The Valley has fallen into disrepair since the last time I'd been here. Of course, that was five years ago when I was about to graduate the eighth grade. I escaped out of luck, because my home was not in the Valley. It was twenty-five miles away, ten minutes from the nearest town.
The Valley is shut off from the rest of the country, to prevent another Event. The only reason I've returned is for my father, he had been at the epicenter of where and when the Event occurred in the Valley. I am determined to find him and rescue him.
I look behind me and watch the North Pass Gate close with a clang. I turn towards the rugged landscape, remembering how the dead gray and brown grass used to turn golden in the fall. How this road used to be black, not gray asphalt and crowded with commuting cars. And how my dad I used to ride down each morning and...no. None of that. Not anymore.
I shake my head, and adjust my knapsack. Inhaling a deep breath, I start down the road. Avoiding the deep cracks I make my way away from what was the main road incase I meet an unfriendly traveler. I turn onto a familiar back road, which is now crumbling and only patches of of asphalt. The only sparks of color among the sea of gray and weeds are the daises popping up towards the sun.
An old neighborhood to my right reminds me that one of my friends, Charlotte Rose, used to live there. I long to go see if she survived or...didn't. I shouldn't go, who knows what condition the inhabitants of the neighborhood are in. But I could just go check really quick.
Making up my mine, I run as silently as possible up the decaying driveway. The door of the house is laid into place, with the rusting hinges and knocker dangling. A dull, dusty, interior greets me. The couch has ben torn apart, the coffee table turned over, windows smashed. Toys and dolls are scattered about the floor, staring at me with dark faded eyes. This is nothing I wouldn't expect from the Event, and yet, the house isn't unlivable. Perhaps there's still somebody living here. I move towards the kitchen to search for leftover food. As I do, I accidentally kick over a music box with a clang of sour notes playing eerily in the heavy air.
In the kitchen is only more grime. Crunch. I pick up my foot to find a smashed animal cracker. A carton of full animal crackers is sitting on the counter next to the snack cabinet. I pick one of the container and crumble it with my hand. It's not stale. The carton has only recently been opened.
"Hello?" I call out, "Is anybody here? It's Erin! Erin Malone! Mrs. Rose...Mr. Rose? Are you here?" I pause for a moment, "Charlotte, Ebony?"
Silence.
Without warning, the snack cabinet doors nudge open. One dark brown eye peeks around the door, when a girl comes tumbling out. She scrambles to her feet and stares at me. Her long dark brown hair is down to her waist, in a tangled mass, covering part of her face. Dirt is all over her, masking what would be a freckled face.
"Erin? Is it really you?" She asks me, her brown eyes that used to be warm and innocent have become hollow and hard.
I nod. Ebony wraps me in a hug. She's taller than I remember, just below my chest.
"Is anyone else here?" I ask when she releases me.
Ebony looks away and whispers, "No."
"Oh, I'm so sorry..." My voice trails away.
"It's okay, I've learned how to make it on my own. I've gotten this far haven't I? Plus, this is one of the safer neighborhoods. Why did you come back?"
I relay the story of how my dad was in the Valley during the Event.
"I'm coming with you."
It's going to be dangerous." I warn.
"I know, that's why I'm coming. You haven't been here in five years, things have changed." She laughs coldly.
We gather what little supplies are in the house and continue down the back road. I listen to Ebony how her family disappeared or struggled during the Event. I realize that I barely knew the details of what befell the Valley.
Ebony says that people started going berserk. Many people thought it was a rabies epidemic or something. So they ridded the Valley of all the possible animal carries of the disease. The afflicted victims were treated with the typical treatment for rabies, but it wasn't working.
"More and more were going mental, and as far as I know, still are. Then the Lab began taking people in, promising a treatment. And by this time, we'd been shut off for about a month. But when the victims of the illness came out of the Lab, they are Vacant. They don't remember anything and are mute. Their eyes ha e this filmy, glassy look, and their pupils are really dilated. I don't know what goes on in the Lab, but it isn't making people normal."
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Desolate: Chapter TwoPoints:
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141,364 Literary Works • 674,382 Reviews
Hey i just want to say that i can't find the prolouge or chapter 2 as you told me on the message???
Anyway onto the novel. I like it. As far as the descriptions go i think there are good amounts where there needs to be. I can imagine everything clearly. All the things you did you described really well. I was picturing all this as if it were a drama that was actually playing on tv so well done. I like the two charatcers so far. They both seem realsitic. And enough with the event alreadyl. i am so excited to hear what it really is. But then i guess i won't get too much details any time soon. These things always take time.
