Hi JamesPeterson,
Mailice here with a short review!
This is an interesting start to a crime story that you have created. I like the current structure and that for a first chapter you go so far into the plot without explaining much. I also like the detective at the moment, even though I haven't known him that long, but I like how he works and reminds me of some I've seen on TV.
You manage a good mix in your build up between the descriptions of each character and the interactions between them. For example, before Johnson is described or introduced physically in any way, you just mention what his voice is like. You also succeeded with the introduction of Russell, jumping from one dynamic to the continuation of the plot there without stalling it.
I also liked the way the story ended and how it leads you straight into the next part. You leave the reader there with a great cliffhanger.
One question that remains for me here is whether it's important to see what happened, what the crime scene looks like. Usually as a reader you get enough information about the crime scene, the body, some strange or peculiar features, but here it wasn't there. I don't know yet what the priority will be in your story, so I can't really criticise this, but I miss the descriptions of where Russel and co. are. I don't need to know the name of the dead woman, but maybe something where you can guess and puzzle yourself about what happened.
Otherwise it was a good start and I liked the story so far. I'm looking forward to the next part.
Other points that caught my eye:
They had scoured the crime scene for hours, used black lights, microscopes, the best detectives, and nothing seemed wrong.
I like the way the story starts well and builds up suspense that makes you want to read on.
Detective Russel, a short, slightly pudgy man, stepped under the crime scene tape. It was night outside, though the investigation had begun two days ago in the morning. He was from outside the precinct.
They must be very desperate, he thought, entering the house. Several people were still looking over every inch of the place. He saw two important-looking men with badges standing by a body outline on the ground and made a beeline for them.
Here I would like to say that you manage to portray the character of the detective well within two paragraphs. In the first paragraph you describe a bit of his appearance and background, while the second paragraph goes on to describe his character. Also, this paragraph has a good dynamic from his introduction to the crime scene where he appears. It seems like a smooth cut and reads smoothly.
i'm from upstate,
The "i" is capitalised.
There was a smile on his face, but it looked forced. They were all tired.
These two sentences do not work well together as they are currently worded. On the one hand, they contradict each other and thus don't give a good synergy. You speak of one person in the first sentence and of all of them in the second. That's an assumption that you didn't see directly in the beginning (except for the comment about how long they worked). I would paraphrase: "There was a forced smile on his face. It resembled the smiles of the other police members. After all the hours of work without a clue, they were already so tired that they needed the smiling support to keep working."
"Cause she was twenty years old, and had a perfect medical record. Very fit, very healthy. We didn't even find any ice cream in her freezer."
The cause that she was twenty years old, actually no reason to state. You can die even if you're perfectly healthy and twenty. Malfunctions in the body can be to blame that no doctor has ever seen. I would start right off with the point that she has a perfect medical record.
Seems a bit cliche,
Cliche is written with an "e accent aigu" (é). Don't know how this is called in English.
This person clearly knew what they were doing, because only the door was disturbed. Everything else, every molecule seemed immaculate.
Russel stepped into the other rooms, but eventually came back into the living room.
A good point here would have been to describe the flat a little. This would have been an opportunity to show their lifestyle and also for Russel to have some insights / conclusions.
Several people had gathered and watched as Edward pulled out the paper and unfolded it.
You didn't use his first name anywhere in the text until his introduction, but always Russel. I'd keep it that way, otherwise you'll confuse the reader when they switch between Edward and Russel in later chapters.
In summary, it was a great good start to an exciting crime story. I like that a lot of the action so far has been through dialogue, which gives you a good insight into the characters.
Have fun writing!
Mailice
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