The ship blared its alarm again, a terrible, very loud sound.
Red lights flashed repeatedly, giving the interior a dark feeling. Power was out, engines were out, comms were out.
It was Captain Drey's worst nightmare.
“Get power back! Get it on now!” the old captain shouted to his officers on the deck. They scrambled to work, trying to find the problem. Some were in shock.
It had all happened so fast.
First, the ship shook, then there was a terrible wrenching sound and the power went out. Darkness had flooded the ship until the backup power kicked in, turning on the emergency lights and alarms.
“Dang it, tell me what’s going on down there! Visual, communications, something!” Drey shouted, making some officers jump.
“Sir! I have a visual from a personal drone of mine,” a young man, presumably a Private, held out a tablet to Drey. He took it, and watched the feed. The drone had gone to the side of the ship to find a massive hole, looking as though it had blown outward. Except...there were no burn marks. There were, however, a lot of bodies. Some were already dead, some were dying, others were soldiers in vac-suits, trying to save people.
“Roses in fire...what is this? What happened?” Drey demanded, looking up.
The Private stuttered, “Uh...I-I’m not sure, sir!”
The feed shut off. Drey noticed something going for the drone, just before it cut to static. He noticed two things.
All the living had died, including the soldiers, who had started shooting, but died quickly.
Second...a violet eye. A singular, hateful eye had filled the camera just before it was broken.
In the middle of space.
Drey paled.
The private looked at him, concerned, “Cap-Captain? Is everything alright, sir?”
Drey just put his head into his hands, dropping the tablet.
“He’s here,” was all the captain said.
“Sir? Who’s here?” the private asked.
“CAPTAIN! SOMETHING’S COMING THIS WAY!” an officer shouted at his terminal.
That drove Drey into action. He grabbed the multi-tool at his belt and jumped up, rushing to the door. Using the laser setting, he melded the doors shut. Some of the other officers joined him.
“Captain? Who’s coming!? Sir?!” one officer shouted.
Drey turned to the scared, waiting faces. “Soldiers, don’t be afraid. The Rose will guide us. Protect us.”
“But from what?!”
Drey lowered his eyes. “Pendrake,” he whispered.
There were some gasps and then the yelling began. People rushing far away from the door.
“OFFICERS!” Drey yelled.
Silence fell over the fearful Yendians, and they looked back to him.
“Do not fear him. That is what he wants. Stand up. Fight. Know that the Rose will accept you for facing such a terrible foe without faltering. The Gardener will smile upon you at Eden.”
Drey heard some murmurs among the crowd, but they began to motion their arms into the symbol of the Rose. Drey smiled grimly, and turned to the door.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing…
Then the screaming started. Drey turned around, horrified to find that Pendrake had somehow come through the floor or somewhere else. He had a maniacal grin on his face, and his violet eyes were shining.
The dark god wore a simple black robe, which was now stained with blood as he swept through the twenty or so officers in the room, ripping them to pieces with incredible speed. Drey could barely comprehend what was happening.
He didn’t recover until he found himself kneeling at the main control console, making the
Symbol of the Rose repeatedly. Dozens of mangled corpses littered the Deck. Viscera was everywhere. It was disgusting.
Drey looked up, finding Pendrake finishing off the Private that had the drone. He was the only other living person in the room...but not anymore. Drey felt tears coming to his eyes, but he held them back and continued his prayer to the Gardener.
Pendrake stepped, barefoot, into the pools of blood around the control console, closer to Drey.
The evil deity frowned when he realized what Drey was doing.
“She is weak,” Pendrake said, in an impossibly deep voice.
Drey paused his mantra, looking up into the eyes of his worst nightmare, “...Wh...who?”
“Rose. The Gardener. Whatever you foolish mortals call her. She is a weak imitation, a mere fragment of a god.”
The old captain returned to his mantra, lowering his head, “My god is no imitation.”
Pendrake laughed, a dark, unexpected sound, “You Yendians…” Pendrake suddenly grabbed Drey by the throat, bringing him up to his eyes. Drey had to stop making the Rose and look into those deep abysses. Millennia of horror. Eons of dread.
“WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW, CAPTAIN?” He spat the last word.
Drey smiled.
“Waiting for me,” he whispered.
Drey slammed his fist down on the console behind him, pressing the button that opened the shields of the deck.
The two men were pulled into the void, along with the corpses behind them.
With his last breaths, Drey kept smiling. He knew Pendrake would survive - barely an inconvenience to him, in fact - but the Gardener would hopefully see his valiant act and know Captain Armandus Drey to be worthy fruit.
Drey flipped through the void, feebly attempting one more Symbol of the Rose.
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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
Hi JamesPeterson,
Mailice here with a short review!
This was a really interesting and exciting story you wrote here. It had a very quick and hurried pace and felt like the beginning of a small battle. I liked that you kept the dynamics under control.
I thought it also made the whole short story read at a very fast pace and I liked that you managed to keep that kind of tension until the end. I found the dialogue a bit simplistic, and I think you could definitely do something about that, but I don't know what I would say in a situation like that.
But I also noticed that because of the rush you build up in this story, a lot of information is left out for the reader. I really like how you build everything up and come up with different names (of plants) to describe the danger, but it ultimately leaves the reader sitting there on the mountain of questions that they can't answer so quickly. I think you could either insert something like "files" that tell something about the different creatures, or somehow build it into the plot. The question is how best to do that without destroying the dynamic.
Another point that struck me:
This sentence sounds very choppy and bumpy because of the addition of the last part. I would split it up or paraphrase it, like this: "All the living were dead. Even the soldiers, who had started shooting. They all died in a quick manner.
