12 Shocks of Xmas (pt. 5)

Hey, Jab. Here's my late crit (again).

I looked up at my dad who was only a head taller than I.

This needs a comma after "dad," as otherwise it's a bit much. Try saying it out loud. I just tried it, and it came out sounding over-caffeinated. Also, with this style of narration, Phil seems the sort of character to say "me" instead of "I."

“Five golden rings?” inquired Kim and Mom explained to the whole family how fabulous of an idea Mabel had for my Christmas gift.

"...inquired Kim, and Mom..."

Someone in my family was stashing the gifts somewhere, and I was going to find out.

>.< He already has found out that they're stashing the gifts somewhere (or so he thinks ). I think that sentence should be ended with "who."

And that's all I got. You seem to be toning down the adverb use a lot, but they could still do with some pruning. xD

One thing I have to commend you on: your sense of Phil as a character. He and his family seem quite well rounded, and they're becoming more so every chapter (with the possible exception of his mother -right now, she doesn't get enough dialogue to shine). Keep on developing them.

You're oding really well. Next time I get this PM, I'm coming in as fast as I can so I don't miss out again.

-Mat

EVIL! HEH, HEH!

Awsome!

Anyways I agree with SirWozzell. Not scary enough.

ST

I like this I don't think any critiquing is needed here. Just some few grammar errors i saw but the content of the story is well written. Keep Up The Good Work!!!

Gothgirl01

Thank you, everybody!

Wozzles: Thanks for your opinion. I didn't want to make Gramma's death so horrifying, though. She's Gramma, and i wanted to make it subtle anyway.

3B: Thank you for catching those. I struggle with some of my grammar when I'm writing my own stuff. Editing, I get in the Zone. Oh, and I'm sorry I killed Gramma. I didn't think you'd hate me that much! Lol.

Gladius: Thank you for your advice. I took some of your advice and improved it.

My work has been edited, so enjoy reading. ^_^

Jabber, the One and Only!

JabberHut wrote:"What’s up, Phil?” My dad asked as he clapped me on the back.

I looked up at [s]my[/s] Dad, who was only a head taller than I. His brow furrowed, confused at my behavior. “I’m alright,” I said [assured?] quickly.

“Go fetch the box of presents, then,” Dad said [ordered?] and I left his side immediately.

“Oh, Phil, is Dad done with you?”

“Almost finished, then,” Mom said. I watched her stick the bows on top of the colorful gifts until there were no more. I picked up the box as Mom said, “When you deliver that, I need you to put Teddy[s]’s[/s] and Sara’s booster seats in[s]to[/s] the car. They’re still in my car.

I grunted, adjusted my grip, and left the room. I waswalk[s]ed[/s]ing down the stairs and down the hall when Sara called out my name. I groaned and stopped in the middle of the hallway as Sara ran up to my side, her arms wrapped around Teddy. The toddler held his stuffed giraffe and was gently playing with [s]his[/s] its neck, his own head lying on Sara’s shoulder.

“She’s probably still asleep, then,” I said, [s]re[/s]adjusting the box in my arms. It seemed to be getting heavier the longer I stood there. “She wasn’t [s]by[/s] with Mom.”

Sara sighed. “Alright. I’ll go talk to Mom.”

Sara left and I [s]left[/s] continued down the hallway as quickly as I could, my arms turning into noodles. [s]My[/s] Dad wasn’t in the kitchen [s]anymore[/s], which meant he had to be in the garage. I reached the door and growled, seeing it was closed tight. I inched toward it ‘til the box rested against the door, my fingers reaching painfully for the doorknob. I gave up, a huge breath escaping my lips. I [s]took re[/s]adjusted the box against the door, took another breath, and was reaching for the doorknob—

—when the door opened and I fell backwards. Dad quickly pulled the box from my arms as I fell [s]back[/s] onto the floor. I groaned as Dad’s laugh rang through my ears. “Watch the door, buddy!” he said [commented?] before walking [s]out[/s] back into the garage. I scowled [s]before[/s] and stood back up.

I sighed with exasperation and turned to see Sara quickly walking toward me, both Teddy and Susie in her arms. Susie looked completely exhausted, her blonde hair a disaster, her little arms wrapped around her stuffed elephant. Teddy reached [eagerly?] [s]out[/s] for me when he heard Sara say my name.

