Chapter One
I’ve considered a great many things in this life that have been unwise, but perhaps what I intended to do presently would rise to be the most unwise. In execution, it was quite simple. I would play my part, and everyone would play theirs. That was not in dispute, as it was part of the physics of the world.
However, committing myself to such actions proved to be more difficult than I had anticipated. The gun, a heavy mass of metal protruding from my weary cloak, was about as obvious as a flashing neon sign to me. Every moment signaled the arrival of a fleet of cops to put me down, every sound was a gunshot that would send a speeding bullet through my heart.
The walk from the entrance to the counter was a bone-rattling affair, yet I made it to the end without many issues to speak of. The dull patter of my worn shoes upon the fancy marble floor of the bank sounded as if each individual step created sound equal to a gunshot, and my heart sounded like a bomb exploding, each dull thump reminding me of where a bullet may rest in my body.
Upon reaching the counter, I hesitantly fingered the gun. Perhaps it was time to turn back, perhaps it was time to run away before the cops arrived. I didn’t run away, though. I took a sharp breath, and aimed without looking. My hands came up, but I didn’t look up to see what I was pointing at.
It turned out I was pointing at a young girl, blonde, terrified but struggling to remain composed. I instructed myself not to look in her eyes, for fear that I would drop the gun and simply dart out the door. My hands shaking, I ensured the gun was pointed at a place that ought to be fatal, and then I spoke.
“Vault. Now.”
The two words, which seemed to linger in the air for an eternity, exhausted my supply of courage and I once more felt that it may be prudent to exit the situation in a very quick manner.
To my own inconvenience, I had to walk all the way around the counter so that I could be lead to the vault. There were no security guards to speak of, which indicated my friends had held up their end of the bargain.
The vault was thick, as I had imagined, and imposing. It was electronic, and she had to enter passcodes and pass a fingerprint scanner to be admitted access. Once it swung open, I could see clearly into it. A single light illuminated the vault, throwing relief upon the bags of money resting on the floor. There wasn’t much, maybe 10,000 dollars.
Pointing my gun straight at her head, I backed into the vault carefully. I wasn’t going to take any chances. I could carry two money bags and still point the gun, but it didn’t matter. This wasn’t about money.
Once I was out of the vault, I dared to release my breath in a gasping, almost suffocating matter. The girls’ eyes were darting around, obviously looking for a way out. But I still had my gun pointed at her, so there wouldn’t be an exit. Perhaps an exit wound, but no exit outside of the bank if she ran. Luckily, she didn’t run. Luckily, I didn’t have to do what I said I would do.
The bank was empty, as had been arranged previously, so I did not encounter any civilians as I walked back into the antechamber of the bank. Taking little time to marvel at its marble floors, statues, or any other features, I made my swift exit.
End of chapter
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139,429 Literary Works • 672,561 Reviews
*claps* Very interesting indeed. I could see everything like I was looking over her shoulder. I do wish you made it longer though. I am sorry about your writers block though that has to stink right now. But your first chapter flowed perfectly and so many questions popped in my head. Hopefully you answer them as the story continues.
OK now I am done.
I am not bad mouthing Sylar 14 I understand why they pointed out that she didn't close the door. I feel like the reason is cause she is freaking out (which you made clear with a well typed description well) so of course she wouldn't think about all the steps.
I am not sure about a title though, that you where asking for. I honestly think it is to soon for one so I would just say stick with Criminal for now till you progress more with the story and the title will make its self. Here are some ideas to think about while you are thinking of one:
You are using a female as the main character.
She is a criminal
Reminds me of a rogue almost.
Maybe part of a group (maybe make it small so everyone is more connected within the group)
Make her the new recruit in the group?
She has a reason to be a criminal.
I hope some of my suggestions help and the best way to get pass writers block is to write even be it crappy it can still help!
P.S. I just though of a awesome title, make it her name. Giver her a unique name and that can be the title? Like angel, Cat, Fay, Ghost (less likly), spider. Maybe something like that
First of all, thanks for your review. I am now aware that I asserted a certain amount of ambiguity as far as the gender of the protagonist in this piece, as I didn't really say in any certain terms the gender of the main character. I myself didn't even really consider gender. Using the first person in an ambiguous way allowed me to remove gender from the equation unintentionally. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure what gender I was going for. When I wrote this, I did it without much thought. I was simply writing (almost as if it were a concept). Sorry for writing so much, but this has elicited some thought about the possible directions of the story. As aforementioned in an earlier reply to a review, I have the second chapter completed, so writer's block shouldn't be an issue as far as it being released. Also, on that note, I wrote a short poem today for the first time in a few weeks (I might submit it too eventually).
I liked this! It's short, yet intriguing. I'll have to go find the second chapter on your profile. (I hope it's there.)
I like how you put us in the head of a criminal. That's probably something that catches my interest, considering I love the thought of criminal minds. I love reading things that pick apart what's going on in a criminal's head why they commit a crime. Because law breakers always confuse me, so I like it when I can figure out just exactly WHY they did what they did. Does that make sense?
I didn't see a lot wrong with this piece here (though I'm not the best at critique, I admit).
One thing that I find could be fixed, is the fact that our criminal steps into the vault to get the money bags. If I were the girl, I'd shut the vault! Even if there was a change I might get shot! (Okay, that might be a lie. I kind of value my life more than $10,000...) Anyways, our criminal seems pretty paranoid, and that thought seems like it should have maybe crossed his mind at least once.
So I feel maybe he should have ordered her to get the money bags out for him?
Just a thought.
As for title suggestions? I like Criminal just fine (that being my personal opinion). It's simple and sweet; straight to the point. Though I'll try my best to think of better suggestions as I continue reading the story, because it's currently to short for me to have any ideas on different titles.
That's all I have to say about this!
I shall now go and try to find the second chapters.
Sorry, the second chapter isn't out yet! (If it were, I would have it in a folder with this chapter.) I am suffering writer's block right now, and this chapter was written about four weeks ago in reality. I wrote the second one a while after this one, but I have to edit it before I release it here. Thanks for your review.
Hi,
Overall I like your chapter and and all but I didn't really understand the situation. Was the character robbing a bank? I really have no idea. I also liked your choice of words. They weren't words that not many authors (that I already reviewed) on this site use which is good. Like I said before, there isn't really much I can say because the whole plotline was very confusing.
I would of thought it would be pretty clear where he was, but I will add some more obvious clues in. Thanks for your review.
Also the sense of mystery is part of the experience, but I can see it might be a little confusing in the beginning.