It took me long enough to write this, but I was swamped with work and critiques. My writing is not at the top of my list. Not near enough. ^^; Anyway, here it is. It's a bit longer than the others, but not by much.
Part 3
Today we had no company. We were alone we had to leave for my other grandparents’ house on the twenty-ninth. The pair of turtle doves sat on my shelf next to the pear tree. I never touched them again.
I picked up one of my new books before going downstairs. Dad was nowhere in sight, but I heard the faint echoes of the computer game downstairs. Mom stood by the kitchen sink, filling a pot with water. I turned into the living room and sat down on the armchair. Teddy and Susan sat on the floor, their mouths hanging open as they watched their television shows.
I cracked open the book, breathing in the delicious smell of new books. Turning the page to the prologue, I started reading, shutting out all sound. Nothing was going to ruin my day of silent reading. I thought wrong.
I jumped slightly as my mom’s fingers brushed through my dark hair. I ducked from her reach and looked up into her smiling face. She held out a steaming hot mug with small, puffy white cushions floating on top. My brow shot up as I reached for it eagerly.
“I thought you might like some,” Mom said, studying the book in my lap. “Which book are you reading?”
“Misery’s Melody,” I replied, showing her the cover without losing my page. “It’s the second book in its series.”
“Is it good?”
“Well, I just started,” I said, taking a sip of my hot chocolate and drawing away quickly, wincing at how hot it was. I licked the melted marshmallows from my lips and set the mug on the side table before lifting my book to read.
“Alright, I won’t hold you up,” said Mom, walking into the kitchen again. She soon returned with two smaller cups with lids and walked to Susie and Teddy. “Here you go, you two. Be careful,” she added warningly.
The two stood up straight away to take their hot chocolates. Poor Teddy was knocked over by Susie who jumped up and down and ran the little distance separating her from her treat. I silently encouraged Teddy to get up and beat Susie, but he only crawled over and took his hot chocolate as if he was used to being pushed around.
Mom finally left and the two tots sat in front of the television again. Susie took a sip and shrieked. Teddy, hearing Susie’s reaction, decided against drinking until it cooled down a bit. I chuckled before returning to my book.
“Hey, Phil.”
I looked up in exasperation to see Sara walking towards me, holding a present with glossy blue paper. My face fell as I looked at it. Sara stopped in front of me, cocking her eyebrow. “It’s from Mabel,” she said, handing it to me, curious look on her face.
I set my book down on the side table next to my hot chocolate. However, I didn’t reach for the gift. Two days in a row, something bad happened when I opened it. Well, they weren’t real, but I still worried for myself and my family. Sara sighed and set the gift on my lap. I jumped and braced myself, squeezing the arms of the chair I sat in.
“It’s not going to bite,” Sara said with disgust.
“Where’d you get this?” I asked, ignoring Sara’s comment.
“By the Christmas Tree.”
I looked at her with wide eyes, my mouth hanging open. Sara looked completely innocent with her hands folded behind her back. “How did we miss it yesterday?” I asked finally.
“We didn’t,” Sara replied with a shrug. “It was there this morning.”
“That doesn’t make sense—”
“Would you just open it?” Sara snapped, folding her arms across her chest and shifting all weight to one leg.
I slowly opened the present, gently taking off the tape and unfolding the paper. Sara was getting annoyed, but I didn’t care. I was afraid of what vision I would see next. Would the television characters jump out of the box and beat my little siblings? Would I start melting because of the hot chocolate? Would the box jump up at Sara and try to trap her inside? Anything could happen, and I was scared.
I opened the brown box which was the same shape as the other two. I found three gold and orange chickens standing in a row as if undisturbed. I braced myself for what I would see next. Sara looked inside and gasped. “These things are so adorable! I wonder where Mabel gets them!”
Realizing nothing was happening, I relaxed, but still regarded the figurines with worry. I reached out for one of the French hens and picked it up. I dropped it immediately, sucking on my fingers. Sara looked at me strangely. “What’s wrong?”
“They’re hot!” I said with my fingers hanging out of my mouth. I wiped my hands on my jeans before picking one up again with more care. I dropped it again at the sight of flames sparking from my touch. I sat on my burning hand, doing whatever I could to get the feeling away.
Sara reached out and picked one up. She frowned as she looked from the hen to me. “It’s perfectly fine.” She put a hand to my head and I immediately retreated with a snarl.
“I’m not sick,” I said bitterly, glaring at the French hen. “You didn’t see that?”
“See what?” Sara asked exasperatedly. “Nothing happened. It’s not hot and it didn’t blow up like you think it did—”
“It was on fire!” I replied helplessly. “It tried to burn me!”
“I’m thinking you are sick,” Sara replied, her brow furrowed. “You always act funny one way or another when you open Mabel’s gifts.”
I didn’t reply. I held the box out and Sara put the hen back inside without hesitation. I set the box on the floor, not touching it until I went upstairs to bed that evening.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Well? I wasn't real sure what to do with this. I hope it's alright. ^^;
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter 12 Shocks of Xmas (pt. 4)Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,261 Literary Works • 674,331 Reviews
Well, once again, good job. Apart from the nitpicks, I can't find much to say. On to the next part!
