z

Young Writers Society


12+

Hands of Death - Part One: The Note

by JamesPeterson


The police were stumped.

They had scoured the crime scene for hours, used black lights, microscopes, the best detectives, and nothing seemed wrong.

Except that a perfectly healthy twenty year old died of natural causes, and her door had been broken open.

Detective Russel, a short, slightly pudgy man, stepped under the crime scene tape. It was night outside, though the investigation had begun two days ago in the morning. He was from outside the precinct.

They must be very desperate, he thought, entering the house. Several people were still looking over every inch of the place. He saw two important looking men with badges standing by a body outline on the ground and made a beeline for them.

“You sure it wasn’t poison?” Russel said as he neared them.

One looked up from the file he had, a quizzical expression on his face.

“Not any poison we know. And who's asking?” His voice was deep and gravelly, matching his rough face that had a few scars and a beard.

“Detective Edward Russel, i'm from upstate, got called in,” he said, putting out his hand.

The man ignored it.

Rude.

The second man, however, grabbed his hand and shook it, “Pardon Johnson’s inhospitality. My name is Detective Zhang Wei, I’m the head detective here.”

He was slightly shorter than Johnson, with a balding head and a few wrinkles. There was a smile on his face, but it looked forced. They were all tired.

“Nice to meet you sir. I read the case file, so no need to brief me. Have we found anything of use?” Russel asked.

Wei scoffed, “If you read the file you’d know we hadn’t. Why do you think we called you in? They say you’ve got a good eye, so we hope you can help here.”

Russel nodded, taking in the scene. Pictures never did justice, you always had to be there.

“Why do we think its homicide? Why not just natural causes?” Russel asked, eyes running across the room.

Johnson responded this time, “Cause she was twenty years old, and had a perfect medical record. Very fit, very healthy. We didn’t even find any ice cream in her freezer.”

“What's the exact way she died again?”

“Cardiac arrest.”

Seems a bit cliche, but alright.

This person clearly knew what they were doing, because only the door was disturbed. Everything else, every molecule seemed immaculate.

Russel stepped into the other rooms, but eventually came back into the living room.

“Nice place.”

Johnson just raised an eyebrow and returned to talking with Wei.

So if nothing was disturbed, was it actually a murder? Every single thing clean of fingerprints, of blemi-

Gotcha.

A painting of a hand on the wall.

Russel walked over to it. The painting was of a hand that seemed to be bleeding darkness. Though simplistic in style, it had veins of black running up the palm, shadows extending up the fingers. The index finger extended past the rest, seeming to point upward.

Wei came up behind him a moment later. “Seems a bit strange, but we ran fingerprints and a black light, there's nothing on it.

“Sir, of course there isn't anything on it.”

Wei seemed confused.

Russel rolled his eyes, then turned the painting upside down.

Wei jumped slightly, “Detective Russel, you aren’t wearing gloves! I don’t know how things work in your precinct but here-”

Russel ignored him and followed where the finger pointed. An electrical outlet at the base of the wall. “Have you opened that?”

Wei shook his head, still confused, “Well, its just an outlet, and…”

Russel pulled out a swiss army knife and flipped up the screwdriver. He then freed the cover from the wall.

A small piece of paper was tucked inside the wall there.

Several people had gathered and watched as Russel pulled out the paper and unfolded it.

Darling, with these,

My hands of death,

I lay thee to rest.

At the bottom of the page was a small symbol of a black handprint.

Russel already knew it didn’t have fingerprints, but he still handed it over to the forensic analysts.

“What does it mean?” asked a tall man with glasses.

Wei stood straighter, “It means we finally got the solid proof this was a murder.”


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Fri Jul 02, 2021 5:12 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi JamesPeterson,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

This is an interesting start to a crime story that you have created. I like the current structure and that for a first chapter you go so far into the plot without explaining much. I also like the detective at the moment, even though I haven't known him that long, but I like how he works and reminds me of some I've seen on TV.

You manage a good mix in your build up between the descriptions of each character and the interactions between them. For example, before Johnson is described or introduced physically in any way, you just mention what his voice is like. You also succeeded with the introduction of Russell, jumping from one dynamic to the continuation of the plot there without stalling it.

I also liked the way the story ended and how it leads you straight into the next part. You leave the reader there with a great cliffhanger.

One question that remains for me here is whether it's important to see what happened, what the crime scene looks like. Usually as a reader you get enough information about the crime scene, the body, some strange or peculiar features, but here it wasn't there. I don't know yet what the priority will be in your story, so I can't really criticise this, but I miss the descriptions of where Russel and co. are. I don't need to know the name of the dead woman, but maybe something where you can guess and puzzle yourself about what happened.

Otherwise it was a good start and I liked the story so far. I'm looking forward to the next part.

Other points that caught my eye:

They had scoured the crime scene for hours, used black lights, microscopes, the best detectives, and nothing seemed wrong.

I like the way the story starts well and builds up suspense that makes you want to read on.

Detective Russel, a short, slightly pudgy man, stepped under the crime scene tape. It was night outside, though the investigation had begun two days ago in the morning. He was from outside the precinct.
They must be very desperate, he thought, entering the house. Several people were still looking over every inch of the place. He saw two important-looking men with badges standing by a body outline on the ground and made a beeline for them.

Here I would like to say that you manage to portray the character of the detective well within two paragraphs. In the first paragraph you describe a bit of his appearance and background, while the second paragraph goes on to describe his character. Also, this paragraph has a good dynamic from his introduction to the crime scene where he appears. It seems like a smooth cut and reads smoothly.

i'm from upstate,

The "i" is capitalised.

