I wrote a Christmas story about six months ago and it was really sad, so I wanted to write another. The idea turned out totally different than I had expected. It's a horror, and this is only the first part. It's definitely...different, lol. I'll keep it as PG-13 as possible throughout the entire story. ^_^ Next parts will be coming up next two days before I leave for the holidays. Enjoy!
Part 1
December 25
“Whose present is next, Teddy?” Mom asked, clasping her hands in her lap with a smile. My dad set down the movie he just received, the camera he held still aiming at Teddy. I looked over to the toddler holding the huge box wrapped in green and red wrapping paper, a red bow on top. He squeaked and we all laughed. He could only recognize his own name.
“Mine!” he exclaimed, jumping up and down. He set it down and crouched next to it, tearing the paper to pieces. Susan, a year older than Teddy, crawled over and reached out to help, but Teddy wouldn’t allow it. He pushed the box away toward my big feet, saying, “No! No, mine!”
Susan only followed Teddy for his box, saying, “I wanna help!”
“Susie, no,” Mom said sternly, but smiling humorously. My fourteen year old sister, Sara, picked her up and set her on her lap, Susan still reaching out for the box, hands folding and unfolding.
I looked back at Teddy who finally got all the paper off the box. He stood up with much effort and gathered all the green paper in his tiny hands. He set it on my lap, saying, “You…you take dat.” He picked up the blue box and walked away, adding, “I… I… I take dis.” Mom laughed and Dad snorted. It took a lot to make him laugh out loud. I smiled and crumpled up the paper as Teddy examined his new toy car.
“Ow, Susie!”
I turned my head to Sara. Her eyes were closed tightly, wincing as Susie yanked on her long, curly brown hair. Dad laughed now and turned the camera on the two girls. I laughed too. “Susie, let go!” Sara said sternly. “Phil, take her away!”
“Why on earth would I do that?” I asked, watching my little sisters duke it out.
“Susie, want to pick the next present?” Mom called from the couch.
Susie immediately stopped. “Yeah!” she said excitedly, her grasping hands reaching for the Christmas tree. Sara gratefully put the child down and Susie ran for the tree, looking for a present with her name on it. Sara glared at me as she fixed the knots in her hair. I rolled my eyes and watched Susie pick out a smaller square gift, her long dark blonde pigtails bouncing as she walked to her pile of gifts.
“Look! It’s Barbie!” she exclaimed after tearing the paper off the Nintendo game. I looked to Teddy, not interested. He was pressing buttons on his new car, the horn sounding loudly in the living room.
“Psst, Teddy!” I hissed. Teddy looked up to me and crawled over excitedly. “Get the next present,” I said to him with a wink.
“Okay, Pil!” Teddy replied, failing to pronounce my name correctly, and returned to the Christmas tree. I leaned back in my armchair and looked back at Susie who was staring at the front cover of the case. Mom was telling her what the game was about. Dad immediately turned the camera to Teddy, wanting more action.
“Here, Pil.”
Teddy set the rectangular box on my lap. “Thanks, Ted,” I said, ruffling the brown tuft of hair on his head. Teddy walked away to his spot by the Christmas tree, playing with his new stuffed giraffe.
I was as bad as Teddy and Susie when opening the gift. I ripped the paper off, crumpled it in a ball, and tossed it at Teddy. He laughed as it hit him in the head. “Hey!” he said, rubbing his head. Mom chuckled; I opened the brown box.
It was a small, glass figurine of a tree, a bird sitting on its branch. What happened next was as quick as an eye blink.
The instant I saw the tree, I noticed my brother in my peripheral vision grasping a copper-colored snake in his hands. Fear swam in his eyes, and his mouth was wide open as if he was crying. Tears sparkled on his cheeks and he held it out at arm’s length. I made to save him, but when I looked up, Teddy only held the long neck of his stuffed giraffe, laughing at whatever he was thinking.
“What is it, Phil?” Mom asked, peering over at the box.
I shook my head, shaking the memory away. My mind was playing tricks on me.
“It’s a partridge in a pear tree!” Sara exclaimed, picking it up from the box. “It’s so cute! It must be from your girlfriend.”
“How’d she get it under the tree?” Mom asked. “Wouldn’t she just hand you the gift before leaving for town?”
“She must’ve tossed it under the tree, wanting him to open it today,” Sara said, setting the figurine in its box. “Besides, today’s the first day of Christmas.”