Sara’s high-pitched shriek echoed in the hallway, her face turning red. “Stop being so difficult! We have to leave, and we’re late as it is!”

I rolled my eyes, knowing full well that Sara was right. I took Teddy who wrapped his arms around my neck, the giraffe dangling from his hands behind me. I walked outside without another word with Sara and set Teddy by Dad.

“What’re you up to now?” Dad said [questioned?], glancing at me and Teddy.

“Gotta strap in the car seats,” I said [mumbled?][]/b]for the umpteenth time.[b]]

Dad chuckled and leaned back into the trunk of the car, adjusting the box so our suitcases would fit as well. We were to spend the night at our grandparents’ house, as we usually did for Chrismas.

I did the job I [s]was[/s] had been asked to do so long before. As soon as I was done, I lost sight of Teddy, Dad sitting in the car trunk. I growled. “Dad! Where’s Teddy? I told you to—”

“My, don’t you sound like your mother!”

I looked deeper into the trunk and [s]found[s] saw Teddy standing [s]up,[/s] in the box [s]supporting his little weight[/s]. His hand jumped from one gift to another, slapping every) (one he counted. He repeated a few of them so many times, it was almost funny. “… two … five … siteen … fo’ … Pil … tebenteen …” My eyebrow shot up at the sound of my name among Teddy’s collection of numbers. I hoped it was only a coincidence that I came before seventeen, since I was sixteen years old.

[s]Eventually everyone was[/s] Finally, everyone was in the car and we were driving out the garage. Forty minutes later, we arrived at my grandparents’ house. As soon as I stepped out of the car, Gramma[s]’s[/s] [b]flung her arms [s]flung[/s] around my neck. “Phil! You’re getting so tall!”

I fell back against the car from my Gramma’s surprise hug. As soon as she let go, I took a deep breath of fresh air—her perfume was overwhelming. I shook Grampa’s hand as [s]we[/s] usual[s]ly greeted[/s], but Sara and Susie walked up to him for hugs. Teddy was still hugging Gramma.

Dad and I delivered our suitcases to the two guestrooms before returning to the living room, filled with aunts, uncles, and cousins. My dad’s side of the family was too big for me to even beginlisting who was who. Even I forgot their names once in a while, if not often.

After a huge dinner of ham, Taquillaberry Salad, mashed potatoes, green beans, and cheesecake, we gathered around the Christmas tree in the living room. I sat next to the window, away from the younger cousins and [s]the [/s] adults. I regretted leaving my book on the armchair at home, but hopefully I [s]got[/s] would get a new book to read for the rest of the evening and on the way back home.

Susie and our cousin[s]s,[/s] Trisha[s],[/s] handed out the gifts. One after the other, everyone opened their presents and shared their thanks. Sara snatched one of the books off my stack and read the back, obviously as bored as I was. We were the only teenagers in the room, and neither tiny children nor adults seemed interesting enough to engage with in conversation[s]s with[/s].

I looked up from my stack of gifts, and my head almost hit the blue present in Trisha’s tiny arms. My heart immediately sped up and my face paled. I scooted backwards, shaking my head. “You sure you read the tag right?” I asked, my voice shaking.

“Phil, it’s from Mabel,” Sara said [told me?]. My eyes darted to Sara, who watched me anxiously. After what had happened yesterday, she seemed more cautious [s]now[/s]. “Just open it.” Her voice was not as demanding, and I felt better. [s]Sara may[/s] I wondered if she was finally starting to believ[s]ing[/s]e me.

He fell backwards, his hands all taped [s]all over[/s] up. But (or however) I didn’t thank Teddy at all. In fact, I would have scolded him if it weren’t for the rest of my family watching me anxiously.

My hands shook as I reached for the lid. I closed my eyes and turned my head away as I slowly slid the lid off the box. My hands stopped right over the box, waiting for that explosion I expected…but it never came. I opened one eye and glanced at the box. Nothing was happening. My brow furrowed as I took the lid away, then braced myself. Again, nothing happened. I glanced inside and waited one last time for something to happen as the image of the five golden bands flashed in my head.

lol I love this paragraph! ^_^ Way to keep us in suspense.

