in your mind, ask yourself “is this the picture i'm trying to paint?”

i did relate to the story you told. i fell like every teenager alive has had some kind of breakup or break-off from a friend(s). you just put it into words. your stanza about wanting crawl into a fortress of blankets hit home for me. I also loved the slow evolution of your feelings and how clearly you portrayed that.the first story, i could feel your pain. the second i could sense your deep anger, the third i saw annoyance, and the forth i could sense growth. you evolved into the girl who knew toxic friendships weren't worth it and decided to cut ties all by yourself.


thank you for listening!
—————————————-
julianna rexroad :)




Magebird says...


Thank you for the review! I'm glad you enjoyed my poem, and thanks for trying to get my work out of the Green Room! I'm actually a bigger fan of free verse poetry than rhyming poetry - I feel like forcing a rhyme where there isn't naturally one is too restrictive in my own writing. But I can see what you mean about the first stanza, and about my tendency to show and not tell. I've been trying to work on that, but I definitely still need some practice.



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Sat Jan 18, 2020 3:46 am
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jf21 says...



This is so good! I love it and it’s very relatable! Keep on writing :)




Magebird says...


Thanks for your comment! I'm glad you liked my poem. <3



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Sat Jan 18, 2020 2:51 am
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GirlWithATypewriter wrote a review...



Hey! GirlWithATypleWriter here for a review. This review might seem a little informal so please excuse me. I'm honestly still shaking with emotions after reading this. I connect to this on an unexplainable level because I've never had a love in my life as such but I have had many heartbreaks when I just started losing friends after friends. I'm sorry that you had to go through it too and can only hope that it gets better.
I'm sorry I know that this isn't even close to speaking about the content but I just really had to say this.
Moving on to the poem. Beautiful, well-flavored lines with a great choice of simple words. It flowed very nicely and there seemed to be no jarring confrontations anywhere. I love how you transition into the second stanza. You're just explaining how you haven't experienced the feeling of love as such but you have dealt with the downfalls of love.

"But I’ve felt like
eating tub after tub
of vanilla ice cream
after my first group of friends left.
I just want to curl up
underneath countless blankets
in a dark fortress
for the rest of my life."

This entire stanza was very relatable and resonated with the feelings people have post-break-ups but you managed to shed a light on it from a different perspective.

The only thing that would've probably helped me understand the poem a little more is if you'd explained about the "fatal text" a bit because it leaves the reader wondering what happened with the second group of friends.

To sum it up a great poem and I hope to see more from you.

XOXO




Magebird says...


Thanks for the review! I'm glad you liked my poem, and I can see what you mean about the text line - I'll reword that one in the future so it either explains what happened more or excludes that line entirely.




In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.
— Robert Frost