Chapter Three:
I lead my mother to the loveseat in our living room. She relaxes back into the worn-leather couch, but I remain tense as we face Agent Getti.
"Good evening Mrs. Malone." The Agent greeted my mother, setting his brief case down on the coffee table.
"Good evening." My mother stifled a yawn and reached for his hand, "And you are...?"
"Agent Rufus Getti. F.B.I. Please, just call me Getti." He firmly returned her handshake. "You may be wondering why I'm here...I understand you have connections to the Valley."
My mother paled. "Yes. I worked there, so did my husband. Erin's schooling was there as well. We only lived there for a few years before we moved..."
"Yes. So I have been informed. As you know, the Valley was closed off to the rest of the Country for unknown causes to the public, called The Event."
My mother and I both nodded.
"The Government has been debating whether the Valley should be opened. However, there is no way of knowing if the remnants of the Event still remain. We have been sending trained agents into the Valley for two years now, and none have returned. We believe this is because of the lack of knowledge of the Valley previous to the Event. They were sent in with only one purpose: to scout. The Government has decided to send a scout in that has had previous experience in the Valley."
Getti leaned back into the easy-chair, the same one my father used to recline in after a hard day at work. However, Agent Getti was not leaning back to relax, but to allow the point to sink in.
"If you are implying what I think you are I must ask, isn't there someone a little more qualified?" My mother asked.
"Those qualified haven't had the previous experience as you and your daughter have had, Mrs. Malone."
"Isn't there someone else?" I asked, my voice cracking.
"You and your mother are the only one's to have ever lived in the Valley that escaped the Event. Both of you have spent an extensive amount of time there...and you have other motivation for returning."
My mother gasped and I laid my hand on her arm to comfort her.
"Are you saying that if we go to do this...this...mission, we can bring back Jack?" My mother whispered, eyes filling with hope.
"Unfortunately there isn't a possibility for a "we" on this mission." His eyes glanced away from the hopeful face of my mother.
"I'll go." I said.
My mother stared at me. I knew that she wanted to say something to stop me, but we both knew that she would be unable to fulfill the mission's requirements...
My eyes crack wearily. I attempt a yawn but suddenly wince at the sharp pain on my chest. I rub at the sore spot with no avail of relief. Wait, where am I?
Rubbing at my bleary eyes, I find myself in a white room with a metal table and a counter. Below the counter are drawers the same white as the tile covering the floor. The walls are plastered with posters of the food pyramid, the human body and "wash your hands" posters. And how did I get in here in the first place? Let alone onto this cot.
The memories of last night suddenly come flooding back to me. Me, being yanked to the ground, Ebony shouting at me to hold on, the Mental crushing the life out of me...I shake my head and slowly sit up. Dizziness overcomes me and I clutch the edge of the cot to steady myself.
The door opens and a tall woman with locks of red hair tumbling about her shoulders enters.
"Good morning Erin, I was just coming to wake you." She smiles brightly and I manage to pull my mouth into a smile. "You had quite an adventure last night." She sets down the file that was in her hands, "But you're alright now, minus a couple of bruises." She gestures to my ribs.
"Where am I?" I ask hoarsely.
"A safe house. I am Doctor Winston, and yes...a certified doctor." She rolls her eyes a bit and laughs
"Where...how...did I get here? Wait, where's Ebony? Is she alright?" I fire the questions at Doctor Winston, unsure to trust the stranger.
"A scavenging party found you last night at the park. They managed to 'tranquilize' the Mental and bring you and your companion Ebony here. Ebony wasn't hurt, she was out of the Mental's reach. You, however, managed to escape with a couple of bruised ribs and a mild concussion. It could've been much worse. Believe me, I've seen much, much worse."
She hands me an ice pack for my head and a second for my bruised ribs. The dizziness subsides as she secures the ice pack to my head.
"Wait here. I'll go find Ebony." She leaves the file on the counter and exits the room.
I leaned against the wall behind the cot. I was suspicious of the generosity of Doctor Winston and her so called "safehouse." My wandering gaze lands on the manila file resting on the counter. Pushing myself to my feet, I stagger across the room to the file. The words, "Medical History," are scribbled across the cover in red ink. I slide my fingers gently to the edge of the file, beginning to take a peek inside.
Without warning, the door opens and I am captured in a bear-hug from Ebony.
"Erin! I'm so glad you're okay! I didn't know what I would do if that Mental had...taken you away." She looks up at my face and smiles brightly. "All that matters is that you're okay. C'mon! You've got to see this place!"
She pulls me by the hand out of the door as I rub my bruised ribs. I was flattered she was worried for me, but she didn't have to hug that tightly.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Desolate: ProloguePoints:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Hey Adox!

~ Since in the next lines he introduces himself, this is repetative. "The Agent greeted my mother." Would go better.I'm going to try not to comment on character/plot development too much, since I haven't gotten the pleasure of reading your prologue or first two chapters...well, I'll comment character development within this chapter, but I'll try not to critique any lack of introduction, in case they were introduced in previous chapters- anyway, review...(I'm not ADD at all, just so you know)
~ I don't think that this is very likely. Cops, especially ones with federal juristiction, aren't likely to be flippant about it. They're going to want you to refer to them with the utmost respect. Not merely 'Getti'.
~ So, Country is fine here, but by the way you refer to it as 'The Valley', it makes it sound local, so it makes me wonder if you mean county- not country. Also, if they're familiar with 'the Event', then he shouldn't have to introduce it (i.e. he said it was called the Event). Maybe just nix 'called' and capitalize the word 'the'. So "public, The Event." or something.
~ This should be a full stop. A period.
~ "If you are implying what I think you are, then I must ask if there isn't someone a little more qualified than I am?" ~ That was merely a suggestion from personal preference. No need to edit if you like it better the way it is.
~ It should be 'plastered with posters' not 'plastered in posters'. Also, I'd rephrase it to read: "The walls are plastered with posters of the food pyramid, posters explaining how to wash your hands properly, and diagrams of the human body." But, again, that's a personal nitpick.
~ Nix the comma.
~ Now you need to add a comma.
Who is Ebony? I know I promised not to comment too much on characters, but...well...there was no mention of her before this. You go from talking to an Agent in a livingroom to an examination room, to being in a park in between- I think that if your protagonist is going to have a battle with your antagonists, you should at least mention it. Add some emotion- fear, presumably- before she passes out.
~ I get mixed up like this all the time. xD I think you meant "I gently slid my fingers inside to the edge of the file."
~~~~~~
Hi! I liked your piece, but it leaves a lot to be wanted in development. I know, I know, I'm not supposed to critique that until I've read the previous chapters (and I'm interested now, so I likely will, unless school chokes away all of my YWS time)- but, well...I don't really have a view of what Erin is like.
Maybe spend a bit of time making her feel more 'real', so I care about her more. She needs a personality.
I hope this helped.
~Shady
Hey Jade,
Zeph here, finally able to return the favor and give you a review! Okay, so keep in mind, I haven't read the rest of your novel, so I'm not sure what the plot is, but it sounds intriguing, so I just might. Anyway, let's start with this line.
"Good evening Mrs. Malone." Agent Rufus Getti greeted my mother, setting his brief case down on the coffee table.
I would change "Agent Rufus Getti" to just "the Agent" in order to avoid repetition, but this is very minor, I just think it would sound better. Next,
Erin's schooling was there also.
Here I would change "also" to "as well", again, I just think it would sound better.
Okay, well, that's pretty much all I have to edit, and like I said, neither of those things are huge, I'm just nitpicking. Great post and I hope to read more of this novel. Thanks for sharing.
~Zeph