I get so lost in the poetry forum, it's not even funny.. -_- Anyway, this is a poem I wrote for CW last month-ish and it was well-liked. I was kind of afraid of putting it on YWS, but I guess I'll put one of them up, eh? Have fun tearing it up. ^_^
I Sing Alone
The day brings sun
when it once was dreary
like the times we’ve sang
in perfect harmony,
but now I sing
alone.
The letters unite in formation –
black as night but white as day –
along the stem of pleasantry.
O how opposites attract
in perfect harmony,
but now I sing
alone.
The little stars twinkle
about the world’s white page.
One after the other, they chime
on cue to the director’s baton
in perfect harmony,
but now I sing
alone.
I hear the memory
fade into extinction
as the second voice
loses the will to persist
in perfect harmony,
and now I sing
alone.
So why do I not feel lonely?
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
Jabber I am so sorry the Checklist Challenge made me do itHi Jabber! Tuck here with a review brought to you by #RevMo . I'd like to take this stanza-by-stanza and then conclude with some overall thoughts at the end, if that's alright with youThe way this stanza is written, it's unclear whether "the times we've sang in perfect harmony" is referring to the day bringing sun or the time when it was dreary. I also believe that this stanza would be more powerful if you chose to end it after "harmony", rather than continuing it, but that's a stylistic choice and is as such left up to you.
While I like the idea of creating a contrast here between the white and black of the notes, I feel that a more effective way to do so would be to describe the black stems and then the white circles so it feels less like a meaningless contradiction and more like a description of the artwork that is musical notes. I did enjoy the repetition of "in perfect harmony", since it felt natural and not forced and reinforced that theme.
I'm gonna be honest, I didn't fully understand the image of stars. It's been a few years since I've been musically active, but I don't remember stars having any role in musical notation. I also didn't feel that continuing the theme of white was your best option; there are plenty of other images you could have pulled from that would have painted a more full picture of notes beyond just their black-and-white contrast. That being said, "the director's baton" was an enjoyable idea to bring into this poem, and I felt that it created a nice build to the repetition of "in perfect harmony"
I'm not sure that extinction is the best word to use here, since some sort of memory of the harmony persists. Perhaps "fade into silence" or "fade into a loose echo" would capture that idea better? It almost seems as if you've skipped a part; you go from all the voices of the choir singing perfectly and immediately cut to a memory. "Losing the will to persist" was a powerful line that builds the idea with every passing word.
And finally, I didn't find your ending to be particularly powerful. You've spent the entire poem establishing the idea of harmony as something that is perfect, the pinnacle of perfect music, and then you lose that harmony and have an immediate resolution. It just seems like a contradiction, since the theme of your poem revolves around harmony and then you all of a sudden switch gears to an opposing ideal and use it as your final line. It also somewhat negates the repetition of and/but now I sing // alone" throughout this poem. You tend to spend a stanza describing how beautiful harmony is and how much of an ideal it is, and then there is a somewhat sad contradiction of "but now I sing alone". It implies that this perfection has been lost, and at first I inferred a sorrowful tone from it, but at the end it seems like you flip that without reason.
Once again, I am so sorry to be digging up a work this old and ripping it apart, but I hope that there's something in here that you find helpful! I definitely saw some potential in this poem, but there may be some parts that need to be overhauled and some more thought given to the direction you want to take it in. Please feel free to reach out with any questions!
Best,
Tuck
LOL no worries! I am honored to have been chosen as your necropost, honestly, and you had some really great words of wisdom here! Poetry will always be a struggle for me, so I absolutely appreciate your review and the comments you've made/suggested.
Hello,
I like this poem, very much.
That's all there is to say really, I find no faults in the entire poem and I think the imagery is outstanding, the use of words and the climax builds up a sense of loneliness for the character, the end is also superb, ending on a question is a great way to end a piece like this, especially something like this, I love the way you have set this poem out. And I also love your writing style, I have seen very few like yours and I must say, when I see a writing style like yours I can't help but smile, even if the poem itself is a sad and lonely one.
