Preface
For this piece, I ran through it a couple of times with few revisions. This is because, as this isn't what I would consider a necessarily 'professional' piece, I would like my work to be presented at a somewhat raw stage. You may consider this a short story.
Start
The sun rose in the sky, bestowing upon the Earth the gift of light. The trees, which in their eloquence relayed the message of beauty to those who stood below, swayed gently in the wind. It was a thick undergrowth that those below made their way through, bemoaning the thick forestry while enjoying the mild climate that was unbecoming of the region. The sky, still lit up by the sun, remained as unmovable below as the forest itself melded around the few people below. One surveying the region would find few peculiar features to speak of, mostly due to the fact that the carpet of the forest floor was blocked out by any number of giant tree species which made their home in the region.
The purpose of those milling about below was indiscernible by all but themselves, and any passerby would note the sheer irregularity of the group. They were a shabby bunch, young and old, treading through the forest with apparently no aims, traipsing in no regularly decided direction while studying the forest around them. Who knew what they were doing, or what they could possibly mean to do at all in this perpetual forest.
It was nearing the end of the day by the time they stopped to stand in a single field, unmarred by anything but those who stood within it. They did not speak, nor did they make any signs that they were going to speak in any short manner of time.
As the sun itself died out, the softest scream was heard within the forest. An animal, perhaps? The trickle of a stream, as it let out into a larger pond, could be heard from the field at which time they inhabited.
A tendril of common thought made its way through the group, and they descended back into the forest. What point they had accomplished in the field, no one could possibly know. It was only known that they simply meandered, and with no common purpose, did peculiar things.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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139,429 Literary Works • 672,561 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!!
First Impression: Hmm...well for a random writing sample, this wasn't too bad, it was pretty good actually. The start had some good description, and then there was a bunch of random wandering characters, that was a bit off but ehh...considering what this is, that's fine.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay....pretty grand description to start off with there, phew...will I have to bust out that thesaurus or not...that is the question here, so far its all flowing relatively well together, you're getting a pretty cool visual without running into too many that can break the floor, so alright, this is off to a pretty cool start here, alright let's see what this random sample has to offer, judging by the title I assume this is not meant to be a story.
OKay...well that's an interesting set of characters to introduce, just some folks randomly trampling around in a forest, it just seems almost funny with how much of a lack of purpose is on display here, reminds me of a description of atoms in a textbook almost there...okay...that aside, let's see where its going.
That last line is a little weird, I feel like extended that a tiny bit too much, it would be better to just say they showed no sign and end it there, that extension kind of makes it loose its meaning at the end there, at least to me anyway.
Screams are relatively common in forests, it could probably be anything there...but hmm...points for appropriate forest atmosphere there...
Okay...well the ending there was a little weird, it didn't quite seem to make too much sense to reinforce it with the mention of peculiar things but otherwise, pretty solid ending there.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, a pretty decent story that you've got going here....it was certainly a pretty interesting read. Aaand that's all I've gotta say here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Well, here it goes...
Your writing seemed clear, and it felt like you know where you were going. However I had no idea where you were going. There wasn't many areas were as the reader I couldn't figure out anything about this place you were trying to tell us. You haven't introduced any characters which makes it hard to be pulled in to the work. I did however see great detail in your piece of work and that is good. Use that amazing sense for detail to develop a little more with the rest of the story.
As of this being a beginning of a story, I think that it is rather to short for that. It lacks development of characters and plot. After reading this I was left with multiple questions in my mind. Work hard and go over this multiple times, and this is going to be an amazing piece of work one day. Good luck.
Thank you for your review. I do not exactly intend on this becoming anything. I do reference this forest in my newest novel, however. I believe if you are looking for a more concrete piece of mine that seems to be more like a novel, you should read the first chapter of A Lovecraftian Horror.
All right, two things, and I think I'll go with the positive first.
You have excellent descriptions and a superb writing style. The words ebb and flow with the scenery in a manner that can really help the reader visualize the setting. In fact, I'd almost consider it bordering on "Purple Prose" (very large and peculiar words used to describe the mundane) were it not so well-written. Also, this "chapter" could almost work as a small short story in its own right, although it would not make much of one. It has a beginning, a middle, and an ending, and goes in sync with the day/night cycle of the forest. Kind of works.
Now for the not so good.
I don't know what I'm reading. I know about as much about this world after reading this chapter as I did before, save for the fact that it has big trees and forests, and has groups of aimless wanderers doing strange things. There's nothing revealed, nothing shown, no characters introduced. I could see this working as more of a prologue. The one consolation I can give this is that it can grab a reader's interest (who are these people? what do they do? why is this forest so big?). Sadly, it's ultimately just a "walk through the woods" sort of story rather than a "beginning of a book" chapter.
And now for nitpicks:
"Undergrowth" is a single word.
"Shear" means to cut or shave. I think you meant "sheer."
This doesn't need commas after "stream" and "pond." They can all be part of the same clause.
I don't think "descended" is the best word for this action, since descending involves going down. Maybe this is just a personal nitpick rather than a grammar error, though.
Actually, your stuff is pretty well written. I'm not the best proofreader, but there weren't many errors I could pick out other than those shown above. Better than my writing. Excellent job!
Ultimately, it was good, but I hope your later chapters have more of the plot to them. Sorry if I sounded a little harsh. It's well written, I just don't feel much of a story in there yet.
Best of luck with the later chapters!
Thank you for these comments. Yes, this is bordering on purple prose. I believe it would have been better had I called this "random" and not acted like it should be taken as seriously as a novel might. I am going to resubmit this as a "random" writing sampling rather than a serious piece. Thanks again!
Eh, I wouldn't call it random. Just needs a bit of work. Again, it could work as more of a prologue than a first chapter, but it still works as a part of a novel.
Well, I'm writing an actual novel right now, and this might become part of it somehow. Thanks again for your review.