“That’s a creative idea—”
“Running out of tape, here!” Dad exclaimed, pointing the camera at Susie who picked up the next present. I set the box with the figurine inside onto the floor and watched Sara receive a new fantasy read.
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Crits welcome. ^_^
End of chapter
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141,261 Literary Works • 674,331 Reviews
Aww, thanks Aet! It makes me happy to see you critiquing again! And it makes me even more happy that you critted something of mine!
Yeah, I never edited this entry, but I did now. Hopefully I made "Pil" a little more clear now.
Also, I put the commas around "on earth" because if you take that out, it's still the question. I don't get picky on that, but that's why I put them there. *shrug*
Thanks again! ^^
Jabber, the One and Only!
This was really good. Now I feel guilty because I don't have much to say, but apart from the grammar and spelling nitpicks above, I like it.
haha, i liked it, but as i said before, no time for a long chat--and you just read my single crit in the chat.
A very interesting story. I really enjoyed it. Christmas horror story. My god it sounds like I wrote it! I have to disagree with most people on saying the "partridge in a peartree" was cliche. It's not. In fact, it's actually neat how you named the story the 12 Shocks of Christmas and had the P in a P remark (Though I assume you did that intentionally). Now on to what you did wrong with this piece.
The only thing I noticed was a bit of punctuation problems (i.e. commas in places that shouldn't have them, the lack of commas, semi-colon mess ups) A view sentences you might want to reword but other than that I think you did a really good job.
I like it, the characters are entertaining (although mom and dad seem to be a bit boring at the moment
). I like Teddy though, kids are always fun.
I love it! Its very very real. I could easily see it.
I think everyone got most of the errors
Wow, this was really good. Besides a few gramatical errors, it was perfect.
“Why, on earth, would I do that?” I asked, watching my little sisters duke it out
I don't think the commas should be there, thats all. Other then that, good job and I look forward to reading the next installment.
-Joel-
Thanks everyone for looking at this!
Gladius: Lol, I'm glad Teddy came out the way I wanted. ^_^ I had trouble thinking of a name for a toddler. Teddy was the first that came to mind. It's starting to grow on me, though, so he's Teddy through and through. ^_^
3B: "Pil" is actually how Teddy pronounces Phil's name since he cannot pronounce that sound yet. Otherwise, I'm glad you liked it.
Insomnia: Thank you so much! I'll fix those immediately! That's a lot of help that's most appreciated. ^_^
Joe: Thanks for your crit as well. Lol, it's kind of like at my house too, only with different characters. That's probably why it was portrayed so well. ^_^
Thanks again, you guys. More reviews are welcome. ^_^
Jabber, the One and Only!
Hola, Jabber! I really liked this. It had a creepy-cool, ominous feeling. Also, I could picture everything quite clearly. It was like I was seeing it through the eyes of the video camera. I guess it was because this was so reminiscent of Christmas at my house. Which is good. You made it very real to me.
A few things that need a-fixin':
Ick! Comma splice. Should be "Mom laughed and Dad snorted."
More comma splice. I suggest you make everything after "Dad..." a new sentence.
A testament to your awesominity is that I really couldn't find much to improve on. You might just try to flesh out the present-passing a little. Make it clearer. Besides that, very nice work! I will be waiting patiently for Part Two.
Love,
Haley
Well, I was looking for your prologue and I found this, so oh well.
Two of them in one sentence doesn't quite sound right, either.
“Who’s present is next, Teddy?”
*Whose. Who's means who is.
“Susie, no,” Mom said sternly, but smiling humorously.
Ack. Adverbs. They're the spawn of the devil, you know.
picked her up and set her on her lap,
The word 'her' is a bit repetitive there.
“Why, on earth, would I do that?”
You don't really need either of those commas, but that's your choice.
...And that's all I found. It was an intriguing beginning, and the humour gives it a wider appeal. I'll look forward to the next part. Unless you've already posted it. -Goes to check-
-Mat
lol this is good. Only one typo:
“Here, Pil.”
Pil should be Phil..
Well, this was a really good start. You characters have good humor and things like that, so kudos. I'll be waiting for more.
BBB
This was excellent...the partridge in a pear tree thing a bit cliche, but I liked it. Can't wait to read more, Jamie Bondage.
oooh- the first day of Xmas, he gets a partridge in a pear tree and something creeepy happens... >.> What happens when he gets two turtle doves?
I like Teddy- don't get me wrong, the other characters definitely have character, and the part with Susie and Sara was absolutely side-splitting, but Teddy's soooo cute!! XD Keep going, it's really good!