Through out this chapter there was this really eerie feeling. This ominous silence that never went away. I was on edge all through it. I kept thinking something terrible was going to happen, almost like that feeling you get when you walk down an empty street at night and you get this feeling that someone is watching out the corner of your eye. SCARY. Anyhow the details you revealed were good. There was enough to deleiver a sneakpeek of the event and enough about the labs to show the tone that the novel is taking. Interesting outcome for the people.
I think this shows promise. I would like to read more. Where are the other parts??./
Did you take them off or something???
No, I didn't take them off. They should be pretty far back in the posts. I posted them on like September 1st and 2nd. They're there! I'll post this on the wall. Thanks for the review!
So to start off, I was kind of confused. You skipped over what the FBI agent had to say to her and left out allot of detail. I have allot of unanswered questions:
You are talented!
What is the valley?
What happened to her father?
What is 'the event'?
And basic questions:
What does the valley look like?
What does the girl look like?
What does anything look, smell or sound like?
As a reader, I'm completely deprived of most sensory descriptions. I feel blind and deaf.
Not only will adding description make your story a better read, it will be so much more fun to write. Make the world of your story in your head and write exactly what you see, like painting a picture with words.
Last but not least, re read your story twice before posting. Once in your head to check for typos and once out loud to make sure everything flows the way you want it.
I believe you have the makings of becoming a very good writer but as I was saying before, make me see exactly what you see in your head wen your writing. If you want help in learning to do this I would be more than happy to do a sort of training SB with you
Keep your head up and keep writing
Hi again!
Okay, so! Spacing things out. You need to do it for dramatic effect. Or... you need to build tension anyway. In horror stories, things just don't happen... there has to be a lead up to get you invested in the story. Right now, there are a lot of things going on with your story.
For instance, you have the search for the dad and Ebony and the Event, but they're kind of mixed up in a strange way that doesn't really lead to a dramatic build up. So, why don't you space them out? Talk about the devastation that Erin sees and how she views it. The colder and more apathetic she is toward the destruction, the creepier it will seem. In fact, if she appears downright delighted of the devastation, it will seem even creepier. For instance, if the following (bad) paragraph appeared, it would be really creepy:
I mean, obviously the paragraphs suck. But, still, the point is if you approach it optimistically, then you will make it sound creepier. This is the point! And, it will also show that she is different and has taken a different attitude towards things since this Event has happened.
And... Ebony. First off, you don't really state who Ebony is, so while I am guessing that it's Charlotte's sister, I really don't know. But, I think that Erin might do well to be a little cautious and less accepting to have Ebony around. Why should she trust her, after all?
Next, Ebony needs to tell Erin exactly how Charlotte died, unless Erin already knows how Charlotte died. Or, if Ebony can't talk about how Charlotte died. But right now, the Event is really boring on how it's described because there is really no personal interaction. Look at the following excerpt of yours:
Isn't that... a little dull?
Make it personal. Ebony has a personal story regarding this whole thing. Make it known.
And... that's the last. I guess I have to wait for chapter 2, right?
*waits*
Oh, and I just read your comment on how you didn't want to go into it because it's not related to the story. Side plots are allowed! And, this would make better storytelling. So, you should totally do it, if you can.
Hey,
Thanks for the review, I really needed a more constructive criticism. I'll be sure to change a few things in Chapter two. I haven't been working on this story as much as I should, and honestly, I haven't liked the way it's laid out at the moment. In the next chapter I'll slow things down a little. Thanks again!
Hi there!
Again, I have to say your descriptions are great. I can see everything you've described perfectly. Too little description is bad and too much description is just plain boring. But you've found the perfect balance. I feel like I'm following Erin around and seeing what he does. You do really well with first person POV.
I really like the name Ebony. It's a beautiful name. I'm assuming her family is dead? I don't think they'd leave a kid all alone. I want to know more about the Event. I know you're not ready to go into details about it yet, but I really want to know! It sounds intense and devastating and I love that stuff! Well, you know, not in real life. I like reading and writing about it. That kind of stuff brings out the best in people.
Keep me updated as you add more chapters!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thanks! Yes Ebony's family is dead, I didn't want to go into a lot of detail with her history because it really isn't related to the plot or story.
Thanks! Yes Ebony's family is dead, I didn't want to go into a lot of detail with her history because it really isn't related to the plot or story.