[Editing required! lol. Okay, this is just a side project, I'm only allowing myself one chapter of this for every two of POD. This is so I don't get carried away and drop POD. It's for the good of my pride. =D But I hope you like this just as well.)
1
The light blue fire of those eyes was embedded in my memory. Half a century of new memories of a new existence. All made better by those cerulean orbs of life. Oh, how I obsessed over them. Dreamed for, longed for, almost killed for.
“Victor.” I woke with the breath of his name on my lips. He
never answered that breath, though I know he heard it. Wherever existence
had taken him, my memory would follow like a curse. Just as the memory
of his eyes and the memory of his body had become part of who I was, my
voice had become a part of his.
One could go a long time with memory. Humans forgot what the
others wish they could. They forgot childhood, we never forgot that first
time. They forgot first kisses, we never forgot our makers.
Victor. The one without a kiss, so they called him. He was the
maker of new vampires, constantly hunted by humans and the powers
alike. All wanted him dead for some reason or another. The power in his
lovers was a frightening amount. As was the power in me.
I have sustained on the power of those above for years without
once touching them. I have discovered the animal of my bidding without
the touch of one. I have found my strengths and weaknesses without once
touching them.
For near a quarter of a decade life has been one moment of
solitude bleeding into the next. Without day, without night, without life or
death. Void of all that I had ever known.
I am nothing but history. My presence no longer effects the air,
the air no longer effects my presence. It is a cycle of nothing, yet it has
everything in it.
Nothing but the past, with no promise of the future. I would
have protested, had I known there was more to this existence. Had I known
there was more to being unable to die, yet incapable of living; I would have
fought.
I was born into the undead to Victor. He took me, and taught
me how to die. For twenty-five years we lived below the living. Hiding in
power. Waiting for me to be ready to pass. Pass to where? He never told
me.
Victor was my maker. My lover. He was drawn away by business,
and never returned, leaving me trapped below, not knowing what it meant
to pass. I would sit for hours, staring into the many tunnels created for
me. I memorized their contours, the texture of the silky earth that made
the walls, and the damp ground. My dress was frayed on the edges, the
color would have been faded, had there been a son to do the fading. Dirt
soaked it’s way up to my knees, and the laces of my corset had been worn
away long ago.
My skin was so pale that it glowed in the darkness, and my ink
black hair had been too long without tending. It was frayed and dirty,
tangling down to my ankles, now lightly brushing against the ground as I
walked.
The tunnel was as it was everyday, too dark to hold promises,
yet too light to be a form of death.
The image of cerulean was still in my eyes when I heard it. So
faint it most would have dismissed it. But I was the only thing that made
noise down here, something had joined the party.
I turned to face the direction of the noise. Crouched low I was
ready for combat, my eyes scanned the darkness for any shadow of
movement. A bright flash crossed the wall far away. It was enough to burn
my eyes. So unused to any form of light. I was momentarily blinded.
“I think I saw something.” the voice was a light caress from as
far as the light was. I heard the footsteps, heard voices. Yet I saw nothing.
“Holy shit.” It was closer now. I could see the lights from my
blindness but that was all.
My vision returned in spots. Only enough for me to see vague
shapes holding so much light in their hands.
“Is she one of Victors? Do you think?” the voice asked.
“I do not know.” The second voice was slightly European. Power
was held in that voice. My heart, held still for so many years, began to beat in fear.
“She must be. It’s the right setting.”
“Then where is Victor?”
“He’s not here.” The lights stung my slowly healing eyes. The
fact that my heart was beating scared me almost more than these
outsider’s presence.
“We should get her.” It was the first voice. Why would they talk so out rightly while I was right here?
I took in my first breath in almost twenty-five years, and used it
to hiss at them.
It was a wild sound, even to me. I felt my fangs extend, a small
amount of liquid dripped from them. It was a blood thinner, and it numbed
the pain from the victims. The disease was also held in them. Poison.
“Get her,” The second voice said. I hissed again, louder than
the first. I felt my eyes bleed to a purple fire, and I could suddenly see the
intruders.
One was my kind. He was tall with long, dark blonde hair. The
other was a female, also tall, but with brunette hair. She wasn’t vampire,
yet she was still his. The woman was holding a silver gun, it looked like
none I had ever seen.