Thanks for the critiques, ya'll!
You should come in the chat more often. 
Anyway, I'm glad you like this a lot. It's a bit rough for me. I've never done a mystery and none of my horrors turn out well. Also, I see people thought Dad was going to have a discussion. I guess I should be more clear about his impatience. 
He just wanted to hurry up the gift-opening.
) I'm glad my characters seem real. xD That's what I get worried about when writing short stories/novellas.
We're only on the third part. We have nine days to go. 
Come back for more horror. It'll get interesting, I swear (hopefully I can keep my promise! ^^; ).
I'm glad this is turning out better than I thought it would. It's gonna get harder, though, for me to write the rest of this. Like I told Joe, I have nine more days to get horrifying. I can't have the MC, like, die on the seventh day of Xmas. It's gotta last a long time. ^^;
Joe: Thanks for the suggestion. I fixed it so it should look better.
Dr. Clicky: Dr. Clicky!
Ash: Nice to see you've enjoyed it! It's a pleasure to critique your stuff, and your reviews are wonderful. ^_^
Gladius: Wow, I suck that much. Lol. I do believe the TV can be called a box as well. Also, I think cocking your eyebrow is the same thing?
Insomnia: Your reviews are wonderful. ^_^ Thanks for catching those.
3B: You sparked an idea and hopefully it improved when I edited it. (read it now!
Joe: This is the 12 Shocks of Xmas.
Thanks for the critiques everyone! More are welcome, of course.
Thanks again!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Ahoy, Jabber!
Sorry it took me so long to get to Shocks 3. Rehearsals for the school musical started this week.
*is sore*
Anyway....
This was good. Once again, I like the feeling of anticipation and dread I get each time I read this. But I thought the hot hens were kind of disappointing. *shrugs* I guess I was just expecting something a little more menacing. Also, I would like to see Phil trying different tactics with opening the presents. You know, experimenting or something. Opening freaky vision-gifts without hesitation seems a bit like a character stupid.
A couple other things:
C'mon, Jabber. I know you can word this better.
I think "squeezing the arms of my chair" would be a smoother way of putting it.
--
This was interesting, but I think you should mix it up a little. Also, watch how much you use prepositional phrases. If overused, they can junk up and bog down your sentences.
Much love,
Haley
(PS. Aw! Teddy + Susie= Cuteness! XD)
Jabber, Jabber, Jabber. I feel so bad. If you would make a mistake once in a while, I could actually critique something. But, while I'm here...
This is an improvement of last chapter. This one was fun and easy to read. Your characters are easy and understandable. Their arguements are natural. So all around good job.
I think that you dwelt a little too long on the hot chocolate. I mean, we couldn't care less what the hot chocolate does. (did that make sense?) Don't get me wrong, it was well written but that part bored me.
The gift was hot? Uh... Not nearly as terrifying as the other two. As DoctorClicky said, maybe you should add flames to make it a little scarier.
Just saying.
All in all, really well written. No grammar and spelling that they didn't point out. Great job! PM me with the next part!
If you felt this critique was too harsh, then please PM me! Thanks!
BBB
Hey, Jabber. Sorry if this crit is late. I've been a little... side tracked.
I think Gladius picked up most things, but I'll dig for some more.
Dad was no where in sight,
*nowhere
I jumped slightly as my mom’s fingers brushed through my dark hair. I ducked
I, I. Watch out for you sentence beginnings. Also, you've done what I to do a lot: I [verb, rest of sentence], I [verb, rest of sentence].
I slowly opened present
*the present
Okay, that's all I found. Sorry I couldn't rip it a little more.
-Mat
He he--I caught a couple mistakes! Very small things, but I caught 'em none-the-less!!
*does a happy dance*
Anyway--
Wow, there was more in there than I thought! XD Where I struck out some stuff and reworded it, that's mostly my suggestions for how it would sound a bit better. Also, you usually cock your head, not your eyebrow.
You probably want 'snapped' here: "Would you just open it?" Sara snapped,
lol, box. XD
Other than those little errors and possible sentence structure corrections, great! Funny that he was expecting a vision and he got a sensation. XD Hmm, what will four calling birds do...?
I didn't catch any grammar mistakes (seeing as you usually have to find mine). And overall this is a good story. I actually felt like I wanted to keep readin', unlike some of the other stories I find on here. But I'll try to look at the other parts.
*pawprint*
Lethero the Werewolf
The word deliscious makes me think something is edible and tasty, not exactly a word I'd use for a book? Or maybe that's just my opinion, lol, not sure.
Burning hot? Not as much of a scary shock (perhaps he sees flames engulfing him and his entire body burns
I agree with shotgun, I was somewhat expecting the father to have a conversation about the presents' origins (as in the previous story he said something along the lines of "we'll discuss it later" when talking about the origins of the presents and made me anticipate some sort of convo in this part).
I'm engrossed in this story and excited to see how it turns out. I'm waiting for Mabel to get back so he can question her and see what happens.
You need to be more specific when you say "until the day". That just sort of bugs me.
And also, I thought that the main character's father was going to explain that whole thing, but he has yet to even say anything about it.
Other then that, I'm really liking this whole story. I guess I just don't know where its going.
-Joel-