“Five--golden--rings.” I muttered through clenched teeth, watching the rings inside. They were all different sizes, but there was no way I was going to pick them up, let alone put one on.

“Five golden rings?” inquired Kim and Mom explained to the whole family [s]how[/s] the fabulous [s]of an[/s] idea Mabel had had for my Christmas gifts. They were all impressed, but I was confused. The gold rings had done nothing--not that I was complaining…

We continued [s]with[/s] opening [s]the[s] presents, the box of rings set far away from me. I fell silent again, wondering how Mabel’s present had ended up [s]here[/s] in my grandparents’ house. Half of me [s]was[/s] had been excited that I wouldn’t receive one today, seeing as I was forty minutes away from home. Someone in my family was stashing the gifts somewhere, and I was going to find out.

O.o The third and fourth sentences don't really fit with the first two...

“Here, Gramma!” Trisha said, holding out a present to her. Everyone smiled when they noticed Gramma reclined back in the armchair, her eyes closed. I didn’t laugh; Sara chuckled uneasily. Aunt Kim nudged Gramma before Mom could stop her rudeness.

Gramma didn’t budge. She was sleeping hard.

“Gramma,” Trisha said, setting the present on Gramma’s lap. “Your turn!”

“Mom?” Mom said uneasily, standing up from the couch. My heart raced once again as Mom inched toward Gramma, calling out to her. My face paled when I noticed Gramma’s chest was not rising or falling. Sara and I exchanged frightened glances.

Oooooh...the suspense is killing me!! XD (pun not intended) However, I thought they were at Dad's parent's house--not Mom's. Why is Phil's mom calling Gramma mom if it's Dad's mom? :whistle:

“Call the ambulance!” Aunt Kim shrieked, jumping out of her seat for Gramma’s chair [huh?]. Dad ran out of the room immediately, shoving the camcoreder in my hands. Aunt Kim grabbed Gramma’s hand as I dropped the camera in my lap.

One of the five golden rings was on [s]her[/s] Gramma's index finger.

I whipped around to see the lid of the box lying carelessly next to the box itself. [another huh? moment]
The camera rolled off my lap as I dragged Susie away from the box just as she was about to put one on her[s]self[/s] own finger. I snatched the rings from her and threw them into the box before handing her off to Sara. I [s]put[/s] replaced the lid [s]on the box[/s] and hid the box under my pile of gifts, my hands sweating ridiculously.

I turned back to Sara. Her eyes were filled with fear, and they widened even more when I didn’t answer her. Her arms were wrapped tightly around Susie, who was crying from my rough reaction.

If someone died on the fifth day…what could possibly happen on the sixth?

First dibs!!

Whatever it was, it wasn’t on my Christmas list.

I watched her stick the bows on top of the colorful gifts until there [s]was[/s] were no more.

When you deliver that, I need you to put [s]Teddy’s and Sara’s[/s] Teddy and Sara's booster seats into the car.

I inched toward it ‘til the box rested against the door,

I gave up, a huge breath escaping my lips. [s]I took[/s] readjusted the box against the door,

“My, don’t you sound like your mother?”

I flushed and Dad chuckled again.

I regretted leaving my book on the armchair at home, but hopefully [s]I got[/s] I would get a new book to read for the rest of the evening and on the way back home.

Susie and our cousins, Trisha, handed out the gifts.

hey jab!! It's about TIME you posted this! lol...

It is long, but I don't think it's too long to read, even though it's too long for a good review (at least right now...).

I liked it, but I do agree that your horror wasn't that good. Lol, sorry....

But I loved the last sentence.

Since you're the grammar expert, I noticed no grammar problems...but with a story this long it doesn't stand out as much.

I like the story, and it needs continued... I can't wait to see what happens.

But when I thought about the rings, I was thinking something like....

The ring enlarges on someones finger until it slips over their wrist, and then their head, and then their stomach. Then it starts to shrink again, constricting their breathing, etc. But I think that that would be too obvious to other people that the gifts are bad.

I like your characters, especially Phil and Sara, since they're the ones who know that the gifts are bad.

Edit: Sorry I didn't say this before, I was in a hurry. I think that you're a great writer, you have a good plot here, and I love your writing style. Definitely PM me when 6 comes out, because this is really cool.

Keep writing!!!

Teh Wozzinator