“Colette, now.” The vampire said it with a stern tone, yet he was
not angry with her. It reminded me of the way Victor used to speak to me.
The woman, Colette pointed her gun at me, and before I could
move away something hit my neck. It was not painful, but I knew
something wasn’t right. I was just about to lung for them when whatever hit
me took over, and I passed out.
_______________________
Like I said...editing required.
-JC
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Canary word: Present
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Clau- Personally, I haven't read any Anne Rice, I tried but...I just couldn't. Sorry. But yeah, I saw the typos...like I said...eww. lis.
As for what she's in, she doesn't know. She finds out later that it was just a series of tunnels dug under the ground that went nowhere...as in...they just randomly ended with no way out. And not as a form of torture.
Squallz- There's no chair...but I get what you mean! Thanks!
-JC
Simple. Make her do something. Anything, even the smallest possible thing. E.g: Tapping her nails on the arm rest.
Oh, vampires. My first love... I actually wrote a vampire novel for my NaNoWriMo '06. I'm still unsure whether I'll ever edit it.
You can work this out right, make us curious who Victor is [more so than we already are] and you could have a nice hook.
You admitted the beginning was a lot of telling, and I second that. "She's just basically sitting in the dark, what is to show?" Nothing, but down give us a page of her thinking, either. Everything she is telling, do I need it? Nope. In fact what caught me was they were looking for Victor. Why do they want victor? You can drop info here and there in between their dialog.
So my suggestion is cut everything until they open.. what ever she is in. I was kind of confused with some actions. Also, I did no line-by-line editing. Everything I'm sure you can catch yourself with some read overs.
This really, really reminded me of the way they tortured vampires in Anne Rice's Interview with the Vampire. They locked Louis in a coffin, then sealed the coffin into a whole in a wall with bricks. They'd leave them there to starve, but never die. Is that the kind of thing she is in? I cannot tell, honestly.
This could be interesting, but you really have to do it right for me to care about vampire stories. Sure, I'm a real Anne Rice fan, so I'm rather judgmental, but I also know good stories
I hope for more.
Thanks.
I'm trying to make this as uncliched as possible, so there wont be any garlic. Crosses and holy water though, but only as torture. ;D.
I noticed that I do a lot of telling in the beginning, but I don't know how to fix it. She's basically just sitting in the dark thinking. What's to show?
Thanks for reading though, your input is apreciated!
-JC
Alright, I take it back, it *is* fantasy and in first person.
Vampires aren't my fav in fantasy, so I haven't read any books with them in. *waves cross, holy water and garlic* So I can't tell you whether this is cliched or whatever. Suffice to say, it doesn't seem to be.
Very deep. I like it.
Run these two together, make it one sentance.
Capital "T"
This sounds weird. Not too sure what you're trying to put across.
Put those two seperate sentances together so it flows more smoothly.
Victors = Victor's
Small tee.
Either make it "louder than the first time" or rewrite it as something like, "I gave another hiss, louder than the first". Sounds better.
Change the comma to a semi colon and add "before" to the end of the sentance, or rewrite the sentance, adding in the last bit to the first part. Perhaps, "The woman was holding a strange silver gun that I had never seen before" or something like that.
This should be enclosed in commas on both sides, so add one after it as well as before.
I'm not too sure, but I think you need a comma between "away" and "something".
The neck, the neck, always the neck. Maybe you should change it, but if it's neccesary, then obviously don't.
Huh? "Lung" for them? What's that mean?
Anyway, most of those above were grammatical thingies. The story is very good, but perhaps a little too much of what Squallz said, about telling. A lot of it I didn't have a problem with, but there was one big dump at the beginning. Aprt from that: very good!
-Twit
Hi JCobsesed, remember me? lol
I quite liked the perspective that you wrote the vampire in. The ideas she portrayed I believe were quite intruging.
However, I had two problems with this. Firstly, there seems to be more telling than showing which lost a bit of my interest. Balance the show and tell and I believe it would be more compelling to the reader.
Secondly, there doesn't seem to be a strong enough conflict to hook the reader. She got knocked out, so what?
Overall, it was ok. Wanna know what happens though.
See ya
Andy