I cannot wait to read more of your work and I highly encourage you to write more and do not be put off by critique, I give your poem a wholesome 5 out 5! Well done and I would certainly recommend this poem to anyone who enjoyed reading whatever type of poem and so I say farewell, good luck, and luck forward to seeing more of your work.
~ Hayley
Jabber,
It is certain to use chatspeak in a poem.
It's fine if you messed up and acciedently did not type the "h" in "Oh".
Well, other than that, the poem was great.
You really have a way with words.
-
JUST BREATHE DEEPLY AND YOU'LL BE FINE
AuDrEy
It was not bad but I thought it was too short! But you have punctuation which is good. I gut confused on the very last part:
So why do I not feel lonely?
Can you explain why it was necessary to put that please?
I also felt a little bit bored with this poem.
I grade this poem 3 stars out of 5.
Good luck!
I totally agree with Jig, you should start it from the next stanza.
Should it be Oh or O? I think you can use either. xD
I like the repetition of the lines, even if some people don't. I guess it's just a matter of personal opinion
I really love the imagery in this stanza xD
I like this stanza xD
I'm not so sure about the last line, I liked the rest, I just feel the last line could be better.
That's exactly what I thought it was about, spooky
It's like all good poetry, you can enjoy it as a poem, or you can delve deeper and find meaning. Thoughts and philosophies. Ideas and images. This was really good. I loved it
xoxo
I rather liked this, Jabs. It was simple, clear and easy to read but with lovely imagery nonetheless. For me, it wasn't clunky at all. I read it as being about writing, about creating worlds - singing alone - but that, while set up in to have melancholy meaning, isn't actually a bad thing.....at least the last line would seem to imply as such.
It implies more than you're into solitude anyway, I think, implies that you're not alone -- I took that to be referring to characters in the world building? XD. I could be completely bonkers with my interpretation but ah well. Point is, I think there's more than one meaning inherent in the poem, which is a good thing.
Having said that, I didn't see the relevance the first stanza had to the rest of the poem and as such I think it needs to be restructured a tad.
Hope that helped, despite my ramble. XD
I shall be gentle, I promise! Or, at the least, one can hope helpful.
Repetition: You repeat 3 lines 4 times, which means the you actually only have 19 original lines, even though your poem is slightly longer than that. Okay so all those silly numbers don't really mean anything, but my point is a lot less of your poem is "new" to us by the end. By the end of the poem it's a little tiring to see those same words again, and they loose their meaning. I think a restructuring of this poem would give it a lot more power, so that the repeated lines come at the end. One shot, more strength, instead of several shots with a weakening power.
Flow/Rhythm: Since I just suggested you move a bunch of stuff around, I won't focus too much on this because everything will be changing, maybe. Your larger stanzas didn't flow right, and I'm not entirely certain why. Reading them, they felt clunky. Maybe if you read them out loud you can find it for yourself? It might be a matter of stanza length (which varies) or line breaks. I'm not entirely sure, and like I said, you might be moving stuff around so this point could be null.
Conclusion: Your last line should kick me in the gut, knock the wind out of me, leave me stunned, mostly because it is that kind of last line. Instead, it's flat and I'm left thinking, "What?" because I didn't expect it at all, and I wasn't prepared. In the poem you don't talk about being alone, you talk about the voices together. And, true, singing is the metaphor of choice in this poem, but you talk about togetherness, then absence. I can't find the logic that, though you're alone, you don't feel lonely from the poem, which is really what perplexes me. It's not a complicated feeling, simply I don't understand how the speaker feels this. Why does the speaker feel she is not alone, when she is? Perhaps this shouldn't be marked in your conclusion, but hinted somewhere, somehow. Either way, I think that some discussion in the poem of loneliness/not loneliness need to be added, to give the reading some feelings to bounce off of. ^^
It was not a bad poem by any means! It's not my type of poem, so I'm having trouble complimenting it, but it really only needs small work, if that is any comfort? For one who gets lost in the poetry forum, it's not bad at all.
If you have any questions, hunt me down!