K, I was listening to this piano solo by Lorie Line and decided, what the heck, I'll make up my own lyrics. They just came out at me. I hope they're alright. I dunno, I'm not much of a song writer.
Back Porch Swing
Oh, what's the life without
the stars in the sky?
Oh, what's the life without the sun?
What if the trees and the flow'rs
remain beautiful as they seem?
Oh, what's the life without you
on my back porch swing?
Oh, what's the life without
the fishes swimming in the seas?
Oh, what's the life without the birds?
What if I sit next to thee
and to thee this song I will sing?
Oh, what's the life without you
on my back porch swing?
If I had a star from the sky,
then I would let it go--let it go;
it would shine brighter just like you--you would.
Then I'll hold you in my arms
and this is what I'll say!
Oh, what's the life without
the stars in the sky?
Oh, what's the life without the sun?
I'll hold you in my arms
and this is what I'll say:
Oh, what's the life without you
on my back porch swing?
Yeah, um...there ya go. *shrug* I always wanted to just write it down to see how it looked. *tilts head* I dunno what to make of it. I'm not a poet, and I know it.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,481 Literary Works • 673,249 Reviews
-Hi
I'm attempting a review. Yes, you are a poet, because this is an amazing poem. I enjoyed the rhythm of it and think it would make a great song. But, I have a question, Is the back porch swing figurative or literal term? In my opinion I think it could go nice either way, but still i'd like some clarity, just so I can understand and read the poem better. This would be a wonderful slow song.
I think you could pair this with a violin or piano and it would be lovely. You really are a great writer! Keep it up!
I really like how you kept good rhythm and repetition in your poem. Overall, I really enjoyed it. I think it would do much better as for instance, lyrics to a song? Food for thought. Otherwise, fantastic job. Also, a review on one of my pieces would be greatly appreciated. I love constructive criticism. Thank you for posting this so that others may enjoy it. Keep on writing.
--Maya
You are definitley a poet, never say you're not.
You know, I have encountered you on YWS many times and each and every time I ask you to review something, tell you it's poetry and you go, oh, I'll try and then you give me some amazing advice.
Never put yourself down Jab, you have the potential to be anything you want to be.
And I know that you are strong enough, because I've spoken to you, and you're great, really.
I wanted to say thanks for all the crits you've done for me and tell you I think this is absolutely beautiful.
So, uhm, thanks, I guess.
You should do more poetry.
I have nothing to say that (s)he didn't say already. It's really good, Jabber! lol... It was kind of hard to read--but all songs are. I would like to actually hear it. And acoustic guitar or piano would go with it...
Hey, I can play both!
Teh Wozzinator
Simple and pleasing to the inner ear; I'd love to hear it performed. While the ideas aren't very original, the images themselves are vivid and well-presented, especially the image of the lovers on the back-porch swing. Brava!
Great rhythm but, this should be apoem instead of song lyrics
I completely forgot I posted this.
Anyway, thanks for all your reviews. More are, of course, welcome. I'm still wondering when I thought this up...=/
Whatever. Thank you ^_^
Jabber, the One and Only!
Like someone else said, I'm not sure how well this would stand alone as a poem, but as lyrics it's a nice piece. I like the soft repetition, it sort of reminds me of someone rocking on a swing... text painting, yay! Acoustic guitar or some light piano... or both... would go nicely with this, in my opinion.
) then why is she holding on to him? It almost sounds to me like she's saying "I have to let go of you so that you can be free and shine" but then the next verse is "No, I'll hold onto you forever!" so I felt like it was a little contradictory. Maybe I'm just reading too much into it! I love it, though. Great imagery, if you end up with music to go with this make sure you let me hear it. 
The only things I thought were iffy: the use of "thee," simply because it seems a little out of character with the rest of the song. The lyrics are pretty casual, but "thee" is kind of a lofty word.
Also, I didn't understand this part: if the stars shine brighter when you let them go, just like he does (I'm assuming it's a she and a he for the purposes of this review
yeah, this was really sweet. It made me say 'awwww' and grin appreciatively, so there you go. I liked it. I don't know what melody you're hearing, but I can definitely hear some soft, sentimental piano to it....good job!
Cheers!
It's simple and repetitive and generally very pleasant. This was easy to read, even without music, and I love the first stanza. As a poem, it would probably be too unoriginal for me but it works perfectly as a song. You say it is to go with someone's piano solo? Well I've never heard Lorie Line play but I think piano would work just fine here.
It was very pleasent. You kept a rythm, which many song writers lack sometimes. I didn't really draw much from it personally though. It's probably just me though.