Otherwise, I thought it was a very well-written text, even if it was drafted too quickly in some places!
Have fun writing!
Mailice
Heya, Angel here with a review,
This was an amazing short story! While, even though it was a short story, I would have loved to see more. It was very interesting and was definitely a thrilling story. I would love to see a part two if you haven't already made one. It would be nice for you to clear up some questions or things that might have been confusing. Because, although it was an amazing story, there are so many things things that I am honestly confused about. For example, why is Pendrake the way he is? I mean, it's a good question, that I would really love the answer to. And that's only one question! I have so many more. Anyway, that's all I have to say about this story!
Thank you for reading this review, and having such an amazing story for me to review,
Angel
Thanks for the review! There is a part 2 actually. Its called miracles. I should put a link to it in this one maybe. There might he a p3 who knows!
Alright, I'll go check it out right now!
This is an interesting start to what I hope is an interesting series. Honestly, this has the feel of an actual piece of writing out of a novel. My only complaint is the suicide that Drey commits. Something about it doesn't seem quite right, as he knows that it won't affect Pendrake. Hope to see this continue to grow! Who knows? Maybe you'll create your own mythos!
That was not in anyway short of amazing!
E 10/10
Dang! That was crazy. Even though this is super short (as it is a short story), I got the feeling that something bigger was going on in the background. Who is Rose? Who is the Gardner? Why is Pendrake like this? This leaves a lot of questions and hooks the reader for more. Flesh it out some so that it flows smoothly and this could become a small piece in a large series.
I like the vibe I am getting from this piece. It is totally engrossing and very nice. By the way, dude you are ancient, what retirement home are you in, lol? I like the dialogue and the clear showing of their terror from this god. The terms are spot on. The flow is somewhat choppy in the beginning, I really liked this, tag me on the next part, or whatever you call it. Peace out!
Ha, I'm not 99, but I decided to choose the oldest date..... :p
Ho there, James!
The Cidrian Writer's Guild is here to satiate our own egos by being unnecessarily mean about something you're, in all likelihood, emotionally attached to! Ready? No? TOO BAD!
For starters, we do love the story. It's written a little clunkily (totally a word) at the beginning, but then the drama at the ending is freaking beautiful.
The biggest thing we'd like to make note of is your description of the characters as "Yendians." It's a good alien race name, if that's what they're intended to be, but it feels strange having this name assigned to them without any physical description of them, leaving us to imagine them as human. Of course, we're not ones to talk, having massive descriptive flaws in our own stories.
We greatly enjoyed your ending. It was well written, gets the emotions across, and is visually interesting as well. The comment about Pendrake stepping into the blood barefoot makes one think about Voldemort's rebirth in Goblet of Fire, and that aids to heighten the sense of evil one gets from him.
One thing we're not sure of is why Drey would feel the need to blow himself out into space with Pendrake, knowing that Pendrake is a deity. Perhaps things work differently in your universe, but most people agree that deities are fairly immortal. Even in Norse mythology, gods that "die" are merely transported to a different plane of existence. It seemed a bit odd to us, but perhaps Drey simply wanted to metaphorically spit in Pendrake's face before he died.
All in all, it's a good story and if you wanted to expand it into a series, we would encourage you to.
Sláinte,
The Cidrian Writer's Guild (again, that's us).
Hah, yeah, the Yendians are humans, but I hadn't described them. Also, the fact of his suicide is more about not giving Pendrake the satisfaction of killing him more than anything.
The Gardener takes only the best fruit.
The Yendians believe they have to stay brave and be "good fruit" till the end.
Also...that wasn't mean enough....
Wow! This is such an interesting mix of sci-fi and epic occult fantasy. I like how you get straight into the action. But it might be nice if you developed your characters a little more. It would help me feel more emotionally attached.
For the most part, I really liked your prose. It was crisp, easy to follow, and very appropriate to the style of the story you were telling. But I do feel like you could have used fewer adjectives and adverbs, it would make it even cleaner.
I had a lot of fun reading and reviewing your story. The setting and over-all aesthetic weren't ones I have seen much before and it was very cool! - YellowSweater.
Thanks. I didn't develop the characters yet, because its a short story and if I enjoy the world and characters, I will come back to them.
HYJ here with a review!
Before reading: Science fiction! My favorite
After reading: Wowwww!!!
Incredible! I love everything about this piece! Spotless grammar, exceptional prose and spelling, just pitch perfect. I especially enjoyed the heart-rending action and the interesting cliffhanger there at the end-I wonder what happens to them. You clearly put the time and effort to make this good. I have to say, I am impressed. I like how you have 'gods' in an sci fi setting-is this science fiction fantasy? Grim-dark? Probably inspired by WH40K, but I love it! 10/10 exceptional work. Please notify me when you make a new chapter! Also, check out my sci-fi novel, Exodus, one sci-fi writer to another. Make some more lore, and explain the setting more then too!
Well, Drey will probably not appear again, unless it is in the past, or he is referred to in the offhand. But this world will be explored more, along with the Church of the Rose.
What about Pendrake? Is he a avatar or something?
How strong is the god of Dread?
Ha, Pendrake. Pendrake is a character alluded to in dozens of my stories. He is a fun person to play with, and he will be appearing again. If you remember, earlier in the story, Pendrake is already outside the ship without a suit when he kills those trying to save the civilians.
Also, he is not the God of Dread. He is the Void Lord. Something you learn more about later. I have built up a carefully crafted, connected universe. It uses something called the Sednar Theology.
You will learn about it at another time.
Noice! How powerful is he? How old is he?
All will be revealed.
For age...the time of this is around five thousand years after Rose...and she was around 2 thousand after him... so somewhere near 7 thousand years old