There was a smile on his face, but it looked forced. They were all tired.

These two sentences do not work well together as they are currently worded. On the one hand, they contradict each other and thus don't give a good synergy. You speak of one person in the first sentence and of all of them in the second. That's an assumption that you didn't see directly in the beginning (except for the comment about how long they worked). I would paraphrase: "There was a forced smile on his face. It resembled the smiles of the other police members. After all the hours of work without a clue, they were already so tired that they needed the smiling support to keep working."

"Cause she was twenty years old, and had a perfect medical record. Very fit, very healthy. We didn't even find any ice cream in her freezer."

The cause that she was twenty years old, actually no reason to state. You can die even if you're perfectly healthy and twenty. Malfunctions in the body can be to blame that no doctor has ever seen. I would start right off with the point that she has a perfect medical record.

Seems a bit cliche,

Cliche is written with an "e accent aigu" (é). Don't know how this is called in English. :D

This person clearly knew what they were doing, because only the door was disturbed. Everything else, every molecule seemed immaculate.
Russel stepped into the other rooms, but eventually came back into the living room.

A good point here would have been to describe the flat a little. This would have been an opportunity to show their lifestyle and also for Russel to have some insights / conclusions.

Several people had gathered and watched as Edward pulled out the paper and unfolded it.

You didn't use his first name anywhere in the text until his introduction, but always Russel. I'd keep it that way, otherwise you'll confuse the reader when they switch between Edward and Russel in later chapters.

In summary, it was a great good start to an exciting crime story. I like that a lot of the action so far has been through dialogue, which gives you a good insight into the characters.

Have fun writing!

Mailice






I left you a review they said. It'll be short they said. :P
Thank you for the very helpful review. :D



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Wed Jun 30, 2021 6:03 pm
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Rosewood wrote a review...



Hey, Rosewood here! 🌹

My first impressions... I love this! The life you brought to these characters felt surreal, in the sense that I could easily visualize and understand their attitudes. The dialogue was interesting, and I genuinely enjoyed the real personality that sunk through. Even the plot was inviting and held a real air of mystery in it.

As for how the story is written, I only saw a few things I would change, (most of it just me being nit-picky). I'll make it short and simple.

They had scoured the crime scene for hours, used black lights, microscopes, the best detectives, and nothing seemed wrong.

Except that a perfectly healthy twenty year old died of natural causes, and her door had been broken open.


The way you started this was so intriguing. My only concern is that when you indented the second sentence, (to highlight the anomaly, I presume), it felt as if it could stay in the first sentence. Might I suggest, to keep the atmosphere I think you're going for, start the second sentence with "Except perhaps, that a perfectly healthy...."

Johnson responded this time, “Cause she was twenty years old, and had a perfect medical record. Very fit, very healthy. We didn’t even find any ice cream in her freezer."


I love how you added the freezer part, it is one of the many reasons your characters really hold up in their personalities. I would only add that since you shortened the word "because", you might want to put an apostrophe in front of the word "cause".

This person clearly knew what they were doing, because only the door was disturbed. Everything else, every molecule seemed immaculate.


Again, only the smallest thing. I believe, after 'molecule', there should be a comma.

Johnson just raised an eyebrow and returned to talking with Wei.


Last thing, I promise! While the way you phrased this is perfectly fine, I'd suggest switching "returned to talking" with "resumed talking". Just a personal preference to help with the flow- so it's up to you!

I know I've shared why I love those short phrases that bring life to this piece before, but again, they shouldn't be under appreciated! Lines like...

“Cardiac arrest.”

Seems a bit cliche, but alright.


...help solidify the plot you've created and build up a three-dementional story. It's important to illustrate how those involved navigate a mystery like the one you've introduced - something it appears you've mastered! And something i haven't seen addressed was the poem Edward pulled out. I think that it is definitely under-valued, and from it, you seem to have a keen eye for rhythm!

If you wouldn't mind, I'd love it if you were to tag me in the next part! I'm intrigued as to what will happen next!

Good luck and keep writing!






Thank you for the review :D



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Tue Jun 29, 2021 11:26 pm
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Soccer23 says...



WOW!!! Can't wait for sequel!!! :D :D :D




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Tue Jun 29, 2021 9:24 pm
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JohnKlue wrote a review...



Very professionally made.
At times the narration felt a little inconsistent where I was unsure whether it is meant to be Russels internal dialog or an Omnipresent narrator.

But this really feels like something that was published.
It paints a clear and consistent picture and the story seems real.
I do think a bit more background would be nice though, like who the victim was how they were found dead. But those details might reveal too much too fast. I am sure the further we get in to the investigation the more clarity we will have.

Now the 3 characters so far:

Detective Johnson. He seem to be the Tired Veteran, but I am interested in what you do with him.

Detective Zhang Wei. A slightly more polite guy who is heading this investigation. I notice he has a Chinese name that literally means, Zhang "Archer" and Wei "Big". You might have known this, this could be clue for the characters role in the story.

Detective Edward Russel. The goal oriented mad genius. Russel seems similar to a Sherlock Holmes type where he is slightly unconventional, but also rather capable.
This might be a weird thing to like about a character but
I like that he is a stout guy, You don't see a lot of main characters who have a pudgy build.

Ok in order to make up for that weird compliment here is a weird nitpick

The Note letters should be centered to make them stand out more.


Overall you did a good job and i would like to see where this story goes.






Thank you for the review :D




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